What a wonderful story! I loved this. I'm such a sucker for romance stories though, so I guess that explains it. But this was a good one. I myself am working on a story that intertwines memories with the present. Yours is done very effectively.
I didn't really see any glaring grammatical errors, which is a bonus for you! You must be or must know a great editor!
Always the addict to happy endings, I loved how she survived, how she beat the sickness. Whoo-hoo!
What a great, original piece. I found this on the reviewing page, and I found the title a little intriguing; I immediately clicked on it.
I'm a big hand person too, that's one of the first things I notice on someone. To me, they can be beautiful. I'm sure yours are too, though you doubt it.
One thing I REALLY liked about this piece was that you made it seem your hands have a life of your own. That was really clever, and made me laugh, especially when you talk about being in meetings, and 'them' starting to tap-dance. A little kinesthetic, eh?
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I thought you did a really good job on this piece, and kudos for an original piece!
God Bless,
Piper
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I really like this poem, though I can't exactly pinpoint the reason. I just get the feeling of real, deep, love...and romance is my thing! Just a question though: Is your husband/significant other a soldier? And, are they overseas?
I ask because this line: When you feel a sudden
surge of strength
It makes me think of a man, lying in the bed of a convoy, pointing his sharpshooter at someone, and feeling so tired of war, then somehow, he feels the strength you will to him, and he can triumph and live to persevere another day.
Of Course, that's just my opinion! Good job on this!
I couldn't have said this better myself. Usually when one reads of this, they think of the man in the dream whose face is blurry. The hard part for me is I can see his face, I know who he is...but shortly he'll be out of my life. This poem really put into words what I feel for him, what I want for us, and I really enjoyed how you included God into your poem.
I don't think there can be a real solid, loving relationship unless God is there in the middle of it, strengthening and protecting.
Overall, I really liked this poem, and I think you did an excellent job with it. Usually I like freeverse, but this rhyming one was a fresh taste in my mouth. Great job!
Have a great morning,
Piper
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I LOVED this piece! What a great story! I kept laughing the whole time. I like how you took inspiration from a movie, and turned it into something we could relate to. I think this is such a good solid story; I can't see anything grammatically wrong or any spelling errors. I really liked reading the character's thoughts. Again, kudos to you! I haven't found many good comedy pieces, but this one is just awesome!
Write on!
Piper
What a great story! I rarely read something so well written, and I really enjoyed this. I can't find anything wrong with this, no grammatical errors or something that doesn't flow very ewll. The best part of this is that it keeps to the format of a short story, simple and SHORT. It doesn't leave you hanging, and you tell only of an excerpt of Charlotte's life, which is nice. Thumbs up!
Piper
What a really beautiful piece; I can't tell you how much I enjoyed reading this. Whenever I read prose, it is usually nonsensical, but yours tells a story, it moves somewhere and takes the reader along.
I think you've done a great job with this, but I have only a suggestion or two.
I think your piece would benefit greatly from some formatting, such as putting it in paragraph from. Take, for instance, after your ellipse (Which might do better if shortened to the formal three dots). The next sentence might be a new paragraph; you might want to add a tad more to that thought.
That new paragraph, exactly after the aforementioned phrase, needs to be clarified a bit. At first I thought you were talking about being asleep on the grass, THEN realized you were at a different place. Clearing it up would make the piece flow more easily.
And finally, I would think about a new title. I love how the words put together sound, but it works well within the piece, not as a title. It's a little long and confusing, if you read it fast.
Once again, a very beautiful and heart-breaking piece, and I think that with a few minor adjustments, you'll have a masterpiece. I added it to my favorites the moment I got done with it, and I look forward to reading it once it's been shined up. Oh, and I find WritingML Tags to be VERY useful, they've really helped me. Please, I hope you haven't taken any offense to anything I've said, I just really want this piece to work even better than it already does.
Slan Leat
Piper
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aislann
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:29pm on Nov 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
