I could feel the pain in your words. This would be a beautiful, touching song put to music.
I am reminded of an Old Testament gem that I found by chance in the book of Job. You may want to read Job 33. Your words reminded me of this chapter. I have a much better understanding of the book of Job than I used to. It has to be read in the context that Job, through a book very likely written before the book of Genesis, was persecuted. It is a matter of note that God had to give the enemy permission. Job, although he lost much, he knew who was really in charge. He surrendered to the will of God and was blessed even more than he was before at the end of the story.
Again, thanks for sharing this song,
Welcome to writing.com. Your WDC birthday is my actual birthday, go figure.
Beautiful. These are simple words, but you give a sense of majestic love and forgiveness that many people often forget about when they write about God. This writing gave me a warm comfortable feeling, one of desperation being fulfilled.
This is a simple, sweet story and I like the idea of this contest, to include the names of Christmas songs throughout. I want to say, first and foremost, that you did very well putting this story together. I love it.
As I had promised an in-depth critique, here you go:
An hour later, I WONDER AS I WANDER the aisles at We Be Toys, trying to coax Julie into deciding between the doll with the SILVER BELLS and the one with the gold lace, and hoping Matt will pick one of the three trucks in front of him before the store closes, how to give them the news, without them immediately seeing the toys for the bribes they are. The last clause should be made into separate sentence, such as: I just had to figure out how to give them the news without them immediately seeing the toys for the bribes they are.
important to me, as it was to the kids, maybe more.The first comma is not needed.
Santa Claus!", just as the store's The comma isn't needed here.
snow back in Nebraska, meant that, as Julie put it, it wasn't really winter here.The first comma isn't needed here, but you are correct with the other two.
In unison, they screamed "A WHITE CHRISTMAS!" The first comma is not needed, but there needs to be a comma after screamed.
Both kids started jumping up and down shouting, over and over, "It The comma should be after down, and not shouting.
Good luck in this contest, as you had done very well in my ABC Challenge.
I know this was for a bad fiction, but I don't think it is bad enough to deserve a 1, so I'll give it a 2 for good measure. I liked the phrase about waking up in a chilling puddle of worry. I see where you purposely tried to make this bad by obvious misspellings and grammatical errors. You also tell rather than show, most of the time, but there are instances where I caught you showing the reader what was going on. lol.
All kidding aside, if you ever wanted to expand this story and fix it's purposeful errors, you could have a bittersweet story with Annie and Buster, and of course maybe a couple other characters. I see potential in this story, believe it or not.
If there's anything more specific in this story that you want me to look at, let me know, please.
Write On!
Beth
Congrats again on winning 1st place in the first round of ABC Challenge. I started round 2 yesterday. Are you game?
Sorry I haven't responded to you sooner. I will be judging this contest very soon.
I almost forgot I was reading this in the ABC format for the contest. This story was simple and it flowed well. I like the humor and the emotionality of this story. Thanks for sharing this with me.
You did very well with the ABC format and this is an original short love story. I like it and I loved the imagery. The only things missing from the contest format are the fragment and the 100-word sentence. If I missed them in my reading, please point them out me. I may be mistaken. It wouldn't be the first time. lol.
Thanks for sharing this. I work with adults with developmental disabilities in my job. Some of them are nonverbal, so I've learned by experience there are many more ways to communicate than just speaking. Many of the people I work with have good receptive communication, but cannot verbally speak themselves. I had a moving conversation with one lady just understanding her facial expressions and sounds she made.
Some things I found: All you have to ask is hold me? -----The punctuation is odd to me over whelming felling -------- s/b overwhelming feeling
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I host a writer's group at the local county jail where I live and most of the inmates have either drug or alcohol addictions. It's painful to read some of their responses to my writing prompt sometimes, but, for once, their minds are clear to sort things out, like you said, without the booze and without the drugs.
Alcoholism hit my family two terrible blows. My father and my uncle were alcoholics and both committed suicide. So, I have a deep conviction to help those who drink to drown their problems, not realizing that they've learn to swim.
Here's a poem I wrote about my Dad. It's a bit dated because I am divorced, but my ex and I are on friendly terms and the divorce had nothing to do with alcohol. I keep praying for him.
This sounds like an interesting story so far. I like the Mom character, mostly because she's so eccentric. I hope you further develop her character in the story.
The first part of this, the part before the dialogue starts sounds like a good introduction before the first chapter begins. I wasn't sure if this is meant to be long or short fiction, but that part would make a good introduction, regardless. It's not really a part of the main story, but it is the set up for it so the reader knows what to expect.
With first person you can go indepth with your main character, Cassie, who is also your narrator. The only issue, which is the same for third person limited, is that you cannot go into deep detail with the thoughts and feelings of other characters.
Does the title have significance with the rest of the story. If not, you may want to rethink it. No hurry though. Some titles emerge out of the story over time.
If you want a peek at one of my stories, visit the following:
God bless you and God speed to you in all you do, dear from another female who served this country also, and also a Hoosier. I can relate to the tight bun, and I can say I don't miss that part. I was in the active duty Army for nearly eight years. I came back to Indiana after my ETS and the war in Iraq was just commencing. I never knew how much support I received while on active duty until I spoke to some soldiers in the National Guard and their family members and found the lack of it. I guess when you live and breathe the U.S. Army for nearly eight years with some others who have done the same, even for longer periods of time, then the alienation isn't there. Your lost in this military world and are accepted within it.
I enjoyed reading this. I could imagine that King David felt the same way when he was running from Saul and even from his own son because they were out to kill him. Abraham lied about his wife being his sister because he thought it was dangerous to go where God told him to go. He thought he would be killed, even after God made a covenant with him.
I have been reading a book, The Search for Signficance by Robert S. McGee and he writes about the emotional intensity of some of the Davidic psalms. David felt outright abandoned sometimes, then you see the praise when he figures out that God never left him.
God bless you for sharing this sincere conversation with God. If only other people understood that God can handle their honest, brutal emotions. Being a friend of God means being honest and not trying to hide any part of yourself from him. God will truly see your heart in this kind of conversation and you will see His.
This is a great message to believers. Now I understand why my novel strikes a chord with you. There's plenty of spiritual warfare in it.
Anyway, this piece struck a chord with me also. I smiled in many parts of reading it and am in total agreement with the Biblical aspect of it. The only small thing that didn't fight, that needs a slight adjustment, is when you write that soldiers practice with their weapons daily. Be sure to emphasize that they are soldiers in a wartime mission. Soldiers on Active Duty, Reserves, or National Guard do not practice with their weapons everyday during peacetime missions, when there is no threat of attack. They qualify every six months.
I loved the analogy of the cowboy and the soldier and how you tied it in with the armor of God. That was great.
I found some typos and/or spelling and grammar issues:
now and throughout time helmets, rifles and ammunition Satan attacks us daily, on all realms: Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, Emotionally.
One thing I thought of, and I'd have to look up the verses, but I believe it is in Exodus when God instructs the Israelites to meditate on the Word and have it before them always and He is very specific, naming different postures throughout the day. It is customary for Jews to wear a part of the Word on their foreheads.
I liked the poetic images used in this essay. I could feel the journey of a true calling of God, as a journey, not a destination. I can understand this now as I am ever reaching into my calling as a writer. The novel I'm working on right now has a character questioning God about the calling on her life. It doesn't fit into the way she thinks, so she's going to have to change her mind, lest she fail to show God's full glory through her by stumbling.
After reading this, I want to take a look at more of your writing, if I may. This is impressive. Your grammar was very good. The beginning could use a little work. I know, for instance, that it is possible that callings can come from the enemy and not God, for some do not know the difference between the two due to ignorance.
I'd like to see more description of the scenery, especially the vision of the angel. The scenes are good, but evoke the senses and make them great.
What did Satan look like? Would one of the head demons really call a female demon, "Woman?"
The scene of hell and A-mor walking home needs to be separated somehow or have some sort of transition to make it flow better.
There are a couple spelling errors in the first two chapters. One in particular was profits when you meant prophets. I can back to you as soon as possible, if you are still striving to write this story.
I only read the first two chapters, but will read the rest as soon as possible.
If you want to see the novel I'm cooking up now, you're welcome to. I read your story because the subject matter is similar, but definitely not exactly like mine.
This is very insightful, but I feel there is something missing. You may not be at that stage of your faith yet to fill it in.
You see, this touched a personal chord with me. I have every reason to feel the same way you do toward the church you mentioned. My mother and father met in that church and, up until the time I was eight years old, they attended. Then, My uncle committed suicide due to alcoholism, and that church had disfellowshipped him for drinking alcohol and smoking, leaving him to his own devices. My grandmother was a member of that faith also, and it was not but one or two in that church that stepped up to help her when she was suffering from Cancer. It was members of a small, country, non-denominational church that I had attended while in middle and high school that called my mother offering to help any way they could, even though they had only talked with my grandmother for about 5 minutes at my graduation party.
Since then, I spent time in the military and had some experience with backsliding and being drawn back to the Lord. I also started studying Biblical Hebrew, and I remembered my past, going to church with Grandma. This church was started to study an earlier version of the Bible than the King James Version, as my father had told me. I got back to the roots of the Old Testament. I met a lady where I work part time and I was able to share that knowledge. It was great debating, not arguing, the Word of God. I was in a place where I had forgiven what had happened in the past because I knew that was the only way I could truly be forgiven myself.
If you want to read about a very different experience I had at church camp involving the Holy Spirit, please read this and you'll understand why I could not backslide and stay there.
I loved the flow in this poem, but I liked the message and the attitude even more. Perhaps its because I'm a veteran and I know about the higher call, the one where you raise your right hand and offer your very life for the defense of what America stands for: freedom for all. What good does it do if we are free and the rest of the world suffers? That would imply we have completely forgotten that our country was founded as a nation under God (Mayflower Compact) even before the cry for freedom was heard at the Boston Tea Party. That is a very high call to answer to, especially since many Americans nowadays don't remember what it really means to be oppressed.
Your words have a great deal of impact, and I can feel your passion behind them. All I have to say is AMEN!
Can't say I agree with everything you wrote here, but you do hold a strong stand with your words, and I respect that.
I am a veteran of the U.S. Army and do know why it is that soldiers and servicemen and women of all branches raise their right hands to give their very lives, if necessary, and that is to defend the freedom of every American and person in this world that would not have a way to fight for themselves.
The one thing I worry about, which is a very good point you bring up, is that the public is not very well informed about what the government is doing. The media is not allowed to have some of the information of what is going on in Iraq because the enemy is smart enough to be watching also. I was briefed as a soldier when I went somewhere of what I could and couldn't tell media personnel. That's the way it goes. If it wasn't for a friend of mine coming back from Iraq, I would have never known that they are building a school in a small village for Iraqi children that didn't have one, and rebuilding waterways that were once poisoned. That's usually not reported.
As far as the War on Terrorism goes, I was in Germany when 9/11 happened. It was a scary time for all of us. It wasn't just an attack on the U.S.. There were many representatives from different countries in the World Trade Center. It was an attack on the free world. I remember my husband, a former German soldier, had looked at the television screen, shaking his head, wondering how anyone could take so many lives so senselessly. If the War on Terrorism is not fought elsewhere, it will come back here to the U.S.
One thing my husband had said about the U.S. that really caught my attention was that it was an enigma to most Europeans how it has been so united so long, especially when it is much more diverse than many nations there. He noticed that we don't necessarily agree on everything, but when our country, our very freedom, is attacked, we join together without regard to any of the shallow social categories that normally concern us. And it is not the "Star-Spangled Banner" that the Germans play the most when thinking of America. The favored song there is Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."
You will get quite a response on this essay. You certainly made me think. Thanks for the remembrance of memories, both bitter and sweet. If you would like a more detailed review with strictly grammar or other writing issues, let me know, and I'd be happy to pick through it with a fine-tooth comb.
I felt the emotion the characters were going through because of your great desciptive detail. It was powerful. I pictured what Natalie looked like before, during, and after the illness had taken its toll. Your description of how she looked before and after showed the progression of the Cancer.
I've been working on a novel in which two minor characters, who actually aren't too minor, have come near to death or haved died from Cancer brought on by AIDS. In these stories, death does not have the victory. I don't know if my detail is as good as yours, but I hope they make an impact just the same.
"Chapter 24--Why She Lives"
"Chapter 40--Unity in Faith"
You certainly know how to pull at the heartstrings with your writing.
I read that you would like suggestions for other animals you could use in this. I have some suggestions.
The ant--very goal-oriented and can carry food or supplies on its back that is many times its weight
The hummingbird--sips sweet nectar from flowers and flies very swiftly about. Can even stay in the air paused in one position, its wings flapping. This is the only bird that can do this.
The eagle--excellent eyesight, watching well down below and has majestic widespread wings that the wind whips through
The kitten--running/ripping through the house carefree and knowing that it is safe, with a meow its owner will be there--ooh sweet milk in a bowl
The hawk--will go after what it needs or wants and will not back off until death, very stong will power and very focused, and some would say not too bright--my father caught with one of our big chickens that was much too heavy for it to carry off. He said it looked at him then when back to his business. He didn't put up a fight, but just stood there until the bullet hit it. Much later I heard a song called "The Spirit of the Hawk," and I understood it very well. The famous speech, "I will fight no more," was in the middle of the song. I remembered my father's story of the hawk.
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Is that enough for you to go further with this poem?
I'd like to read it when you add more. I'll change my rating when you say that it is finished.
I've visited Rome, Pompeii, Capri, Verona, Florence, Sorrento, and Venice, so I understand the romance of the country of Italy. My mother, aunt and grandmother got to get on a gandola with me and we sailed through Venice. The history of the country is amazing and the cathedrals are magnificent.
I have to say, though, I lived in Southwest Germany for five years due to a military assignment. I guess it was more than a visit. Don't feel sorry for me though. I had a view of the remnant of the castle of Schriesheim outside my kitchen and bedroom windows. Italy was very beautiful, but the people in the part of Germany where I lived won my heart. There was a pleasantness about them, especially if one would just try to speak a word or two of German. Much of the German people in the region where I lived spoke a good deal of English, yet many were too embarrassed to admit they spoke it until a foreigner stammered in their tongue. I guess it wasn't the land I fell in love with, it was the people.
Have you gotten to travel in Germany yet?
I don't ask my Mom about France too much anymore. She tripped and fell at the Louvre and broke her arm. One pleasant thing she experienced was the congenial nature of a German hospital and doctors. Medical treatment doesn't cost near as much there as it does in the U.S.
God be with you, dear soldier. I served for nearly eight years and now live in a town full of people holding those picket signs and some of the picketers have even thrown things at soldiers in uniform calling them "Baby Killers." I'm usually a very calm person, but my blood boils when people don't seem to understand that soldiers defend their right to stand there on the street and picket the way they do. Honestly, I liked the way you put this in all capital letters. Judging from the intense situation over there, it is warranted that you say this LOUD in the face of those who would say, "Bring them Home. There is No War."
I don't watch television news anymore, because all I've seen of it about the war doesn't tell the whole story.
I salute you for what you are doing over there. May God bring you home safe to your loved ones. And may Iraq be restored so that its citizens can enjoy the same freedoms we tend to take for granted.
Amen. Simply said, and very true. I pray that this blesses everyone who reads it. I love the imagery of the storm and the morning dew. It's always great to find a fellow writer on this site who is not afraid to fill his/her writing with faith in the God who loves us all.
God bless you.
I try to do the same with my writing. Although it may appear more complex than this poem, the message is just as simple:
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There's plenty of spiritual warfare in it.