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 |   As the first blog entry got exhausted. My second book |
| Evolution of Love Part 2 |
I am a Westerner, a teacher, and have lived most of my life in the academic world either going to school or teaching at school. Words, and the intellectual processes involved in their use have always been very important to me. I studied, read hundreds of books, listened to hundreds of lectures, and took thousands of pages of notes, thinking that I must be getting closer and closer to Truth. But it seemed that the harder I pursued Truth the more elusive it became. In fact, the truth which I sought so desparately seemed always to recede and elude my grasp. Living became more and more meaningless. Everywhere I turned there was nothing to be found but emptiness and desolation. All social, economic, and even religious pursuits seemed utterly pointless. Nowhere could I find anything that made life seem worthwhile. The thought of years and years of going through meaningless activities filled me with horror and dread. I felt that I would rather die than continue such an existence. It was then that Ma came into my life. I saw Her pictures, listened to people speaking of Her, read about Her. Gradually the urge to go to India, to see Her, to ask Her for a way to go on living became so strong that it could no longer be ignored. Not counting the cost in any way, I went. It has been a year since my return to my own country. My life is much changed; not outwardly, but in the inward aspects, now every moment is full of meaning and there is much joy. It is about one of these changes that I should like to tell you. But you will have to bear with me, for words give me much difficulty. Having written scores of papers, now I find just this little article a great struggle. I should like to show you how my entire orientation toward knowledge and communication has been changed by Ma, how She broke through the barrier of words that I had erected between myself and true knowledge, and how She has gradually established with me a form of communication that is absolutely without words and beyond the need of words. Being a Westerner called to Ma's feet is most difficult. First there is the long and exhausting journey, then the strangeness of environment, the disorientation caused by a multitude of stimuli that cannot be properly interpreted. The list of difficulties is long and varied. But the thing that most upset and frustrated me was to be in Her presence, to hear Her voice, and still not to be able to understand a word. How I longed to understand Her language! And, God forgive me, how I envied those who could speak with Her directly, those who could laugh with Her and ask Her quest ions, those who could enter into that spontaneous verbal communication which seemed so free and so beautiful. Because of my great attachment to verbal communication, the seemingly unsurmountable barrier of language caused me great anguish. It was in Uttarkashi that the first intimation of another kind of communication came to me. It was rather late at night, the crowd was large although Ma had not come out, My body, unused as it was to the demands being placed upon it, was tired, cold, and not very well. The mind was bewildered, the emotions were isolated and forlorn, quite close to despair. Suddenly and without warning a new sensation descended upon me, so vivid and so all-encompassing that for a moment I could not understand. And then words came, words of reassurance and comfort and love. Just one little sentence which lifted me to a state of joy I had never known before. The internal experience was electric, vibrant, and transforming so completely joyful that I could have danced and sung, anything to express the wonderful feeling. Later, in Kanpur for Samyam Saptaha, during the daily hour of silence and meditation, when I was trying with most intense effort to do and be something that I had been told but did not understand, the second message came. It was in the form of a command, not to me, but to whatever it was in me that was causing such great tension. Again the feeling came before the words, a feeling of delightful release like a dip into cool water on an unbearably hot day. And then the words, a few simple words, followed by sweet, calm, cool peace. Being entirely without experience of such events, I might well have let them slip into forgetfulness, not recognising their significance. But this was not allowed to happen. The words and the feeling accompanying them returned repeatedly with such vividness and impact that they were not to be ignored. Gradually I began to realise that these experiences were messages from Ma delivered directly to the center of my being, that this was a form of communication new to me, and that it would be wise to pay close attention to it. How difficult it is to describe these experiences! There is such forcefulness and clarity, but it is utterly beyond words. The knowing is very strong, but it is not the mind that knows. The poor mind must fumble around for a while before it can build a verbal structure for the experience. Perhaps that is why the feeling always comes first, then the words. There were a number of similar experiences during that time, each with its peculiar vividness and pertinence, and each requiring time before the mind could build its verbal structure. Now I must try to describe an experience which was so far beyond words that failure is inevitable. It was in Kankhal a day or two before my departure. Ma was giving darshan on the upstairs porch. The mood was one of hushed stillness and reverence. I straightened from my pranama to find Ma looking directly into my eyes with a lovely, tender, little smile. Tears streamed down my face. Quite happily I could have remained in that moment forever, so immensely beautiful and joyous it was. That is all I can say about it, except that it seems now to be full of a significance which is utterly beyond my comprehension, and to live, most vivid and complete within my heart. About two months after my return from India the realisation came that I was hearing Ma's voice saying one word over and over again, and that I had been hearing that voice for quite some time but had chosen to ignore it. It was a word that I had heard directly from Her during an interview, one of the very few words that had been understood without the aid of an interpreter. It was an instruction which I had rejected and ignored. But Ma would not let me do that. Half around the world Her voice came, haunting me until I surrendered my will in the matter and accepted Hers. More recently, it seems that the messages from Ma come in mental pictures so vivid and in such detail and with an impact so intense that there is no way to confuse them with the ordinary mental activity. There is a special feeling about them that cannot be described, nor denied nor forgotten. Ma does not speak to me directly very often, but when She does there is no shadow of doubt that it is Ma speaking. It seems that She waits until the difficulties appear insurmountable and my own efforts entirely defeated, until I begin to doubt just a little, thinking, "Oh. She has forgotten me." Then She gives me at beautiful, powerful moment which lifts me over the difficulties and changes despair to incredible joy. Direct, internal messages form Ma are shattering in their intensity, astonishing in their transforming power. But She also has other less direct and much more subtle ways of communication, ways which can be easily ignored as coincidences until the coincidences mount up to incredible dimensions and then one must admit that the message is there. in the midst of the coincidence. For instance, one night during satsang in Kanpur, a friend happened to have brought her tape recorder, and happened to turn it on at a particular moment, and happened to get an excellent recording of Ma's response to a question (which, of course, I should not understand). Later that evening we happened to meet an Indian woman who invited us to visit her. In course of conversation this kind woman offered to translate the recording for us. She happened to be quite fluent in English. The words Ma spoke happened to be exactly what was needed to set my feet upon the path intended for me, although the realisation of the significance of Her words did not dawn on me until much later. To me, that series of "happened to" is just too over whelming to be passed over as a mere coincidence! Series of "coincidences" like this occur often enough to convince me that it could not be just happenstance. It is Ma delivering Her messages, guiding me. Sometimes Ma speaks to me through the voices of the people around me. Not too long ago my employer was greatly scolding me, while behind his words and unknown to him was Ma's voice, showing me exactly where I had been in the wrong. On another occasion the casual words of an acquaintance suddenly rang in my ears with the power and impact of Ma's voice. Four insignificant words, spoken on impulse, but they changed my life. They opened a door in my mind and showed me the way. I have no doubt whatsever that these are messages from Ma. Living is now a joyful experience for me. It is a joy that has grown from a tiny, tentative feeling into a powerful flood, almost too much to be contained in one human heart. Life is a joyous adventure. Just now, as I look back over these pages, I see the magnificent simplicity of Ma's gift to me. The question I took to Her in my heart was: "How can I go on living in this world"? Oh, just look at the answer She has given me! I bow at Her holy feet, in awe and humility, in thanks giving and deep reverence. Jai Ma, Om Ma. ------------------------------------------------ |
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Thanks for sharing.