So, first up I wanted to say I liked it. The exchange between Mitch and Mr Burke in the beginning was cute and amusing and Darius dreaming about someone he didn't know was interesting enough for me to want to keep reading. However, it's really difficult reading large blocks of text and I would seriously suggest breaking up your paragraphs. As an example:
Darius he found his clothes sprawled on the floor and dressed himself in his usual outerwear; a Killer Fee t-shirt, Blackwashed denim jeans, and he always, always wore his tight, black leather bomber jacket. Darius whipped out his dark-tinted Gascon shades; he didn't care that it was still dark outside, he wore his shades 24/7. It was a comfort to him knowing that strangers didn't know his identity when he wore his sunglasses, people always say "Looking into a person's eyes can tell a lot about them."
He opened his apartment door and stealthily crept out towards the exit, his Duster scampering behind him. The last thing he wanted was the gossipy, old landlady waking up to see him heading outside in the early morning. He didnt want her to get the wrong ideas and,heck spread it to the whole world. She already thought he smoked pot and did drugs, which was more than enough.
As soon as Darius was outside in the "safe" territory, he sprinted to his sleek, silver Volvo S60, dived into his car, Duster jumped up on the passenger seat. Then he jammed the key into the ignition and slammed his foot down hard on the accelerator. It was as if his body had a compass built in himself, he knew exactly where to turn and what street to go on even though he didnt even know where he was going. "Im crazy I swear I'm crazy." He mumbled to himself."What decent guy would be out at this time?" He glared at the wide deserted road stretching out in front of him, annoyed at being woken up from a decent sleep.
Each paragraph should show a new idea. So in the above, your first paragraph is when you're describing what Darius normally wears etc. The second paragraph your talking about how Darius is sneaking out of his apartment and then the third paragraph shows us Darius in his car. Hopefully you understand what I mean because breaking up the paragraphs will make your story far, far easier to read.
Along with breaking up the paragraphs you also need to separate the sections. The main one would be the jump from Mitch to Darius; it's very confusing to have them right next to each other. I would suggest putting at least a few lines between them. Same with the 'one hour later' and 'half an hour later'. The lines read as if their meant to be part of the story, rather then telling the reader time has passed. The easiest way to fix it would be to put them in italics, centre them or again just putting a few lines between them and the rest of the text.
Another thing that will really improve your story is just really going over it again and again. I noticed quite a few mistakes, which I've shown below and while they're all really small individually when there's a few of them they clutter up the story.
Just a little piece, he told himself, anyway, who could possibly notice a bar of chocolate missing?
Ah, the wonder of the semi-colon. It's a way to join two thoughts together without having to rewrite the entire sentence.
Just a little piece, he told himself; anyway, who could possibly notice a bar of chocolate missing?
“Ah," Tom nodded, “Everyone gets that nowadays.”
Tom choked; how the hell could he refuse? “No,” he gasped, “Take it…just take it.”
she would always be with him no matter what happened; the next day she was killed by a hit and run driver.
This was soo.. soo... .this was so soo..wrong..
Okay, in the narrative of the story, things like 'soo' are really quite annoying. People can saying things like 'soo', because people tend to drag out their words. Stories, however, don't. The '...' gives you the pause and dragging out the words isn't needed.
I saw something and your telling me there's nothing.
your is a personal pronoun. As in yourbag. you're is a contraction of you are. So it should be you're telling me
"Im crazy. I swear I'm crazy."
I hope your not discouraged by this; like I said, I liked the story. I just think it needs a lot more work but hopefully this review will help you get there. :)
Cheers,
TheRandomRocker |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
