This is a useful piece for both beginning and experienced writers. I think many of us (including me!) will benefit from the word exercise. You've also done a nice job with the layout--it's clear and easy to understand.
Here are a couple of suggestions you may want to consider:
Writers also need to avoid using cliches Consider blending this in with the rest of the piece by saying something like, Choosing appropriate words also includes avoiding cliches...
One thing you may want to consider adding is an additional caution about thesaurus use. Some writers seem to choose a word from the thesaurus just because it has lots of syllables. Writers should make sure that the word they choose doesn't leave the reader scratching their head.
Good job (maybe I should exclaim, "First-rate job")! Thanks for sharing it with us.
Thanks for sharing your work. Here are a few suggestions you may want to consider:
The first few paragraphs seem jumpy. You have a lot of good points, but there are no transitions between them. Consider adding transitions so one thought flows into the next.
She had been mine. Is D thinking this or does the storyteller assume that D is thinking this? If it's D, consider putting the thoughts in italics.
like treats to a pet Consider adding a verb to this phrase to make it parallel to the 1st part of sentence.
"I'm not sorry... From this point, I didn't understand what was happening. It wasn't clear what the non-apology was for or what purpose it served in the story. It also wasn't immediately clear (to me, anyway) who was thinking about the auburn-haired girl--I was confused until the following paragraph.
You've got some compelling emotional observations about sibling relationships, and I think many people will relate to your storyteller. The visuals you present (copy of a..., batteries, etc...) are very effective--good work!
Very funny! What a wonderfully warped little world! Your descriptions are excellent and made it easy for me to see (and smell) the Lion’s world in my mind. The mouse bit was my favorite part—laugh-out-loud funny. Good work.
I do have some suggestions you may want to consider:
Consider reworking some of the redundant language. For example, Her harping shrill voice echoed… is okay, but think about condensing it to something like, Her voice echoed like a tinny snare drum in his head. There are several other spots like this that could be cleaned up.
How about a zebra for the referee? It might not make sense for a prey animal to ref a fight, but it’s a good visual.
Consider changing Gopher, Gopher, get... to Gopher! Gopher! Get...
All of a sudden, the story briefly goes into first person- and I don’t even want…. The switch seems out of place—is it supposed to be part of Lion's inner-monologue?
”She kicked him out?” Is the lion speaking? If so, did you mean kicked me out?
It was the most humiliating fight…, consider changing humiliating to one-sided.
Although I have no plans to try gopher anytime soon, I’m glad I had the chance to visit Lion's world. Keep working on it!
Thanks for sharing your work with us! Here are some suggestions you may want to consider:
"reek havoc" Did you mean "wreak havoc"?
Hypenate compound adjectives before nouns: long-limbed, lolling-tongued, etc...
"lopes at top speed...streaks right past" I always think of "lope" as an easy trot, and don't associate it with "top speed." You may want to consider another word.
In my opinion, the aspect of this piece that needs the most work is the language. You have a humorous viewpoint, but sometimes it gets bogged down in the words. An example: "As frustrating as it is that she doesn't come when called, it can be..." is okay, but try something like "Her selective hearing is frustrating, but..." It may be helpful to read the entire piece aloud--you will be able to identify the awkward spots.
Your observations are very funny (and I needed a smile today!) Good job! I enjoyed reviewing this and look forward to seeing more work from you.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. Here are a few suggestions you may want to consider:
"…that borne them."
I’m not crazy about this phrase—it just sounds out of place to me. You may want to play around with it.
"A man who would have (and had) taken a bullet…"
Again, you may want to play with the words. Consider, “This was a man who actually had taken a bullet…”
"After three shots had blown the silence out of the peaceful area…"
I found this sentence slightly awkward. Consider rewording it.
I also had some trouble with the description of Steve near the end of the work. Were the legs like rabbit legs? T-rex legs? You may want to consider a little more detail here.
Overall, I think that playing with the language will improve the storytelling. Consider word choice carefully. For example, words like loom and tower would work well with the description of Steve at the end of the story. Also, consider strong words like ‘staining’ or ‘gushing,’ in place of ‘running down.’ Etc...
The description of Jack’s size vs. his personality in the beginning of the story is well done. I also liked the cartoon analogy—I got a very clear picture of what Jack was seeing. Thanks for posting your work! I’m curious to find out who (or what) Steve really is.
I really enjoyed Interpreting the Bible--creative and funny!
I have some suggestions you may want to consider.
1) Pick out the strongest, funniest stories and cut everything else out. By culling the weaker stories, the whole piece becomes more solid. Personally, I loved The Burning Bush, Location of the Ark, Wisdom of Solomon, Water into Wine, Soldier Guarding Tomb and Armageddon.
2) Edit some of the remaining stories for length, again, leaving only the strongest material. For example, Armageddon is very funny, but, being a child of video-games and cartoons, I have a short attention span. This part may have more impact and become more reader friendly if it were shorter. (At its current length, Armageddon may work well as a seperate piece.)
Thanks so much for sharing this work, I really enjoyed it! You also gave me the solution to something that's always puzzled me--why 8 American presidents have not been able to get rid of a guy less than 100 miles off our own coast.
Good Work!
AGower
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Good job (maybe I should exclaim, "First-rate job")! Thanks for sharing it with us.