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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| The 19th of Kislev is a holiday only for Chabad. This is the day that the Alter Rebbe was released from prison in Russia. He taught everyday Jews how to be Jews. He is the founder of Chabad and Hasidic Judaism. Today I went to a Farbrengen and dinner to celebrate the today. I learned that it is not only the liberation of the Alter Rebbe, but it is also the Chabad New Year in the sense that those who studies Tanya finished it and will now begin again. It is a fresh start to being a new person. It was a good dinner and enjoyed the company. I admit that I didn't understand everything that was said, but some of the stories were good. The food was good even though I did get picked on for not eating the tomatoes or mushrooms. After not eating the box of cookies that I was given earlier this week, I can say that I enjoyed kosher cookies for desert. It was a good night with a little learning and little bit of good music and a lot of good company. |
| I moved to the community to be more observant. This means that I am staying kosher at work as well as at home. It is not hard to do most of the time. Access to kosher food is so much easier here in the community than it was in the middle of the country. There has an overflowing amount of Christmas activities and group events to show Christmas spirit at work. I, of course, do not celebrate Christmas. I made snowmen for my classroom door and did a winter themed word scramble, and I even signed a card with the inscription "Happy Holidays." However, I could not drink the hot cocoa that was brought around because it was not kosher. I could not eat the candy cane they wanted to give me either. I feel bad, like I'm ruining their happiness by not accepting these things, but I can't. Yesterday a colleague brought me a box of cookies. She knows a little bit about kosher laws because she worked in a Jewish school. However, she doesn't know them all. She had previously tried to give me a candy bar that wasn't kosher and caught her mistake before she handed it to me. The box of cookies had a lovely inscription that said, "Happy Hanukkah." It was sweet. The cookies were decorated in blue and white with pretty sprinkles and swirly frosting. They were wrapped sealed with one or two in each pack. However, there was no kosher symbol on any of the clear packages, so I couldn't eat them. I gave them to my students. I feel so guilty. Like not accepting these things makes me a hypocrite. I eat kosher food. My kitchen is set up (the best that I know how) to keep the food I cook kosher. I buy kosher food from the store. I cook that kosher food in my kitchen. However, once I cook it, it is no longer kosher. My dishes are not kosher. I am still converting, so I am not a Jew. I cannot cook kosher food without it becoming treif (not kosher). Even though I understand that I am living as a Jew (the best that I know how). Every time I turn down someone else's food, I feel like a hypocrite. I don't want to eat non-kosher, but I don't want to be a hypocrite either. |
| I admit that I have been very overwhelmed with life lately. There have been times that I wish I could just sleep and study. However, I can't, and I need to get the balance between studying, living life here, events in the community, classes, and friends. I love learning, and there are times that I put off things that I shouldn't just to study a little bit longer or take one more class. My Hebrew is getting better. I am getting over my fear of my own voice and starting to make attempts even if I'm not sure that I am going to be correct. I'm usually close if I'm not correct, which is good. I can answer basic questions, put simple sentences together and read with nikkud. I have learned quite a bit in my classes with the Rabbi who laughs. Not only has he cleared up some misconceptions that I had, but I have learned things that I could put into practice right away. I get a bit discouraged that some things I can't do yet, since I am still just converting, but he finds a way to teach me things and help me apply those things in real life. It's nice. Not that I don't still mess up on Shabbos. I know I do, but that's kind of the point right now. I know when I do something that I shouldn't have done, I know how to fix it, and I know what to do to make sure I don't do it again next time. I enjoy learning about the kitchen and how keep everything kosher. While my friend was away, I learned right from the Shulchan Aruch with the Rabbi who laughs. I really enjoy learning from it. It is straight forward and so in depth. I'm taking a class on relationships. I was afraid to take it at first because I have no reason to take a class on intimate relationships, but it isn't like that. It is how to improve every kind of relationship. The women's group also has classes on prayer that I have taking once a month. I love that these classes have text from the Torah (Old Testament), poetry, and writings in Hebrew first and then translated into English. These tiny golden nuggets of Jewish wisdom in Hebrew is what drew me into studying Judaism so heavily. Hanukkah is coming up soon. It actually starts Christmas night. I lit my electric menorah last year, and that was really my only Hanukkah experience. This year is already different. I helped set up a bit for the Hanukkah Wonderland. It is a kids event that celebrates Hanukkah. There is a wall with large storyboards that tell the Hanukkah story in a way that kids can understand it. I wasn't excited for Hanukkah last year. I am this year. Living in the community is different. I will get to see how it is celebrated by families with children. I will get to light a real menorah. Hanukkah is everywhere here, and I love it. Life is sometimes overwhelming here. There are things that I miss because I am so busy working and studying. I still haven't had the chance to bake challah since I've moved here. I miss it. I love that I can go to the store at the corner and buy a fresh kosher loaf, but I miss making my own too. There were some kosher coconut bites that I bought on my way home when I lived three hours away, and I can't find them here. It's crazy because I can find everything that I struggled to find before I moved here. I love that I can get non-diary ranch, matzah, kosher mints glatt kosher meat, multiple kinds of kosher cheese, and kosher grape juice at so many different places. Why do I miss that one little thing that I can't find here? I don't know, but I do. Perhaps its the fact that winter is here, the nights are long, and days are short that has me feeling overwhelmed. Making it home in time to light candles on Shabbat is the thing that stays in the forefront of my mind every Friday. The wondering if I have everything I need for Shabbat dinner or the time to make it to whosever house I am eating at, or if I have the house prepared for Shabbat, and if I called and messaged my kids before turning off my phone for the night. It's a lot. But then Shabbat starts and there is a peace that I've never known before. Focusing on the dinner either alone or with friends is all that matters. It's a happy time, peaceful. I long for it and miss it when its over. Perhaps it is the end of the semester approaching and I still have 3 lessons to teach, review to do, and an exam to give. Perhaps its because I haven't heard from the Beit Din in months, not that I expect to hear from them or see them often. I just don't want to be forgotten, because I do want to convert. That hasn't changed. Perhaps it is the wars. The middle east used to feel so far away. It is literally the other side of the world. It doesn't feel so far away anymore. I say Tehillim (Psalms) for the soldiers and the hostages two times a week (or more). My email is flooded with stories of the war and the expansion of the war. Syria has fallen and is being taken over by rebels (good or bad?). Germany has government issues. Then there is Gaza, Lebanon, the UAE, Egypt, Iran, and the list goes on and on. All of these wars and issues in other countries never bothered me before, but when my world became bigger and my friendships became more diverse, the Earth became small. I know that Hashem is in control and he will have in power who he wants in power (even here in the US) and we can trust that he will do what is best for us. Life does sometimes feel overwhelming right now, but when I get this feeling, I stop and say a prayer. Praying is the one thing that has never changed and never will. I know where to find peace. I know where to find guidance. I know where to find strength to keep going. G-d is still my everything. I will always turn to him and find my refuge. Life can be a lot, but there's G-d. |
| I had my first Friday night Shabbat dinner at home a couple of weeks ago. It was nice, but it was not the same. I was so tired and just wanted to be able to go to bed early. I lit my candles and sang alone to bring in Shabbat. I said Kiddush (which I still struggle with) and ate alone. It was quiet. I stayed home from shul and prayed at home. I read the Torah portion at home as well. I missed synagogue, a lot. I slept a lot. When I didn't show up at synagogue, I had a friend stop by to check on me. Talking with her was the longest I stayed up that day. After Shabbat ended, I received a lot of text messages asking if I was okay. Being in a community is definitely different from what I am used to. I'm not used to so many people checking on me when I'm sick, or anyone other than my children. There is a lot of adjustment. I try to make it shul by a certain time because I know if I am late (which I have been from talking to someone in the community) that it will be noticed and people will worry. Before moving here, missing a week wasn't anything because they knew that I drove so far, and we didn't have the close relationships like we do now. My life right now revolves around my learning. Hebrew lessons 3 days a week, lessons on keeping a kosher kitchen and Shabbat 2 days a week, a class on relationships 1 day a week, a class on Isaiah and Psalms 1 day a week each, plus community events and Shabbat. Honestly, I don't want it to change. I like the learning and I like my focus on what I'm learning. Will I have Shabbat dinner alone again this week? I don't know. But whether I am spending the evening with friends or lighting candles in my own dining room, the love for Shabbat will be the same. I do love it here, and my decision, again, is to stay. |
| Today is day 411 that the hostages have been in captivity. I was in synagogue during part of the October 7th massacre in Israel. I heard about it as I was walking on the sidewalk in front of the synagogue. The guard was listening to the news broadcast and keeping people updated. I remember feeling sad, lost and helpless. For weeks afterwards, people asked me if I was sure I wanted to convert. My response was always yes. On Sunday, I watched the movie We Will Dance Again. It is a documentary on the massacre that occurred at the Nova music festival. I had seen quite a bit of the footage already, but seeing it laid out in a timeline with even more footage of the before which I had not seen), more of the during, and more of the after was really hard. It helped me understand the true brutality and evilness of Hamas and all of those that participated in killing innocent, unarmed women, men, and children. I still don't understand how someone can hate like that, but I do understand that hate only understands hate. It doesn't matter your race, religion (multiple Muslims were tortured and executed as well), language, gender, age, job title, level of innocence, faith, allegiance, character, or contribution to the world because hate doesn't care. Hate only understands hate, and all that stand in its way of destruction and depravity suffer from it. Hate only wants to hate and can't even comprehend what is like not to hate someone. I can't imagine living like that. I can't imagine wanting to live like that or celebrate living like that. On Monday, I went to the Nova exhibit. It contained footage and recordings that I had already seen for the most part, but it also contained actual items from the Nova festival. After seeing the movie, the exhibit was a bit much. There were two burned up cars that came from the Nova festival. I knew that they had contained bodies, because the movie the day before said that every single shot up and burned car contained dead bodies. It was impossible to not step on the cars' burnt ash. Then at the end was a wall with the hostages pictures. There was a video of Hersh's mother talking. It was only day one hundred and something. She didn't know at that time that he would be murdered by his captors right before being rescued. His picture was on the wall. Also on the wall was the photo of Ori Danino who was taken hostage when he went back to try to rescue friends. He was killed along with Hersh. That was honestly a little too much. Over the past couple of days, I have dealt with sadness, grief, anger, a lot of anger, disbelief, confusion, sorrow, and a lot of questions. At the end of each day, though, I say, "G-d, I don't understand at all, but I trust you, and I love you." Do I understand why people keep asking me if I am sure about this conversion. Yes, I understand. However, we don't get to choose how we die, but we do get to choose how we live. I have never had such a close relationship with G-d like I do now. I love my close relationship with G-d. That alone is enough reason for me. |
| There are two things that happened this weekend that I need to mention. It seems this journey, regardless of how long I have been on it, has twists and unexpected surprises and experiences. 1. My daughter, A1, came over to spend the night. She wanted to come over on a Friday night, which is the beginning of Shabbat. On Friday morning, the Rabbi's wife texted me and asked me to come to dinner. I messaged my daughter and asked her if she was up for having dinner at the Rabbi's house. She said she it would be okay. Up to this point, she has seen me light candles on Shabbat, but that is it. She never attended a Friday night dinner, never heard kiddush, and never washed for bread. She willingly crashed coursed her way through it. She was a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people there, and I worked to get her mind off of that part and enjoy listening to the talk, the food, and the singing. She helped with the set up of the food. She ate without complaining. She stood for kiddush and attentively listened (even though she didn't understand anything the Rabbi said in Hebrew or Yiddish). She washed her hands (with help on what to do and what to say). She answered questions and was polite. She was overwhelmed by the fact that we were there for 5 hours. She has never had a dinner last that long. I apparently warned her of the amount of people, but not the length of time that dinner would take. She was tired when we left, but didn't complain when we stopped at one of my friend's houses on the way home. She talked, relaxed there, and played with the dog. We stayed there for about hour before leaving. She accepted an invitation to come back next month during one of the nights of Hanukkah. It was her first experience with Shabbat (besides seeing me light candles when I first started). I asked her what she thought about it. I told her to let it sink in and the next day to tell me her honest opinion. This is what she messaged me the next day. "My opinion is that you're happy, and that makes me happy. You've found a family that you belong in and found a lifestyle that works for you. I enjoyed spending time with you and experiencing that with you. I look forward to next month." I love you A1, and I am so blessed that you are my daughter. 2. I attended two classes this morning. One with the Rabbi who laughs on keeping a Shabbos Kitchen, and one with the Rabbi that glows on relationships. These Rabbis and these classes are one of the reasons why I fell in love with Judaism. I love the constant reference to the Torah as to why we should do things a certain way and to why we should behave a certain way. Keeping a Shabbos kitchen isn't all about what you should do and what you shouldn't do, even though that is certainly part of it, but there is so many reasons why we do what we do or don't do what we don't do, and it all goes back to the Torah. I love that the Rabbi who laughs always brings things back to the Torah as the main reason why any rule is in place. The second Rabbi's class is only a few weeks long, but every key point referred to verses in the Torah as to why that attribute is important to possess and who showed that attribute in the Torah. On a weekend where I thought my personal life was going to be the main focus of the weekend, I am spiritually fulfilled today by the teachings of the Torah. The love of the Torah and being able to dive deeper into its meanings are why I wanted to learn about Judaism in the first place. The more that I learn, the more I want to learn. because the more I learn, the more that spirit feels full. The best way to describe the way that I feel when I attend a Jewish class full of Jewish wisdom is like this: Imagine you lost the keys to your house, not only the front door key, but every room key, every drawer key, every key to every appliance, and every key to every window. Then imagine that many, many years later you are offered a key to one of your drawers. You open the drawer and relish in the contents. That is how I feel after one class. I opened a drawer and get to relish in its contents. My entire conversion journey is like a house where every door is locked, every drawer is locked, and every appliance is locked. As I go through the learning of the kitchen, go through the holidays, and attend classes on Torah and Jewish Wisdom, I unlock another thing all the while growing closer to the owner of the house, Hashem. Today I feel as though I unlocked an entire room that full of books that I now get to read and enjoy and learn from. Why can't I be just a B'nei Noach and why do I need to convert? Because it's the people that you have in your house that makes it a home. My daughter is right. I am happy. I am also extremely thankful to Hashem for being able to do this. I understand that this life is not for everyone, but it for me. I thank Hashem every day for being here in this moment at this time and able to do this ang to get closer to him. Tonight I am going to the JCC (Jewish Community Center) to watch a movie on the October 7 massacre. After the movie, the director will be answering questions, and then one of the survivors of the Nova festival will be there to speak. I've been waiting for two weeks for this event, and now I don't know if I'm ready for it. |
| This entry is just a learning dump. I've learned a few things over the past couple of months and I don't know if I have written them down yet. 1. The 100 blessings a day is from King David when he said that his day was complete after blessing Hashem 100 times. It is possible to do so every day if you say the morning blessings and prayers, the Sacharite, Mincha, and Maariv, the bathroom prayer, each time you eat, and when retiring at night. It is not a meaningless something to do just because, but is a check to make sure you do all of your prayers each day. 2. I learned that there is a phrase you say during the repetition of the Amidah. I took my Siddur to shul last Shabbat so that I could mark the places. It just happened to be Rosh Chodesh, so we did not do the regular Amidah. I marked the places for that prayer anyway, and I will take it again next week. 3. The significance of the number 3 in Judaism comes from the classification of the 3 types of Jews: Kohanim, Levite, and Israel (everyone else). 4. Shechinah means the Devine Presence, not that I fully understand what that means. 5. Rosh Chodesh is supposed to be a women's holiday (every month) where women do less work or not work at all. I haven't heard of this, and I don't think anyone in my community follows this custom. If they do, I haven't heard about it. |
| When I started this journey, I did not know a lot of things. I never expected things to turn out the way that they are. Every day is planned around work and conversion classes. On days like today when my classes are cancelled, I get to do things that I haven't gotten a chance to do. I cleaned the kitchen, took out the garbage, mopped the floor, cleaned the shower, folded that overflowing basket of laundry (Finally!!!), and took a call from a friend who is converting to answer questions about a kosher kitchen, finished my prayer and thankfulness vision board, studied Hebrew, and danced around my house singing. Living in the community is a lot different than living where I was living before. I have access to a lot of kosher food, which makes me very happy. I get to attend all of the holiday services, and I love the prayers for the holidays. They are beautiful. I get to study with the Rabbis in person instead of remotely. That is nice, because I can ask questions. I get to attend other events. I get to hang out with my friends in the community. Also, after a day of shopping (with a friend), I get to go to a kosher restaurant and eat delicious food. I get to walk to shul every Shabbat and holiday. Most importantly, I get to learn every day. I'm learning where to shop for food I like to cook and clothes that I can afford. I'm getting my prescriptions filled, and taking my car in to get it fixed. I'm learning when the traffic is bad and when it is closer to what I am used to. I'm learning what I need to buy for my kitchen for it to run a little smoother. I'm staring to settle in and get back to some of the routines that I had gotten down before moving to the community. As I focus on adding a new observance, it takes a bit to adjust and makes me miss some things that I had already done. I'm back to saying the Modeh Ani when I wake, then wash my hands before touching my face or eyes (took a lot of concentration to get that one down), saying my morning blessings and prayers, and saying the bruchas before and after I eat throughout the day. I like living here in the community and I like the ability to be more observant. Thank you Hashem for leading me here and sustaining me here. I love you. |
| The high holidays are over. Simchat Torah is a holiday that celebrates the love of Torah, the love of Hashem, and the love of being a Jew. I feel that I am blessed to look at Simchat Torah with a different lens than everyone else I know. Last year was my first year experiencing Simchat Torah. On that day, 1200 people were murdered by terrorists and over 200 were taken captive. 120 still remain captive. That day was approximately my 6th time attending synagogue. I would have to look back in journal to that time to see exactly, but I know it wasn't long that I had attended. People asked me for months after if I was sure that I wanted to convert. Why do I not just stay B'nei Noach? After Simchat Torah, it is easier to explain. One year ago, I watched as those people that I was just getting to know wept for people they had never met that were killed and worried about those that they knew that could have been in danger come together and pray. I also saw them joyful and celebrate their heritage and the Torah. I saw them finish reading the Torah and begin again. They prayed, they questioned, they anxiously waited news, they read the Torah, and they celebrated the Torah. It was an experience that I had never had in my life. Since that day, as a woman who just showed up one day and never left, I have been accepted and loved. I have watched them (and participated) pray for hours on end. I have seen them weep, fundraise, and do all they can for those that died, those that remain in captivity, and those that are fighting for their freedom. All of this was done with words from the Tanach and complete faith in G-d. Over the past year, I have also seen them celebrate what it means to be Jewish. I have seen them celebrate their love and friendship for one another. I have seen them remember those that couldn't make it to pray in the synagogue by creating and delivering packages on holidays, as well as celebrate each other's successes, joys, life cycles, and accomplishments. All of this celebrating was done with words from the Torah and thanksgiving to G-d. This year on Simchat Torah, I saw them remember the 1200 that died that day in a very moving and memorable way. They prayed for them, they did mitzvas in honor of them, and they danced with them while dancing with the Torah scrolls. I also saw them pray for hours blessing G-d, thanking G-d, and petitioning for G-d to intervene in their lives and in the land of Israel. Just like last year, they grabbed my hand and asked me to dance with them. They taught me the songs that I did not know. They gave me a bracelet that says, "JEWISH WOMEN UNITE." They welcomed me to the tribe. (Their actual words). It was this Simchat Torah that gave me clarity of words as to why I not only want to study Judaism (which I admit fully that I love doing), but also to be a Jew. I have never known anyone who loves the Torah, the Tanach, and all of G-d's word as much as me, until now. I have never known anyone else that wants to show G-d's love like I do, until now. I have never known anyone who is so supportive of others just because they are who they are, until now. There is no group of people that I know who want to serve G-d as much these people. I grew up wondering why I was so different than everyone else. I dressed different. I thought different. I acted different. I never understood why there wasn't anyone out there like me. Simchat Torah is the day that shows me that I am not different than everyone else. I was just around the wrong people. There are people like me. Wonderful and amazing people that I am so blessed to know and to meet (some even just once). In fact, there is an entire nation of people who are like me. When I stand before the throne of G-d and am judged, there is no other people that I want to stand with other than the Jewish nation. |
| Starting Wednesday night is the last of the high holidays. My students missed me and were happy that I was back today. Unfortunately, it is only for two days because of the next holiday. I did assure them that I wouldn't miss again until March. They seemed happy about that. They were afraid that I had gotten another job and moved away. There was an email sent of Friday that there is a "Scare" event on Wednesday night and all salary staff were expected to be there. I didn't get the email until Monday because I didn't have technology until then. I had to send an email saying that due to a religious holiday, I could not work the event. I offered to work during my prep and after school today to make up the hours. I forwarded the email to my dean and he said that it was fine. I stayed after work today working until 7. I'm hoping that is enough to appease them. I'm hoping that there will not be an issue with Shabbat in the future. Especially after taking off 4 days this month for the high holidays. I've been studying a lot around working and the holidays. My friend AB from another state calls me and read and discuss the Laws of Brachos. I study Shulchan Aruch with a friend that I met at shul over a year ago and got close to. She and I meet once a week, or at least we try to. I study twice a week (again after the high holidays) with one of the Rabbis at my shul. He is funny and makes me laugh a lot. He's started defining the Yiddish words when we come across them without me having to ask. I appreciate that. I meet with GZ multiple days a week to study Hebrew. We also go over the Hebrew part of the Shulchan Aruch to make sure I'm not missing anything in the translation. He also has classes on Psalms and Isaiah which I love. My favorite thing that I've learned over the past couple of weeks is in the Shulchan Aruch. There is a section on Mezuzahs. There is a line (Siman 11 section 23) that just makes me say, "Wow!" It is powerful and highlights the entire reason that I started this journey in the first place, to get closer to Hashem. Before the weekend of rejoicing over the Torah, I just want to say how thankful I am to Hashem for bringing me here to this point of my life. I love you with all that I am. |
| We are now in the midst of the holiday of Sukkot. It started on Wednesday at sundown and will end with the holiday of Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah. The first two days of Sukkot and the last two days of Sukkot (Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah) are non work days. Since they started on Wednesday at sundown, they ended when Shabbat began. There has two weeks this month that I have had a three-day holiday start on a Wednesday and there will be one more. Three-day holidays have been the talk of the ladies at my shul for the past year. I didn't understand the dread until this month. A holiday starting on a weekday is stressful enough with work and meetings before making it home with little time to prepare the house before candle lighting. I haven't had to cook, so I can't imagine cooking for a three-day holiday in addition to preparing the house. There is so much to remember and prepare for. There is no spending money or conducting business during a holiday. If an ingredient is forgotten, there is no making the dish for the holiday. If the wine runs out before the end of the holiday, there is no wine for Kiddush. That's just the beginning. There is no turning on lights or lighting a flame (the stove has to be lit already and stay on), no doing laundry, no cleaning, no doing dishes, no form of work at all. That also means, no tearing toilet paper. I have read about the toilet paper in the Shulchan Aruch and in the Shabbos Kitchen, but still don't understand it. I, however, do make sure that I have pre-ripped toilet paper for Shabbat and for holidays. A three-day holiday is a unique challenge. That can be a lot of toilet paper for one person, let alone if you host a dinner. I did not have time this week to prepare toilet paper for the three-day holiday and was left with whatever had I pre-ripped last holiday. I didn't run out, but it was close. I was nervous. I noticed that once a holiday begins, and I am not able to clean, I notice everything that is wrong with my apartment. It's not only the laundry that I didn't get folded. It's the floor that I didn't get mopped, the soap on the edges of the tub, the cobweb in the corner of the room, that one cup that didn't make it into the dishwasher, and on and on. It's stressful, because I have to stare at those little things for days knowing that I can't do anything about it. Then I worry that someone will come over and see how messy I am. I can hear my friends now telling me not to be so hard on myself, and that their homes are not perfect, and that they do forget things. They, after all, have years of experience, and I'm just learning. But that's the thing, I am just learning. I am learning in hopes of one day being a Jew. There were two instances that really hit me hard over the holiday, and I still haven't fully moved on from them. First, I need to say that it wasn't a person in the community that made me feel this way. As a strange woman who just showed up one day and never left, the women of this community have been nothing but loving, helpful, supportive, and welcoming. The people stress over asking me to do something as a goy (non-Jew), because they know that I try hard to be observant. Some even forget the fact that I am not a Jew (their words, not mine). It these moments that make me feel welcomed and accepted. I have been told, "Welcome to the tribe," on more than one occasion. The problem with that is the fact that I am not a part of the tribe yet. That became blatantly clear on these two occasions. The first was on Thursday. During the holiday service, the people go outside and shake the lulav and esrog in the sukkah. Someone who doesn't own one has to be "gifted" one by someone else. I watched as they shook the lulav and esrog and smelled the esrog. I was asked if I wanted to do it, and I said that I didn't think I could. When asked by someone if I would like their lulav and esrog, I said, "No, thank you," and someone said, "She can't. She's not a Jew." It's not the fact that I didn't do it, or even smell it (which I really wanted to do), or the words that confirmed my non-Jewish state; it's the fact that I was afraid to even touch them to smell them because I didn't want to touch something used for a holy purpose and defile them with my non-Jewish hands. And the fact that if I did do it, it wouldn't hold the same meaning to G-d that it would when everyone else in that tent did it. Seeing the joy on their faces as they shook the lulav and esrog, and wanting to know what it even smelled like made me feel so small and dumb. I took two days off of work because I am choosing this observance. I felt stupid and like an imposter. I was there because I chose to be there over doing anything else. I know that there is a certain significance in that, but it is after all, just a choice. That brings me to the second instance. It was after Minchah and Maariv prayers that we lit candles in the basement before going on the Sukkah Hop. I have lit candles for over a year. However, it was in that group of women where one young lady was helping the other young ladies and said after we lit, "Now you can ask G-d for anything. Share with G-d your hopes and dreams." It hit me hard. I have always prayed for my children, for friends, for the hostages, and for the soldiers during that time. Maybe it was the way that she said it, but all I could think is that there is only one that I want, to be a Jew. I couldn't break down in front of all those women, so I quickly prayed for my normal list of people and left the room. All the sukkahs that I was in were wonderful. All the food I was offered was delicious. It was fun going from sukkah to sukkah and seeing the different designs, hearing the laughter, and being with friends. If someone told me a year ago that I'd be sitting in a hut (multiple huts) with my coat on, in the dark or cold afternoon, fighting off bees, and enjoying every minute of it, I would have thought they were nuts. I did enjoy it. Even the bee entertainment. It was truly an amazing holiday. Why then have not gotten over those two instances? I don't know. |
| This past weekend was Yom Kippur. It is a fast (no food and no water) from sundown Friday night until after sundown Saturday night. This is the one holiday that I struggle with. I love being in the synagogue praying for two days (except the couple hours that I slept), but the no showering or hygiene at all leaves me feeling disgusting and only thinking about how much I want to brush my teeth. I admit that this year was not as difficult as last year. My feet didn't hurt as much at the end of the day. I didn't feel out of place at all. I wasn't hungry the entire day, just thirsty. The entire day was different for me than it was last year. I knew what I did all year. I didn't know that the year before like I did this past year. It wasn't just another year of the same old, same old. Life has changed so much over the past year. Reflecting over the past year has been a daily activity for the month of Elul. This reflection for me didn't end with Rosh Hashana or when Yom Kippur started. It was near the beginning of Saturday morning service when we were still early on in the book and reading the blessings and thanksgivings to Hashem for our blessings over this past year. One point (which was probably repeated multiple times throughout the day) thanked him for bringing us to that place at that moment and for all of the good throughout the year, because everything he does is for the good. It was that moment that it me and I couldn't stop crying. If I never get to finish my conversion for any reason, if I die this year and never get to learn another thing or see another friend in my community, I can still be thankful. I am thankful for this moment in my life, for this time in my life, for this season of my life. Of every season in my life, this is my favorite one. I hope I get to continue this year and eventually reach the mikvah, but if I stand before Hashem before I reach that point in my life, I will still thank him for the time that I have had to learn more about him and grow closer to him and to everyone in this amazing community. Before moving to this community, I worried that my actions would become rote and that I would just do things because I felt obligated to do them. That is not the case now and I hope it will never be the case. The more that I learn, the more that I want to learn and the more that I want to follow what I learn. Everything I do at every moment of every day has meaning, and I am so thankful for being here in this place at this moment. |
It's October 7. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions all day. I had to choose between attending an October 7 commemorative event or going to a Bar Mitzvah. I went to the Bar Mitzvah. It was nice to break from heartache to celebrate life. Watching a kid juggle fire was definitely a welcomed distraction, though I am thankful that I am not his mom. I mean, can you imagine?  It wasn't until this evening after listening to the story of Ori, who was killed after 11 months in captivity, that I started reflecting on the past year. It was exactly 365 days ago that I danced with the ladies that I danced with tonight. The big difference is that they are no longer strangers and we now share common memories. Ori has been my face of October 7th for many, many months. Knowing how he died will not change that. Part of me feels a bit guilty for ending the day feeling so blessed, but part of me just wants to relish in this feeling. I know that some people hate my decision to convert. I know that some people think that I am nuts for doing this after seeing everything has happened in the past year. My heart breaks now and has broken repeatedly over the past year. But, at the same time, my heart feels full and my life is on the right path. I can feel to my very core that what I am doing right now is right. This is my way to live. I feel so blessed that I get to wake up every morning and pray and go to sleep after praying at night. I feel so blessed that I get to pray with friends throughout the week. I feel so blessed that I get to study Torah with Rabbis and friends. I feel so blessed that I get to study halacha with Rabbis and friends. I feel so blessed that I get to read Hebrew and study the Torah in Hebrew, and read prayers in Hebrew, and understand Hebrew conversation (a little bit). I feel so blessed that my days are so full of learning and helping others that Shabbat feels always within reach and never far away. I'm going to go to bed after praying for the hostages and the soldier and all Israel still feeling blessed, because I am blessed. I love you Hashem with everything I am. |
| Rosh Hashana just ended and Yom Kipper is coming up. It was my second Rosh Hashana. I ate lunches and dinners with people that I met one ago on this holiday. My host who did not know me at all (nor I her) and had opened her home to me for the holiday last year has become a good friend whom I love dearly. I have spent time looking back over the past month at the previous year, but it did not hit me the depth of the change in my life until this holiday. When I sat at tables of friends who were strangers a year ago. When I prayed with friends who didn't know I existed a year ago. When I hugged and celebrated with friends who I never knew that I would know and love so much like family. When I was able to do non-Jewish things that others couldn't do and my friends were surprised because they had forgotten that I wasn't a Jew. When I walked home late every night at 11:30 or midnight to my own apartment. And when I was reminded that on this holiday one year ago that October 7 was decreed and that in a short 10 days from that date, life would change forever for every living Jew all over the world. One year ago my life was decreed to change so drastically. I have a new job. I live in a new city. I attend the most amazing synagogue. I have the most amazing community. I have new friends that I love so much and have said goodbye to so many that I loved. One year ago my life was so different. Two years ago, my life was on the verge of change. Three years ago, my life is unrecognizable. Who was I even back then? I don't know that woman anymore, and I never want to go back. What was decreed for my life for the next year? What are my blessings going to be? What are my struggles going to be? What will be the fate for all mankind over the next year? What will become of the hostages? I cannot even speculate. I never thought that I would be where I am sitting right now with my life how it is at this moment. The great, the good, the bad, and the worst is all decided for the next year. All I can do is trust Hashem. My last year was a lesson in bitachon. What will this year's lesson be? I did struggle with one thing over the holiday. During holidays, no technology can be used. That meant that my cell phone was off for three days. One of those three days was my daughter D2's birthday. I wanted to turn on my phone and call her to wish her a happy birthday. I didn't turn on my phone and call until after the holiday and after Shabbat. She wasn't upset because she knew I didn't forget about her. It was really hard for me to not pick up the phone and call her, or turn on my computer and send her a quick message. It certainly isn't always easy being observant. That is for sure. Shana Tova and Shavua Tov to all my Jewish friends who read this. May this year bring you (everyone reading this) joy, blessings, and positive life changes. |
| I had a rough week. Not because of any particular event, and honestly, I don't know if it was all mental from not benching properly last Shabbat. I admit that I feel much better that I have benched properly. I'm hoping that I have a better week because of it. I emailed my dean with the holiday times that I will not be able to work. This week is Rosh Hashana. I will not be working Thursday or Friday. He did not seem happy to have the list. The month of October is the high holidays and most Thursdays and Fridays I will need to take off work. I'm hoping this isn't going to be a problem, because I like my job and don't want to have to quit. I've continued attending classes, with the Rabbi who jokes, going over The Shabbos Kitchen by Rabbi Simcha Bunim Cohen. I started studying The Laws of B'rachos by Rabbi Binyomin Forst with a guy from my Hebrew class who is converting also. We are not in the same state, so we study over the phone. I had a friend come look at my kitchen set up and see if it was set up well for keeping kosher. I wanted to know if there was anything that I was missing or if there was anything that I needed to fix. I seemed to have done well. I was told that I did well and given some helpful tips. I love my friends here. They are wonderful people. I knew that moving here wouldn't make converting easier and I would have more learning to do, but I'm starting to feel like I did in college where all I do is work and study and get very little sleep. I'm tired. I want more time to study so I'm sacrificing time that I need to spend lesson planning to get it more time in. I haven't had time to bake much, and I miss baking bread. I need to find my balance. I have not found it yet. |
| It's been days since I went to dinner at a community member's house for the start of Shabbat. However, after a lovely evening and great food, I messed up. No one knows it except me. It is all that I can think about. The guilt is overwhelming. Why do I feel so guilty about this? It was late when we finished dinner. I was extremely tired as was everyone else there. Kids were passed out in various rooms of the house. I didn't know the people very well, and I could tell they were ready to go to bed or to the next community even (at 11pm!). They had benchers (prayer books for after dinner) on the table. I grabbed one along with everyone else. The only problem is that it was all in Hebrew. I can read Hebrew, yes, but slowly. It felt as though everyone was staring at me and wanted me to hurry and finish. There was no way that I could have finished doing the Grace After Meals prayer in such a short time. I skimmed some sections. I thought about what it was saying, because I knew what it was supposed to be saying, but I didn't do it all. I sometimes get busy doing things after I eat and run out of time to do the Grace After Meals, but I can't remember the last Shabbat that I didn't pray the Grace After Meals properly. I can't eat without thinking about it. I can't pray without thinking about it. I know that I am not going to feel better until after I do it properly this Shabbat. Why do I still feel guilty about it? Maybe because Shabbat is such a holy day and means so much. Maybe because I know I should have done better. Whatever the reason, I hope I never do it again, because this feeling stinks. |
| A day doesn't go by that either I clear up a misconception or start to question everything I know about something. I think I need to understand the difference between what is a Torah commandment and what is a custom for that particular thing. One example is lighting candles. I have been lighting candles to usher in the Shabbat (or turning on battery operated ones) for more than a year now. As far as I knew, women were the main ones to light candles (unless a man lived alone). I always thought we were supposed to light two candles whether married or unmarried (one for you and one for your soulmate). I even read articles about lighting two candles in your dorm room. Recently, I have heard and seen that only one candle should be lit by a single woman and she only lights two after being married. Even after getting divorced, she never lights less candles than the previous Shabbat. In both cases, lighting another candle after having a child is an optional custom, and the more children a married couple has, the more candles are lit. This just leads me to even more questions because I am a convert. I am divorced. I have four children. However, once I finish my conversion, I am told that it is the same as being a newborn child. My children will not be halachically mine (even though they will be physically and mentally). Does that mean I should light one candle? Should I light 5 candles? Should I light 2 candles? Then there is the new question of where to light. If I am not going to be home for Shabbat dinner, do I light where I am eating, or do I light at home and go to dinner? I always thought that lighting should be done over where you are going to eat Shabbat dinner as part of bringing in the Shabbat, even if that was not at home. I have learned that others think differently. Why is something that seems so simple now so complicated? |
| Imagine one day you wake up and the flower garden that you enjoyed yards away from your home is suddenly a concrete bomb shelter. This is the reality in Israel. One artist Elyasaf Miara missed the beautiful flowers that were once there, and so, he decided to do something about it. That one painting of the bomb shelter in his hometown became a full time job. He now goes around the country painting bomb shelters. https://www.youtube.com/@elyasafmiara3934/videos I feel selfish for missing the country, but I do. I miss the flowers everywhere and the over abundance of trees and animals. I miss houses that look different and are spread far apart, or are tiny little structures overlooking a lake. I try to imagine what it would be like for the little bit of beauty that I have here in the city to be gone. There were women who survived October 7 who spoke. One woman left the area with her children and took her single mother neighbor with her as part of her family. Her nephew and brother-in-law did not make it out alive. Another woman hid with her 9 year-old daughter who has been battling anxiety attacks and nightmares. When she said, "I knew that I had to be strong for her and assure her that everything would be okay. Because I had to." I knew that she would be okay. That is a phrase that every mother who has gone through trauma with her children has said, and has done. These people didn't just take the phrase "Never give up" and live by it. They transformed it into "I refuse to give up and will do all I can to help you keep going too." Listening to their stories was truly inspiring. If we are to surround ourselves with the people that we wish to emulate, then I know that I am in the right place. I see kindness in so many actions. I see love, concern, and care for one another on a daily basis. They are also so giving of their most precious commodity, time. There is no place that I would rather be on earth than right here, right now. My heart is full. |
| This week flew by and every day I had something that just made me happy to be living here in this community. I am amazed by these people that I have met. Not just by the friends that I talk to and can't wait to see, but also by others that I know their face. The amount of giving of one's time, the amount of encouragement that I get to see, the real heartfelt care for one another makes me glad that I made this decision to move here. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I continue to go to classes and learn. I'm still in the conversion process and anything can happen now or when my conversion is complete. I don't know. I can't plan for what I don't know. I do know that no matter what happens in the future and where I end up, I am so thankful and feel blessed every day to have been led here and have had the chance to witness these moments of love and support for one another and even for strangers visiting. One of my friends, who is a wonderful person, looked at every store she went to for an item that I could not find. After a few stores, I had already given up finding it, but she became determined to find it for me. She found it and bought it, and was so happy that she found the item that I had been wanting. It takes an amazing person to go out of their way like that for someone. What really got me this week didn't even happen to me. I was listening to a guy from Israel speak about his job of painting bomb shelters. While caught up in his story, I noticed a guy ask for a cold glass of water. When it was delivered to him, he got up from his table and gave it to the speaker (who was standing in the middle of the room with no way to get a glass on his own). It was such a small gesture that showed compassion and care for another person. This is the type of thing I see almost every day here. The care and compassion for one another is an every day event and it is genuine. I can honestly say that I so thankful for this time in my life. It may be exhausting on some days to work full time during the day and study during the evenings and keep up with my children's lives, but I am always going to be thankful for this time right now. I have never felt so at home in a place as I do here in this apartment with these friends and with this community. Do I miss my friends and my old job? Absolutely, but I like my new job, and I love my new home, and I love my friends here, and I love my community. I love that I get to join in the events that I missed out on for the past year because of the distance I lived away. I love that I get to make memories both small and large. I love that I get to still be me and learn and grow closer to G-d with so many great people to offer advice and answer questions. It was hard when I moved to let go of what I had. I'm so thankful that I trusted G-d and did. Thank you Hashem for this moment, for this day, and for this time in my life. I love you. |
| Sometimes, I have no idea how things work out the way that they do, but G-d definitely has a hand in everything. When I started coming to this community (that I now live in), I had no idea how I was going to be able to afford the gas to come every week. I just knew that I had to. Something would happen the few times that I didn't think I would be able to come because of money, and I was able to. When I knew I had to move here, I didn't know I was going to be able to afford the move or how I could afford to be able to pay rent and to eat. I won't lie. Moving here was expensive, but let me tell you something that hit me in the middle of praying in the synagogue this morning. Right before the reading of the Torah, (page 223 in my Siddur) the prayer starts with a blessing. In this prayer, it says, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." Last week we had a huge storm that took out the power. I was without power for three days. I threw away a large amount of food. Kosher food is not cheap. I didn't worry too much because I had plenty of mac & cheese and pancake mix in the cupboard. Eating on that was no big deal for a couple of weeks, because I could eat a salad and cholent at shul on Shabbat after davening. That line brought me to tears (which I held back because I didn't want to look like a blubbering idiot or have to explain why I was crying), because I had worried about not having my basic needs met when I was moving here. I have lived in my new apartment for six weeks (have had my keys for over seven). I have paid three months rent on two different apartments (over $8000), have covered every expense: books for studying for conversion, new classroom supplies, gas to go back and forth between apartments and cities, moving expenses (including renting a van and carpet cleaning), regular bills, and food. I have paid all my bills, and I have not gone hungry once (except when I was too busy and forgot to eat - my fault, not G-d's). I have already replaced food in my fridge. Not all of it, but most of it. I was told that if G-d wanted me to convert, he would help me move. I, of course believed that to be true. There is a difference, however, between knowing something to be true and watching it happen before you eyes. I have worked on my trust (Bitachon) and faith emunah) for over a year and let every coincidental event that helped me get here to this community be my fuel to keep going. There is nothing "coincidental" about having to pay over $8000 for rent in addition to extra expenses. There is nothing "coincidental" about losing power and throwing away hundreds of dollars of food and being able to replace it. There is nothing "coincidental" about seeing every need that I have be filled, paying every bill, never going hungry (again, except when I forget to eat), and still not being penniless. This line hit me with me new meaning today, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." It has never been so clear that G-d is taking care of me than it has been these past 7 weeks. I have stressed and had conversations with G-d and with friends for months about how I needed to move here and how I had no idea how I could afford it as a poor single parent living on a teacher's salary. Every penny that I have had in my bank account has been from working. I earned it. Every penny that I have spent has been from my own bank account. There is no "coincidence" that anyone can claim occurred. How then did I have the money to do all of this? I have worked extra hard and extra long, and left the rest up to G-d. I could see today how he has kept me fed. When I worked so long that I wasn't sure what I was going to eat because I was too tired to cook (not because I didn't have food), someone invited me to dinner (every time, no lie). When I wasn't sure how I was going to afford next week's bills, my check included pay that I thought wasn't going to be paid for another month. He has fed me. He has sustained me. There have been times in this conversion process that have been overwhelming. There have been times that I have been in awe and wonder. There are many times that I was in this city and asked G-d, "Are you sure you really want me here?" and then there are times that I just trusted him. I have never seen G-d work on such a massive scale as he has over the past three months. He has turned my prayer from, "If this is what you want for my life, I am trusting you" to, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." Once again, G-d, your love have moved me to tears. Thank you for all you have done for me, all that you are doing for me, and all that you will do for me. Your kindness is truly overwhelming. |
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