I really like this poem! And the layout and word usage is very creative and clever. I loved the way you had a subtle rhythm to the words and also the interesting messages you communicated. My favorite part of this was:
live: so weary
don't: too weary
live: eyes teary
don't: eyes teary
and
live: false hope
don't: false hope
live: find real hope...
I thought that these lines (among all the others too) really had some interesting messages behind them. You have some real talent with poetry. Keep up the good work :) and write on!
-Gwyn
I absolutely love this! You have perfectly captured such a painful experience that I have written about myself, and you have done a great job of making the emotions feel very real. I love the use of rhyme that you used and how it wasn't too distracting but it added a very Spoken Word like feel to it. you obviously have a real talent for poetry, so keep up the good work and write on!
-Gwyn
I really liked this quite a bit! I felt like the feelings you communicated were so human and real. I have felt those things myself and the way you described them has put words to a mix of emotions.
The part that I liked:
"She cannot stand me at times when I am on a roll of sheer egotism
Who can blame her? I am intolerable when the mood strikes me
I get out of hand, become destructive to her and those who love me"
I feel like this really captures a common battle that even I have gone through. I like how you have really thought about the reason behind the conflict and not just stating the fact that they occur.
"There is that word again ... self, it's such a poison to me, also to those around me
My mind is certainly a paradox, in reality it is an emotional ghetto, a feeling wasteland"
I love the way you describe this state of egoism as another world, as if you become someone else. This was deep and poetic while still making sense.
All in all, I think your writing is great and you have a wonderful way with words. Keep up the good work and write on!
-Gwyn
I like this quite a bit! Your usage of adjectives is intriguing. Also, I like the way you talk about light. Your writing style is very descriptive. If I had one suggestion it would be to be careful with your adjectives. I have a similar style as you. I like to be very vivid and descriptive, but sometimes the adjective placement can feel kinda repetitive. For example, though I like these descriptions a lot, look for the pattern: yoking stress, burning sun, dark black home, temporary blindness, watchful eye, young soul, golden land. So, just look out for this pattern, because even though it is very beautiful at times, it can grow to be repetitive.
Other than this, your writing is very vivid and interesting. Keep up the good work!
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