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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| I like quotes... Judge not, lest ye be judged...Matthew 5-7. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes...Mary T. Lathrap. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong...Gandhi. You took too much, man, you took too much, too much...Hunter S. Thompson. And I have a few of my own... The only true love that exists is for the child...whose love for you can never match. And...Change is inevitable...but the direction of those changes starts with us, the individuals in every community, and not with the masses, who we are so eager to blame for it all being so wrong. Enough of the quotes. Nobody likes change unless they are suffering. Human beings are by and large, habitual by nature which is both a good and a bad thing, depending on the habits. My habit of taking drugs is if I am being completely honest (which I am), very selfish and self-indulgent. Me, me, me...without much thought about anything or anyone else. Repentance is not just a word, it's an action and I know I have a lot to repent for. Here in Australia, we think of ourselves as being the lucky country...because we are. When we turn on a faucet and drink, we don't consider that for a second, or what we would do if that wasn't our reality...not like some who live in a place where that would be considered a privilege. We have free hospitals...well, they're not exactly free but paid for through the highest tax rates in the world, but few are complaining enough to want to move elsewhere. I could go on, but I'm sure you have heard about us and why we are so lucky. I am a little uncomfortable with all of this lucky country stuff because there are so many other countries that are not so lucky. Just because we are lucky enough to live in this lucky country, doesn't mean we should gasconade about it...flaunting is unattractive, borders on arrogance and doesn't sit well with me at all. We could do better and that's exactly what I intend to do. I love to learn, especially about people, their cultures and their backgrounds...their stories interest me. When I visit my mother where she now lives, I don't just visit her, but other residents who would otherwise be, to a certain extent, ignored. Older people were once called elders and were respected for their former input and revered for their vast knowledge. Unfortunately, this admiration and respect is declining, at least in my country, and that is a sad thing to say. But, at least they do have care available and this is better than nothing. It's ironic because I would bet a dollar that in general those who live in poorer countries than Australia would be happier and more content with what they do have. We Australians (and probably other Western countries as well) are spoiled and because of that, we tend to look at what we don't have, rather than what we do. The reality is there is poverty everywhere, but the support networks are far from the same when comparing first-world and third-world countries. I would put forward the example of how often a family in Australia MUST sell a child, knowing full well that child will be subjected to sexual exploitation, in order that their community will have a better quality of life, ie; food and shelter. Here, that would almost never happen, but in a third-world country, this happens far too often. It's not that we love our children any more here than they do. It is simply a matter of necessity and those corrupt people, who have no morals or standards, will tempt them. Repentance comes in many forms and mine will be done trying to prevent these families from having to go down this path. When my beautiful mother is gone, she has bequeathed me this house I am now living in. And although I am currently an addict, I haven't spent everything on drugs. I still have a healthy 401 (we call super) and I don't owe one cent to anyone other than those I plan on helping in Thailand. There are already people on the ground doing good work in this regard and after I am settled and have found my place in life, I will begin to distribute this wealth in ways that I hope will change the lives of those less fortunate than I am...who deserve better. You could say that's honourable or even wonderful, but repentance isn't about big noting or braggadocio and the only reason I am telling anyone now is so that you might think along similar lines. When I visited Thailand in 2018, I was changed forever by the people and the culture of giving instead of receiving. That was the first time I realised who I truly am...a Buddhist in my heart and soul. I feel the need to give as much as I can to those who need it the most. When I told my Mom of my plans after she is gone, she thought it was the most wonderful thing and the best way for me to live out the rest of my days...and I couldn't agree more. |
| It's confession time. Forgive me Father for I haven't sinned...well, I have had some thoughts about sins of the flesh, but that is to be expected when you consider the last time I had sex with another person was in December 2016. Since then, I've been occupied to the point where I couldn't begin to consider dating. Some of the things occupying my time have been honourable, whilst others, have not. I would never enter into a potential relationship whilst I am using drugs. That would not be Ok on so many levels. And when a person takes on the responsibility of caring for an older person like a parent, it usually goes from a place where the level of care required is less, and then becomes more demanding over time. So, committing to another is simply not possible or more to the point, feasible. Meth causes extreme everything...when high, extreme sexual desire and when not, very low sexual desire. Happiness follows along the same lines, as does bank account balances except in the opposite. But when I am sober (after enough time has passed to completely clear the system), sexual desire evens out and thoughts of dating inevitably return. Now, I'm no dummy even if I often do dumb things and I realise that there is more to dating than thoughts of a sexual nature. And that's only one component of a very complex series of ritualistic actions and reactions that must be negotiated before having any chance of actually finding someone who might fit my personality, match my chemistry and so many other things that must go as close to perfect as possible to have any chance of discovering 'the one'. And that's assuming there really is that one person out there. Add to all of that the fear things will go awry and I will end up being hurt. Or worse still, I will end up hurting someone else. All things I am very unsure of and that in itself could set me up for failure and assure disappointment. Of course, love is life's gamble and unless you are willing to lose, then you lose anyway. With no drugs in my life now, this becomes a problem for me for many reasons. Add drugs to my life and some of these problems are taken away, but as we all know, many more are then created. Isn't it ironic that no matter what we do in life; no matter our choices, there can never be a perfect solution? If there are gains, there will also be losses. Positives vs negatives and there is never any escaping this fact. Weighing things up and making smart choices does make sense, but you can never know what you've got until it is gone, and you can never know what you will have until you do, linger in my mind long after the courage required to take the leap has dwindled. There are no freebies in life. Every decision gives but also takes away. It's not fair, but there's no point in complaining because we are all in the same boat and dealing with the same things on one level or another. The poor wish they were rich, without knowing how a rich person feels about those around them. Who loves them for who they are and who is there only because of that wealth would be so difficult to deal with. As would being poor. Lucky for me I have an alternate plan, and one that will be more rewarding and worthwhile than any search for love could ever be. |
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