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| Letter from a Mad Mans Prison, -FEAR- I believe there are some legitimate fears in life. The Universal principal of fear is Losing to Control or atleast that is my prospective. I have noticed the majority of sadness comes from losing control. For example: Losing control over some Physical aspect like motor skills or even attractiveness. Another is losing emotional control, especially in a relationship. When we hate or love to our own peril. My fear is to lose control mentally. A taboo subject but a subject that should be addressed. Half the American population has mental health issues. Some greater than others. -SANITY- B/C I am a prisoner doing life for selling a certain type of drugs I never sold I am challenged by keeping my mental facilities daily. Forced into a perilous situation around ppl I do not understand accept and most of the time do not like. While at the same time I identify w/their struggle and hardships so profoundly we are bonded. It is like walking around w/an invisible ball and chain. That you love and hate simultaneously. The first time I had a visit and was told to strip down naked and let some man peer up my ass, was so humiliating I was almost tempted to tell my loving family never to come back. But I knew that would hurt them tremendously so I endure this humiliation, now w/open arms. Once inside the visiting hall I am shouted at and openly humiliated by the Officers and ordered to follow a certain amount of rules that change fluidly at the frustration of my love ones. Moreover, the humiliation my family feels from having to come see someone they love in prison is equally overbearing. So much so usually after I receive visits I can not sleep for at least 3 days. And I have been incarcerated since December 2001. |
| -LOSING CONTROL- Being in a level 7 United States Federal penitentiary comes w/much volatility. I am amongst the most violent and dangerous ppl that America has to offer. Where being forgiving and kind and compassionate are seemed as weakness that can bring about challenges that can bring about death. At the same time I am expected to STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. I am expected to disregard threats. Which come from everyone involved w/this prison experience. I am to maintain my sanity and not lose control. I can't image a household in America where some family member does not argue w/another. Sometimes fights break out. It is the make up of humans. However, in prison one argument articulated wrongly can cause something irreversible to take place. Moreover, the physical challenges are nothing compared to the emotional and mental challenges presented. Politics play like a violin in a cheap Italian restaurant. Constantly, mind numbing rhetoric premised on mind-sets and beliefs I dare not try to understand for fear of being abducted by them. Influenced by them. The prisoners play indulge in similar politics aswell. What do you do when you are to a point where you just need to yell but can not do so? Where do you go when there is nowhere to hide? What do you do to maintain sanity amongst insanity? This is a letter form a Mad Man's Prison. |
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