Recovery after a brain tumor was removed. |
When asked how am I doing? I often reply, Seven Degrees Left of Center. After a powerful seizure, an MRI scan found a lime-sized tumor in my brain. This happened in September of 2019. The tumor was located about one inch to the left and seven degrees from the center of my brain touching the hippocampus. An area of the brain responsible for coding and decoding language and memories. I have to start over each day because I've forgotten where yesterday ended. Over time, the brain learns to adapt. |
Another week has passed, and time moves on. I did get the first review of a short story. I feel good about a 4, "Page" I wrote in one afternoon. Reading the story today is surreal. I am trying to remember writing it. The win is I wrote a short story. It needs some cleaning up, but I wrote it. |
As stated before, each day is a degree of starting over. The tasks and thoughts of yesterday have passed. The slate is blank, ready for another day. This is my life. I try to explain how each day starts, but nothing seems appropriate. I get up and make coffee, which is the part I have done. Then I watch some local news. From there, the day starts anew. What shall I do? What should I do? I checked the notes from yesterday. In reality, I didn't write any. Did I forget, too? Or did I get distracted and just don't do it? I don't know. I'm tired. I better stop, or the depression will shine through. Enjoy each day is all I can say. Because I know tomorrow, it will have faded away. |
It is a Thursday, the beginning of another day. Each day is a new beginning. Today is Thursday. One might think starting over each day is a blessing. I did at first. Now that time has passed. The new beginnings are getting old. I can remember some details—the repetitive details of daily life. What I forget are the creative thoughts. Even using notes, each story lives only as long as the thoughts themselves. The daily repetitive thoughts will stick. A new idea has little chance. These few lines will only live for a short time. I can feel them fading as I try to type faster. There are blessings in every day. Cherish them. And there the focus, concentration, and... and ... then it fades away... |
This is my experience with short term memory lose. I loose the good thoughts. Like what I planned on writing today. I was excited and ready to hit the keyboard. Then it happened. The good thought vanished. What makes it worse is days like today. I know, I know there was a good thought there. Not anymore. Today is when the frustration is strong and deep. Today is when I ask why do I keep trying to write? It is for the good thoughts. They don't always vanish. Sometimes. They stick around. So here is to those thoughts. The ones that get to stay. |
Well ... I did it again and waited too long to write an entry. I admit the depression really got to me again. Since those closest to me unintentionally treat me like I am broken. I start to believe it is true. Ok, it is true. The 8-inch horseshoe scare around my ear reminds me. Expressly today because it itches. I am trying to remember simple things, like this blog. The blog serves as a reminder that I am moving forward. For example, today, I had to read some entries to remember why I started. I fell into the rabbit hole of depression and self-pity. This is a difficult hole to climb out of, more difficult when "the want too" is missing. So, I admit, "I haven't wanted too." Today is a new day, but not an epiphany day. It is just a day to reflect on my mindset. It is a day to admit I feel comfortable being broken—but in a good way. How do I make this more positive? Well, maybe by admitting it exists in the first place. I cannot change the earthquake that rattled my brain, but I can change my reactions to the current status of healing. First, Be grateful I am not in a room watching cartoons, drooling, and wearing a diaper. Second, Be easier on myself. Learning to read and write is a process. A never-ending process. Third, Stop trying to remember yesterday and live for today. Three goals that seem simple. Right? I have sent them into the universe. Like seeds in a garden, I need to nurture them to get them to grow. Thank you for reading this blog and any prayers and positive energy sent this way. |