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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Recently, I was with someone I care very much about who was told she only has a year to live. You, me and no one really knows how we would react to that news...but because we are creative people here at WdC, why don't we try to imagine what those words would change in our old plans...before we knew that in 365 days, everything ends for us. Some people couldn't even go there, I'm sure, and for you, feel free to opt out. And for those who are willing to play along, good for you because this might change how you presently think about your life. The first thing I imagine most of us would do is cry. But don't spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves because we have more important things to do than shed tears. The bucket list comes to mind...do all the things we always wanted to do but for whatever reason, never got around to. Can you imagine how terrifying it would be for some people who are afraid of heights climbing up to altitude with nothing but some string and cloth to save their asses. And when the time comes for them to jump out of a perfectly good plane, it might be very different for those of us who have less than a year to go and are busy racing through that list. I imagine there wouldn't be much hesitation...not for a second, then to leap into the abyss without any fear because we don't have as much to lose. That sensation as we plummet towards the earth wouldn't be anywhere near as frightening for us as it would be for someone who has more to lose than an already condemned person. And I imagine it would be the closest we might come to forgetting the reason why we are up there in the first place, instead of at our desks doing the right thing by everyone but ourselves. Of course, upon a safe landing, reality would return to sender and remind us that there's no time to waste enjoying that moment because we still have a lot of things to do before we are no longer. Ok, I think we can stop imagining now and consider why it is that it would take such a horrible piece of news to get us to do the things we might include on our actual bucket list? You could ask yourself why you haven't yet done the things you have always wanted to do, but always found an excuse not to? . Kids...mortgages...careers...or just losing sight in the hustle and bustle of life? A life that might just end in a year from now, like it will soon for my mom. Yes, you might live to be a hundred or you might walk out your door tomorrow morning and never return. No one really knows when they are going to die unless they are told. And even though we are creative people, we have zero idea of what that would, in reality, mean to us. Would you regret not doing the things you always wanted to do? Because no matter if it's tomorrow or a hundred years from now, you might never do them anyway. Let me give you some free advice...it's all a trap...a trap you can only get out of if you are aware that you are trapped. Otherwise you might wake up one day and go, "Oh fuck, what have I done?" It doesn't always go that way and some people can find a balance between work and life outside of work...but not many. Most either live with the reality by denial or some other way to make it seem ok. God or a bottle or suicide can help, but rarely provide a good answer. Or, you can see that thing that is holding you in place, snap that fucking binding off your leg and go do what you want to do before you are too old or too beaten down to have the balls to take the risk. Or before you run out of excuses. Of course, I could be full of shit and I guess one day you will know for sure. I hope you do make the right choice and I truly mean that. |
| One month clean after a very long and exhausting dive into the depths of addiction. It got bad...really bad and became almost suicidal in approach. "Why should I care if so few others do?" Sorry, I almost puked in my own self-pity Oh, but I do love a good sob story...or read the underlying subtext..."All I need is an excuse...any excuse will do and I will run with it until the cows come home." What about this one..."Poor me...no one loves me and no one wants to read my stories." Boo fuckin hoo is what you should all be saying to me...and I hope you do because that's exactly what I deserve. The truth...not some sweetened message of encouragement that I can then use as my next excuse. John Belushi's wife said all he needed was a reason...an excuse...if he was happy, he would go and get high. If he was sad...you can see what she was saying. We need to be accountable, but to only one person, ourselves. No one else can do this for me (I'm banging the keys in sheer disgust at my own failings). I didn't let you down...I only let one person down and that was me and I am angry, frustrated, disappointed and damn pissed at myself. And so I should be. And what am I going to do about it THIS TIME? Play the victim? Oh, my brother beat me every other day whilst I was growing up, so I deserve to get high. Fuck me dead, I sound like a spoiled brat who is trapped in the body of a near sixty-year-old man. A man who will use any excuse going to continue to get high. I'm angry and I will not use dealers, addiction, history or my own stupidity to try to convince you that I deserve another chance...because I don't. What I deserve is to stop using this fucking drug once and for all. "Can I do it?" Who the fuck cares little boy. The world has bigger problems than to pay one second of attention to yours. I still have stuff to say, but I won't sugarcoat anything...and at times, I will be downright aggressive in my approach. I'm not pulling any punches this time around. If that's not what you like then please...go elsewhere because I don't have time to waste milling around the issues that I still see in myself and in those around me. We all need more truth in our lives and if truth isn't your thing, read someone else's words who might be a little less objectionable. I'm done with that and anyone who thinks they like the sound of what I am saying...come along for the ride because it will only get better from here. On drugs, I'm a pussy MF. However, off them, I am not even close to that. But don't be discouraged people, especially if courage is something lacking in your life because you might actually hear something that will benefit you. Good luck and away I go. |
| June 7th 2022 I was in crisis. I felt unsupported, undervalued and underappreciated as a writer and member of this site. I still have no real idea if my experience with this is 'normal' or if I am the exception because of the many reasons this might be so. Without input, I naturally fill in the blanks left behind by readers who say nothing at all about how they felt after reading my words. For me, I would much rather hear that I am a terrible writer, than hear nothing but crickets. This, after knowing so many have been on my port and read my work, yet so few have anything to give in return...comments... critique...advice...encouragement...even, "Go find another hobby!" Anything would be better than silence...in my opinion, the worst sound an author can hear. I work so hard and put my heart and soul into every word I post. I want to give the reader something worth their time, but it seems the majority of the time I have to be my own judge on if I, and what I write, am worthy of their time...or if I am just kidding myself. The self-doubt I feel when a couple of hundred people have read a particular piece of my work, yet only one or two take the time to leave any comment at all, can at certain times, be overwhelming. Is that normal for everyone here? Or is it a case of my expectations being too high when it comes to this kind of thing? Are we (as I have found on another site called Tumblr) so caught up in promoting our own brand, that we see others as competitors? Or is it quite simply apathy among a group who should be doing more to support each other and promote those who ARE really special (and even those who are just trying to be the best they can be) no matter what that does to our own egos? Please, don't think I am placing myself in any elite or gifted group because those calls should never be made about our own work, but is gifted to others when we feel everything we should feel when reading someone who is awe-inspiring, captivating and who, once we have finished reading, have no doubt are above the ordinary. I understand that writing should be done for our own satisfaction. And that if we are lucky enough to get some feedback, any feedback, we should count our blessings. But, does it HAVE to be like that? Especially on a site like WdC, where we are a community of like-minded and fellow artists who I'm sure all struggle at some point or another, even the very best, with self-doubt and questions of our own worth. I cannot help but feel this message will fall on very few ears and even fewer who care enough to put their own two cents into the equation...and if this is true, then so be it. It won't stop me from adding to my backlog of work, but it certainly won't help me either and I think that is the saddest part of everything I am trying to convey here. Has the world changed so much that we must become a reflection of it...to become the very things we despise the most about it? Change is inevitable, but the direction of those changes starts with us, the individuals in every community, and not with the masses, who we are later so eager to blame for it all being so wrong. |
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