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226
226
Review of First Flight  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
Poor Jackson is ready for his first flight, and even though the stewardess tries to put him at ease, telling him flying is safer than driving, his eventful ride to the airport only makes him more nervous. I could picture him being scared as he boarded the plane with the descriptions you used.

What stood out ~
Good visuals of his death grip on the hand rests as the plane took off, pressing upon the point that this first flight isn't something he looked forward to at all. His seat mate was funny with his little comment about flying be boring, a total contrast to what Jackson is going through. Good job getting all of this into a short piece for the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge.

Personal Impressions ~
When the captain made his announcement I was wondering where this piece was headed. A crash? An announcement that there's a problem already and they will be turning around. It was so funny to find out that the screaming over the intercom was all caused by a cup of piping hot coffee in the captain's lap. Ouch! But even funnier still was poor Jackson. Not only were his words cracking me up, but the thought of what his poor seat mate must be thinking as he comments to what the captain had to say with a little tidbit of his own. Classic! Nicely done and under the word contest word count. Write On!

This would be my name.
227
227
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
A newlywed couple is finding it difficult to find time together. Susie goes to her mother for advice and her mother suggests going to church on Jake's one day off from work. After agreeing to try out to be youth ministers, the couple find out how difficult abstinence can really be.

What stood out ~
I loved Jake's descriptions of why they only made it through 29 days. Each description or shall I say excuse, had me laughing. Isn't it always the littlest of things that tend to push us on?

Things to work on ~
"No, No we were okay, -- you used the No, No twice. I think either it should be No, no - or No. No we were okay. The caps together that way don't look right.

Personal Impressions ~
Cute story. If fidgeting is a way to show a lack of sex, then man I really need to be paying more attention to my surroundings! I liked how the best to distract Jake was to hit the grocery store, as everything Susie seemed to be doing at home was only making it worse for him. I had a nice visual of the pair dashing out of the story not being able to stand it for one more minute. I laughed every time Jake gave the Pastor more insight into the reasons why they couldn't hold out any longer. And especially that they are no longer welcome at the grocery store. Solid story. Write on!

This would be my name.
228
228
Review of Double Wide  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
Ah a real trip to the Walmart. Nobody does it better from what I've witnessed myself and you made that point very clear. The poem had good flow and the rhyme scheme from one stanza to the next were spot on.

What stood out ~
I must say there was a lot that caught my attention. The imagery of those leopard print leggings with a neon green thong screaming out from beneath is still sitting in my mind and I can't get the image out! Once I finished reading, and laughing I noticed the picture you included for this poem and that delivered as well.

Things to work on ~
I could find nothing that should be changed. The entire poem worked as the story unfolded of how he found his double-wide.

Personal Impressions ~
I am still laughing over the last stanza. You incorporated the perceptions for Rednecks wonderfully. Good comedic timing throughout. I'm still surprised he abandoned his cart of beer, so she really must have been something. One little trip to the store and it turned into a lifelong relationship. Stranger things have happened. One never knows what one will find on a trip to Walmart. For you found the inspiration to write and share this unique poem. I don't think I will be forgetting this one any time soon. Now that's staying power! Nicely done. Write on!

This would be my name.
229
229
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*NoteV* Story ~
Adam wakes and finds he cannot get out of his room no matter how hard he tries. The door won't budge, the windows are stuck, he has no phone, and his neighbors prefer to pretend like no one else lives in the building.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Emma is the little girl who appears and helps Adam figure out what's going on. She's miserable, with a sense of humor and doesn't beat around the bush at all. Very direct for a child, which is very refreshing. Adam is stunned to learn of his fate. He asks the right questions, but Emma can only give him so much in the form of an answer, directing him to his path. The pair form a slight friendship because of their circumstances, Adam giving Emma something she hasn't had in a long time, someone who shows an interest in her for a change.

*NoteV* Issues ~
The absence of a lock made it fair to guess that the door led into and adjoining room instead of a public hallway.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
Intriguing tale about death and the afterlife, asking all of the right questions, but not being able to answer them fully. How much does one believe, and if the things one believes happens after death is really how it is? You have two strong characters that made it easy to become engrossed in the tale. The added elements of humor helped to make this story memorable as well. It definitely gets you thinking, wondering about what comes next. Thanks for sharing this one. I really enjoyed it. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
230
230
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Charlie lives with Ben, who fixes clocks for a living. Ben comes home and begins to tell him a tale of the richest man in London being locked in his house and in need of rescuing. Ben relays the tale as he collects his tools and asks Charlie to take notes because he thinks it will be a good story.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Ben and Charlie have a nice, steady, and humorous rapport. Charlie does tend to be annoyed with all of the tools and clock parts that clutter the apartment. They are funny pair, excited about things as they speak with each other. Charlie tends to interrupt Ben when he tells a story, and Charlie's inner dialog was perfect, adding to the dynamics of the story.

*NoteV* Issues ~
But leaving aside the all the grand adventures and capital the air fleet represented
~~This was the only issue I found. The only thing I would mention would be the over use of exclamation points. Other than that, the story had great flow and descriptions.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
I enjoyed this story. You had enough going on that pulled me in as a reader and makes me want to read the next chapter. The time period worked well. The dialog took me back to that place and time. I loved the humor you incorporated into the story. You described Ben very well, I could picture him frenzied going through what he would need to go rescue the family trapped inside their house. A little suspense going on as well. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
231
231
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Three friends sit on their usual park bench talking after college finals. On occasion they don't to seem to have a lot in common, but I've discovered how wrong my as
{c}

*NoteG* Characters ~
Johnny's character is newly introduced. He's a basketball player, good enough to have dreams of playing in the NBA, but his skills when it comes to school are at the bottom of the totem pole. Tim is back, mostly paying attention to what's being said and giving Johnny an ego boost.

*NoteV* Issues ~
Don't think I failed but I don't think I scored to too high either."

I think your sentence structure could use some work. Some are too long, and there is overuse of the ellipsis'. You can do without most of them.

*NoteG* Impressions ~
I wondered with Tim and Johnny looked like. I did get good insight into their personalities, but not enough detail to have a good picture in my mind for either of them.

I liked that Johnny stepped up to help T. There's nothing like getting honest feedback from the ones closest to us. You have all you need to really make this an intriguing story. Remember to try and picture the scene, write the things that are going on around your main character. You have your characters thoughts down. What about their mannerisms? How do they react with things that being said by their peers? Adding all of these little elements into your story. When you switch from one character talking to the next, remember to use a new paragraph letting your reader know there's a change coming with someone speaking.
{c}.
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
232
232
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Two friends sit on a park bench mulling over life and discussing how random things that happen in the world are.

*NoteG* Characters ~
Tim likes to ponder everything going on around him, tries to dig deep and figure out if there are patterns or not. T has a sense of humor, but loves to try and prove Tim wrong, if possible, and goes out the way to do so.

*NoteV* Issues ~
"Everything. It’s all random." Still fixated on whatever he was looking at "You see them over there?" He pointed to the old couple. <--this can go one of two ways. ," he said still fixated...or ...whatever he was looking and said, "You see

[line break]"Yeah, I see em', what does that have to do with random?"

"Just look at them, they're so happy together and they've probably been together for a long
Time, I bet they think they're <--no cap on Time and it the sentence is broken up.

"Ok, you're probably right about that one but, I don't see <--comma goes before 'but'

he turned back to look at the old couple <--capitalize He

*NoteG* Impressions ~
It's an interesting concept. Writing conversations can be a little bit difficult. Think about adding more dialog tags as well as T's thoughts on things. Does T react to what Tim is saying? Show that. What's the weather like? Is the grass dying or a vibrant green. use description to really pull your reader in so that they can picture the scene as if it were playing out like a movie in their mind. You have five senses you can incorporate into your writing. The more you add, the more well rounded the story becomes.
{c}
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
233
233
Rated: E | (5.0)
*NoteV* What worked ~
I loved this interview with Lyn's a Witchy Woman Author IconMail Icon. It is clear you'd done your homework and knew enough about her to ask some interesting questions as well as getting feedback from her that was solid.
*ThumbsUpL*



*NoteV* Impressions ~
Through your interview questions I realized I learned so much about her that I didn't know about. She was very open and honest, didn't beat around the bush about anything, when she could have. I love the quote, 'dance like no one's watching." How insightful this must have been for you to get an in depth look into someone from writing.com. We always find people on site that we click with, chat with, but how often do we really take the time to get to know them on a deeper, more personally level? You did that with your clear questions that left room for more than just a few words for response. I liked that you didn't just tell us what activities Lyn was into, but linked everything so that anyone through the interview had easy access and could check out the activities if they chose to do so. My only complaint was that I found myself wanting to know more, which is always a good thing! Thanks for keeping this in your port so that others can catch a glimpse into Lyn's world.

And if I forgot to say it earlier on my last review...Happy 15 Years on WdC!!! Enjoy your special day.


"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?- !
234
234
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*NoteV* What worked ~
Emotional piece about abuse, not an easy thing to write about so kudos to you for going for it. Movies have a tendency to portray the happily every after, which isn't always a bad thing. But it gives us expectations of what our romantic lives should entail, which makes relationships even more difficult sometimes. It's difficult for people in abusive situations to not blame themselves for the actions of their abusers. I was glad to see that you pointed that out, and had your main character reassure herself that she wasn't at fault.
*ThumbsUpL*


*NoteG* What didn't ~
There is an inconsistency with where she is. The story begins with her in the bathroom, but it's never clear she's left there until she's out of the house. There are moments where you can add to the physical and emotional pain of your main character, why she decides that today is the day she is standing up for herself. Giving your main character a name makes a connection with your reader.

*NoteV* Impressions ~
I liked the new rules your main character impressed upon herself for future relationships, never a bad thing in my opinion. She had the strength to walk out, to see the way things were going, what she wanted, and what she didn't. As for Prince Charming, I think our perception of him could be changed. Write on!


"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
235
235
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Part One:
It was hard to care about your couple, or get into the action of what was taking place between them. Sometimes the flow is smooth, and it's easy to follow, and then things skip ahead and it becomes jarring. You excel at descriptions, but because much of the story is told, it falls flat.

Part Two:
You gave enough reasons for why your second couple have things standing in between them before they take this huge step in their relationship.

Erotic Elements:
This began with Ted stroking up her leg in caresses that vibrated all through Sonia, which was good. In the very next sentence, somehow, she has already passed climax. I'm not saying climax cannot happen that quickly, what I am saying is that if you are going to write about it, you need to slow the scene down, and SHOW your reader what is happening, step by step. There is no pay off if we are told it happened and we don't get to watch the climb unfold.

Suggestions:
Yours:
Ted takes a moment to look at Sonia and all he can think about is taking her clothes off and his mind is made up. Before, Sonia could say anymore, Ted pulls out the blanket they packed for their picnic in the middle of the clearing, he sweeps Sonia off her feet and places her on the blanket lying down. Continuing where they left off with a kiss Ted runs his fingers up her leg, Sonia lets out a squeal of pleasure while she digs her nails into Ted’s back, saying breathlessly, “Ted your fingers are sending vibrations through my body.”

Example:
Ted stares at Sonia, his eyes trailing down her well-toned body and all he can think about is what lies beneath that dress. He knows all too well how her breasts are still perky, and that one sweep of his thumb over her nipple and it will turn hard instantly. He knows that if he lets his mouth wander down her chest to her stomach, that Sonia will moan his name by the time he reaches her bellybutton. He swallows hard, the growing bulge in his pants making it impossible to be this far away from her. Before Sonia could say anymore, Ted pulled out the blanket they packed for their picnic. He sweeps Sonia off her feet and places her on the blanket, gently lying her down. Continuing where they left off with a kiss Ted runs his fingers up her leg in a feather light caress, up and down, inching higher to the apex of her thighs.

Other Issues:
~You do not need to include dialog tags every time someone speaks, especially when it's two people having a conversation. If you are going to include them, put your strong descriptions to good use with them.

Sonia looks at the beauty of the discovery, turns to Ted. , saying, “This place is beautiful. Did you know it was here?”

Ted looks back at Sonia with the biggest smile, replying, “No, I didn’t. This place is amazing. Be quiet for a minute, Sonia. Tell me what you hear.”

~Sometimes the tags interfere with the flow of your story. You can skip them from time to time and focus on what is happening with them and around your characters, drawing your reader more into the action of the story itself.
236
236
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Assignment:

This is the first time Santos has experienced a woman taking him by surprise, pulling away for a moment he wanted to see this woman through her eyes which is the gateway to the soul. Some clarity he felt was needed because he just met this woman and this is the first date, he did not want to take advantage of her. He can feel this rush of energy through his body, feeling like it is running through his veins. The smell of her hair reminds him of lilacs which he grows on his property. At this moment he has decided that there is such a thing as fate which certain people are meant to be together.<<--this entire paragraph is told like a third person commentator when it starts, before switching to Santos. They are in the middle of a pivotal scene, but it isn't active. For instance, think about the first sentence being active like: They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and looking into hers, being almost consumed by the intensity he found there had him believing it. He could hardly look away, nor did he want to, because in that moment, he could see right into her very being.


Santos brushes a stray piece of wavy red hair from Jade’s face, while looking into her eyes, he says, “Jade, have you heard of the twin flame?”

“No. What is it?”

“From the research I have done, it is the most intense relationship you can have with anyone. I want to know everything about you. It seems crazy that I hardly know you except,” taking

Jade’s hand he kisses it while looking in her eyes in the emotional connection, he continues, “I feel words do not satisfy the true feelings, I am having difficulty expressing things that are meant to be felt.” This is a bit choppy. I believe taking was supposed to be with this paragraph as well. Santos takes her hand and kisses it, all the while still lost in her eyes. Write that. Write what her hand feels like in his, pressed to his lips, etc. Watch the overuse of the word feel/felt, instead of saying it, show it.

“I feel like I am on a high which seems to go on and on. When I look into your eyes, I am not sure how this is even possible, it is like I can see a part of myself within you. Does that make any sense? Is this part of the twin flame thing, you mentioned earlier?” Twinflames/twinsouls are a huge concept. If she's never heard of it before, you need to give a better explanation of it. It makes no sense to have her get it immediately and believe he's the other half of her soul.

A wave of happiness like no other has found Santos in the most happiest state he has ever been in. He replies, “Yes. It is what I read. To experience it, I believe this may be it. I like how you express how you feel with me openly, you have a way words and I like it. Santos has the biggest perma smile on his face, he feels like a teenager again.

As Santos goes in for another kiss, he stops to admire her skin on her beautiful face. She is not wearing any makeup, with his finger, he touches her from her forehead down her nose, trailing her cheeks, and back to her lips, her skin is so soft to the touch. He likes the white tank top she is wearing with an elephant on the front with her black capris, and silver sandals; curious about why she does not wear any jewelry.

Connecting with her lips for the second time, he can taste the mint on her breath as he is opening his mouth to her. His intention is to be gentle and take his time, he feels lost in the depths where only Jade and himself exist and his need to express how he feels is strong and over powering him; there is no thinking, only feeling each other. His arms wrap around Jade in close to him feeling her closeness against him. His hands are running through her fire-red wavy hair which she wears loose down to her shoulders with a part in the middle. Thoughts are running through his head about many things he would like to do with Jade which he cannot in a public place. Gently nipping at her lips, he says breathlessly, “Can I take you to dinner? I want to get to know you better and what better way than to have some food and conversation.”

Sounding just as breathless as Santos, Jade replies, “I would like that.”

~~If there is excitement Santos feels being with Jade, show that. Like the sentence you used that starts...thoughts are running through his head about...try something like...thoughts race through his mind about the things he would like to do with Jade if they weren't in a public place....make it current, in the moment, show your reader that. Telling the entire story this way keeps your reader on the outside. You want your reader to identify with your characters and feel as if they are part of the action.
237
237
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Part One:
You have a great grasp of your characters for this class. There is enough information for you to work from for the rest of the lessons. Looking forward to see what you have in store for the four of them.

Part Two:
You have the emotions from Jade narrowed down well. A lot of what you wrote is told.

Suggestions:
Yours:
Jade walks over to Santos and while he is still drinking from the fountain, she drinks from the fountain as well. Slowly, moving her lips to his for the first time, she can see the surprised look on his face, which is a welcoming look and encourages her to continue. Water is dripping down both their faces while the feeling in Jade urges her to take her tongue licking the water from his lips, slowly at first. She feels the burning passion of desire for this man running through her veins, when their lips meet it is an explosion of desire expands she welcomes it within her. Their lips seem to be made for each other, his lips fitting perfectly on her mouth, she feels alive in this moment.

Example:
Jade walks over to Santos while he is still drinking from the fountain. She bends down and shares the cool stream of water with him, her eyes glued to him, wondering how he will react to her being so forward. Slowly, moving her lips to his for the first time, she can see the surprised look on his face, which is welcoming and encourages her to continue. Water is dripping down both their faces, and the urge to lick the water from his lips overwhelms her. Unable to stop herself, she juts out her tongue and catches the water on his chin, moving up toward his awaiting lips. Burning passionate desire for this man swamps her sense, pulsing through her veins. When their lips meet it is an explosion of expanding hunger she welcomes Their lips seem to be made for each other, his fitting perfectly on her mouth. In this one moment, she is alive.

Other Issues:
"Jade! Hi, it is so glad to see you."~~so good to see you?

She watches his how his ebony black hair keeps falling in his face because of the wind.


~~Think about making the story more active and enticing to your reader. You are writing from your characters point of view, from their perspective. Picture yourself in their shoes. Include what they feel, see, hear, smell, taste, etc. Telling about it doesn't let your reader enjoy what your characters experience. Adding detail, slowing these pivotal scenes down bring your reader into the story and along for the same ride.

238
238
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
PLOT -
Rebecca tries hard to reach her husband, but he doesn't answer. He walks through the house as if in a daze, going through the motions, but never speaks a word.


SETTING -
I could picture what was happening throughout the story. I did wonder how Rebecca truly felt at this point. Was she worried or frustrated? Or was it just her will to reach her husband that kept that pleasant demeanor pushing through? The opening scene with the mountains and sunrise was picture perfect.


CHARACTERS -
Ted is living in silence and Rebecca is determined to do whatever it takes to reach him again.His partner, Jim can't seem to pull him back either, but a little information seems to pique Ted's curiosity. It is easy to see how much Rebecca loves her husband by the tenderness she shows him.


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -{c:grape
This one left me with questions. Why doesn't he speak? What exactly happened to Ted to make him shut down this way? I did like that there was a smile and tears at the end, which leads me to believe he's listening to all that's being said and just maybe hope is still alive that he won't shut down completely.


{center}~~~Please remember the comments and suggestions are my personal opinion. If you disagree with anything I've said, toss it out. Take the things that work for you! Happy writing!!~~~


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New Siggie by Mari.
{/center}
239
239
Review of My Angel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT -
Joanne recalls the horrible day her beloved left her. She doesn't sleep well, and cannot stop thinking about Christian.


SETTING -
You described the scene about the accident in great detail that I could picture it playing out. There were good elements in regards to the intruder being in the house, as well as when the Angel appears to lend a hand.


CHARACTERS -
I felt disconnected from Joanne. She is your main character, yet she is detached from the emotions of the situation she in. I wondered about the loss, the heartache it caused her, and then the terror of finding an intruder in her home. These emotions didn't come through for me.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
~When more police finally arrived on the scene I refused to be let go and had to literally be dragged from his still warm body.
~Although a smile lingered on my lips.~~this is a fragment


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
Loss is a very powerful emotion. It can be paralyzing, can grip your heart so tight sometimes it's impossible to breathe, to think, makes you lose focus. It can plague your mind and keep you from functioning at certain times. Just like the fear of confronting a stranger in your own home can make you tremble with fear, or freeze in place. I wanted to connect with Joanne, to feel what she was going through, to identify with all that was happening in the story you have created.

For instance: She realizes Christian is there, saving her. Think about the overwhelming emotions that would rob you of breath, the tears, the fight of your mind trying to his presence, being overjoyed to feel his touch after so long a time. Slowing down the scenes to incorporate the emotional aspects of the story you have would really add a layer of depth and capture your readers undivided attention.



~~~Please remember the comments and suggestions are my personal opinion. If you disagree with anything I've said, toss it out. Take the things that work for you! Happy writing!!~~~


*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*



New Siggie by Mari.
240
240
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
PLOT -
Jackie finds an old photo and begins a search with the hep of her friend Rhonda to find the owner. Their discovery leads to a heartwarming story to reunite a family.


SETTING -
There wasn't a lot of descriptive elements in this one, but there was a lot of detail when it came to the background story of the picture itself.


CHARACTERS -
Jackie and Rhone are life long friends that love a good mystery. They both like finding things and searching for the answers. Finding the picture and going in search of the three children that were in it connects both women with a family and new friendships are formed.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
~Hurrying along Maxwell Street toward The Daily Star.~ this is a fragment, combine it with the following sentence to complete it.
~On closer inspection, she saw that it was a photo caught in the grate and walked over to gently pulled it loose.
~"Sorry Jackie, I have to take another call, but I'll get back to meyou on this."
~"No problem, I loved doing it, Rhonda,"
~It was quite a surprise and a shock to see this picture on the front page of The Daily Star!~~earlier in the story you mentioned it was published on page six.


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
There was a lot going on in this short story. It had me wondering about Jackie and Rhonda's reactions during the conversations. I was a little surprised how much information Alfred willing shared during a phone call. Perhaps having Rhonda ask a few questions during the phone conversation that prompted him to tell his story would make it feel rushed. This was a feel good story, of finding family again. Even though Susan never gets to connect with her birth mother, she does get to learn about her through her grandfather and aunt. The twins came off as sweet and smart for their age, an endearing quality.

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*

New Siggie by Mari.
241
241
Review of Calypso  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
PLOT -
An interesting tale weaved from Greek lore into the present time. Calypso is in need of rescue and only one man can help her, so she enters his dreams to reach him, which sets him onto a course of action.


SETTING -
There were some good descriptive elements, like Ajax reaching out to take Calypso's hand, but his went right through her spirit body. The scene with the receptionist at the job interview was well written, I could picture that easily.


CHARACTERS -
Ajax decides that his dreams are real and goes in search at the library to get the answers he seeks to help Calypso and Echo.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
What was it that she had said about Zeus and Hera’s wedding?

~The long sections of dialog need some descriptive elements thrown in along the way. Not just a moan, or a sigh, but your main characters actual thoughts as the conversation unfolds. Knowing what Ajax thinks and feels gives your reader a greater sense of who they are and what they want.

For example. I'm just going to add a few things to what you have to give you an idea of what I'm talking about.
Yours:
“Am I that hero?”

“Yes,” replied Calypso.

“Yes,” echoed Echo.

“Well, what must I do?” asked Ajax.

“Propose to me,” replied Calypso.

“Propose to me,” Echo said. Her face flushed red and she covered her lips.

“What? Now? I don’t have a ring,” Ajax was caught off guard.
Suggestions:
“Am I that hero?” His mind whirled as he asked the question, even knowing what her answer would be. Him? A hero?

“Yes,” replied Calypso with a half smile.

“Yes,” echoed Echo.

“Well, what must I do?” asked Ajax.

“Propose to me,” replied Calypso.

“Propose to me,” Echo said. Her face flushed red making her cover her lips quickly as if she could hide her reaction.

Ajax gasped, closed his eyes and then stared at Calypso. “What? Now? I don’t have a ring.” All of this was moving so fast, and he knew time was running out. What would happen if he could pull this off? Would the proposal be binding? Is that something he wanted. She was just as mysterious as she was beautiful, he could easily admit that. Being around her gave him a sense of purpose, a goal that he might be able to achieve.

~Knowing how your characters feel, what they think and want, goes a long way in letting your reader identify with them and gets us rooting for them.



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
~You use Ajax's name a lot, which interrupts the flow of the story at certain sections. Since he is the main character, you can swap his name out for 'he' instead.
~There are some very short sentences that could be combined.
~I wondered about the emotional connection of your character. What did he feel? Why did he want to help her? How did he feel about having to propose to a virtual stranger? What was it like to float above the ground? To transport? Did the first transportation scare or enthrall him?

~You have a solid plot, with key elements of your story already laid out. Adding the emotional elements and showcasing your main character will really heighten your story.

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*

New Siggie by Mari.
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Review of Nelson's World  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
PLOT -

Now this was quite different, reading a story from an animals point of view. Clever. Nelson tells the tale of how the other cats and their owner/human, David interact with one another. The voice you used for Nelson was humorous at times, and also humanly.

SETTING -
Good use of descriptive elements, especially David coming home and trying to get into the house with his arms full of bags. Nelson seemed to know exactly what the contents could be and waited for his big moment to get the snacks. I also liked how the saw the other animals, and how there was that "I told you so" moment.


MY POV -
I did find this story interesting. I have never read anything quite like this before. It took me a little bit to figure out that Nelson was indeed a cat, which is never a bad thing. It kept my interest as I got further into the story and put the pieces together. The descriptions of David, how he interacted with the cats, and how he carried himself were well thought out. I could see it all from another point of view very clearly. David obviously loves his animals and likes them close, even if he may be annoyed by their quirks. Best part though was the last few lines and Nelson settles in from his strenuous day!!

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Review of The Jester  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rhythm

The Jester had good rhythm and flow throughout, nothing seemed to slow it down, or take away from where the story took the reader.

Suggestions

I'm not a poet,I dabble at best, but honestly I became caught up in the storytelling, trying to figure out who the audience was. Therefore, there is nothing negative about this piece.

Overall impression

I liked that you held out until the last few stanzas to elaborate on who the audience actually was. My thoughts as I read were that the jester may be entertaining prisoners on death row. Boy I was off! You painted not only a clear picture of the way things played out for the jester night after night, but there was powerful emotions behind the words as well. Your word choices flowed freely from line to line, and there was also some sharpness about them, gaining great impact as I read along. For someone who spends their nights putting smiles on others faces, there was a sadness to your jester, for he knew where he would still be, and where his audience would wind up. Nicely written piece of poetry. It had depth, emotion, and kept me hanging on from on stanza to the next seeking answers to the questions that came for me right away.
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Review of Brotherhood  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT -
Venn is a magician who doesn't hold much love for his brother. His brother's accomplishments far outweighs his own, and that is a hard pill for Venn to swallow. He decides he will take upon the task of killing a dragon with a magic spell and help bring about summer.


SETTING -
You had some good elements in here about the weather, the biting cold of winter and how the wind whirled around turning everything into a white out. As the dragon laid down in the cave opening, you managed to paint that vividly and I could picture it in my mind.

CHARACTERS -
Venn wants nothing more than his brothers death, and to show everyone exactly what he is capable of. The bitterness he harbors for Deric never wanes, but intensifies as the story plays out.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -

It seemed to not notice the horse or rider, and why it had not attacked him or the horse was startling~~missing 'that'...or that the hourse was startling.



MY POV -
I don't read a lot of fantasy, but you were able to capture my attention. I understood Venn's drive to finally be noticed for once in his life, to want to do something that no one thought he was capable of doing in the first place. What surprised me was that although he got what he sought, there was no elation for him. The piece was a little dark, and if that is what you were going for, then you hit that right on the head. Sometimes victory has no rewards.

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In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Characters:
Mary~ her excitement was great as she got ready to leave. She didn't seem nervous at all surrounded by Tony's family. Her demeanor quickly changes in the presence of her father. It's a nice shift that leads to questions. I am looking forward to seeing how she goes about this forbidden relationship.

Setting:
Nicely done. From Mary preparing for her date, her father trying to interrogate her before she left the house, to Tony's. The laughter, the smells from the kitchen, the lighting, all of it added to the scene and made it easy to stay with.

Sensual Elements:
She definitely has it bad for Tony. I loved how she stood watching him work in the kitchen. I could see that scene play out right in front of me. The kiss was just getting started as they were interrupted. I will have to wait until next week for that to pick up.

Overall Impression:
Great job with this couple. The scene was well written, you added the questions, the depth of emotion, how the world looks that Mary sees. Though I did wonder what her impressions of his house were, other than it being different and filled with laughter.

Suggestions:

It looks awful, she thought. And I really wanted to look nice tonight. ~dialog tag not necessary if you use italics. If you choose not to italicize internal dialog then use the 'she thought'

A silence fell between them, both lost in their own private thoughts. Tony’s eyes traveled over her blond curls, then moved down over the white summer dress that revealed the smooth, pale skin of her shoulders. His gaze stopped at her white half-heel shoes and returned to her eyes. Tony blinked and said, “Come on in.” He reached out and took her hand, leading her into the house. ~~this reads more like Tony's POV. If it is in fact Mary's, maybe put in a line of how his eyes drinking her in made her breath catch, or sent a shiver down her spine, etc.




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In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Characters:
Tony, about to graduate comes from a loving background and seems confident until he tries talking to Mary. I loved his nervousness, which shows his age and inexperience, especially with someone he likes. Mary stands out, but not by being overly done up by any means. She isn't shy about telling Tony she hoped he would finally ask her out. She is cautious about bringing him to her home.


Setting:
Great job here. Tony was well done, his feelings, his actions, that nervousness shining through as he got the courage to ask Mary out. His impression of Mary were great, how he saw her, that she intrigued him because she was different.

Sensual Elements:
It was easy to see Tony's attraction, his body language as he got near her and spoke to Mary.

Overall Impression:
Part one had good character descriptions for both characters. I liked your honesty with part two and your thoughts about both erotica and romance. Though I will say that I try to write good erotica that isn't based solely on the sexual encounter and I truly believe it can be done, lol. Part three was well written. There was enough information and interaction to gain a sense of Tony and Mary.

Suggestions:
Nothing to suggest. Can't wait until the next assignment comes in. I like that you chose younger characters to explore. First love can be such a beautiful thing!

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Review of The Exchange  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Plot:
Malikia is summoned to Dominic, though she goes as if in a trance. Upon entering his place, a ritual begins that is both powerful and sexual in nature, almost a joining of sorts.

Characters:
Malikia is young, just 18. She seems innocent, but yet willing to follow through with the ritual that will change her. Dominic, her master, is older, formidable, and yet intrigued by the mistress.

Grammar/Spelling/Repeats:

Like his surroundings, Dominic is appears massive and imposing.

Where there had been a young giirl’s}b}girl's{/b} wants was now a full grown woman’s desire.

She takes his manhood and gently massages it until his breaths comers}b}comes{/b} in gasps.

*there were a few places where her name was spelled differently, and the use of the word 'breast' I believe could have used an 's' on two occasions.

Overall Impression/Rating: 4.0
I liked the darkness that seemed to surround this. The exchange of energy ritual was done well. Great description which made it easy to follow. Just a few minor spelling errors. It was both erotic and sensual. My major suggestion would be to add a space between paragraphs to make it easier to read.


The letter "T"
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In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering Tales of Seduction.

Plot: Ned spends years in love with Lady Rose. He covets her from afar, and then he gets an unexpected invitation. Finding himself at her quarters while she's bathing is enough to make him want her more than ever. The next day they set out for a ride and find themselves alone. Ned soon discovers that his Lady Love had set this all in motion, with the intention of being intimate with him.

Characters: Lady Rose has heard from her servant about Ned and is intrigued by the stable boy. She sets out to become a woman, with a man she knows can fulfill that wish. Ned is in love, hides his feelings always hoping that one day Lady Rose will see him. When opportunity strikes, he cannot say no.

Seduction: Rose had him from the get go.

Rating/Impression: 4.5 Nice job with this prompt. It worked very well for you. The scenario you choose worked well with the paragraph prompt given.

Since you were the only entrant for this round, I'm giving you 5,000 GPs in appreciation for a well written story.





Siggie for reviews.
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In affiliation with Sensual Infusion  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering Tales of Seduction.

Plot: A husband and wife pretend to be strangers in a restaurant. The premise was fine, trying something new to rekindle the relationship, never a bad thing in my opinion. The dialog fell a little flat. Setting was in and out, but not enough to give the reader a clear view of the surroundings or the woman David was chasing after. To boldly approach a stranger and keep that conversation going, the attraction needs to be at the forefront.

Characters: David ~ says he couldn't help himself and had to approach Janet. I get that he saw something in her, also that this was their game, but the spark is missing here, the excitement of the situation. Janet ~ seemed a bit put off, and even when she lightened up, the chemistry was off.

Seduction: The premise of the seduction was there, but missed the mark.

Rating/Impression: 4.0 ~ I know where you wanted to go with this, so I'm giving you a 4. I think what's missing is being in David's head as he pursues Janet. What is he feeling? Why does he feel so strongly about it? What does he hope for? During the long dialog, or awkward silence, knowing what he's feeling, his determination, why he's attracted to Janet, etc would make him come to life and off the pages.





Siggie for reviews.
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Review of S6/A2  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Erotic Elements: The anticipation of the kiss was done well. Being in Katie's head while she thought about her wanting it to happen, and the extra care she took with getting ready put the reader in her mindset.

Suggestions:

Yours: His warm strong hands reached up and cupped her face so gently. His long fingers tracing the soft contours of her face, as he looked deeply into her eyes.

Amped Up: His warm, strong hands cupped her face with a gentleness she'd never known before one long finger began tracing the the contours of her face. Her heart pounded, picking up the pace as their eyes met and locked, the hunger growing between them.

Other Issues: Watch the repeats and try to come up with other words to describe what's going on. There were some sentences that could be combined to keep the flow in the action going.

Overall: There were some POV shifting issues, but the kiss was a hot. Nice job.



This would be my name.

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