Very clever poem. Interesting form, it has its own rhythm which starts, not unlike the normal rolling waves, then building and retreating again. Which is, I am sure, exactly what you were aiming for.
I love this bit:
"As unaware you wait my awesome thrust,
my curve that curls at sandy shore, my wave
that skyward soars magnificent, my grab
that drags all to my bosom in the end."
Wonderful use of alliteration and half rhyme there.
Sorry to hear that you had some problems. Hope this helps more.
I think the reason this piece is so hard to critique, apart from the fact that it is a difficult format anyway, is that there is no indication of where this is going or where it has come from. As a selection of dialogue it has no structure, if we had a short introduction explaining where in the action this takes place it might set the scene a little better.
At the moment it reads like a big rant, one long argument! The characters aren't very likeable, and they aren't very hate-able (I know, no such word!) either, so it's hard to care one way or another what the heck they are spouting on about.
The dialogue mostly sounds reasonably natural, you can get away with students being a bit up themselves and talking about abstracts and things that people would not in normal conversation.
And that is my honest opinion. I just found it a bit dull, lacking in action, or dramatic counterpoint, and I didn't connect with the characters. It seems really harsh seeing that in black and white, because it's not badly written AT ALL, it just didn't engage me personally.
But, as I said, if you give us a clue as to what the backstory is, where in the story this takes place and what the action is, maybe this would make more sense than it does in isolation.
That was an absorbing read! You capture the fear really well and the whole piece has a very oppressive atmosphere that adds to the story.
In para 1 I loved the description of the weight of the snow, but I would end it "like a hungry predator tears tender flesh"...same image, just slightly more punch.
Then you say "mussels" when I think you mean "muscles", unless you did have bivalves in mind ;)
I'd say the gloves were "taken from" the old Indian, rather than "taken off of".
In para 2 I loved the echoig of the fingers image. You say "mother load", where I think you mean "mother lode". In this para you use the phrase "was gone" three times. Maybe the first time you could say "disappeared" and the second time maybe "no one noticed the void"?
P4 you repeat "simply" twice in succeeding sentences. You say "loosing his grip" instead of "losing his grip" and I think table-like has a hyphen.
In para 4 you say "loose track" instead of "lose track".
That's all the niggly stuff. I really liked the story, it reeked of futility and doom and the descriptive elements were great.
Well done and keep going!
Allie
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