Beautiful my friend. This is good. Emotions you have expressed are tangible. Fighting a never ending battle between giving in to hardships and letting your emotions turn dark or instead fighting it.
I loved it more when I read the last stanzas
"If you're not careful insanity will bind,
You in shackles and chains, not remembering your name,
Or worse.....From whence you came.
The struggle is not over, it's only just began.
I journey alone because there's no such thing as a friend.
At least that's how it seems to be.
The weight of the world is what I carry around with me,
But it's o'kay, I still smile.
Try to go that extra mile.
I learned you have to be hard in these streets.
Never accepting defeat,"
Yet.. however I believe that there might be some points to improve. Minor one.. please don't mind me ok?
I find that i catch and get stuck in few verses where the first one is having too many or too less syllables than it's following pair.
example
"Simple questions like what's going on? What should I do?
Where are you?"
and
"If they will.
Anger built up inside got me wanting to kill,"
maybe i am wrong but think about it a little k?
:)
plus how about editing verses such as"In body because it show ain;t in mind."
plus in the verse "As da seasons change so I." how about if it was written as "As the seasons change so do I." very minor changes but when you read it out loud you might feel the differences.
So what do you think about these points? Let me know if there is something i need to correct in this too...alright?
Let me know ok? plus how about if you rate and review one of mine? I would love and appreciate to have constructive feedback too.
take care
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ainshu
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 7:34am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
