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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of The Seven Seals  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Mark Author Icon!

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My Personal Impression

Wow. I was wowed by this story line! I really do hope you have more coming. I was pulled into this and held tight until the end.

Strengths

The tone was done well in each section to add to the effect of showing as the events progressed. The mood was established through rich imagery, effective dialogue, and active narrative. My attention truly was held tight throughout the read. At the end of each section, I was eager to read on. The use of foreshadowing in this was very effective, and most of it was accomplished through description and imagery.

I could see what the characters saw, and 'feel' what they felt. I found the characters came across as realistic and believable, and while I don't yet know who the man in the last section was, I felt like I got a good feeling of what kind of person he was. The last sentence made me eager to know who this girl with bright green eyes could be.

I really liked how you did the prologue with the telling of the history as it was read from a book while teaching. Though it did 'tell' the reader, I felt as though it was very appropriate and compelling.

The plot line moved along well. Just enough for the facts to seem realistic without giving away too much.


My Favorite Parts

The grin that broke out on her face was joy itself as she leapt up in excitement. “What can we do today? Fire, Air, Water, Earth, or…Light! Oh yes, Light! Please Master Orrick, I want to learn to heal.” The young lady jumped again. Orrick couldn’t help but laugh with her enthusiasm. He knew he could die happy knowing that the student he taught would hold true to her oaths…

This section made me smile. I could feel her excitement clearly. I also loved the last though Orrick had. It feels a lot like foreshadowing to me. *Wink* Regardless, it made me want to continue reading.

The air seems to hum as that mass of molten gold heats the black sands of the shore.

I loved this description. It was rich with imagery, and I could 'see' the sun as it heated up the black sand. Very nice.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*With him where the Sons of Orr, powerful Magi of the Earth.
I think the word 'where' was meant to be 'were'.

*Bullet* His gave a grumble and threw his hands up in frustration.
I think the first 'His' was meant to be 'He'.

*Bullet* “Arron de Ambre and Tormon De’Moras where masters of the Magical Arts;
The word 'where' should be 'were'.

*Bullet* It’s when one stops asking questions that they forget what really matters,” her instructor put a wrinkled, aged hand on the top of her head, “they forget that human life is more important than power.
When there is an action amidst dialogue, a period should be used rather than a comma.

*Bullet* Even the most advanced students were allowed to meddle in the Magical Arts until their fifth year in training.
I think 'were' was meant to be 'weren't'.

*Bullet*Her name had been disgraced during the war and ever since each child born with the ability to wield the magical arts had sworn an oath to never use the power to harm
Consider a comma after 'war' to smooth the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*When using a name or endearment as a name in a direct address, a comma should precede the name. Words such as Master and Child would be considered names when used to refer directly to someone while speaking.

*Bullet*Each grain shimmers and causes a ripple in the air, those that gazed at those ripples for to long often started to see things that where not there.
I think this would be much smoother if placed in two separate sentences. Also, the word 'to' should be 'too'.

*Bullet* Don’t think about it. He thought as he stared at the clear blue of the sapphire sky.
Consider placing a comma where the period is so that the 'he thought' i used as a tag. I think it would flow a tad bit smoother. Also, consider placing his direct thoughts in italics. There have been a few places where I had to re-read once I realized they were direct thoughts.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this was a very effective prologue and first chapter. The writing style and active narrative kept me on the edge of my seat, and the imagery made me feel as though I was there, watching the events unfold. A bit of editing, and this will easily be a five star piece. If you decide to edit, please let me know. I would love to come back and re-rate it accordingly. *Smile* I hope to read more soon.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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127
127
Review of Kunti  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, oscines Author Icon!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

I found this piece on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..
*Smile*


My Personal Impression

Wow! I'm really taken back by this poem, and it's in a good way. I am not sure about Kunti, I have never heard the legend, but there is a ton of meaning to be found in this even without that knowledge.

Tone & Mood

The tone came across as mysterious, and I think it worked well with the content to help set a mood of oppression and suffering. Well done. The opening stanza really grabbed my attention. *Thumbsup*

Emotional Impact

Ah, now this is where the meaning of the poem could be just about anything. I know this was based on a legend, but at the same time, I know there are many people in the world who feel that no matter what they do, their secrets change and fester the longer they are kept.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow

I didn't notice any rhyming sequence, and if it is in a specific form, I don't know it. However, the flow was spot on. It always surprises me when someone manages to obtain such a smooth flow without using a specific count. Perhaps part of the reason it is so smooth is that the pauses are natural ones. The use of proper punctuation really enhanced the ability to understand and interpret as I read, as well as to show me where extra pauses were. Nicely done.

I loved the alliteration you used to enhance the lines where the effects of the secret were described. It added that much more pop to it as I read it out loud. Also, the section where the wording is set off was very effective. It changed up the tone and rhythm a bit to give extra emphasis. Creative and effective.

Suggestions

I have only one.

*Bullet*Till it might not have
Ever even existed at all.
This was the only part I stumbled on. I wonder if eliminating 'even' would grant a smoother flow. See what you think.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. It was effective, creative, meaningful, and a lot of fun to read. I look forward to reading your work again soon. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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128
128
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day ChallengeOpen in new Window.*LeafG*


*LeafY* My Personal Impression

This was interesting read, for sure. I've read many essays over the past few days about the environment, and it was quite refreshing to see your point of view on how technology is affecting the world.

*Leaf* Strengths

The tone in this was conversational and persuasive. There was no sense that you were demanding the reader to see your point of view, but rather a stating of opinion to show the reader how you feel and why. I got the sense that there was a touch of challenge for the reader to really think about it before passing a judgement.

I found this piece thought provoking on many levels. Not only hace the advancements in technology caused a surplus of pollutants in the air, but they have also created a laziness in the human population by creating too much convenience. I can see your point of view, and really, I can't disagree.

As a child, my family went on a rustic vacation every year where we had to fend for ourselves at a basic level. Until I hit about 13, I enjoyed it immensely. There was a great sense of satisfaction at the end of a long day of gathering firewood, fishing, cooking, etc. that we had worked as a unit to provide for our needs. This is something that most people I know wouldn't have a clue how to do.

There are so many things that we do everyday that include the use of technology, and so very few that do not. You have given many good points in this as examples, and I can find no fault in any of them. The structure was clean and easy to follow, and I found only a few suggestions which I have included below.

*LeafO* Suggestions

*Bullet* I am aware of the great capacity for good that technology posses...
I think the word 'posses' was meant to be 'poses' or 'possesses'. This word is used again in the following sentence. The reason I think this is because 'posses' actually refers to an armed band of men.

*Bullet*This simplistic life style taught our...
I believe 'life style' should be all one word: lifestyle.

*Bullet*But even more dangerous was that it instilled an idea, that man had dominance over the earth and all it's inhabitants.
The comma before 'that' is not necessary. It seems to stunt the flow of the sentence. Also, the word 'it's' should be 'its'. It's indicates 'it is' whereas its shows possession.

*Bullet*This selfish ideology now propels technology today as it used for personal advancement and war.
Consider removing 'today' since 'now' does a nice job of it already. Also, I believe there should be an 'is' after 'it'.

*Bullet*Today things haven't changed technology still creates a gap between us and the environment and even amongst ourselves.
Consider breaking this into two sentences. A full stop after 'Today things haven't changed' would give it more impact. Then start a new sentence with 'Technology'. See what you think.

*Bullet*Traditional relationships required us to be in person with these individuals forcing us to get to know them and learn about them.
Consider a comma after 'individuals' to smooth the flow a bit.

*Bullet* There is no greater teacher then experience.
I believe 'then' should be 'than'.

*Bullet*We should stop and reflect on the things that we need and the things that we want.
I think you could create a bigger impact on the reader if this was rephrased slightly. Consider: We should stop and reflect on the difference between want and need.

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

I enjoyed reading this essay. The points made in it are important and thought provoking. Good work! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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129
129
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day ChallengeOpen in new Window.*LeafG*


*Leaf* My Personal Impression

I enjoyed reading through this essay for children. I found it such a good read that I read it to my nine-year-old daughter and asked her for her opinion on it. Her reaction was surprise over how very much trees do for us. She learned about trees creating oxygen in school, but I don't think she realized that there are also many other benefits to planting more trees.

*Leaf* Strengths

The structure of this piece was very effective. It was presented in clear language, easy enough for children to understand, but not so easy that it talked down to the targeted age group. There were times that she stopped me to talk about what it stated, but she didn't need clarification. That tells me that the word choices were effective and understandable.

The tone was friendly while maintaining the objectivity of a teacher. There was a sense of encouragement in the way the information was presented, and I think it would work well to get children thinking about what they could do.

The thing I like the most about this piece was that it targeted children. I believe that if we are to really make a difference in our environment, then every little bit that we contribute is worth the effort. This piece showed that way of thinking because while children can't do as much as adults, them understanding and knowing at a young age will spur them to get the adults in their lives involved, and by the time they are adults, it will be second nature to them. Well done.

*LeafO* Suggestions

I found no errors in this piece, and I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

All in all, I think this was a well written, informative essay for children to learn about the role that trees play in our continued survival, as well as a great way to make them see that every little bit helps. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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Review of Nature  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Kemi Author Icon!


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*LeafY* My Personal Impression

This was a good read. I found myself carried away by the rhythm and increase in tension as the piece progressed, and I loved the ending stanza. The wording was just perfect to get across the intended message. Well done.

*Leaf* Strengths

The tone in this piece changed as the piece progressed very well. It started out light and chipper, showing how the attitude of the person getting ready to head out for the day was thinking about having fun rather than experiencing nature in its own way. As the poem moved along, there were a few indications of destruction in order for him/her to experience the sights. As the person realized that nature didn't want him/her around, a sense of anxiety and fear came through well. Finally, in the end, the reader can feel how the person came to realize that nature cannot be experienced in our own way, but in the way it was intended by the creator. A great message.

I found the flow constant, even though it didn't seem to follow a specific pattern. As I read this out loud, it flowed smoothly, and I didn't stumble at all. The use of rhyming couplets throughout produced a smooth cadence as I read and was very nice to listen to. The word choices were well thought out and executed in keeping with the rhythm, as well as the meaning. Nicely done.

*LeafO* Suggestions

*Bullet*Rivers, landscape, gaint trees
I think the word 'gaint' was meant to be 'giant'.

*Bullet*Tall long green grass stood blocking my way
The use of both 'tall' and 'long' seems unnecessary here since they both mean the same thing. See what you think.

*Leaf* My Favorite Parts

Mountains, oceans, gentle breeze
Rivers, landscape, gaint trees


I loved the rhythm set by this couplet. It worked very well to get a certain cadence going. Well done.

Morning came, with what, wondered I
"Salvation" nature's voice heard I


This was such a ray of sunshine after the tension and fear in the parts just before this. It lifted the intensity well, and left me experiencing the soothing presence of nature. Very nice!

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

All in all, this was a great read. I enjoyed it immensely. It was well written, smooth, and contained a wonderful message. I look forward to reading your work again! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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Review of The Eye  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, usizi Author Icon !


This was an interesting piece. It took me a couple of reads through to see the message in its entirety, but I think it worked well to show how complacency can lead to negativity.

*Leaf* Strengths

The narrative tone conversational, allowing the reader a look into the heart of the narrator. The emotions the speaker went through as he/she spoke seemed to progress naturally through sorrow, guilt, annoyance, and then finally, destruction. It showed how we end up finding a reason for our actions that can't be credited directly back to ourselves.

I enjoyed the imagery you used in this to place the reader within the forest, staring at the squirrel right alongside of the narrator. I could envision the eye as he/she spoke to it, and the complacent attitude saddened me. It showed how we all go around talking about the environment and what we should or shouldn't do, but when it comes down to it, very few practice what they preach. The mention of how the father talks about global warming and operates a taxi company was a great example. Though we might be concerned, we don't do anything about it.

The ending shocked me the first time I read through, but after the second and third read, I could see the point of it. This is one of those pieces that should be digested slowly so the reader doesn't miss the little things.

*LeafO* Suggestions

*Bullet*A bird chirps once, a lazy non committal chirp.
Consider substituting another word for the second 'chirp' to reduce repetition. Perhaps 'sound'. Also, I wonder if there should be a dash in non-committal.

*Bullet*Her lithe form spreads along a branch, eyes closed head rested on a front paw.
Consider a comma after 'head' to increase the flow.

*Bullet* I want to look away, give up the challenge, but realize that I would loose not just the contest.
I believe the word 'loose' should be 'lose'.

*Bullet*“What issues do you talk about”, I wonder to the eye,
The comma before 'I' should be before the quotation mark.

*Bullet* what a nice house one of them moved into, how good the schools that their kids go to.
Consider adding 'are' after 'schools' to increase the flow.

*Bullet*Still, no reaction from my audience but am content to have the attention so I continue.
Consider adding 'I' before 'am' to increase the flow.

*Bullet*“Me, I love listening. That is one reason I squat in this heat and listen to your loud silence,” the eye stares unblinkingly back at me.
Since the part following the dialogue is an action, the dialogue should end with a period, and the 'the' following it should be capitalized.

*Bullet* “What’s the hullabaloo about melting glaciers and swelling oceans?
The quotation mark at the beginning of this sentence is extra since this is in the middle of a dialogue section.

*Leaf* My Favorite Part

The sun is burning the earth with such intensity that hell would be a welcome place to shelter.

This sentence did a great job at securing my interest in the read, as well as showing how bad it will get, and in some places has already gotten, as we poison our earth. It cut to the heart of the matter.

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

All in all, this was a good read. It was thought provoking and left a lasting impression on me. A bit of editing to tighten it up would benefit the flow for the reader. The message was strong and direct. I look forward to visiting your port again. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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Review of The Bequest  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)


I just love how you chose to express the importance of protecting the environment through a showing of teaching the coming generations of how important it is. The saying, 'Every little bit counts', comes through well in this piece.

*Leaf* Strengths

For me, the emotional content of this poem shone through nicely. The tone was gentle and loving, granting a soft cadence as the poem progressed. I could feel the man's genuine love of the earth as he showed the younger members of his family why it's so important. It seems that each new generation cares less and less, and I think it's great how you touched on the fact that we really need to 'show' our children through our actions what needs to be done. It's all well and good to talk about it, but being active and doing something about it is so important. Nicely done.

This piece flowed well as I read it out loud. There was a consistent syllable count of 8 beats per line with only a couple of exceptions, and it worked well to create a steady cadence. Normally I would suggest that those exceptions be reworked to match, but they didn't stunt the flow at all. After looking at them separately, I could find no reason to change anything. The rhyming sequence was consistent and not at all forced. The word choices supported both the mood and the content well.

The use of proper punctuation was a nice addition. It helped me to see the rhythm as I went and enhanced the flow. The picture at the top added to the emotional aspect of this piece because it wasn't a perfectly staged picture. It complemented the idea of our families working together to preserve our earth.

*LeafO* Suggestions

I have no suggestions for this poem. *Thumbsup*

*Leaf* My Favorite Parts

I watched him struggle to arise,
from where he knelt upon the soil.
An inner strength shone in his eyes
as he rested from his toil.


I just loved this stanza. It showed well how sustaining the earth is not easy, and even though he had to struggle to get up from planting, it was well worth it to him that he was doing something to give back, as well as to show the younger generations how important it really was.

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

I loved reading this poem. The message came through very well, and I think it will make parents realize that they have to be active about teaching their children through actions. We always say practice what you preach, and this poem showed that concept perfectly. As always, it was a pleasure to read your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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Review of Fifty Seconds  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Naomi Author Icon!

I found this piece posted on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

This was a sad read. I can safely say I was near to tears by the end of it. I think you have done a nice job at showing the emotional state of this teenager.

Strengths

The tone in this piece was conversational, allowing the emotional mood to come through with great effect. The first person point of view showed the character's thoughts well, and I found that they flowed in a way that I would expect for someone at her younger age. They were a bit chaotic, and it worked very well to show the reader how she was feeling.

The progression of the piece was smooth from beginning to end. The narrative led the reader right from her finding out what had happened, through her grief, guilt, and how she managed to deal with the loss. The ending paragraph was especially moving, and I could feel her pain. Nicely done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...only two excruciating long days ago.
Consider a comma between 'excruciating' and 'long' because they are coordinating adjectives.

*Bullet*My life is completely different, and I, in some ways, have completely changed. I no longer cared about anything; I didn’t even care if I was alive.
The tense seems to change between these sentences. It goes from present to past. You may consider smoothing it out so the tense stays constant.

*Bullet* I tried calling mum and dad to let them know I was home, but nether answer.
I think this should be 'neither answered' to keep the tense constant.

*Bullet*She didn’t knock like she usually did so I knew something was not right.
Consider a comma before 'so' because it is acting as a coordinating conjunction to join two independent clauses.

*Bullet*There are quite a few changes in tense throughout the story, and I found it quite confusing. The tense tells the reader the time frame, so when it goes from present tense to past tense, it tends to disrupt the flow of the read. Consider keeping the tense in either past or present in order to secure the readers attention.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good read. I think it could be strengthened a bit through the use of constant tense, but on the whole, the emotion was palpable, and the story was realistic. Those two things together creates an emotional roller coaster for the reader, especially when they can relate to it in some way. Great work with this! I look forward to visiting your port again. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Nature's Way  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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My Personal Impression

This was a beautiful short story about love and family. I liked how you used this situation to show the learning of a life lesson for both the daughter and the mother.

Strengths

The tone in this piece came through as gentle. The use of first person narrative allowed the reader to see the emotions of the mother clearly as she helped her daughter through finding the baby bird, and then setting it free again. Both the mother and daughter were sad about having to put the bird back outside, and I felt bad for Gretchen, but she also learned a great lesson of faith. I liked how the mother was honest with her daughter right from the beginning, as well. I think it was a good way to show her gentle, honest nature.

The dialogue between the two was realistic and flowed well. I could hear their distinctive voices, which allowed me a more vivid experience of the situation. Nicely done.

The subtext used in this to impart the veterinarian's instructions worked well, and I think it was a great way to stay within the word count while maintaining the flow of the story. The meaning was clear to me as a reader, and I could fill in the spaces easily.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice any errors. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a nice, heartwarming read. I enjoyed it! I think you did a great job to impart both emotion and a theme with such a short word count. Great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, aralls!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

This was an interesting, sad, thought provoking short story. I loved the description of the strange woman. You managed to show me exactly how she looked with the use of great detail and figurative language. Nice work. The prompt at the bottom was a great addition because it allowed me to see what you were working with when you wrote this story, and I think you did a great job incorporating the prompt while making it original.

Strengths

The narrative tone in this piece really gave me insight to the main character's frame of mind. There was an indifferent attitude to how she went about her morning. I could tell that she was feeling lonely, perhaps like there wasn't much of a point to doing what she did everyday because she had no-one to share it with, and yet there was an edge of humor, showing that she could still view the world with some emotion. She hadn't quite gotten to the 'I don't care about anything' stage of the attitude, though she was well on her way.

Her memories of her Gram showed the reader what her life was like growing up. She grew up with lots of love if not much money, and it seemed as though she couldn't quite bring herself to be bitter about her mother leaving. Personally, I think she would have asked eventually about her mother, but it also shows how much he cared about her grandparent's that she never put them on the spot in that way.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, allowing enough time for the reader to get to know the character before the main event takes place. The letter was well done. I felt such respect for the woman when she wrote that she was proud to call Belle her daughter. There was also a great theme in this piece, a showing that it is never too late, and that perhaps knowing is better than not knowing. It would be interesting to see how the event affected Belle's life after the fact.

General Suggestions

*Bullet*“Here,” her raspy voice interrupted my assessment of the stranger.
The end of this sentence, 'of the stranger', made me feel as though there were two other people there, rather than one. I think you could eliminate it to show that she is the stranger.

*Bullet* With shaking hands, she was thrusting a present toward me.
Consider increasing the active voice of this sentence by saying 'she thrust a present towards me'.

*Bullet*One tiny hand was gripping the leg of the stuffed animal,...
Here, the passive voice can be reduced by removing 'was gripping' and replacing it with 'gripped'.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* And if it were a death threat of some sort I had to give them points on originality for the Winnie-the-Pooh wrapping.
Consider a comma after 'sort' to show that it is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*But you, my dear girl,, are the only thing...
There's just an extra comma after 'girl'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story. You did a great job with the prompt, and I think the level of emotion that comes through was just enough. I look forward to visiting your port again. *Smile*
Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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136
136
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Lyricka Raiyne Monahan Author Icon!

I found this piece posted on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting for us to read and review.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

I liked the plot in this piece. While is seems to be a reoccurring theme, I really enjoy a budding romance between a vampire and a human. There are so many different possibilities for situations and conflict. The first paragraph gave a taste of tension and pulled me in for the read. Well done.

Tone/Mood/Tense/Point of View

The tone was a bit hard for me to pin down, but I think it was because the point of view changed around quite a bit. Consider adding a break line between the different perspectives to show the reader that a change is taking place. It can become confusing for the reader to switch back and forth too often, but when done in a smooth manner, it can also give so much more depth to the characters. I think it will enhance the connection between the reader and the characters well in the long run.

Setting & Imagery

The setting was a coffee shop that Lyrick likes to spend time in. I think you could increase the description of the coffee shop a bit. I don't feel like I could really see the interior, nor feel the atmosphere around her. It was explained as welcoming and quiet, but I didn't 'feel' it. You could increase the active voice a bit by showing a bit of her surroundings to enhance the effect. The imagery used of sounds and scents enhanced the scene well.

Plot & Characterization

The plot is just in the beginning stages, so I'm not sure that I can comment effectively on it just yet. I found the scenes progressed well through this chapter, but I do think you could spend a bit of time fleshing the scenes out just a bit to give the reader a bit more of an emotional connection to the characters. Don't get me wrong, they both come across pretty well, but I felt like I would have liked to hear their internal thoughts a bit regarding the world around them.

Lyrick came across as uncertain, lonely, and shy. Showing her past relationship allowed for the reader to see why she was withdrawn, and I found the reason very believable. The description of her was complete, and I had no trouble envisioning her in my mind.

The vampire she runs into in the shop comes across as sure of himself, yet hesitant. I found it attractive and endearing. I would love a more detailed description of him, though. Since Lyrick is watching him without trying to, it would be natural for her to comment on his looks in her thoughts. I think it would increase the tension between them when he stops her at the door. Something for you to think about.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* But she knew what she had to do, gathering courage and holding it close to her as a child grasps its mother, Spotting the entrance...
These sentences don't quite flow together the way they are written. Consider restructuring them a bit to enhance the flow. For a quick example:
She gathered her courage and held it close, like a child grasping its mother. She knew what she had to do. Spotting the entrance...

*Bullet*she walked through the gates and up the stairs to face her destiny, even though her destiny only held death.
Consider revising this sentence to give it more punch. What it conveys is really great, and I think you could make it even more effective for the reader if it was a bit more blunt. For a quick example:
she strode through the gates and up the stairs to face her destiny -- death.

*Bullet* At least she would get one last chance to look upon her lovers face once more........
Using 'one last chance' and 'once more' is a bit repetitive. Consider eliminating one or the other. Also, when using ellipses, three periods is all that is necessary to keep it looking professional.

*Bullet* The Sun shown down brightly on the town...
The word 'Sun' doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, 'shown' should be 'shone'.

*Bullet* "Such beauty there is in this world, yet for the life of me, I can find no happiness in it." thought Lyrick,...
When a tag follows a line of dialogue or a thought, the period before the end quotation mark becomes a comma. One quick thought for you, though. Consider placing the thoughts in italics rather than quotation marks. Many readers become confused when they are written as dialogue. With italics, you would not need the quotation marks. For example:

Such beauty there is in this world, yet for the life of me, I can find no happiness in it, thought Lyrick.

To use italics, just type {i} before the words you want italicized, and then {/i} when you want them to stop.


*Bullet*There are several areas where a comma is used instead of a period to end a sentence. Just a simple typo, but it does confuse the reader for a second, so you may want to read through to look for those. Also, I found a few areas where the sentences were very long. While this isn't a bad thing, it created a bit of a 'and then... and then...' feel to it as I was reading. Consider breaking some of them up into shorter sentences to give the reader a bit more variety.

*Bullet*Throngs of tourists and residents pouring out of hotels and homes.
The use of the 'ing' on 'pouring' indicates that something else will be happening at the same time, but the something else doesn't come so the sentence tends to feel unfinished. Consider using 'poured' instead.

*Bullet* "Go ahead miss," a crackly voice said, Lyrick looked into the face of a very elderly man that had to be in his nineties, "Thank you so much, Sir." she replied, stepping into the dimly lit coffee shop, the savory aroma of fresh brewed coffee and the sweet smell of the various cakes and cookies filling her nostrils, she breathed deep and let out a sigh of contentment.
This section was a little bit hard for me to understand the first time I read through. I think it is because it seems as though it is one long sentence. When there are two different speakers, the dialogue for each speaker should have its own paragraph. For example:

"Go ahead, miss," a crackly voice said.

Lyrick looked into the face of a very elderly man that had to be in his nineties. "Thank you so much, Sir," she replied.

Stepping into the dimly lit coffee shop, the savory aroma of fresh brewed coffee, and the sweet smell of the various cakes and cookies filled her nostrils. She breathed deep and let out a sigh of contentment.

*Bullet*The atmosphere in the shop was very welcoming and quite,
I think 'quite' should be 'quiet'.

*Bullet* "The usual, miss?", he asked,
There is just an extra comma before 'he'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I think this is a good start on a paranormal romance. I enjoyed the scene between them right at the end. It was a good hook to keep the reader moving along to the second chapter!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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137
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, jimbobjoeybob Author Icon!

You were kind enough to come by my port with a review, so I am here to return the favor. I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*


My Personal Impression:

Ah, these stories were quite entertaining. A great sense of humor went into their creation, as well as a few underlying messages. I found it neat that they each ended with the tumble weeds rolling off and laughing. Each one had a different reason for the laughing, some bitter and some not, and for the most part it fit with the context of each section well.

I would love to see these expanded out a bit to reduce the effect of telling. Passive voice is used predominantly, and to be honest, it worked quite well, though I would have liked to be able to envision the areas a little bit better around the tumble weeds. I would usually ask for expressions, as well, but it would be a bit redundant in this case since the characters are tumble weeds and do not have facial structure. *Laugh*

These little bits would be quite funny when read out loud to a group, I think.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

The sentence structure and punctuation could use some work to smooth out the flow of the read. A few of the main things I noticed were run-on sentences, missed punctuation around dialogue, and dialogue of several 'people' bunched together in the same paragraph. Separating the dialogue so that each speaker has their own paragraph would allow for the reader to see the switch from one to the next a bit easier.

If you are interested in specific details or a line-by-line, please let me know.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this series of short shorts provides great comic relief. I enjoyed reading through them, but I think some work on structure and technical aspects such as punctuation would strengthen them on the whole.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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138
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Review of The Last Day  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, morethinking Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

Wow. This story blew me away. The twist right at the end was perfectly timed for great impact. I loved it.

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone was serious and sad, setting a mood of sorrow and regret as the two characters brace for the end. The emotions came through so clearly as they experienced the end of their time together. I found the flow of the narrative to be very smooth and compelling. Great work. The only thing that threw me off was the change in perspective as the reader gets insight to what she is thinking. Though it worked to heighten the emotion a bit, it did stop my progress for a minute as I adjusted. You may consider omitting that chance for the reader to become lost. Something to think about, at any rate.

Otherwise, the tense and point of view were consistent. *Thumbsup*

Plot/Theme/Characterization

I loved the theme in this piece. There is always hope. The way the characters accepted their fate was realistic, and the emotion came through well as they supported each other. The use of shorter sentences enhanced the intensity of the final encounter nicely. Well done.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*The sound had grown louder.
The timing of this sentence is quite important in this story, and I think the impact could be enhanced by reducing the passive voice. Consider removing 'had grown' and replace it with 'grew'. It becomes more active and will be more intense for the reader. See what you think.

*Bullet*His voice was not German but American, as was he.
The use of 'His' and 'he' in this sentence almost confused me. Consider replacing 'His' with 'The soldier' or another form of describing who was speaking. I think it would make it a little clearer for the reader to sense the implications of the statement immediately.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a great read. It left me feeling like even when the world seems like a horrible place, there is always a reason to hope. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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139
139
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Half Time Break Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was a powerful read. I have to admit, I had to read through a few times to make sure I was understanding the first couple of paragraphs, but once I got it, I really got it. I think I just wasn't paying enough attention the first time. *Wink* The message in this piece was clear. The fact that many of us have preconceived emotional reactions due to our past experiences is something that I can relate to. I was raised in an abusive home, and I still find that I flinch if something happens quickly around me. Over the years, I have realized that this reaction comes from something I learned when I was young - to flinch and cower when that fist started swinging. Now, as an adult, I have found that I have to re-train myself based on positive experiences.

I can't count how many people have told me that once you are who you are there is no changing it. Your article has shown me just how wrong that is. Anyone can be, feel, and react how they want to, all they need is the desire to conquer that mountain. Things we experienced do not have to affect the experiences to come, and this piece shows that very clearly.

The tone used in this piece was clear, consistent, knowledgeable, and forthright, all the while being friendly and compassionate. I could sense that the author of the piece really believed the message, and therefore, it came through with an added punch. Extremely well done!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

There was just one small thing I noticed as I was reading through this. When a conjunction such as and, but, for, yet, nor, and so, to combine two independent clauses, a comma should proceed the conjunction. For a quick example:

*Bullet* You won't find it in friends or relatives and you won't find it in drugs or alcohol.
Because both sentences before and after the 'and' are independent clauses, a comma would be appropriate. I found a couple spots such as this.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This piece was motivational, inspirational, and a joy to read. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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140
140
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, dollzell Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression:

This was an emotional love poem. The fact that this was a recollection of love once had and lost created a sorrow filled mood, and I found it contagious. The ending stanza showed that the person behind the words still hoped for a reunion one day, and for me, that was touching.

Tone & Mood:

The tone was soft and sad, setting a mood of sorrow and regret. It worked very well within the context of this poem to make the reader 'feel' the loss that is remembered with such love.

Emotional Impact:

I felt sad as I read this piece because it felt as though the other person was untouchable or unattainable. The emotion in the words came through very strongly, and I found myself wishing that there could be a happy ending. The following section really hit me because it showed that the love being reflected upon was too far gone.

I miss the reflection of your face in the moon
I count the stars like the kisses lost too soon
A sunny day, a cloudless sky suddenly turned to gloom
I realize you and I together are destined for doom

Rhyme, Form, and Flow:

The rhyme sequence and choice of wording flowed well together to create a strong, steady flow to this piece. The words flowed from my tongue with ease as I read it out loud. Well done.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*My feelings is still ambivalent,
I believe 'is' should be 'are' because 'feelings' are plural.

*Bullet*There were a few areas where the commas were an extra space to far from the letters they were surrounding. As far as I know, the comma should be directly after a word, and one space before the next.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, a great read. It flowed smoothly, conveying the emotion in a clear manner that allowed me to experience it fully. Well done.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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141
141
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, R. Walter Smith Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression:


Oooh, I really liked this! It was especially powerful when I read it out loud. I felt a chill at the end, and I think it was because of the very last line. To feel hunted by something dark is one thing, but to know that there is no emotion behind the hunter is altogether another thing.

Tone & Mood:

The tone was dark, soft, and luring. It set a great mood over this piece as I read. I found the rhythm flowed in a way that allowed a dream-like atmosphere, like there was a soft trance coming through the words to trap the unwary. It was very effective in assisting the mood.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow:

Though I am not sure what form this is, it seems to me to have a specific rhyme scheme. I'm not going to take the time to write it out, but I will say that I think it was quite effective. I also noticed a bit of repetition in the stanzas, and rather than being too much, it helped to set a natural flow. Well done.

Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for improvement. I really enjoyed this piece. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, this was a great read. The rhyme scheme and rhythm both flowed naturally, the tone and mood were effective, and the use of wording did a great job in getting across the story. Great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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142
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Review of Shear Madness  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, pitbull Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


I was cruising through your port today in order to send you an Anniversary review when this piece caught my attention. My first thought when I saw the title was an event almost like this when my son cut my daughter's hair while she was sleeping, so I just had to come and check it out. I wasn't at all disappointed. *Smile*

The story flowed well from beginning to end, allowing for a smooth read. I was surprised that you managed to infuse your own voice into this piece so well in such a short word count. The tone was friendly, and I felt more like I was sitting down to coffee with a friend than reading a story. Nicely done. I think the tone really helped to bring me into the story and get me interested right away. The first paragraph did a great job in setting the scene for the coming punishment, not to mention that I was nodding my head throughout it thinking, "Yep, that sounds familiar!" I think there are many parents out there that could relate to this story.

I laughed out loud at the end when your son told you that the spanking with the shoe didn't hurt. What a lesson to be learned! Kids do say the darndest things, don't they?

I didn't notice any errors that detracted from my enjoyment of the read. Well done.

All in all, a nicely written, fun read. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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143
143
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Hektor Thillet Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was a cute read. Since I am a mother of four, I always read children's stories to my kids. My nine-year-old really liked this story. She had two questions: is there more, and what did the jester look like?

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone was soft and clear, showing the state of mind of the jester well. The sentence structure and repetition of certain words both worked well to aim this piece towards children, as well as set a mood of fun exploration as the jester started his journey.

The point of view and tense seemed to be fairly consistent throughout.

Plot/Theme

The plot was quite intriguing, especially for my kids. They were interested in why a jester would want to be boring (in their words), and they were more than ready to make their own guesses at the end as to whether he would decide to stay funny or not in the end. Personally, I look forward to seeing how the plot plays out. Most times in this sort of story the main character will find he liked being just the way he was, and of course learns a great lesson along the way. *Smile*

Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

The characterization of the characters was done well for the age group you are targeting with this piece. The inner thoughts of the jester allow the reader to see his personality a bit, and his reactions to others when they laugh at him reiterates the concept that he wants to be normal, not funny. I would like to see a description of him, myself, but I can't see anywhere here where adding it would complement the flow.

I think the setting worked well as it is for this age group. When I questioned my kids about where they were, they didn't hesitate to tell me. Good work.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* And this he indeed carry out with high praise.
Consider 'carried' rather than 'carry' to maintain the tense.

*Bullet*Well on his way was the court jester by morning.
This sentence seemed a bit too repetitive to me. Consider 'He was well on his way by morning.'

*Bullet* I’m a court jester you see?
Consider a comma before 'you see'.

*Bullet*It was then, that someone other than the giraffe began laughing loudly and profusely,...
The comma before 'that' seems to break the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*Once more he was on his way to find someone who would not laugh at him—if this was at all possible.
The word 'this' at the end creates present tense. I wonder if the word 'that' would keep it more constant? See what you think.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this was a good strong start on a children's book. The plot line was interesting, and the main character was likable. I look forward to reading more.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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144
144
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Wordwing Author Icon!

I found this piece on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting for us to read and review!*Smile*


My Personal Impression

I liked this. I found it interesting, to say the least. I liked the name for the elven court. As far as I know, Illaria means 'cheerful' in Latin. It fits for Elves, I think. *Smile*

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone was mysterious and foreboding in the first chapter. The dialogue between Verian and Darius worked well to enhance the impression and set an expectant mood. Nicely done. The section of the second chapter was too short for me to get a real feel of the tone.

The third-person point-of-view with past tense was consistent throughout. *Thumbsup*

Plot/Theme

The theme seems to be good vs. evil, but it is too soon to comment on how it is moving along. There was some good foreshadowing to indicate that Verian and Darius will have a hard time convincing the woman who is to be the savior of their world, and I am sure it will lead to many interesting situations. Nice.

Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

The characterization of Verian and Darius started on a strong note with their conversation in the woods. They both have a distinct voice, allowing the reader to be able to see which one is speaking without needing too many dialogue tags. I have one suggestion regarding their dialogue, which I have included in the General Suggestions area. Otherwise, I found their dialogue believable and interesting. The use of subtext allowed for it to seem natural, and imparted extra meaning to what they said.

The imagery was really well done. I could see the area in both scenes very well, and I could feel the scene in the first chapter. You used more than just sight to appeal to the reader, and I think that is very important in producing a vivid experience. All senses are important, and you have done well with that in this piece.

General Suggestions

In the first paragraph, I noticed the word 'seemed' was used a few times. That section is rich in imagery and creative description, and I think it would enhance the flow if you considered using alternate words. It felt a bit repetitive to me, but it also made it seem wishy washy, as though it seemed like these things were there to experience, but really weren't. I think using more concrete words would allow a more vivid experience for the reader.

Consider reducing the use of 'ly' ending adverbs. They have a tendency to 'tell' when the author means to 'show'. It creates a more active feel to the work if you can describe the reaction rather than using an adverb to 'tell' the reader it is happening.

This isn't a suggestion, perhaps more a comment. I noticed that the chapters are pretty short. I wonder if a few scenes could be put together to create the first chapter? Or perhaps you are using short chapters for a reason. *Wink* I just thought I would mention it.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Telling a girl who up until now believed herself nothing more than a mere mortal that she is the key to saving not only her own world but an entire world that she doesn’t even believe exists as well is only going to be a bit difficult.”
Consider removing 'as well' from the end of this sentence. It seems to disrupt the flow a bit.

*Bullet*“You know, for an Elven lord of the Illarian Court, you seem to relish finding the dark side in things. I thought that was my job.” Darius said, grinning. Verian scowled at him.

“Bah! What of the traitor? Have we made any progress in identifying the bastard?” Darius shook his head, grimacing.

“None at all. Whoever it is, they are very skilled at covering their tracks. At least we can be grateful that we, as her guardians, are the only ones who were entrusted with her identity.” Verian rolled his eyes again.
In this section, the person doing the action is not the person speaking within the paragraph. It is best to place the action with the same paragraph as that person is speaking so the reader doesn't become confused about who is talking when. The sentence 'Verian scowled at him' could start the "Bah!..." paragraph, and the 'Darius shook his head, grimacing' could start the next one. If this doesn't make sense, just let me know and I will email you a full explanation.

*Bullet*Veraia Sloan moved silently through the wood,
Consider adding an 's' on the end of 'wood' because it is indicating a grouping of trees.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this is a good strong start on what appears to be a great young adult fantasy. The characters are realistic and likable, and their conversation drew me in and sparked my curiosity. I look forward to reading more. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, SWPoet Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

I loved reading this piece. I was nodding my head through most of it, thinking, 'Finally, someone wrote about what I feel!'. My favorite line:

I am a woman who craves silence in her soul but does not allow the soul to rest.

Tone/Mood

The tone in this suited the title well. There were a few emotions, I noticed, and though I would normally find that confusing, it worked really well. I could sense strength and independence, but also fear and a sense that something was missing.

Form, Flow & Rhyme

The flow in the free-style poem was very good. I found the sentence structure to be smooth and easy to read, both silently and out loud. There was definitely more punch to it when read out loud. There was no rhyming sequence, but I think trying to incorporate one would have taken away from the content. The repetition of 'I am a woman' worked very well to enhance the natural rhythm.

Emotional Impact

I found that I related to this piece on a personal level. I can't count how many times I have felt that my emotions are contradictory. Life seems to take over sometimes, and a feeling of being lost settles in even though everything is technically on track.

Suggestions

I am a woman with music in my soul, words at on my fingertips,
I think the word 'at' is extra in this sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a wonderful read. The emotion was raw and real, the rhythm was steady, and the overall message was thought provoking and honest. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review of Dreams of Flying  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, WizardofOwls Author Icon!

I found this poem on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting for us to read and review! *Smile*


My Personal Impression:

Depression is a heavy topic, and I think you have done a wonderful job at giving a peak of what the disease can do to a person. I really like that you have not only shown what it feels like, but you have shown here what it feels like to know you want more, to know that the depression is what pulls you back. Many people who have depression cannot see that their struggles are not always self-inflicted. In only a few lines, you have managed to show quite a bit. Nice work!

Tone/Mood

The tone in this piece was both pensive and earnest. I could sense the despair of depression in the words, but also the desire to be free of its constraints. I'm having trouble finding a word to describe the mood, to be honest. It seemed to me as though the character felt like it was wishful thinking. Kind of like seeing something you want in the store but never being able to buy it.

Emotional Factor

I was moved by this piece. I think almost anyone who has experienced depression will feel the emotion coming from this piece and wish they could help. Depression is a horrible thing to suffer through, and this piece reminded me of what it feels like to be lost. But, the ending of this piece offers hope. The first step in combating depression is to acknowledge that it is there, and that you want to have a different life. It may not really help at the time, but it is the first step.

Form, Rhyme, and Flow

I have to say, I don't know what the form is, but it was effective. The rhyming sequence was wonderful, and I found the flow smooth. I read this out loud several times, and I didn't have any trouble with the wording at all. It flowed easily from my tongue.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a powerful piece. The emotion was clear, the flow was smooth, and I believe many people will be able to relate to this piece. Well done!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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for entry "The Masquerade PartyOpen in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Carrie Ruvio Author Icon!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

Since you stated that this is fragments of the novel you wish to write, I'm not going to go into grammar or punctuation. Those things are meant for a final edit, anyway. *Wink*

Normally in a review, I go through several aspects such as tone, mood, point of view, plot, characterization, etc. to show the author how the story touched me as a reader. However, since this isn't a full story, I am going to change things up a bit.

Honestly, I think what you have started here has some great potential. Your command of expressive language is very good, and I found myself pulled into the mind of this woman quite easily. I could sense her confusion and inability to cope, and I could relate to it in many ways. You used great figurative language to get across what you were trying to say, and it was effective.

Now, if you are wanting to develop this into a novel, then I have a bit of advice for you. Feel free to take it or leave it as you see fit. *Smile* First of all, grab a paper and pen (or word processor and keyboard, whichever you like best) and give the woman a history. Write down what her childhood was like, who she was friends with and why, who she trusted, who she didn't, what her greatest fear was then, and so on. This is important when developing a character because she has to have motivation to be the way she is. I think you will also be surprised to find that several more fragments come to life in your mind as you do this.

I know several writers who write a series of fragments over a period of time, and then string them all together later on. It's not important to write it in order the first time around. What is important is getting your ideas onto paper. The more of them you write down, the more you will find the story coming together in your mind.

Personally, I write until I get stuck, then I leave if for a few days and re-read it later, Sometimes I find more ideas coming, and sometimes I have to sit down and write an outline of the events that I want to happen. I think the most important thing is not to feel discouraged that it's taking time. Writing a novel is a daunting process, but it should also be fun. If your ideas run out on one idea, skip over to another. One other thing that can help is to write some short stories. They are challenging, but they also help to show you what works for you and what doesn't without having to invest a whole lot of time to do it.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for me. Keep going with this story, for sure. You definitely have the talent for it. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of The Sacred Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, NickiD89 Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression:

I found myself intrigued by the description, so I stopped in for a read. I have to admit, I found this piece thought provoking and emotional. The description asks a moral question, one that this story illustrates very well. What is the answer? I don't think anyone knows for sure. I suppose that is why it makes such a good read. It makes the reader think about what they believe, even if they don't think they have an opinion on the subject. Nicely done.

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone in this was personal, ambivalent, and a touch anxious. I could sense Thomas' need to enter the pub without attracting notice, and the fact that he stopped before entering showed me that he wasn't proud of what he was going in there to do. The call he makes after the game showed me why. I liked the mood. There were quite a few emotions present for me, and I think that enhanced what the end result was regarding the theme.

Plot/Theme

The theme in this becomes clear at the end, and I found it really well done. The concept of 'the ends justifies the means' has been something I've seen quite a few times in short works, but I don't think I've ever seen it shown in quite this light before. This piece takes that theme and cuts straight to the heart of it, then leaves the reader with the question of whether or not the character was right in doing what he did. I could tell you this, if I was in his position, I'm sure I would have done the same thing.

Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

For how short this story was, you did an amazing job with the characterization and setting. The use of figurative language such as metaphor allowed for the reader to feel the weather, see the inside of the pub, hear the voices of the men around him, as well as the emotions that Thomas himself was feeling. There was no need for blocks of exposition because you sprinkled the descriptions throughout the piece, granting an all around look at what was happening. Well done.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice any errors. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this story. It fit the prompt very well while also delivering a great message. I think what I liked the best about this was that you didn't answer the question of whether the end justified the means outright, but rather let the reader take the information provided to come to their own conclusion. I read through this a few times, and it affected me each time. I love it when a story can make me think about the bigger picture, and this one definitely did that. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review of Cheating  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, ~*Arpita*~ Author Icon!

I found this piece posted on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting it! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression:

First of all, I have to commend you for writing this essay. I recently had to explain why cheating was bad to my children, and man, do I ever wish I would have had this to use! As it was, I had both my twelve-year-old and nine-year-old read this, and I think they came away from it with a much clearer understanding of how even little tiny cheats can escalate and become a serious problem, not only in school, but in the world as a whole. A great lesson for children.

I think the use of specific examples was really great. I found that it showed the reader what you meant in a clear and understandable way. Associating the concept of cheating with a larger theme was a great idea, and I like the examples you used. They were accurate and easy for most people to relate to.

The structure of this essay was very good. There was a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, giving it a nice sense of completion once I was finished reading. Good work!

One thing I wonder is what age of children this was being aimed at. For my two, they had some trouble with some of the words and concepts. Both of them said that after reading the whole sentence that contained a word they didn't know, they were able to figure most of them out, but I thought I would mention it anyway. If you are aiming at a higher age, then disregard that. *Wink*

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I found a few things that I would like to make a suggestion on. They are as follows.

*Bullet* I am a high school student here and I will present the most common form of cheating first-cheating in tests.
When two independent clauses are combined using a conjunction such as 'and', a comma is required before the conjunction. Here, both parts of this sentence could stand alone, so a comma would be appropriate. Also, consider a longer break around the dash so that it does not appear as if you are using it to make one word, kind of like 'daughter-in-law' uses them to become one idea.

*Bullet*their answers might not be exactly accurate as the student who is copying them straight from the books.
Consider taking out 'exactly' and replacing it with 'as'. In this case, the use of the adverb is unneeded, I think, because you go on to say the answers were from the books, which would already indicate that they were exact.

*Bullet*Even the person who cheats somehow gets his own confidence lowered. He might be ashamed of it and feel guilty about his misdeeds.
Consider taking out the 'somehow' here. The reason I think this is because you give an example of why they would be lowered, so it seems like it is contradicting the fact. Perhaps reword it so that it is presented as a fact, rather than a maybe. I hope that all makes sense!*Wink*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. It was nicely structured and written, informative, and convincing. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Brockers Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. *Smile*


My Personal Impression

An intense chapter, overall. I like seeing several different perspectives. It allows the reader to think about what is happening, rather than having to guess. I find it very interesting to try and figure out the connection between all of the characters. The ending of this chapter was great. It left me in suspense, knowing that something bad is coming, just not knowing what. Nice.

Tone/Mood/Tense/Point of View

The tone was pretty good. I found the first section to be a bit too objective. I had a hard time pegging the emotions of Mike and Erica. I know she appeared very distraught, but I didn't 'feel' her emotion. However, seeing through her perspective in the following section worked well, and I could easily sense her personality and emotions. The mood through this chapter was tense, and later on, suspenseful.

I found the tense and point of view quite consistent. The only thing I really noticed was that the use of the word 'had' became quite a bit through the sections when the character was remembering past events. I know it is important to keep the past tense continual, but I think there were quite a few areas where the 'had' could be removed because the verb used was past tense, which eliminates the need for the extra confirmation. If you would like a better explanation, feel free to say so and I will include some examples for you to show you what I mean. *Smile*

Plot & Characterization

There is so much going on with political intrigue and emotional reactions that there is always something to keep the reader going. So far, I am thoroughly enjoying the plot line. Not only do they have the aftermath of the assassination to contend with, but there is a new threat looming, as well.

Mike's character is coming along very well. I feel as though I am getting to know him through his actions and his thoughts. He has a good heart, but he doesn't have much faith in himself. I am sure he will be tested through this story, and I look forward to seeing how he deals with everything. He is stronger than he thinks he is.

I'm not sure about Erica yet, but there wasn't a whole lot about her. Her emotions and thoughts were in keeping with what I would expect for someone dealing with a death, but I am interested to see if she is what she seems to be.

One thing I would like to suggest is to expand the section where Mike is at the dinner party. There was a lot of 'telling' in that section, and I found myself almost skimming the information instead of paying attention to him meeting and learning about Emily. I think showing that information through their dialogue would be a lot more gripping for the reader. Also, you may consider breaking this chapter into two parts to receive more reviews for it. I know quite a few members who can't review this long of a piece simply due to time restrictions. Something for you to ponder. *Wink*

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*According to the news a record number of callers had phoned the police,...
A comma after 'news' would be appropriate because 'According to the news' is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*Mike’s attention caught Erica Shaw standing at the front doors...
Consider saying, 'Erica Shaw caught Mike's attention...'.

*Bullet* and often got given the numbers of the young locals,...
Consider, 'and was often given the numbers...' to smooth the flow a bit.

*Bullet*She loved him so much, but now all she had was memories.
This statement seems a bit out of place because it is in a section that is coming from Mike's point of view. This seems like Erica's point of view. Consider placing this with Erica's POV in the following section.

*Bullet*Max the Husky ran up to her and jumped up,...
Consider removing the first 'up' to reduce repetition.

*Bullet*...where it was only slightly less busy. Ethan joined her and bent slightly to hear her;
The double use of the word 'slightly' in two sentences close together here felt a bit repetitive to me. Consider replacing one with an alternate word.

*Bullet*She’d been engaged to him for eighteen months and they’d been together for two and a half.
Consider adding 'years' after 'half'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good chapter. The plot moved along well, as did the development of the main character, Mike. I am liking him more and more as his personality becomes more rounded and realistic. His vices are starting to come through, and I think that allows the reader to connect with the character on a more personal level, and that can only be a good thing. I look forward to reading the next chapter. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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