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 |   Tales from real life |
| Well, if they're not true, they oughta be! |
The Xbox flap may be dismissed as 'chicken little' cackling from the Faux News Network, but it begs the question of why an Australian billionaire is allowed to use the public airwaves to usher in the next zombie apocalypse? Why doesn't the FCC act to stop this nefarious plot by an avowed enemy of democracy? Is there, in fact, a deep state conspiracy so entrenched that it might well be described as down under? Every day, a nonstop barrage of Faux images and Faux tones are beamed into the homes of mentally challenged Americans. The insidious damage continues 24/7, slowly eroding empathy and gradually dulling reason until the victims are no longer able to form independent thoughts. The result is a mindless mob that can be directed to elect a fascist dictator or even to attack the Capitol of the United States of America. The technology behind this electronic attack is much the same as that used against American embassies to injure diplomatic personnel. High-pitched audio programming plays over the shrill yammering of the Faux news actors. Subliminal images are interlaced with their leering faces. The subversive commands infiltrate the subconscious mind and convert decent, patriotic citizens into unrecognizable monsters who serve an Aussie master. Message boards on the dark web have long named Rupert Murdoch as the prime mover in this horrific conspiracy. His spidery touch pulls the strings and ties the plot together. And his persona can be seen shining from the eyes of one Donald J. Trump. Has anyone ever seen a non-photoshopped picture of Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump together? Of course not! Trump is merely an ugly and offensive character played by Murdoch in the same way that Tony Clifton was played by Andy Kaufman. It's no coincidence that Murdoch stepped back from public view during the Trump administration. And we all know that his 'executive time' was spent on Faux business. The awful truth is that Trump is an inside joke perpetrated by America's worst enemy. Sexual harassment of cartoon characters and calling climate change a woke conspiracy are mere subterfuge. Nothing more than a Faux ploy to distract attention from a very real conspiracy to bring down America from within. So, let's turn off the Faux journalists who've traded their integrity for Australian dollars. Let's return to our values of truth, decency, and tolerance. It's time to expose the Murdoch conspiracy and stop his attack on American values! |
| Stooping ever lower . . . Greeting the Dawn by Earl E. Reiser Here I Come! by Freddy R. Knott The Final Chance by Philip D. Poole Famous Last Words by Thaddeus Auel Ffolkes Unbelievable Claims by Lou D. Crist First in Line by Jocelyn L. Bowes Terms & Conditions by Warren T. Card The Ultimate Challenge by Helen Highwater Coming Out Ahead by Annette Proffit Heros of the Confederacy by Leanne Jackson Facing Catastrophe Together by Ardis Astor Only Odd Breaks by Chita Zucker Dig Those Beefy Buns! by E. Tina Berger Rue and Regret by Ree Morse See also: "Below the Bottom Shelf"  See also: "Another Pile of Peculiar Books" |
I used to work with a quiet older guy named Gary who often sat in on our bull sessions. He laughed at the funny stories and commiserated with our tales of woe, but rarely contributed himself. One day, the topic was telemarketers. We all expressed our disgust with the broken-English scam calls that claim to come from Microsoft. "YOUR COMPUTER HAS A VIRUS!" Gary surprised us by chiming in, "I get rid of those guys pretty quick. I just use my most simple-minded voice and say, 'but I don't have a computer'. That stops 'em cold." We nodded in agreement, but Gary wasn't quite done. "Of course, it didn't work as well with the guy who wanted to sell me triple-pane vinyl windows. He swore at me and hung up when I told him, 'but my house doesn't have windows'." It was a funny bit and Gary demonstrated his simpleton voice to make it even funnier. But what really sold it was the unexpected source. Everybody expects a gag from the class clown. The straight man can take you by surprise. |
Intangible The pain of human being is the cost to be alive, but art that’s suffered gladly gives us reason to survive. Infinity of yearning compels an endless strive, that mortal inclination might transcend instinctive drive. |
This entry was inspired by a newsfeed post from Adherennium Plotting something  Basic Theory All written material begins in a ground state defined by comic scientists as 'not-funny'. A spark of creativity may add enough comic energy to elevate material to an initial quantum level of 'funny'. This process is not guaranteed, however, and insufficient creativity will cause the material to spontaneously fall back to the not-funny state. A further infusion of comic energy, known as 'delivery', is required to elevate material from the funny state to the higher quantum comedy states of 'joke', 'mirth' or 'hilarity'. The removal of comic energy is achieved by a process called 'poor delivery'. Poor delivery can cause material to fall back all the way from hilarity to not-funny. Superposition A more advanced concept concerns the duality of the unexamined joke. Comedy particles known as bits exist in an undetermined superposition of funny/not-funny until analyzed by an objecting audience. The act of measurement, however, drains the comic energy and collapses the joke to its original not-funny state. This is known as the principle of explanation. Quantum Tunneling Tunneling is perhaps the strangest concept of quantum comedy. An effect known as the 'non sequitur' can warp the laugh-time continuum and transport comedy bits directly to a state of hilarity along a vector known as the 'punch line'. No one really understands the mechanism of the non sequitur, and its end point seems to be wholly random. The path of a non sequitur is difficult to predict and often loops back to the not-funny state. Dark Matter And, of course, no discussion of quantum comedy would be complete without the dark material known as the 'pun'. Comic scientists estimate that as much as 90% of the comedy universe is made up of this dark material. Real comedy does not recognize or interact with the pun in any way. However, the influence of the pun on normal life can be inferred through the groan effect. from wackypedia . . . |
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