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Review of Gaia  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Geoff.
The following is my review for your piece "Gaia".

I liked the title to begin with. It is a greek word and it means 'earth', as I am sure you know *Smile*. It kind of made me expect a more "descriptive" piece, and not such an emotional one, if you understand what I mean.
It is not an easy piece to read. You have to really be concentrated while you read it, in order to fully understand it. It seemed to me more "spiritual" than emotional, in the sense that the love and awe you feel as part of the 'Gaia' is evident throughout the whole piece. It feels the same way as paying respects to a higher power, whatever it may be.
The images are painted with vivid colors, especially the scene with the "dive" in the grass. I found some words that seem too repetitive in the same paragraphs and in consecutive sentences, such as
'My walk has become the journey of a lifetime. Perhaps every journey should be the journey of a lifetime. Isn't every lifetime a journey? ' and
' I should return home. But what is home but a word which I can write on this page? No, home is much more than a word. Has anyone yet found the words for home?'.
I don't know what you have in mind about expanding this piece. But seeing how clear you make the feelings you have for nature, I would say go for it.

Be well,
Susan
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Review of Big Brother  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Hello, again. This time I found this piece, because it belongs to a contest that I like too much, the "picture a story". As soon as I saw the picture I remembered that I had taken part in that round with the picture of this little girl. So, I was curious to see what you had come up with for this contest.

Once again I liked what I read. You seem to have a preference to sad stories, and I do so myself. As I have said to someone who asked me, I think everyone can relate to a sad story.

This is a sad but sweet story. A small child, fighting with cancer, but being so brave as to concern himself with his not-yet-born sister and whether or not his mom will talk to her about him.

You did a great job describing Jacob through several lines, even if you didn't lay the description flat out. I feel it is better the way you wrote it, because you used some pretty powerful lines. The most heart-breaking line to me was the next. "Stephanie reached for her son's hand, a hand that was marked and bruised by the numerous IVs that had brutalized his little six year old vessels." It indicated that the child was seriously ill and was probably not survive through the whole story.

You ended the piece with a bittersweet image. A family that consists of three members says goodbye to the fourth one, keeping him in their hearts and memories.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Mistress  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Hi, Wordwarrior.

After reading your previous poem, I decided to raid your port. So, I came across this second poem of yours. Usually I don't review poems, because mainly I don't like reading them. But your writing is very clear, it does not feel like a typical poem, so it makes it easier for me to read your pieces.

So, another good piece from you. The title drew me in right away, revealing the exact nature of the poem. As soon as I started reading it, it became clear from the first lines that it was written from the point of view of a mistress and not just talking about her.

One of my favorite books, is "marrying the mistress" by Joanna Trollope. It deals with the same theme you wrote about, but since it is a novel it takes a different direction. Still, your poem made me think of this book, because it states so very clearly the psychological state of a woman who becomes someone's mistress.

"Mistress" is a word that generally has a negative meaning. The way you made her speak through your poem, is what makes us sympathise with her. We get to hear her point of view. She does not necessarily engage in a relationship with a married man just because she wants to destroy a couple. On the contrary, she is usually led to believe that there is no love between the couple and she somehow is the man's "savior". It may not always be true, but since she is a woman in love, she will be willing to accept anything that justifies her behavior.

Unfortunately, as much as we sympathise with her feelings and thoughts, and as much as we understand that it most probably is the man's fault, the sad reality is that the woman who plays the role of the mistress, is destined to be alone. Most of the times, men don't break their families. Out of fear, selfishness or whatever other reason. But the bottom line is that the mistress is always left waiting and hoping, believing and being misled, not realizing that nothing is going to change.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of NYC  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



Hi, Rachel.

Guess what. I couldn't resist reviewing once again one of your stories. So, I snooped around some more in your port and I found NYC. Since it is one of my big dreams to come to NYC, though it will never happen, I thought I would get a glimpse of it through your eyes. So, imagine my surprise when I realized it was not a general description of the city, but rather one - pretty personal, I imagine- experience of yours, your wedding day.

I don't know if it is a completely real description or a somewhat embellished memory, but it is beautiful nonetheless. The description of the park, along with the noises and the traffic in the city is very realistic but you make it seem romantic, because you connect it with the song "what a beautiful world" and of course with your feelings for your husband. So, this is what makes the description and the memory all the more beautiful.

I hope this was a real experience for you, or even if it wasn't exactly like that, I hope you remember your wedding day with feelings similar to the song 'what a beautiful world."

I am sure I will be back to your port again, soon. Keep writing and be well.
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Review of Gone  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)


Hello, r32312.

I found your blurb in "hook to book" contest and I got drawn in by the title.
While reading "gone", I immediately thought about many ideas that could connect with this word. Your idea is very intriguing, because it can lead to a book that deals with many subjects at the same time.

The first line is a real hook. A worried parent who is reporting a missing child. My first reaction, almost involuntary, was that it was a teenager who had left home. Then came the revelation, about the baby, 18-months old. So, there was a change in my thoughts, realizing that something more sinister had happened.

The following lines were all full of surprises. Each one was a new hint to add to the suspense. The parents who were supposedly neglecting the child, a child with special needs, and finally two names that- to me- sounded both males. If this is true, you are leaving many subjects open, on which you can elaborate and give a greatly "complicated" book.

And finally, the cop. Leaves many questions asked, why and how he doesn't give up, what he finds during his investigations and many more levels I guess.

I hope you get through all the rounds. It is a very interesting summary and I am curious to find out more about it. Good luck with the contest.
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Review of Beast of Chicago  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


Hi, Shannon.
Congratulations on winning second place in "What a character" contest with this piece.

I have to say that when I started reading it I thought it was purely fictional. When I reached the end and saw your note, I realized the events were true and with some googling I learned about the true story behind the character.

I had never heard or read anything about this person, so I was shocked and scared by what I read. Reading about him in your piece was bothering, I would much rather he weren't a real person and it were just your imagination. But finding out that everything you wrote was true was even more disturbing.

However stressful it was to read it, you managed to make a brilliant piece out of it. You gave out the information in a diary-like monologue, the words flowed really well and before I knew it I had read it all. It was hard to put it down, because of the small details- referring to his thoughts and how he justified himself- you wrote.

His thoughts about humans, how cruel and how indifferent he seemed, and even how disconnected from any feelings of compassion or remorse he was, is what makes your story so different from wikipedia. Although I learned pretty much the same information from both these places, your story is what stays for giving a kind of insight to his mind.

The thing that frightened me the most, were the three final lines. It is scary to think that a child that is being born can already have the seed of evil inside. He was sure of it, though, as it appears.

Keep writing.
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Review of My Sister Gayle  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



Hi, Choconut.
Another great story, that was actually the first one that I had read before deciding to raid your portfolio.
At first I thought it was your personal experience, I hope it was not. By now, I think that writing in first person is preferable (I write this way, too, lately), and makes the story much more emotional and engages the reader far inside the story.
The whole story is a great example for young kids, like teens, to read. To make them understand that what matters in life, one of the most crucial things, is to try to live our lives to the fullest, to do what makes us happy, and to try and have a fulfilling life that does not depend solely on money, social recognition or acceptance. There are things that matter more that those, such as our serenity, our happiness, the way our hearts want to lead us on.
It is also a good read for parents, as well. A guide to let us know that we can't compare our children to each other (though it is a mistake we often make), we cannot make them live by our own standards but by theirs.
Sad story, sad outcome, but a very educational one. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Susan
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Review of The Lie  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hi, Choconut.
Now this is the kind of story I like to read. Dysfunctional families, couples that reach the end of their road, love stories that end up miserably. You managed to have this kind, too. You are clearly multi-dimensional and very creative in your stories. You don't have a certain pattern that you follow, in the sense that it is not just one kind of story that you write. Many genres, many different layouts, but also very interesting and intriguing. You have a unique way of writing, though it seems plain and simple, it has hidden levels and small words that embelish your stories.
This one is the story of a lie that was used to keep an unwilling husband in his marriage. We can see clearly that this is not a working way, but I am sure some women would use anything to sustain their pink bubble about their marriages. The interesting part is that this woman does this on purpose and uses the worst possible lie, about health. It seems to harm her, momentarily, but in the end, the twist is that her husband gets killed. I have to say that I didn't particularly enjoy this ending, I would have preferred Greg living. Lying about an affair is not as bad as lying about your dying. Besides, it wasn't exactly a happy couple, so some things are justified.
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Susan
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Review of Deception  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, Pamela.
This is a review for "Deception".


*Dropb* I liked the title and the brief description under it. It prepares you for a game where someone betrays somebody else, so I was curious to find out what exactly this is all about. You started off with a small description of the prison; I liked how you wrote about the sounds as well as the visual impression (orange jumpsuit, security screen). It was a good way to set up the settings in order to start building tension.


*Dropg* At first, what I thought was a bit strange were Kate's words. She states clearly that she wants a hitman but she gives a very weak reason for this. The reasons (he's out, he's tired, etc) don't seem enough to want someone killed. You mention money, but I think it is subsequent to the fact that he is going to get killed. Maybe you could add some more serious reasons that she wants him exterminated.


*Dropy* The sequence in which the plan is fixed and Kate follows it is very well written. You describe her thoughts and the heightening of all her senses. I also enjoyed the first scenes in the pub. The resolving of the climax is seen right after her meeting with Alex. Though it is given in detail (her reactions while she realizes who the hitman is, her tries to avoid answering his questions), it left me a bit confused. Alex must have known who he was supposed to meet, but Kate didn't know. So, was he just "fishing"? Trying to get her to admit whom she wanted killed? Was he going to kill her? I think this is what is deducted from the story, but I don't get why. Also, did her father betray her or just Alex? The final question; why is it under Gay/lesbian genre? Maybe I missed something.

All in all the story is nice and could even be turned into a bigger story. Keep writing.
10
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Review of Blood Weight  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, Laura.
This is a review for "Blood weight"


*Dropb* I found your piece in "Read a newbie". The title wasn't very clear but the small description underneath implied that there was more than it suggested. So, curious as I am, I jumped right in. The first reading went down smoothly. Interesting story and a character who knows pretty well the before and after of major weight loss. Her thoughts were very realistic and accurate, as well as the way that other people treated her. The "racism" against people who are different is very obvious in your story and well presented.


*Dropg* I liked the details in which you portrayed your character in her "new" body. The patting of muscles, the touching of toes, are all thoughts that an obese person often makes and dreams they could come true. What was even more interesting was the comparison between before and after, which you did brilliantly and in great detail.


*Dropy* When I read the ending I was a bit confused. I understood the general concept, but not exactly. Was it a blood-diet she did? Or did she turn into a vampire? This was not very clear for me. Maybe you could explain?


What I liked the most, was the second reading I gave it. After having read about the blood- diet, I discovered all the subtle, yet so on-the spot hints about red that are spread all over the piece. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of The Storyteller  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, Ben.
This is a review for "The storyteller".


*Dropb* If you really wrote it in only five minutes, it is a brilliant job. I would guess it would take more time than this to come up with these sentences to describe what you did (unless you had it already planned out in your mind.)


*Dropg* I found your description exceptional. I would never think of describing talking like drinking soda. I liked very much the way you laid it out, words like bubbles is so accurate, actually, especially for someone who talks too much. As I was reading it, I could actually picture the drink and the bubbles inside the mouth. I could "see" him shaking the can and how the words would explode. Beautiful description, I loved it. What I also liked was the secret thoughts the boy had. It is truly a gift, the storytelling, we all can see it through the eyes of our children who stay mesmerized every time they hear a story, whether it is great or not, because it feeds their (and our) imagination.


*Dropy* While the first paragraph is written on a serious note and gives us a great description (or introduction), it was the first line of the second paragraph that came out of nowhere and made me laugh out loud. The last sentences justify the comedy genre, and the comments inside brackets made me think of a boy in junior high. Funny and cute at the same time.


Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Ronnie and Larry  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, DJF.
This is a review for "Ronnie and Larry"


*Dropb* One more item of yours that I wanted to read. You have a strange kind of humor, which sometimes seems absurd and some others is just hilarious.


*Dropg* As soon as I read this story's title, I don't know why but it reminded me of "brokeback mountain." Maybe it crossed your mind, too. The first line confused me, is 1867 right? Unless there is some hidden meaning that I didn't get. The next scene is quite funny, though absolutely absurd, Larry running around naked. (At this point it just reminded me of "dumb and dumber"). The following dialogue is again a bit all over the place (not from your part, but from the character's part). Is he kidding or is he just trying to mess with Ronnie's head?


*Dropy* The whole story is quite good and funny. But I can't say I see any real friendship and connection, much less a best friend between these two. But then again, friendship between men is different that women, right? Or so they say.


Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Lights Out  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, Pamela.
This is a review for "Lights out".


*Dropb* Wow, it is a dark piece you wrote! But it is the third story of yours I am reading, so I must get used to being surprised by you. You managed to write one more gripping story, with enough information underneath the title to make it even more interesting. It is the story of a doctor who decides to play angel of mercy, or rather, to play avenger, not out of pity but out of frustration.


*Dropg* The doctor, at first, comes out as a considerate, hard working person who tries as best as he can to take care of his patients. A man who can put things into their right proportions, understand where he is needed and where he is not. So, this righteous man gets upset when he feels used and turns into a killer for those of his patients that seem or are hypochondriacs. He feels good about it, too, with no regrets.


*Dropy* His transformation happens when he cannot help a favorite patient of his, realizing that the whole "helping" experience is in vain. Of course, there is the danger of making this kind of behavior seem justified, right or normal, which it isn't.And not many doctors, if any, would think to act in a way like this. But, hey, this is fiction and well-written. So,


Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Stargazing  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, Nanu.
This is a review for "Stargazing"


*Dropb* Nice little title, very poetic, very dreamy. The whole poem, though small, reminded me of the words of a lover towards another, and not so much the words of a friend. But I understand it can be about friends, too, as you say in your brief description.


*Dropg* I like the pictures you paint with your words. Having read your other poems as well, you seem to be enchanted by the sky and its numerous elements (clouds, stars, color). You have a way with words, especially romantic ones about stars and it is a pretty strong advantage for a writer or a poet.


*Dropy* You are able to make the reader "see" and "feel' what you write. Congratulations.


Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. Keep writing.
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Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)





*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




*RainbowL* Hello,DJF . I found your piece "The man of her dreams" in "Read a newbie". I would like to leave you some comments, which are not professional, just my personal opinion. Feel free to ignore anything you don't find useful. Here is,

Review of "The man of her dreams"




*DropV* Impressions I chose your piece as one to come back to, for when I had more time. The time has come for me to read it and I am so glad I chose it! This little story, written as a diary entry, is so sweet and innocent, and reminds me of a previous time when our minds really worked this way and we had hopes and dreams like this guy did.


*DropR* CharactersI expected it to be a woman talking. Instead, I got a man, a young student, who is imagining how it would be if his loved one chose him, too. He is being described through her eyes and in his mind, which is kind of brilliant, although it may seem complicated. I liked the fact that he describes all the virtues that he wishes he has (or maybe even has) and he imagines the impact he will have not only on the girl but on her whole family.


*DropY* Development He takes it step by step. First what she sees, then what she hears, in the end what they will say and do. The description at her house is really enjoyable, the verbal "ping-pong", (I'll say- they'll say" is both interesting and funny as well.


*DropG* NotesThe one thing I have to comment on is that when I read the title I expected to see a piece from the point of view of a woman describing how the man of her dreams would be. The idea of having a man imagining he IS the man of a woman's dreams, I think is much cleverer and out of the box. It made the piece so much different from what I expected, not so much in terms of context, but as a whole concept.


*DropP* Favorite linesI laughed a lot with the sentence in the first paragraph that describes the logo on the t-shirt. So many things to deduct from such a small word! Pretty funny!

Thank you for sharing. Best wishes, *RainbowR*


*Beach* Susan
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Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



*RainbowL* Hello, R. Michael. I would like to leave you some comments, which are not professional, just my personal opinion. Feel free to ignore anything you don't find useful. Here is,

Review of "The determined wife"




*DropV* Impressions What drew me in from the beginning was the title. It kind of reminded me "the stepford wives", and I expected something similar. Or something about a woman determined to do what her husband told her, in an ominous kind of way. Then I noticed the size, which was too small, so I thought it was comedy. Although I had to reach the ending to confirm it was comedy, indeed. It is a brilliant little story.


*DropR* Characters- settings You start off pretty strongly, stating immediately what Karen is trying to do, and how much she has not paid any attention to her husband. Just the"wah wah wah" part made me realize that it starts to become humorous. So, I went on. Karen looks like your typical young wife who decides to prove her husband wrong. She seems truly determined, so your title is completely justified. As for the settings, it is clearly stated that she stands in her driveway, and it is enough for the story to continue.


*DropY* Development You started by saying first what was on Karen's mind, how she didn't pay attention to her husband, but she was determined to make it through anyway. Then, there came the real confrontation with the battery itself. How to change the battery with no instructions. And the conclusion, which I didn't see coming, was so funny and clever.


*DropG* NotesIt is a very clever little story and I enjoyed it greatly. One small mistake, though, "yer battery", I guess it is "the battery" or "your battery". You might want to fix that, because it stops the flow in a very pivotal moment.


*DropP* Favorite lines "Of course, he could’ve handed her a brick covered in plastic and she wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference." I found it hilarious, it reminded me of myself.*Blush*
And of course, the nonchalant and manipulating last sentence, which was the cleverest line I read in quite some time.

Thank you for sharing. Best wishes, *RainbowR*


*Beach* Susan
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Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello, Mage.
This is a review for "The day you were born"


*Dropb* Loving, sensitive, beautiful, magical, heart-warming. That is all I can say about your poem. It describes beautifully the emotions that are brought to the life and soul of a woman when she becomes a mother. I would go even farther and say that it applies to all the people who become parents, in whichever way, because the beauty of finally being a parent is undescribable and universal.

*Dropg* "On the day you were born
I believed in magic
Of purple ponies and secret unicorns and funny pirates"
This was my favorite picture *Smile*. Once the kids grow a bit older, their whole world starts revolving around ponnies and pirates and colors. So it's good if a mom starts believing in magic long before they do.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of 2 Minutes to Live  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello, Jess.
This is a review for "2 minutes to live"


*Dropb* Hi, it's me again. I don't seem to be able to stop reviewing items in your port. It is fascinating. *Smile*


*Dropg* It is another impressive short story, that unfortunately ends again with a sharp knife. Having read all of your stories so far, I understand it makes a big impact, but maybe try some other weapon? Just for a change. But of course this is just my suggestion, not something you definitely have to do. *Smile*

*Dropy* The first time I read it, I found a bit peculiar the fact that no capital letters were seen anywhere in the story. Not even the "I"s. When I reread it, I understood that the lack of capitals is just adding to the whole breathlessness thing that seeps from the piece, and it makes it seem more haste and quiet. I don't know if this is what you were aiming for. The same goes for the short sentences that sometimes lack verbs. It works pretty well, the reader probably ends up panting, too, the same as your character.


Once again, great job.Keep writing.
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Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hello, Jess.
This is a review for "The girl through the glass"


*Dropb*
You have a natural talent in writing. Without me being a professional in any aspect of the writing world, I can see clearly that you write exceptional short stories, especially for a seventeen year old. I am glad to have found your port. I enjoy all of your stories.


*Dropg*
With that being said, I want to start by saying what a great difference the change of just one word can make. If you had written "through the mirror" in your title, the piece would have lost about half its impact. With just the word "glass", you leave no room for the reader to make the connection, so the surprise and twist in the end come full force.


*Dropy*
Most of your pieces are dark. You do pretty well in this genre. Especially this short story has an air of despair and surrender. Good job.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Wedding Day  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello, A.E. Haas
This is a review for "Wedding day"


*PenV*
I like how you manage to show so many emotions with so few and clear words. The title drew me in because I am always curious to read what other people write about weddings. It is amazing from how many points of view someone can see this event. So, I was interested to see what you had to say about it.


*PenG*
Even though I am not a big fan of poetry, I was impressed by your poem. It seems very clear, very detailed and also manages to intertwine feelings and description as well. I like the fact that you jump from describing the day, then the surroundings, the noises and voices that are heard and finally the emotions.


*PenR*
The whole poem captures the essence of a wedding, but in the final stanza it focuses on the meaning of marriage. I found it brilliant.


Thank you for sharing.Keep writing.
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Review of Age  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello, Cyndi.
This is a review for "Age"
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


*PenV* Thoughts
How beautiful was this poem. Reading it gave out an air of serenity and peace, strangely so, because it essentially talks about dying. But dying on their own terms is what any human would want, I believe.


*PenG* Notes
In the first half of the poem we get to see the description of an aged woman who has come to accept aging, seeing it for exactly what it is.
In the second half, we see how she wishes to leave this life. In her own bed, with her favorite objects surrounding her, peacefully and easily. I missed having the mention of people around her while dying, but that is just my view of things.



Keep writing.
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Review of Wanting to fit in  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, Raneyuu
This is a review for "Wanting to fit in"
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


*PenV* Thoughts
What made me curious to read your piece in the first place was the title. I wanted to see what "wanting to fit in" would be about, because it really is something we all have been through, usually in our teen years. So, I was very surprised to see that it was not about teenage stuff, but about adult behavior, addressing several controversial subjects.


*PenG* Notes
I really, really liked your piece. You write about society's standards as far as appearance, skin color, relationships and sexuality go. You display the arguments in favor and against all aspects in a very clever way. And you manage to dig in deep, not just scraping the surface of these subjects. Good job.
Just a small note. It worked pretty well as poetry, but it would be interesting to see if it could be turned into a short story.


*PenR* Favorite part
"It is better to be in an abusive STRAIGHT relationship,
Rather than in a loving but non-straight companionship." To me, this was the most powerful line. You captured the meaning too well.



Keep writing.
23
23
Review of Near Miss  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, A.E. Neal
This is a review for "Near Miss"
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


*PenV* Thoughts
I started reading the story thinking it was a description of a road accident. No, it wasn't. Then, I thought it was a near-death experience. No, it wasn't. Then, I waited for the narrator to wake in an ICU bed. Guess what, he didn't. I didn't know what it was about up until the final line. Great twist.


*PenG*Notes
I loved this short story. It started with a brilliant description of driving through an icy road, just shy of colliding with a semi trailer. I could see the cars, the snowflakes, the brakes, and I could feel the sliding of the car. I have found myself feeling a grip around my chest when driving at night, with rain. So, it was extremely real.
Then came the beeping. Call it professional habit, but I thought we were inside an intensive care. The monitors beeping just before producing a flat line. Too scary? Yeah, that's what I felt when I was reading it.
And then came the alarm. Its hateful sound that in this case was somewhat of a redemption. I was so glad it was just a dream.


*PenR* Favorite part
"The world around me spun like an amusement park tea cup." It was a simile I had never thought of.


Keep writing.
24
24
Review of Poison  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, Jess.
This is a review for "Poison"
from "The newbie welcome wagon"

*PenV* Thoughts
You did a great job with this powerful story, describing the same scene from three different points of view. While you talk about the same situation, essentially, you made clear the different aspects of it.


*PenG* Note
I liked how you made clear what each of the characters was seeing, thinking and feeling, while each one assumed what the other one felt, through the expression of the face and the body language.


*PenR*
I think that your work pretty much sums up how different POVs should be handled. Great job. Would you consider expanding this short story so we could learn more about it? Just a thought.


Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.

Susan
25
25
Review of Dear Younger Self  Open in new Window.
Review by abbyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*




Hello, A E Haas
This is a review for "Dear younger self".
from "The Newbie welcome wagon"

*PenV* Thoughts
What a great idea you used in your little story! To write a letter to your younger self. Knowing what has happened in your life down the line and reassuring a much more fragile and uncertain self that everything- or most- will work out eventually.

*PenG* Notes
I just wish it could be real. That if I live many more years, and well, my older self would come to reassure me that things would be fine. OF course, if it isn't the case, I am not sure I would want to know. But that is a whole other story.


*PenR* Favorite part
I liked how you concentrated on the really important stuff, like your soul-mate, the creation of a family, the "don't have time for drama" line- which is totally true. It sounds like a letter many of us would like to receive at some point in our lives.


Thank you for sharing.Keep writing.

Susan
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