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 |  A place for my thoughts , activities, and experiences |
First, I'd like to thank SantaBee   for the beautiful awardicon I received for this Blog/Diary. Much appreciated. These are my experiences, adventures, things I like to share, which might be, but not limited to, recipes, healthy living ideas, art, stories, craft work, such as needlework, sewing; wreath making, guitar, homeopathic remedies. Or maybe none of that. Haha I look forward to seeing what kinds of things you might like to share too. Please keep it courteous and kind. This is a friendly place. Update: I decided to change the content rating because of adult subjects. |
| So often we are hardest on ourselves. When I start feeling down, it's usually after I've listened to other people's issues. I'm a good listener, and an empath, and so I end up absorbing thier pain, feeling whatever they are feeling. After a while, I'm overloaded with that from different people. I need to escape and unwind. As for me, sometimes my alone time, can make me think of those people and things of mine that mean the most of me. I may have lost them in death, or worse yet, lost them in distance and circumstance. At that moment, I may be on an empty train car. I have no book to read or phone to distract me. All I see outside the window is a blur of buildings and the ever distancing landscape. The distancing of the rolling hills and trees could be comforting, yet the vibration and loud repetitive sound of the train is persistant. And it ends up heartbreaking instead. Reluctant tears suddenly roar through me and out my eyes, much like a flash flood. I weep, allowing myself this moment, while nobody's around to see. It lasts for a bit, and then I tell myself not to feel sorry for me. Life goes on. Life is also full of blessings. I have people to care for and protect. I refocus. |
| Prompt: What makes you believe in the impossible? It's hard to explain, but I have faith, yet when it seems like what I want isn't happening, I have doubts. Then I remind myself that it might not be happening at the time I think it should. And I think of time as eternity being connected to those I love and who loves me. And so I try to be patient for positive outcomes. |
| Prompt: Would you rather be a famous writer, a Rock Star or a Doctor who finds a cure for cancer? Well, I'd first considered a famous writer, since even writers can help people understand what works and what doesn't and he or she might discover what works in the process. And in that way they could save a life, or make life better for the future. Yet, a doctor, who discovers a cure for cancer, or even a preventative care from getting it, is something to be proud of too. I'm thinking that they'd have to be scientists to truly figure it out. Then again, they are like scientists in some ways. Many wonderful doctors exist who truly care for thier patients. They are brilliant, and loving doctors like that. Still, it seems like they are rushed into discovering too many things too fast before they become doctors, I think. They have to soon choose thier specialty and are limited to that. They are dedicated to serving others, and it's an honorable thing that they do with true empathy. I can say that I have had wonderful doctors, but also ones that don't seem to pay attention. They send people home with pills to mask the pain, who without a proper diagnosis, it could make things worse or even kill them. And so there it is. Maybe it's akin to having an excellent automotive mechanic or someone that really doesn't have that expertise, yet seems so at first. Or maybe they too only specialize in certain things or just a general overall basic stuff. I especially dislike when someone lies to me about repairs. It has happened to friends of mine too. I'm a woman, but I'm not stupid. Even some men don't know about their cars or fix them themselves. That doesn't make them stupid either. The fact is that until you've done something, you can't possibly know for sure that you can't do it successfully. If you try, you might discover that you've accomplished something. You might not fail. If you don't try at all, you've already failed. Heres an example. It's an experience I had with my own car. Have I ever removed and replaced my front bumper after a car accident cracked it? No. Yet, that doesn't mean I couldn't, if I knew how. I had someone trying to make me feel stupid. Instead, I felt shamed as if I had no right to at least try. I don't have the $3,000 they claim would be the cost. I don't believe thier estimate is correct. Well, that's thier problem if they honestly have no faith in me. I will try. It's sad that we pay others to do stuff, then when we can't pay we don't know how to fix things, whether it's cars or carpentry, or plumbing, or whatever other fields of study we no longer have access to. * I have more to say on this, so I will continue it on my next blog. Here's the link to the next one. "Car Repair Example"  |
| Prompt: Would you rather be a famous writer, a Rock Star or a Doctor who finds a cure for cancer? Well, I'd first considered a famous writer, since even writers can help people understand what works and what doesn't and he or she might discover what works in the process. And in that way they could save a life, or make life better for the future. Yet, a doctor, who discovers a cure for cancer, or even a preventative care from getting it, is something to be proud of too. I'm thinking that they'd have to be scientists to truly figure it out. Then again, they are like scientists in some ways. Many wonderful doctors exist who truly care for thier patients. They are brilliant, and loving doctors like that. Still, it seems like they are rushed into discovering too many things too fast before they become doctors. I think. They have to soon choose thier specialty and are limited to that. They are dedicated to serving others. And it's an honorable thing thst they do with true empathy. I cab say I have had doctors that don't seem to pay attention. They send people who without a proper diagnosi, which could make things worse ir even kill them. And so there it is. Maybe it's akin to having an excellent automotive mechanic or someone that really doesn't have that expertise, yet seems so at first. Or maybe they I only specialize in certain things or just a general overall basic stuff. I especially dislike when someone lies to me about repairs. I'm a woman but I'm not stupid. Even some men don't know about their cars.That don't make them stupid either. Yhe fact us until you've done something, you can't possibly know for sure that you can't do it successfully. An example is an experience with my own car. Have I ever removed, replaced my front bumper after a car accident No. Yet that doesn't mean I couldn't, if I knew how. I had someone trying to make me feel stupid. Instead I felt shamed as if I had no right to a t least try. Well, that's thier problem. I will try. It's sad that we pay others to do stuff then when we can't pay we don't know how to fix things. |
| The other night I had this dream. As most dreams are rather obscure, this was not much different, yet it definitely had a lot of feeling in it. Surprise, confusion, loss, and more. I dreamt I was somewhere like in a dusty plain, lots of dirt on the ground, possibly a forest and mountains not too far away. There were no sidewalks. Regardless, I was at least far from home and on what was kind of... hmm, what's the word I'm looking for? Barren land? When I say far from home, I figured I was still on planet Earth. I just wasn't familiar with my surroundings. I began to wonder if anyone at home realised I was missing. Maybe at least one person would, and notify the police. My next thoughts were how did I get there? Where was my car, if I had one? Or did I have one? I couldn't call anyone anyway, because my phone was in my purse and my purse was missing too. This left me with a very sad feeling. I could be forgotten so soon and so easily. I basically had nothing. Hopefully, I'd be remembered well, if at all. I didn't even think about how I'd survive with nothing at all. I also didnt remember driving there. Had my life ended and I didn't know it? I didn't recognize this place. It seemed like the average place you might find in westerns or a movie setting. I wasn't really scared either. I thought I saw at least one woman, dressed in fine clothing and even a hat. The kind women wore in the old days, even before my time. Someone was with her, maybe a child or a man, both walking about, but they didn't notice me. They went towards a building and disappeared from sight. I didn't seem to care for some reason. Light caused my eyes to slowly open,I felt something soft and pillowy beneath me, my mattress below me, and that's when I realised I had only been dreaming. It's odd that I can remember it so well. Usually, I forget minutes after I start moving around. * In real life, my oldest son stopped talking to me. March 31st is his birthday and I know he'll be celebrating with other people as usual. As much as I'd like to be with him on his special day, I can't. It's not my choice, it's his. He believes that I make him worry too much. I guess it don't count how long I worried over him, when he hadn't contacted me in over ten years. I finally had to just pray that he was alive, safe, and doing well. And I was thrilled when I actually did get to see, hug, and love him anyway, except it was a tense hour or more. Yet, now what? Is this how my life will continue on? I honestly thought otherwise. This is not like breaking up with an ex. This is my blood, my son who I love, raised myself, and gave him a decent start in life. I watched him grow from handsome tiny infant, then as a toddler, and teenager, still handsome, smart, and good hearted young man, then he left home to a far away place, to find his own way in life. I never thought he'd ever choose to not be a part of mine. It's not easy to have happen, yet we want them to have choices of thier own. Bless him regardless. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Since nothing I say will help him see this isn't making things better, I will pray and know that at some point in time everything will be fine, if not in this lifetime, then infinity wise. |
| At another site a question was asked. What do old people do? My response: I can't tell you that. Because I don't remember. Jk. Older people do lots of things that they might not do if they were younger, depending on what it is. And so, I decided to share an experience tell a story. One day I was at church, and we church members volunteered to help pack meals to be sent to starving children in the Ukraine. We often help out other churches. At least thirty people showed up at the church on the next street over from ours. I got to dump in a scoop of dried vegetables in each package. Other members tossed in scoops of rice. Other people added the seasonings, weighed, bagged them, and yet another sealed the package. During the packaging, my feet started getting cramps in them. I wanted to sit down or walk it off. But soon we were about to quit anyway. Next the other church, wanted a group picture. We all went out back and prepared ourselves. Since I'm shorter than most people there, shorter ones need to kneel in the front. If I get down, it's way harder to get back up, so I bent forward, hands on my knees. Suddenly, I felt a toot coming on. Oh God, please not now. Hopefully they'd hurry up and take the picture. A small thanks and a prayer was said. Finally, the picture was taken, and my urge had disappeared like a ninja minute. Whew! Then the photographer said, "Let's get another one." But...Oh no! Here came that urge again. I bit my lip. I bent, but looked behind me first and jeez. The second row of people were bent over too. Thier faces were hovering above my derierre at any angle. Undecided, I wasn't sure which way to be bent without somehow offending somebody. Finally, desperate to escape, I asked if could I go stand to the side. The photographer said yes. I rushed over there. I barely saved myself from the wall of shame. I was finally able to breathe a bit easier. How embarrassing would that be if I accidently blew up and killed everybody? That would have been a tad messy. ~~Toots. There it is. Toots, there it is... ~~shaka laka shaka laka~~ |
| I got a ride, with my church family, out of town and had the cateract surgery. The operation didn't take long and all seems to be doing well. Now I just have to recuperate, and as l thought, my doctor didn't say anything about driving, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want me to until I'm healed up. I will be laying low for a while. When I got home, I sat in my winged-back chair resting for a few minutes, but then I nodded off and fell asleep. I'm not sure how long I slept but nothing caused me to wake up. Rarely do I do that. And so yes I was exhausted. Most of the time while at the surgery center, I was waiting in the reception area. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink, except water, from 7 a.m. onward. My ride picked me up about 7:15 a.m. but my appointment was for 10 a.m. I'm glad I got the surgery done. In January I'll have the left eye done. As of today, it seems like I'm seeing auras. I was kind of excited thinking I was having a spiritual moment, but realized anything I touched had that same kind of cobwebby aura, even a McDonalds fruit pie. Haha. How cool would that be to see have some kind of super vision after an eye operation, huh? Actually, it kind of sounds sci-fi-ish. I might have to think about it a little to discover the story possibilities. Have to go now. I'm typoing like crzzy and my eyesight is blurry still. |
| I was just reading about a young man (possibly 30 years old at most) who basically lived in bus stops in a neighboring town. I often visited this city to do shopping. I saw him there month after month and day after day, just sitting there doing nothing. He was either across the street in that stop by the Urgent Care, or on the same side as me at the other bus stop. My car wasn't working so walking or taking the bus was my way of getting around. It didn't matter how hot or cold it was, he was there. Every time I saw him he was alone, but had a cart of what I guessed was his belongings. I never saw him drunk or disorderly. He wasn't dirty looking either. This was somebody's son, brother, or cousin. I simply couldn't do nothing. One day I finally asked him if he needed anything. He shook his head. "No." I asked a second time anyway, thinking he might say, "Okay, yes." Instead again he said "No". Then I let it go, thinking that he had his right to his privacy. What I had hoped to do was find out why he was staying in bus stops, and what brought him to that point. I would hate myself if I pretended to not notice. At the same time, I wondered how safe it was to talk to him. Some people tend to get defensive if you ask questions and think you're being nosy or possibly trying to cause trouble. I'll never get to find out now because the police had come and found him there and had corded off the area. Earlier today is when someone had posted in a online city site, that a man had passed on, in or behind the bus stop. What's ironic is that this was on a busy main street, and very close to an Urgent Care. Why hadn't anyone helped him? Where was his family? Why was he always alone? I hadn't even known his name, which I had recently found out it was Joe. In hindsight, I think he might have been that same young man I had noticed at the community center many months before this event. I had just eaten lunch and was in the reading room. He was the only other person in there besides me. He didn't look at me. He didn't seem familiar to me, maybe because he wasn't wearing a covid mask. But I did look at him this time because he seemed very thin. And for some reason I wondered if he was homeless and why. Did he leave home because he was abused or had his relatives pass on already? Maybe he lost his job or maybe he had some kind of disability that wasn't obvious. I couldn't outright ask him about his life situation. I decided to hand him a small unopened carton of milk I had with me. He took it, then I dug through my purse and drew out a ten dollar bill. It wasn't much, but maybe he could use it, if he accepted. Instead of asking, I merely handed it to him. He looked up at me, as if puzzled. I gave him a faint smile, hoping he understood that it was a gift. "It's for you to use as you wish." He looked almost cheerful and said, "Thank you". I had another appointment so I bid him goodbye. "You're welcome. I have to go now. Have a good day." "Thanks again." It wasn't much and might not go far, but there was nothing else I could offer. Yet, even so, a hint of guilt hit me. I felt bad that whatever was going on with him, I couldn't do anything about it. And if I had asked, it might have embarrassed him. I'm sorry Joe. Maybe I should have tried harder. Rest in Peace my young friend, wherever you are. I'll assume you're with the angels. |
| I guess that might have gotten your attention. Haha I heard that in Japan, if you can't find a room to rent, you can rent a coffin space. From what I understand, you slide in and there's things in there like a TV and radio on the top wall, in case you're not quite ready for sleep. I told my oldest son, who is visiting Japan soon, that it would be pretty scary for me. Then my mind decided to explore that idea. What if you woke up with less organs or didn't wake up for some reason? Or what if the coffins are actually part of something bigger, like rocket-fueled coffin automated missiles. At some point, you land in outer space. lmao Seems like a premise worth exploring story-wise though. Thought I'd share it and see if anyone else can come up with a scenario or two. Hmm. If I get time maybe I'll make it a contest, if I can remember how. * Sundowner's Syndrome I tend to forget things later in the evening. My son was extremely upset with me, because he thought I was messing with him that I didn't remember something that happened many, many years ago. I asked him for where it happened, he said he wasn't going to give me a clue. But one or two words He said helped me with recall. He was angry with me. until he suddenly realized I'd truly not remembered. Then he broke down. I've never seen him so upset. Unfortunately, hed been drinking, which made things worse. I had to remind him that there's nothing wrong with me. He said it means that it's only going to get worse. I do not agree, at least not to a point. It's called Sundowners syndrome. It's not a disease. Whew! I didn't know there was a name for it. I did have a brain injury once, so that couldn't have helped much. I've had other people, who are much younger than me, tell me they've had that same thing happen. I have to remember so many things in order to take care of not just me, my health, the bills, my car, but also my son, my dog, my home. When I was a teen, I had less to worry about. Homework, work outside the home, the fact I'd never really dated and had no idea how to do that then. As for memory lapse, I just figured my synapses got tired and didn't fire off as they normally would, so I couldn't fully process the information. I can remember many scenarios from umpteen years past, even as to where I was, who was standing where, the mood, plus things that were said. Yet, during recall and evening, I might not remember until the next day. Please feel free to leave your thoughts. I'd like to know if anyone here has had this happen. |
| My dog wants to have whatever I'm having. She must think I'm having a gourmet meal. Yet, she has little cans of her preferreddog food. Most of the time she runs from it when I pop open a can, but eventually eats it. This girl eats fruit (except no raisins or grapes), even if she flashes those puppy dog eyes at me. Nope. Not happening. She loves bananas, peaches, oranges, berrries, and pineapple. Even popcorn causes her to stare at me like a beggar. She's tiny, so the amount she gets of any of regular people food, is minimal also. That might be why she has such soft fur. Lots of antioxidants, and other nutritional ingredients in food. My little socialite is a star at the hardware store. I end up spending at least a half an hour chaperoning her around so people can pet and talk baby talk to her. Finally, her fans have either left the store or gone back to work. Within minutes, I'm able to get my items and go home. |
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