| This needs a great deal of work. As the beginning to a short story it's fine, but as the first chapter of a book, you show mistakes commonly made by first-time authors. You're giving far too much information in these first few pages. So far we know that the main character is adopted, has a quiet family, and is going to college. We also have seen the attitude her parents have towards her quiet social life. I'd suggest picking up almost any novel and reading the first five pages. Do they tell you everything about a character? Or do they show a single scene, saving information for later? Knowing what type of cereal your characters eat for breakfast each morning is fine, but we, the readers, need a little bit of mystery. With that said, one of your paragraphs was incomprehensible. It began "Shamika knows, of course, how touchy my family is about phone calls..." Beginning this with a quote mark and continuing later in the paragraph with "And besides, Shamika..." leads the reader to believe they are actually listening to the conversation between Sophia and Shamika, something which is obviously not happening. Pay close attention to your grammar and punctuation. I realize that first person requires the stream of thought approach, but you need more action, less talk. People don't sum up their lives in their minds suddenly one morning just when you're beginning a book on them. Self realization for characters happens in the same way it does for you, over time and with much pain. I'd personally take this chapter, print it out, and stash it away in a folder. A folder is a great use when writing a book, for this reason. Anything you write that shouldn't be in the book- this scene, for example- can go into the folder. Of course you'll rewrite this three times before you've decided exactly how you'll do it, but this first copy should be saved. Besides letting you know how far you've come from your first attempt, that copy will also keep all of this information about your characters fresh and easily accesible. If you ever need to know where Sophia is coming from, you can go back to that folder and read all of the information you've gathered there. I'd also suggest doing a character sheet on each main character. Have you ever played a paper based RPG? If not, the spreadsheet goes like this. Age, height, hair colour, eye colour, weight, motivation, motto, birthday, education level, daily schedule...etc, etc, etc. Making this sheet in the first place will keep you from developing the character as you write, which is usually what results in copy such as your first chapter. Good luck and blessed be! |
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