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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| When I arrived in Phuket in early March 2023, I began walking each day after breakfast. At first, it was a struggle just to get to the local mall and back. I was in a bad way, emotionally, mentally and physically. Training was hit and miss in those last few months before I left, and during that time, my drug use spiralled. If it weren't for the symptoms of psychosis, things would have been much worse. Fear of what would happen once the binge was over and I needed to sleep, kept the usage to what I deemed a bare minimum. My regular GP returned to China and the other doctor I saw at the clinic refused to prescribe me Valium. This wasn't enough to completely stop me because I knew I could show up at the emergency dept of my local hospital and they would give me a few pills to help avoid the absolute terror psychosis caused while coming down off meth. Since those dark days, my life has improved in increments of hours, days and months. Every day I put on my shoes and walk brings more than just better health. Each step takes me further away from the slavery of meth addiction. I'm not out of the woods yet. I've been binge-watching Breaking Bad and to an extent, getting triggered. Thoughts of using enter my head, although they don't last long before reality brings me back down to earth. It isn't just the BB series that causes me to crave. I'm glad I'm not in Australia. Meth will have a hold on me for some time to come. I need to be aware of this but also take pride in my achievements so far. These moments of weakness are fleeting and pass quickly. Despite the intermittent rain, I made it to the gym twice this week. I still have tomorrow to go before resting over the weekend. I almost didn't walk today, but the rain was only drizzling, and after an internal argument over what to do, I convinced my softer self to go. It felt good when I got back and I rewarded myself by ordering dinner (fried rice and spring rolls) to be delivered. Doing meditation every night is making a huge difference and sleep now comes more quickly. I'm feeling more positive, and although it's hard to put a finger on exactly why this is, I think it's a good idea to stick with the program (meditation, prayer and training my ass off) and try not to over-analyze things. I've only spoken to the demons a few times this week (and kept it short). The less I engage the better, and if you are reading this, thanks for the great advice, Deb. It makes sense not to listen to their negativity. If I don't provide them with a platform makes it impossible for them to hurt me. Every step I take carries me so much further than a yard...and every mile brings me closer to real happiness. I need to find the confidence and strength to overcome my addiction forever...one day at a time. |
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He'll survive that aspect of school.
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