Dear Sunflower In Texas (neat name BTW)
I read your post and noticed you ask for suggestions Re a draft of a novella I assume Fiction / Genre = Teen (fits there) Melodrama (eh = a stretch maybe) Novella FROM INSIDE THE NUTHOUSE Part 6, Uh okay.
I checked genre while reading the item.
A. Punctuation = firm
B. Grammer, watch verb contention. We tend to over do verbs, had checked = checked
(unless it the 1800's and had taken = took
Sunflowere, you'll surely see any on future edits for yourself
C. A gripe. Title not worthy of what follows. Coffee House, Santa Clause House, Pancake House. Nut House these days means cashews & peanuts. But I saw you meant
mental health facility and sure that's even fancy for me.
Please show no alarm, Ms Sunflower. I just want to suggest a few major clarifications that will send you to a publisher easier. Again, I'm sure you'd pick up on them also, but maybe these will save you time for those hours we spend over a work we already know by heart.
Mrs Sheldon ? First person narrator, is she? Not exposed to other portions of the story, perhaps re-cap and bring that to the start of Part 6.
Now the boys: David, Gabriel, Jay. When they switch houses for the summer, I re-read, almost underlined for clairy. MY MAIN HINT .... use last names. So if say Jay is at David's. Jay's at The Grizwalds (my eg) Hold on sweet cakes, I've a lot of notes here. Thank you, dear author for your patience.
Drop Rockwell ref the way you have it, plainly re-think it.
The Fonz == brings it out for me, leather jacket et all.
<> <> Those were the days, my friend <> <>
In a Perfect Place. Use the slang. I am a big believer in slangy phrases. We all talk in them, no sense acting above good old slang or slang like phrases. Shows realism.
Setting === Please give me some Texas, architecture, anything.
partake of nicotine == smoke. Highfalutin opposite of basic, down to earth
"Beautiful Mind" quote adequate. Never forget to include a source.
more stout = sure "stouter" weird word innit?
Are you okay. Miss Texas Sunflower ? Like birthing a baby, innit? We're almost out of the ballpark, dearier.
This Shelton's age ??? (one telling the story, running her own show) has an affliction, sweaty palms, inability to articulate consistantly sometimes, has a past spent in one of em nut houses, loony bins. (Oh believe it, my items breath jokey terms, from Teff = a given.)
Anyway, any parent who wants to can take offence with, busy-body Shelton.
BECAUSE: Is it not she who incarcerates the 2 boys. BECAUSE of this sentence: "His (Gabe's) parents thought I had taken (took) matters into my own hands and had checked their son into a mental institution."
Noh?!
When in fact it turns out, the protagonist (rt?) thought this was a === "place to chill" Yikes! Holy Toledo, ma'am.
With " (they the boys / teens) Needed?
"To deal with issues about life in this world."
Research added: List of symptoms for SCHIZOPHRENIA.
Action thriller, don't see. Leading somewhere else ... then this is intriguing.
Best of Luck in all your writing, dear Author. Cordially, Teff
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