I must say first that when I saw the great big block of text I was put off, and I hate to think how many reviews you missed out on because of that. That said, when I started reading I could not stop.
The emotion in this story is breath-taking, and written from a teenagers perception worked wonderfully with the teenagers colloquials (whether intentional or not). I would love to see the tangents of the side-thoughts to be explored further, such as the carpet that suddenly seemed so important, if nothing else but to really put the text inside the authors head.
I really enjoyed how you made me feel present in the moment, yet you were not really there yourself, concentrating more on your own thoughts than the actual goings-on.
With a bit of grammatical editing I believe this piece could be outstanding.
Keep up the good work, and please, if this gets edited let me know, I would love to review it again.
Flowed very well. I'm sensing you had problems with "The Heart, the Mind,
and Emotion thereof…"
I suggest you count the syllables. Tried to come up withe a helpful line but drew a blank lol.
theres a good line in it, being a city kid myself and moving to the country. That said, I think you should read up on some styles of poetry all to do with syllables and lines and shizz.
See which one you feel comfortable with and keep on working.
Extremely well written and an intriguing story line. Slight problem though, half way through you write... '
An icy chill shot through him as he quickly pushed himself up in the chair. “Emily…she’s dead - ' then you continue as if she never died.
Please reply and explain, as I was confused, yet still happy with the end result. Well done!!
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