Tala Wolff, hmm interesting little piece. I read this more as a lead in to a longer piece. An opening chapter to a longer piece, not as a stand alone short story. There are several ways you can go with this work. There are two different character which can't be exploited. There is the protest angle, or even the one event in the chapter - the poster cutting the narrator.
Just one nit. I would lose the opening line. Just start "Oh, what they......"
Adam, I love this as an opening chapter. You create good tension and it has action.
Just a few nits: (1) For me the opening paragraph appears as if you are trying to hard.
It tells to much unimportant facts about the building. It is really slow. I would use just the
first two/three sentences and jump to the second paragraph.
(2) Porter reached into his front right pocket and began to pull something out. It was a sword. - should be made into one sentence
The boy was only sixteen, but his early matured body made him look at least eighteen.
For me this is not needed. Or re word.
These two sentences say the same thing. She is not surprised.
If she was surprised to see the boy, she didn’t show it.
“Whaddya want?” she asked, her words slurred from sleepiness.
Hmmm, Bound In Bones. I was expecting more of a actual story. For me this reads as
compilation of thoughts, and opinions. I don't have any real idea of the narrator. Is the narrator human, spirit? For me just a bit confusing. If this is a prologue, it presents far too many questions and the reader will constantly search for answers. I would suggest trimming the prologue to maybe one paragraph.
Nice flash story. I'm really glad it ended as a little boy playing. In my opinion it wouldn't have worked any other way. Just one nit. Get rid of the exclamation. They really aren't need and you use far too many. Stephen King said," Exclamation points are the tools of lazy writers."
In my opinion your narrative and pace is enough. Nice piece.
WOW!!! Great short story. You drew good characters. I got a good feel of their personalities and their physical appearances. Just two "picks". I think you should allow the reader to hear the phrase "If you tell, you'll go to Hell" before the end of the story. Because I didn't know of it before, it almost reads like something you just "added" . Also a lot of the sentences begin with the pronoun "I". There should be a way to rework some of the sentence to change that.
Except for those two, a great short story to submit. Nice writing!!
Hmm, starnight what happened??? Did you get tired and just end the story. I had just settled into the story and your style and it was over. Maybe you should use a smaller type and the Roman font. I would also suggest that you look at your punctuation. There are several mistakes. He walked up to the main gate,/What;s/ and a tail,/ Just to name a few.
I feel a good story here. Just needs some work. Keep writing.
Okay, maybe I came in late. But I don't see the connection of the first four sentence to
Chapter 1. What is the timeline from the prologue to Chapter 1? Does the prologue take place in PA or CO?? Chapter 1 reads well. "He was definitely unique" How so? U may want to use a sentence to explain. Of course there is a millions different ways to go from here. Nice!!!
creativemind, There is something missing here. U open with a nice hook. Than U go off on a completely different path. The reader is left hanging. What mistake did you make? Where is the main character in the opening? You opening is good and there is several ways to go with the story. The ending doesn't connect with the story??? Take your time, I believe there is a good story here. Don't give up!!
hmm, very nice for an extract. There are several ways u can go with this piece. You can make this the final chapters in a short story about two people meeting. Or you can make this the opening scene and fill in with a back story. "I paid him the same courtesy" reads to me as an ending. It sounds final. Nice writing!
I like the piece. A good beginning for a short story!! If you would have edited the piece and corrected the paragraphs, I think this would have been much better. The reading would have flowed much better and given the reader a better picture to envision. I would seriously consider developing this into a short story. NICE START!!!
I like the idea. A spoof of the tortoise and the hare? The dialogue is believable and you have a good balance of dialogue and action. The only thing I didn't get was the character seem to come out of nowhere. Maybe a scene showing a group of animals in the race and the watcher. Good piece. Nice writing!!! peace
I am assuming this is a first draft. You have a good start but the thoughts and sentences are a bit jumbled. The sentence ...he loved his wife more than anything.... He was handsome and smart??? That's a big jump for the reader Then jumps back to pushing away thoughts of his wife....I didn't know he was thinking of her?? The silence was deafening. They hardly spoke in fear.... that is saying the same thing twice. I think you have a good start your imagination is just ahead of your thoughts. Keep writing.
WOW!! I think this is a first draft?? There is A LOT of errors. Misspelled words, sentence fragments, and incomplete sentences. The premise is great but more works needs to be done. Slow down take your time. Read your story aloud; this will help you edit. You know what you want to say. Your imagination is ahead of your thoughts. peace
Hmm?? It started very well and then......stuck. For me didn't really go anywhere. I think it is a GREAT start for a children's story. Throw in a lesson/moral and it would make a great
bedtime story. Great premise.
I like it. I can identify. I too had a great friend we parted but stay in contact.
I don't know if I could utter that final sentence though. One misspelled word. sentace.
I think you should read it aloud and erase some of that commas. Nice writing!!
A original premise. Sounds as if it could be true. A few things I notice. Para 1 the sentences are way too long. I think you could delete some of the commas and add periods.
The sentence "the sun was... " seems as if it goes forever.
Paragraph 2
The character is talking to himself aloud?? You use parentheses around the words.
Para 3-5
I think there are just way too many commas. There are several misspelled words also.
The premise is great. I just think you need to proofread. Keep writing.
Nice!! I thought the dialogue was very believable. I could almost feel the scene. I have
personally noticed a women being harass by a drunken man. I felt really ashamed of myself for not getting involved. The only part that was a little off. What didn't she just run directly to her father's car instead of making the detour? Once she made the detour I expected something to happen in the bathroom. Again nice. and should be easy to revise if you wanted to revise. Keep writing!!!
It you have time take a look at some of my work. peace
Have a SPECIAL WEEKEND!!!
Couldn't figure it out. Would be interested in knowing what was your motivations?
I would speak about the sentence structure but I guessing that is all part of this
piece.
A really nice piece. You really illustrate the relationship between your mother and yourself.
For me though it was too long and not really a story. I think it would read better broken down into smaller pieces. Maybe something entitled "Reflection of Mother and Me". Too many places where you are retelling an event not a story. The paragraph about the restaurant is a
perfect example. I spotted a few typos but those are easily repaired. Nice writing!!! Keep
up the good work.
Whoa!! Max. Nice I wasn't expecting that. Original premise/plot. For some reason I got the feeling early in the story that he didn't love his wife. Maybe it's just me. For me the description are just a little too flowery. I notice a couple misspelled words. Again really
nice twist. Write on!!! alan
Really nice thoughts. I can identify with these thoughts. Your words are the exact same
words I utter to myself when I began writing last year. I was tiring of living the "American
life" I had followed all the societal rules and felt it was time for "me to be me".
Now I see it in black and white. Well said.
This didn't read as a story to me. More like a event that happened. I think if you give the
characters more depth it would be more believable as a short story. Nothing really happens here. I think if you could rework it as a poet it would be a nice piece.
WOW!! very nice. I don't usually "get" poetry. In fact after I clicked on and saw a poet I felt as
if I was in for some deep thinking. Instead I got a nice surprise. I think everybody can relate to running too slowly. The heavy leaden legs. My running is eternal. But I don't think I ever been caught. nicely done!!
Okay, the open was great of course. A good attention grabber. But I got a little lost after
the second paragraph. The shooting started and then it seems as if you went back in time.
The sentence. "Jen I called out trying not to....." sorta lost me. The action is good and
believable as is the the dialogue. Reads like it can be great. Keep writing!!! peace.
Vakumus, you should not use the WritingPage format. It's makes your sentence all jumble and difficult to read. I did the same. I think your story is a little scattered also. For instance-
Water started pouring from the ceiling. I guess this design was made for fire-situations.
This throws the reader WAY off. I think the ending was very confusing.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/alancarter
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 6:45pm on Dec 28, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
