Really interesting topic!
I only have a few recommendations:
In the first paragraph, I would change the " I find unable to control myself to comment" to something shorter like " I am compelled to comment" or " I must comment". This will make it easier to understand.The rest of the essay only needs work on connecting some of the sentences with conjunctions. Most importantly, keep your main topic in mind when writing each paragraph. I was really interested in reading what you had to say, but there were times when the essay was hard to follow.
Overall, you gave some great advice on how to be your true self in today's materialistic world.
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