Well the first thing I just have to say is this was beautiful, almost melodic in a sense. It blew me away just the way you used your words and how the sounds just "flowed" and I absolutely admire your vocabulary! My favourite phrase has to be the last two line "May heaven hold a place for you, My friend" It really makes it seem as if you are talking about a loved one, although simple it seems to hold so much emotion. I tried and I have to say I just really can't see that there is anything I would change. Although I am by no means and expert or really even that much experienced, I still say this is a beautiful piece that really caught my eye.
Thank you for such a beautiful read.
Allymonsta
xxx
Interesting!!!
Firstly I really enjoyed your last line, to me the last line is very important and if you don't nail it the poem doesn't sound as it should. But yours was beautiful I really thought it just rounded it off perfectly!!
The only thing i could pick out about this poem is just the slight stumble sometimes when in your rhyme you have had an "s" in the first line and then none in your second for example:
"This gift from long forgotten fates
retains the power to create"
But this is only very small and really there is nothing else you should worry about.
Thank you for such a lovely read with a different view on a first love I enjoyed it so much and congradulate you on putting together the swaying peice of emotion!
Thanks
Ally
WOW! I really enjoyed your poem. It is so sweet and flowing.
My favourite part is
"Baskets of flowered hope end
In sad "he love's me not."
This to me really shows just how sad this is and creates a picture in the mind of the reader.
i think though that the line
" The robin's cheery song is full of woe"
I know what you are trying to say but it is a little confusing maybe instead try something like
"The Robins song, sung full of woe"
but really I Like to find something about every peice that could be improved and you made it very difficult so if you don't like my suggestion don't worry about it!
Thank you so much for a lovely read I thought it was brilliant!
Write on!
Ally
OH! This is a beautiful poem with a sweet melodical (hope I spelt that right!) ring. I really enjoyed it .
The only thing That I can pick about this poem is the way you fourth line sounds with the rest of the poemIn my opinion it is just a tad to long and doesn't fit in with the rythym. I suggest that maybe next time get someone other than yourself to read it out I find it helps a lot!
But really It was an outstanding poem hitting home in the heart of your reader.
My favourite part would have to be the last line I think it was really clever how you included a fairly well known saying in your poem it makes your reader think about it more carefully!
Well done I am glad I have read your poem!
All the best,
Ally
Ooooh..
This is so sad yet beautiful and romantic. Your story was so... longing and sweet that I cried non stop from the middle to the end of the story! I can't pick anything I dislike about this you have used many techniques well such as repetition, the twist in a story and the romantic side. It immidiately touches the reader and definetely my heart!
all the best
Ally
Oh my gosh!
This is really distressing and emotional. It really lances straight throught the heart.It is a brillaint peice of pain and giving up.
It makes me so sad to think that someone has to experience this...
I really love your ending
"Glancing around, I can’t be sad.
Being locked away, ain’t so bad.
No one’s there, to drive you mad."
This really rounds everything up ending in the sorrows of despair.
All the best
Ally
Hey!
Wow! this is a very emotional peice and strong going straight to the hear of a reader. Though I would like to suggest that you raise the age rating to 18+ becuase to me i think this is a bit to much for a 13 year old to handle. another thing i would like to point out is you grammar you seem to use a lot of 'i's instead of 'I's. Lastly I think to round it off, like to show how bad this guy is by putting an age at the end for example "... I died after only eight years of my life." I beleve this will just show how sad this story is.
But this is still a shocking but very emotional peice which touches my heart and disgusts me at the same time. You really put the question into peoples minds about why would someone do this... to their own daughter?!
Anyway
Congratulations on an excellent peice
Ally
Great work!
This is a really good peice (as usual your an awesome writer) I thoroughly enjoyed it and laughed out loud a good many times! I like the way you word you description of confusion by showing the confusion of a messy room, him begginig to not remeber things and that SOUND{e:Music1{e:Music2}}! Gosh I could never imagine that all that would come of a silly buzzing sound!
I would like to add though I enjoyed your descriptions his situation i believe some more descriptive language could be used because quite a few times I think it lacked that extra element. Any way I still loved this story soo much and congratulate you on your brilliant peice.
My favourite part was when he saw a young woman walking down the street but forgot how little clothing he was wearing until she ran away from him. At this I cracked up laughing, out loud! (people around me started looking at me funny)... Thank you for this enjoyable and funny short story.
Hi!
I really enjoyed this chapter it is a good intro with the right amount of mystery, arrogance and imagery. I really enjoyed this chapter and am looking forward to mare although I would reccomend 2 things, Firstly watch your spelling and grammar, quite a few times you used short form such as 'u' for 'you'. Also I think it would add even more interest to your story to describe more about your character and her familiars appearance as well as personality and maybe even some more about their backround because to draw the reader into your story they need to be able to know your character to sympathise with them or to just understand them otherwise in my opinion even if it is a good story line it becomes boring.
But you have done a great job at adding interest and humor to your story to make me waiting to read more.
Can't wait for the next chapter
Write On!
Ally
Great work! this is a really good peice of work i thoroughly enjoyed it and was intrigued by it.
I would just like to ask though is this your ending because if it is I, in my opinion it doesn't properly add up and lets the story down also if he is senteced to hell then what for you don't actually say why or what it could possibly be or at least for what I have noticed.
But other than these I found you story to be a very detailed peice in which I was pulled into by your great use of words and unanswered questions.
All the best
Write on!
Ally
OH MY GOSH!!! This is an absolutely brilliant story I got right into it. Also the way you have described the happenings and events as well as the technology just makes it so believable. Now I am scared! It feels like this will really happen now!!!! I just can't find anything to pick about this that is a problem its just...
Adrenaline pumping,philysophical and romantic all in the one hit...
AMAZING
I loved this story so much! I reckon you should get this published it is Excellent!
Write on!
Ally
P.S. I am heading right now to review your other works I want to read MORE!!
WOW!
this is a very powerful poem it strikes immediately and makes you read it twice!!!
I really love the way you have used your words it makes you read on it intrigues your reader capturing them in the middle of your poem, great work!!
I would just like to say at first I did not fully understand your point by the way you have written this peice it got a little confusing half way through.
But this is probably just because of my age nevertheless
It is a brilliant poem and is beautifully flowing
Keep going all the way!!!
Ally
HI!
fantastic this is such a sweet poem! It really made me think about it and also reminded me of my own experiences it was wonderful.
One thing i would like to point out though is your ending in my opinion it takes away from the rest of the poem because you are saying how deeply in love you are with this person then saying you want to stay best friends forever it gets a little confusing. When you are ending a poem I find it is helpful to link it back to the start of your poem or even the title so maybe something like this...
"You've always been the only one
Since the times we just had fun
And now although I have no choice
I do not want to say
your my 'Lost Love' "
But you still have executed this poem well and in exceptional detail
I really love the way you say":
"Everyone thought we were meant to be,
or was that just me?"
It throws soooo much feeling into the poem
Well wishing you all the best
Write on!
Ally
Hi!
This poem is beautiful, you have poured so much feeling into such a simple thing as cooking. Really a clever idea.
I would Like to point out your grammar, I know it is probably not meant but more than once you use "i" intsead of "I" so just be careful of simple things like that when writing.
Very well done I believe this is one of the best poems I have read so far (sorry but that is not heaps as I am new) and really catches your attention with your very trivial theme "Egg with bacon and a side of toast"
Excellent work
Ally
HI!
I really like the way you have set this story up it makes it interesting and simple at the same time. Also your questioning about life is contrasted well by the innocence of the child. It makes the ideas seem so much more intelligent to the reader and this makes them think carefully about them.
The one thing I noticed though is that sometimes the child seems older then a lot younger in the way its comments are phrased so just be aware of that when you are writing.
But overal fantastic job it really had me hooked from just the title and I did not get bored even once!
All the best
Ally
HI!
awesome!!!!!!
That is a really good idea. And the repetition really works well in your poem it makes the reader take notice. Only one thing I would reccomend is that you don't use the example of a dog twice, I know its a puppy and a dog but they are both sad feelings and they seem really similare maybe try something like...
"When I am lonely there is in me an old man sitting alone by his wife's grave". Just something different because in my opinion that adds a little to much repetition.
Other than this though you really are talented in painting a picture for the reader i could almost feel the sweet happiness of child in the middle of a candy store which makes this line is my favourite along with the fact it made me laugh !!!!!
Great work
All the best
Ally
HI!
hahahahahaha!!! at first when clicked on this I almost couldn't believe how some one could write a 6 word story as I am a very slow and long writer I tend to find it very hard to shorten things to 200 words let alone 6 words!!
Fantastic job after i got the joke I almost burst out laughing. But then also when you think about it you are putting across a very strong message about what levels of desperation people can go to when in "tough times"
HI!
This is a very interesting way to take bad luck (lol). I really like the way you rhyme every last line it links the poem together so it is more whole in its sound. But I would like to point out how you have rhymed the first stanza, which I believe has a very nice rythm and bounce to it, though with the other three stanzas you don't. In my opinion this takes away from the overall sounding of the poem as it looses that bounce and rhythm which gives it life and joy!
Other than this though, this is a very funny poem and I particularly like your very last line which finishes off with a laugh nicely
All the best
Ally
Oh my goodness this is so sweet and sad at the same time it almost made me cry. I really like the way you have given it a soft solem rythm with your ryming its just beautiful! Also lovely use of descriptive words it really paints a picture of not only imagery but feelings and memories!
This is a moving peice of work I wish I could right just as good.
Ally
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Dear Cairylee
This has been a WDC power review!
Great work!
) I thoroughly enjoyed it and laughed out loud a good many times! 
I like the way you word you description of confusion by showing the confusion of a messy room, him begginig to not remeber things and that 
SOUND{e:Music1{e:Music2}}! Gosh I could never imagine that all that would come of a silly buzzing sound!
Any way I still loved this story soo much and congratulate you on your brilliant peice.
...
Thank you for this enjoyable and funny short story.
This has been a WDC Power Review! 
This has been a WDC power review