This is a really good poem. I enjoyed reading it in a very weird way. I thought it was cool how you did the sort of e e cummings writing style, and I thought it fit well. I thought that the way you made it from the vampire's point of view, and how life was kind of a torture. Great work and write on!
You have been raided by a member of "Invalid Item" !
What a great poem. It really just highlights those wonderful feelings of lifelong love. So sweet! I did notice a typo: My hope,to see you in the sky.
Obviously, there's a space instead of that comma.
Also: We're older now, in latter years
Did you mean to say latter? Because I think later fits better.
Your port has been raided by a member of {group:portraiders}!
Awww! I love this poem! It's so sweet, it brought tears to my eyes! Really sweet and good emotion. The rhyming is really good in most places, but... I sure love the way you pick me up at night,
You hold me so gently and chase away fright.
This part is a little bit awkward. I would suggest:
I sure love the way you pick me up at night,
You hold me so gently and chase away the fright.
Just cutting out so and adding the I think makes it sound a little less awkward.
This is a very good poem with real emotion. Very nice. Just some suggestions I have.
1. The following two lines don't really match up. Once I was in a land of illusion,
where thoughts wandered without confusion.
I think it would make more sense to extend that first line to match the second one.
2. These lines didn't really match up either. Taken to a place I did not belong,
I had honestly felt I had done nothing wrong.
Another situation where I feel the first line should be further extended to match the second.
3. This following section I had some problems with. Cold lines of steel began to close,
sweat on my face had already froze.
Seeing as that is not grammatically correct, it sounds very awkward. My suggestion would be this: Cold lines of steel began to close in,
sweat on my face had already frozen.
Try that instead.
4. Another mismatch. I felt an urge to carve my name,
as others before me had done the same.
I would try changing the comma to a semicolon and removing the as and then they will match up.
This is a really good poem. I really got the feeling of being trapped. The surprise is felt and is excellent. The one thing I would suggest is either making the entire poem single spaced or starting out double spaced and moving to single spaced because the spaced-out-ness doesn't make sense at the end when it's talking about claustrophobia and asphyxiation. Just a thought.
This was a very good and interesting poem. I like the imagery used in it, as I could imagine what was happening. What I would suggest is going back and reading it through, as some of the lines don't match up in length and rhythm. For example, lines one and two and five and six don't seem to match up all that well. Other than that, good work.
I think this is a lovely Christmas story for children. It's very sweet. However, there are plenty of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, so you should get someone to check those over for you. Also, you use the expressions "it took ages" or "it seemed like ages" a lot, so you may want to edit some of those phrases and use a different expression. Other than that, good work and write on!
This is a very cute story to read. I enjoyed it very much. I did have a few suggestions, though. One is that you get someone to proofread this, as it does have some grammatical errors. There are some unnecessary capitalizations and other errors. Also, some of the ministers that you introduced at the beginning turned out to not even be in the story, so you may want to remove them as they just add to length and nothing else. But other than that, good work and write on!
I. Love. This. Essay. This is probably one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. My favorite line was probably
Hold on to those blushing pilgrims, Romeo, you’ve still got a little ways to go.
It was a very clever nod to "Romeo and Juliet" and all of us who have read it/seen the play/watched the movie were bound to get it. The one suggestion I have is to change the following phrase from the first paragraph:"For though those with testosterone". It doesn't make any sense.
It was a very interesting read, with points argued well. The reason why I gave it the 4.0 and not higher is because of the very dense language you used in this. I feel like if you used so more accessible language it would be a better read. Other than good, and Write On!
I think it is a very good. I really enjoyed reading it and it really rings true with us all. It has a very strong message, and has a very good voice in it. The only thing I would suggest would be that it is broken up into more even stanzas. But good job, and Write On!
I think this is a really good poem, filled with real emotion. I generally like the rhyme scheme, I feel like it's really interesting. In the first stanza, how the crying is first then the trying, and then in the second stanza it's trying then crying seemed a little off to me. But other than that, I really enjoyed it.
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a very touching story and you could tell it was written from the heart. The only thing that I had a problem with was that, to me, it felt like it skipped around a bit. I felt the organization left a little to be desired, but other than that, it was great!
I thought it was a really good story. It was interesting and funny, and the end was heart-warming. I just have a few suggestions. The first one is that the dialogue in a few places sounded unrealistic to the time and the age of the characters. The second one is that I felt the ending was a bit sudden and it would have been better if it had been drawn out more. But it's entertaining, and I enjoyed it.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/allmyjunk444
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 7:16pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
