Overall View
It was a nice idea for the story. You seemed to have thought out the background to the story. The piece needs to be edited better as that mainly what let the story down.
I have highlighted some things in the piece that you might like to think about and be aware of in the future.
Shorter Sentences
She removed her glasses, arched her back, leaned her head backwards, and yawned, wondering why all of the young people who had died showed they had died of old age, even though they all had been in their twenties.
This is a really long sentence and the reader gets lost within. You have two choices - break it up into smaller sentences, or remove the unimportant information.
She removed her glasses and leaning backwards let out a large yawn. All of her lost protégés had been in their twenties, yet their post mortems showed that they died of old age.
Whispers
This should be in quotations, or at the very least italics. It makes it easier to read.
"Laura, please I'm dying!" A soft whisper came from behind her.
verb tense
Verb Tense should be consistent.
"who are you?” she said trying to convince herself that she is imagining things.
"Who are you?" she said trying to convince herself that she wasn't imagining things.
Interesting idea. I liked the idea that a vampire would still have to get a job and carry on in some sense the same as normal people. And they way in which they reverted back was also nice.
The story was a nice read. I was expecting a little more graphic, gory detail due to it being rated 18+.
The style works really well, I like the way that the story is gotten from the things that the external characters said. I also like the way that as the story develops that the reader is putting the pieces together at the same time that the narrator starts to put them together.
Just some thoughts
I play quite a few rpg games and the story is like one of those where the player awakes not knowing who they are and must ask around and dream to learn more.
Suggested Editing Mason Thatch - You asking me if he is real, because if that is the case I might as well just turn my back and walk away from you right now, crazy question like that.
I just found this sentence a little too long. Might be best to break it into two.
It ain’t right to speaka’ the gods so.” Imra Selvin, Servant Woman
should this be "speaka' about the gods so" or even "speaka' of the gods so"
I love the imagery. It is imagery I myself have often used in poems and proses that I write. Humans have often become so detatched from nature and seek to put in concrete paths and areas where grass and little flowers should grow.
I like the way that you used the living picture of the daisies (one could imagine them moving slightly in the breeze) with the lifeless concrete. Even though there is movement within the concrete jungle it not something we seek but prefer instead those quiet and beautiful daisy fields.
I love the phrase 'green gold' - it sounds wonderful.
I love the imagery in this poem. There is so much beauty in nature yet few ever really see and much less feel it. We often don't appreciate things until they are gone. Modern life often leads to greed for we want more and more and become detatched from the natural world.
This is like the poetry and prose I tend to write. Digging deep to find nature's voice for it brings such inspiration and power.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aishashadow
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 8:48pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
