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Review by Aightball Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Wow. That's a powerful story!

I like how you put the thoughts down and it's easy to see Natalie and her family as they struggle through this. I think you've got a great story going here!

The only suggestion I have is working the dialogue. This is a hard thing to do, because it's so personal to the character. But it some places, it seems awkward to me, almost like I"m tripping over the words.

This is one place that I would change a little: " Oh Bill! I don’t think she is going to make it to remission!” Natalie’s mother cried,". I like the emotion conveyed, but I would take out the first part. Perhaps replace that with something like: Natalies mother looked to her husband, stood, and sank into his arms. "I don't think she is going to make it to remission!" she cried.

Good luck with this! It's a great story and very powerful!!
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