Your character was well developed and described throughout your poem and to the climax.
The rhyming was most excellent.
I only questioned whether you were missing a question mark after several sentences throughout your poem, particularly: 'Or does he just stay cast in a darkly, villainous part.'.
Otherwise, I enjoyed your representation of Death as you see him, the ever-present villain of life, the anti-life, the one who sulks in the dark.
I liked your introductory opening. It’s one that will surely connect with many kindred spirits.
The flow, pace, and cadence from start to finish was impeccable, as well.
I did find a spot that had me a bit confused, though. That spot was in paragraph five and line three, where I read “. . . laugh maniacal.” It didn't seem right unless you can justify that. I wondered if you rightly meant to write that in reverse with the adjective before the noun, as it should be. Aside from that, I saw nothing else.
What I did see was a very, very enjoyable short story, almost likened to a free verse poem that I enjoyed reading.
I liked the mindset that you gave your character--cunning, thorough, patient, and more. Cool!
Here's a bit of constructive criticism, Eddie.
You need to get back here to edit some punctuation errors. You need to place those periods inside of the quotation marks
.
And, in your second paragraph, I believe it to be line seven, you have the word "have" repeated back to back. This you should edit to make your story even better.
Aside from those suggestions, your story flowed; it showed a neat path to the end result that you planned for the conclusion of your story. Cool!
A nice intro, Lisa, and a finer path to the end of your tale.
I like animal stories, excellent characters for the right stories. I've written some, as well. They are great for kids, especially if it has a moral.
Here you have a classical moral for kids, for those who seek unwise adventures without Mom's permission, and deserving a good spanking, if the scare hasn't been punishment enough.
Lis, I do believe I noticed a few punctuations missing, here and there: one prior to a conjunction and one after a preposition. Sorry, and a period that should have been a comma, I noted.
I liked the surprising conclusion to your scary story. I didn't know what to expect. You had me dangling with the bait you were throwing out. Cool! Creative! Cunning!
The moral I read was that you don't mess with Mom. Worse, that you don't ruin her plans, let alone be the cause of ruining what outfit she may have on, at the time.
The follies of kids or children are what I see here, too, through misadventure at the wrong time.
Do commas go inside of quotation marks? I believe they do. No, I am sure they do. I keep them in there. Check that out, and refresh your tale.
It was a great short story, my kind of story--brief and to the point, though longer ones are just as fine if interesting and catching and involving.
Great ending, I say.
Alcides
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