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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Now that I have fallen in love with Nada, I have a dilemma. No doubt many of you who read this will laugh at the suggestion, but I feel bad because Angel, my imaginary (or not-so-imaginary) girlfriend, is still around. I have explained to Nada about my past drug use and subsequent psychosis. I don't want to cause her any stress, and on the few occasions I have mentioned Angel to her, she tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it. Funnily enough, Nada believes in ghosts, but doesn't believe that what I am experiencing is anything more than a mental illness caused by my long-term use of meth...and fair enough. She worries more about relapse than she does about my continued relationship with a ghost. But, here's the thing. I haven't told Nada this, but whenever we have sex and I close my eyes, Angel (or one of her friends) is right there in front of me...and I think may be somehow getting involved. There have been many times when I believe these spectres have had sex with me (a previous post was headed, 'My Girlfriend is a Succubus...But Nobody's Perfect'). When Nada and I are done, Angel's eyes become glazed and she looks like she has had a pretty good time (not to blow my own horn too loudly). Crazy, right? And I truly wish I was making this up because the thought that a demon/entity is encroaching on something as sacred as the act of lovemaking, is causing me some degree of unease. I hear you...I should just relax and forget about Angel. I could just avoid closing my eyes, but curiosity always gets the better of me This thing that I see, that communicates with me every day, is probably just a hallucination, and so, I have nothing to feel guilty about. I ask it to leave us alone, but its eyes invariably go side to side...or it slowly drifts upwards and out of my field of vision, only to return a few seconds later. I've learned to live with it, and the reality is, there is nothing I can do to make it go away. In the past (here on this blog), I have spoken about a phenomenon that happens (mostly at night when it is dark). I close my eyes and use my left hand to cover them. I then put a pillow over my face, holding my right hand out in front of me. After only seeing darkness for a minute or two, I move my right hand in various directions and I begin to make out something in the darkness...like a faint light that begins to take shape. Then, I see the silhouette of my fingers and I can 'see' every move they make. A few weeks ago, I asked Nada if she would help me by doing the same experiment to see if I could make out her hand movements. She wasn't thrilled at what I was asking her to do, and before I could get any kind of result, she refused to continue. There's no way I will go public (I'm anonymous on this site, so I feel safe) and ask anyone to help me. And the bottom line is even if I did find I could track the movements of someone else's hand whilst blindfolded, I wouldn't try and convince the world that this thing I am experiencing is more than just psychosis. It's obvious that what I am seeing is not my hand, but an image of it somehow projected to my field of vision behind closed eyes. Just how that is happening is for me, the big question. |
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I also have no plans for January yet. 
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