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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Bus Ride Home  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Thank you for entering Round 10 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I am more than happy to read and review your entry as the judge for the contest. *Smile* I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging.

Hiya, S.T. Rose Author Icon!



My Thoughts

This was an interesting short story, and it held my attention well from beginning to end. I found the writing style smooth for the most part, and I enjoyed the dialogue. Your dialogue worked well to show the personalities of the characters in a realistic and believable way. I especially enjoyed the dialogue between Amber and Jacob. The way they misinterpreted each other's words was cute and made me like Jacob even with the uneasy feeling Amber got from him.

You used the prompt in a way I hadn't expected in this story, and it worked well. The fact that Jacob gave her this present because she deserved it added a touch of romance that made me like him even more because after what she suffered at home every day, she really did deserve a little something nice.

At the end of the story, I was left wondering who Jacob was and why he singled her out. Do you plan on delving deeper into this story? Perhaps Jacob had lived through something similar during his life . . . not that it really matters. I just have a mind that likes to keep spinning some days. *Wink* If you ever delve deeper with these characters, feel free to shoot me an email. I'd love to read it.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a few errors as I was reading, most of them repeated issues that I have provided some suggestions and explanations for below. If you are interested in seeing my comments in this area, please click here. ▼


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good read. Thank you again for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I look forward to seeing more entries from you in future rounds. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
27
27
Review of Progression  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. This is the second of three reviews you won in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thanks again for your support!

Hiya, 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon!



My Thoughts

This was an emotional read, and I loved how you used flowing sentences on a consistent basis to create a soft, almost dream-like atmosphere as Joshua discovered his abilities, as well as the truth about what had happened to him and why. His confusion in the beginning of the story was understandable and felt realistic. Before his injury, he couldn't hear conversations from a room away or feel other people's emotions. I think waking up in a hospital with no memory of how he got there would be confusing enough, never mind adding in a dream woman and a new aptitude for using psychic power. He handled the revelations in stride without doubting himself.

The way he could sense the emotions in those around him worked well to give the reader hints about their intentions, so when he realized who put him in the hospital and why, it felt realistic and brought the story around full circle.

I really liked the ending. The way he said "We'll see" to Kali was a great way to reference the beginning when she said the same thing to him when he asked if the other place was a dream. It ended up being very real, so I'm sure everything will work out well for him. A nice, feel-good ending to an intense piece.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*“Hi Josh, I’m glad you found your way.”
Consider a comma before Josh because it's a direct address. Also, consider a period after Josh because both Hi, Josh. and I'm glad you found your way. are independent clauses.

*Bullet*with red hair that seemed to shine in the sunlight.
When you say seemed to shine it creates a passive image for the reader, rather than an active one. Consider using the more decisive verb shone to give the reader an active visual.

*Bullet*“How, how do you know my name, Kali?” he managed to stammer.
Consider using a dash or ellipsis to show the stutter instead of a comma.

*Bullet*he tried to croak before she could shush him.
Since she does understand him, I'm thinking he did croak before she could shush him, not that he only tried. Consider giving this sentence more power by making it more decisive. For example, he croaked before she could shush him.

*Bullet*“Well, your back,”
The word your should be you're.

*Bullet*Let’s check you out and then we’ll see what we can do about removing all this,” he gestured.
The wording, he gestured is an action, not a dialogue tag, so it should have its own sentence. Consider, Let's check you out, and then we'll see what we can do about removing--" He gestured vaguely. "--all of this." Or you could just keep it at the end of the sentence, but end the dialogue with a period and capitalize the action.

*Bullet*“I’m fine Mom.
Consider a comma before Mom because it's a direct address.

*Bullet*he started but stopped when he saw Josh pointing at this name tag.
Besides the typo on his, consider being more definite with this sentence. Consider, he started but stopped when Josh pointed at his name tag.

*Bullet*I’m tired of you trying to come between me and your Mother.
The title mother doesn't need to be capitalized because it's not being used as a name.

*Bullet*“My Mom,” he began and stopped.
Same thing here. Mom is being used as a title, not a name, so it doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Bullet*“It’s you decision.
Just a typo here on your.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this story. Both the tone and mood supported the story content well and produced a believable and realistic emotional aspect for the reader. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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28
28
Review of Haunting Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Gary Author Icon!

This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

This poem really captured me. Right from the first two lines, I was hooked. You set the mood with that first sentence and maintain it throughout the entire poem with deliberate word choice, sentence structure, and consistent rhythm. I also think you did a very nice job delivering an emotional arc in this piece as the narrator goes from somber and hopeless to longing and waiting. Nice job.

You know, it's funny how things work out sometimes. I was perusing your port to decide whether to send you an MB or an Awardicon for a gift in your current shower, and I ended up staying to read and experience your poetry instead. I read several of your pieces, but this one hit me on a personal level, and I felt I could relate to it. Thanks so much for sharing this.


Tone & Mood

I kind of touched on this already, but I want to elaborate a little bit. I've heard a lot of writers comment that tone isn't that important, and I love pieces like this because they are proof that tone is so very important, especially when conveying emotions that are deep and complex. The first two lines of this piece set the tone and mood through a statement not related to the main subject in content, but that showed the reader the emotional state of the narrator in a way that causes the reader to experience the emotion without even realizing it. The first thing I felt was acute loneliness, and it created the perfect atmosphere for the piece to come to life in.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

I'm almost completely sure that this piece doesn't follow any specific formula or form. I did notice that within each set of four lines, the second and fourth rhymed, and even though the stanzas all varied in length, they all contained sets of four. I think this consistency worked well to contribute to the flow of the piece.

There were only a few minor areas where I stumbled a little bit when I was reading this out loud. If I may be so bold, I would like to offer my thoughts on these spots.


As visions of you
dance quietly through my brain.

When I read this entire stanza, the word As felt awkward to me. My mind automatically wanted to put and there instead. Try it out and see if you agree.


But living without you in this place
is a place I cannot find.

On my second read through, I wondered about this section because to me it doesn't really make sense. I think you're saying that the narrator feels lost without this person, but the phrasing doesn't quite produce that message. Using the word place twice like you have makes me think that both places are the same place, and my mind can't wrap around him being in that place and not being able to find it at the same time. Does that make any sense? Man, I sure hope so! I guess what I'm saying is that the logical part of my mind wouldn't let the impossibility go to allow it to work as figurative language. See what you think.


I know it may sound twisted,
like a crazy lunatic,

Okay, this one is another spot that just didn't sit right with me when I read it because it doesn't quite make sense. When you say, like a crazy lunatic it makes me think of a person, but the first part, I know it may sound twisted doesn't associate with a person, but rather a statement. I think you could eliminate that by using I in place of it in the first line.


know that you’re away for now,
but someday you’re coming home.

The second line here tripped me up just a tiny bit. I wonder if a rewording would allow it to flow easier off the tongue. For example, but someday you'll come home.


I know it would be cleaver

I'm thinking this was just a simple typo. I think cleaver was meant to be clever.


I'm going to pester you with one more thing. I noticed that you used punctuation in this piece, and for the most part, I think you used it well to enhance the flow of the poem. The only thing I wanted to comment on here was that the punctuation wasn't always right on the money as far as punctuation rules go, and I think it would give the piece even more impact if you were to iron those spots out. If you'd like me to show you what I mean, just let me know, and I'd be more than happy to email you my thoughts.

Now, I get to tell you that I loved the third stanza. The flow was superb, and it allowed me to lose myself in the emotion within the words. Excellent work.


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was an emotional, intense, and compelling poem that I thoroughly enjoyed reading over and over. A must read, and one I will happily recommend to others. Thanks again for sharing it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
29
29
Review of Wax Dolls  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Michael Thomas-Knight Author Icon!

This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. as a part of your current shower. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Now this is one of those time where it just goes to show you that everyone has a breaking point, and when given the means, even a child will do what they feel is necessary. In this story, Elizabeth, a young girl, is wronged by her step-father in a horrible way, and her mother wrongs her by not seeing what is happening. When her maid realizes how upset she is, the woman creates wax dolls for her that work like voodo dolls. Her step-father decides to upset Elizabeth by sending away the house maid, and in so doing, pushed Elizabeth over the edge.

On the whole, the story flowed well from scene to scene, and Elizabeth's personality was shown well through her interactions with the other characters, as well as through her thoughts in the narrative. There was just one spot where I felt her character did something that didn't feel natural.

In the following part, Elizabeth goes from being somber to screeching her hate for her mom and step-father. While I understand why she would hate them, I didn't quite believe the switch from calm to freaking out. Consider using a few more lines of dialogue between them beforehand to show her rising temper. I think it would make it more believable for the reader. See what you think.

*Bullet*“She agrees with everything he says and does. Everything! I hate her as much as I hate him!” the young woman screeched.

Excellent first line, I have to say. I was intrigued instantly, and after the second line, I had to know what would happen as her drunk father came home. Very good opening hook to pull the reader in. *Thumbsup*

The ending left me wondering if her step-father had sent the woman away to begin with because even after the deaths, Tichiban said she had to go. That made me think that leaving had been her own choice and that Elizabeth's step-father simply took the credit for it. An interesting ending that left me thinking it over for a while.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*It was promised to me and my sister, before he died.”
The comma here isn't needed because before is acting as a subordinating conjunction.

*Bullet*“Hate is a strong word my child, you are so young to hate,”
Consider a comma before my child since it's a direct address.

*Bullet*She put a finger under the young lady’s chin and pushed her head up.
By using the young lady's in this sentence, it takes it out of Elizabeth's point of view. Consider rephrasing.

*Bullet*Elizabeth squeezed the piece of fruit she had been holding tightly, until it squished out between her fingers like green putty.
Watch out for unnecessary adverbs. Because you show the fruit squishing out her fingers, you don't need to say she held it tightly. The action shows how she's holding it.

*Bullet*She had remained in this situation all these years to protect Emma from the fate she has endured, hoping one day to take her away from this house.
The words has and this take this part into present tense. Consider using had and ending the last sentence with, take her away.

*Bullet*While everyone in the house fell ill, it had not fulfilled its intended consequences.
The part not fulfilled its intended consequences seems a bit off to me. Consider something like, not claimed its intended victim.

*Bullet*She walked several miles into town, the trip took her over an hour, but she was rebuffed at the general store.
The first two sentences are both independent, so the word and is needed to join them. For example, She walked several miles into town, and the trip took over an hour . . . Or you could always use a full stop instead of the comma. Either way would work.

*Bullet*But for all her shouting the proprietor would not yield and she left the store red-faced and angry, . . .
A few commas in this sentence would help it flow a little smoother. Consider a comma after shouting because for all her shouting is an introductory phrase. Also, consider a comma before and she left because and is being used to join two independent clauses.

*Bullet*Fighting back tears she found her voice.
Consider a comma after tears to show the introductory phrase.

*Bullet*Abby sat up in bed, disturbed from a rare afternoon nap.
Consider starting this sentence with In the house, in order to transition the reader a little bit. Or, better yet, consider using a scene break for the section that comes from her mom's point of view.

*Bullet*“No, No Elizabeth!”
The comma here should be a period. Also, consider a comma before Elizabeth because it's a direct address.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this was an entertaining and thought provoking short story. I think a bit of editing could increase the impact it has on the reader. The plot line was smooth, and I think the character of Elizabeth was well developed for the length. Keep up the good work! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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30
30
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Mantis Author Icon!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece as the judge for Round 13 of "Sensual Moments, Vol. 9" Open in new Window.. I hope you find my comments useful!
*Smile*

My Thoughts

This was exceptionally entertaining, I have to say! I smiled through the entire thing, I'm sure, and I was left chuckling to myself at the end. I think what I like best about it is that you managed to entertain me with witty narrative and get my blood flowing at the same time. Right from the beginning, the character was established as bold, outgoing, and confident in her sexuality, and as the story progressed, her spark of interest flared to life in her imagination and grew until she couldn't (or wouldn't, as the case may be *Wink*) hold it back any more. I loved how sensually brazen and unrepentant her thoughts were. The kinds of things that many women think but never have the guts to admit to, let alone act on.

The narrative was casual, personal, and friendly, allowing the reader to feel like a guest inside the character's mind. Instead of hearing about what happened, I felt like I got to experience it, and really, as I look back at the story, you didn't even go into explicit detail. Instead, you got the reader so far into the character's head that the scene unfolded naturally in the reader's mind without the need for a play-by-play.

The beginning paragraph was great. It kind of confused me at first, but when I slowed myself down to match the tone of the words, it became smooth and intriguing. A fault of this reader not paying enough attention to sentence structure cues. *Wink* Excellent work bringing the reader into the story on an active note.

I have a few editing suggestions. They are as follows.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*against her flimsey t-shirt.
I think flimsey should be flimsy.

*Bullet*"Awe yeah it is.
Consider a comma after Awe.

*Bullet*...the scent and intrigue of The Young One, or all of the above she wasn't sure.
Consider a comma after above.

*Bullet*She wanted to press herself all over him, and breathe in his musk as they tumbled and turned and fought for dominance; hands grabbing wrists for control, ...
Since the sentence following the semicolon can't stand alone, consider using an em dash instead.

*Bullet*She longed to tease him, to make him beg for mercy, and tickle him mercilessly; the sound of his laughter offering a comforting caress upon her soul; every chortle and snuffle and gaffaw that issued from him a chorus of manly notes to tickle her heart, and massage the foundations of her feminine fancy.
I love this part, but I do want to suggest alternate punctuation for a smoother flow. Semicolons should only be used to separate independent clauses, not to separate an additional element from the main sentence. Em dashes work perfectly for this. Consider: She longed to tease him, to make him beg for mercy and tickle him mercilessly--the sound of his laughter offering a comforting caress upon her soul--every chortle and snuffle and guffaw that issues from him a chorus of manly notes to tickle her heart and massage the foundations of her feminine fancy. ~ I also emitted the comma before and massage because the same subject performs both actions. See what you think. *Wink*

*Bullet*and she watched transfixed an old time movie reel in sepia tone:
Consider adding on before an for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*as her panties where with cream.
I think where was meant to be were.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An entertaining, light-hearted, and sensual representation of lust at first sight that left me grinning. I definitely recommend this to anyone who enjoys erotic short stories. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
31
31
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Vincent Hunter Author Icon!

This review is a part of your current shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Okay, you definitely got my attention. You started off with an interesting first paragraph that had an instant impact on me as a reader. Right away, I know that this story will be about someone who feels the kind of longing that while not understood, won't go away. The mention of humans being protectors piqued my curiosity about what the character will be like, as well as what type of story will arise from the concept. It set a somber tone, and I think it worked well to pull me in for the read. Nice work.

The first section comes from Wendy's point of view, a teenager looking for information about her mother's past. I was intrigued by the fact that she was nervous about sending the email, and then even more curious about the repercussions after she'd done it. Great work on the structure of the dialogue between the two girls. Their speech felt natural, and their actions supported their conversation well. The only suggestion I have in regards to the dialogue and supporting narrative is placement. When placing dialogue and narrative together in a paragraph, make sure the actions or thoughts always coincide with whoever is talking. For a quick example, you wrote:

... See you in school tomorrow.” The window closed, leaving her alone in her room, a picture now in her hands.

Since the dialogue is coming from Bethany, the reader will instantly assume that the following pronoun her is Bethany, and it will take time for them to stop and figure out it's actually Wendy. By granting the narrative its own paragraph and using Wendy in place of the pronoun, you create a smooth flow from one to the other.

The second section kind of blew my mind a little bit--in a good way. On the first read, I was confused about the dialogue because it seemed like both characters were the same character, but then when I re-read it, I realized that it was intentional. The ending line was great, leaving the piece off with a powerful hook. Excellent work.

I have included a few technical suggestions for your consideration. I hope you find them helpful.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* It creates a longing, almost from birth and some spend their entire lives searching to fill a void they don’t fully understand.
The sentence before this start with, From birth, so the use of the phrase here feels a little repetitious. Consider eliminating it. For example, It creates a longing that some spend their entire...

*Bullet* Wendy Harris, 17, sits at her computer screen with an icon flashing, waiting for her to respond.
I ended up reading this sentence a couple of times to figure it out. First I wondered if I should know who her was, and then the wording with an icon flashing caught my attention. Was she waiting for her friend to respond, or was the flashing icon a way of showing that she herself was supposed to be responding? Consider rephrasing to eliminate confusion.

*Bullet*It’s inner walls are made to look like the interior of a house,...
The word It's should be Its.

*Bullet*You know that Dietrich.”
Consider a comma before Dietrich because it is a direct address.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very effective and intriguing start. After reading it, I am eager to know more about these characters and the world they live in. Keep it up!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
32
32
Review of Once Upon A Time  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. TarynSloane ~ Writing Author Icon!

I was out searching for treasure, and what do you know, I found some in this poem! *Wink*



My Thoughts

This was a very enjoyable poem. Within the first few lines, the rhythm was established, and though I have no clue if you followed a preset pattern or rhyme scheme, I found that it flowed well and that the cadence remained mainly consistent throughout. When I read it out loud, I noted a couple spots that I think could be smoother with a small change here or there, and I have included a couple of suggestions below, but for such a long poem that tells a direct story, I think you did an excellent job keeping the rhythm constant while also keeping the story itself flowing smoothly. I tell you one thing, I know I could never have accomplished it. *Smile* I especially enjoyed this piece while reading it aloud. Nice work.

I enjoyed the ending of this piece the most. The section And even though she loved her knight, / from him she would recover. But the heartbreak from a death of a dream / could last forever. It fit the story well and created a satisfactory ending, and it also made for a thought provoking ending that revealed the piece to be more about the loss of her dream than the loss of the man himself.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Her love, as true and rare as diamonds.
Her dreams, sparkling like gold ;
fueled her hunger for happiness untold.
Consider a comma after diamonds rather than a period. The reason I suggest this is because the two lines work together to create the introduction for the final line. Also, the semicolon doesn't work here because the line following it cannot stand alone. It depends on the first two lines in order to make sense. Consider a comma instead.

*Bullet*thrown into still waters that run deep,
Since this is being told in past tense, consider ran to maintain consistency.

*Bullet*He was all she had wanted,
his love was all she had.
Consider removing the word was in the second line in order to smooth out the flow.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very enjoyable poem from beginning to end, and one I highly recommend. Keep up the excellent work! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
33
33
Review of A Rose Has Fallen  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, AmbyK Author IconMail Icon!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I'm popping by to welcome you to the site. *Smile* I work with your mom in a number of different groups, and when I'd heard you'd joined up, I had to come on over to check you out. I hope you will find my comments and suggestions helpful and encouraging.


My Thoughts

While this is a pretty short poem, it expresses a powerful emotion. The first section where the word "Down" is used three lines in succession gave the feeling of falling slowly, and it set the mood well for the last line of the first stanza. After the reference to "dark dark ground." For me, it created an impression of hitting rock bottom.

The second stanza solidifies the darker emotions, though the last line's reference to the light of the moon feels a bit like a ray of hope. I think it's really cool how you managed to use such subtle ways to express emotion. Almost like a puzzle that the reader can put together. I like that.

To be honest, I would love to see you add on another stanza or two. Consider exploring the idea a bit more. What you have here sets the mood really well and would work great as a solid base to build from. Of course, it works well as it is, too. It's just something for you to consider. Mainly because when I was reading, I'd wished it was longer. *Wink*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

The only punctuation you used in this was one period at the end of the first stanza. Consider removing it for consistency. I think the lack of punctuation worked really well to promote the mood. For me, punctuation is what put words in order, makes them rational, makes them make sense. When no punctuation is used, the words flow a bit more freely, allowing the reader's mind to explore the words with emotional freedom. Does that even make sense? I don't know for sure, but I hope it does! *Laugh*


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed reading this poem. It made me think for a little while about how I interpreted it, and I love that. Keep up the excellent work. I hope you'll love WDC as much as I do. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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34
34
Review of A Scarlet Ribbon  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Hatsuda Author Icon!


I am more than happy to read and review your writing. Please keep in mind that my suggestions are my own opinion, and if you don't agree, no worries!


My Thoughts

This was a very good read. I so wished there would have been room for you to expand on the encounter at the end, but on the other hand, the way it was written made it all the more romantic, so it worked out well.

The story flowed smoothly from beginning to end, and the narrative tone was consistent, allowing for an effortless read.

I really enjoyed Blade's character. He came off as a very kind person who did as much as he could for those around him without sacrificing too much of himself. He made it in business because of people who had been willing to help him when he needed it, and he continued in the same vein as he advanced with his career. A very likable personality trait. I think it's cool that while he was the looker, so to speak, he was the only one who always went home alone. At first, I wondered if he felt he was too good for the women at the bar, but then I realized it was because he wanted more than just a quick fling with some random woman. Very nicely done.

The HEA ending worked well and left me feeling content that the two of them had hooked up again after so many years.


Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, etc.

I have a few minor suggestions for your consideration.

*Bullet* Stepping into the evening air, still displaying a bit of diffuse sunlight lingering on the sidewalk, Blade took in a deep breath...
This sentence caught me for a few seconds. I think you could make it smoother and more easily understood with a small change. Consider, Stepping into the evening air, a bit of diffuse sunlight still lingering on the sidewalk, Blake.... For me, the way it's written made it sound like the air was displaying the sunlight. See what you think.

*Bullet* he saw that one of the drunks had reached around lady’s shoulders
Consider adding the before lady's in order to smooth the sentence flow.

*Bullet*“Ah, there you are my dear.
Because my dear is a direct address, it should have a comma preceding it.

*Bullet* white haired gentleman,
The word white haired can be connected with a hyphen because together, they create a complete adjective.

*Bullet* Lately however, he began to pay way too much attention...
The beginning of this sentence needs a quote mark to show the reader that her dialogue is continuing. No quote mark at the end of the first paragraph, but a continuing quote mark at the beginning of the second.


In Conclusion

A romantic and uplifting reunion between two people who had once been close but never pursued a relationship. Thanks so much for entering round 8 of Sensual Moments. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your entry. *Bigsmile*


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35
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, mARi😭DiagnosedDepression Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I have huge respect and admiration for anyone who can write a dialogue-only story and have it make sense to the reader. It is a very challenging form of writing, and I have to say, you went above and beyond. Not only could I understand and follow the conversation, I could clearly see the emotional effect Romaine Olivia's other personalities had on her.

When I started this story, I had no idea it was about psychological disorders or written for What a Character! Contest. At first, I will admit to a slight amount of confusion about the identity of the other speaker, but rather than stumping me, it intrigued me and pulled me into the story.

Within the first few exchanges, I started feeling Romaine Olivia's stress and fear of her. The fifth paragraph placed the seed in my mind, and then when she called the other speaker Livi, I was almost certain I knew what was going on. As soon as I met Rome, I knew for sure. I liked how you used the clues to create a full story, and I think it's awesome that you managed to do it with dialogue that felt smooth and natural. I often find that the dialogue ends up falling flat and feeling contrived because the author's trying too hard not to use tags or additional information.

The ending was kind of sad. Understanding the root of the disease made it worse because life events caused it.

There's just one thing I wanted to mention about the back and forth in the beginning. With each new paragraph, the reader expects the speaker to change, but it seemed to me that both para 5 and 6 were the same speaker. Take a look and see. I had a hard time trying to decide if it was off or not, so I thought I would mention it, but not actually suggest a change. *Wink*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*You have the power over her don’t let her take you!”
I think there should be a semicolon between her and don't because there are two independent sentences.

*Bullet*You’re just jealous, you can’t see them the way we do!
Consider removing this comma. It isn't needed, and it interrupts the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*You’re going to make a mess of everything she’s build up until now!
I think build should be built.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An intriguing read. I loved how the story caught me from the beginning by making me wonder, and then clued me in little by little as the scene progressed. I had one of those Ahhh moments, the kind where suddenly everything makes sense and when you look back at the story, you see all the hints the author gave you that you didn't quite notice. *Laugh* Gotta love it!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review of Homecoming  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Round 46
Prompt: Need. Hunger.



Hiya, OOT™ Author Icon!

I am more than happy to read and review your work. Any suggestions I provide are my opinion. Always feel free to disagree.

My Thoughts

I enjoyed reading this story. I really liked how you used the prompt. Rather than pure physical hunger, you concentrated on showing how deep the emotions ran between Sheila and Tony. She desired him like she'd never desired anyone before, and while she knew she should feel guilty about needing him so bad, she couldn't help her mind from straying to him constantly.

I loved Tony's character. He was sexy, sensual, compelling, sweet and sultry at the same time . . . it doesn't get much better than that. *Wink*

The chemistry between them was great. I had no trouble feeling the overwhelming hunger they had for each other. I'm sure these two will be the kind that just never get enough of each other. *Smile*

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and the tone and mood were held constant through active narrative. Very nice job!


Suggestions

*Bullet* "The gas tank is in a much better position to wait than I am," Shelia smiled ruefully . . .
Since this dialogue is followed by an action, the comma after am should be a period.


In Conclusion

A steamy, romantic read that left me wanting to see this couple in action again. Thanks so much for entering Round 46 of "The Weekly Quickie Contest" Open in new Window.. *Bigsmile*

*BalloonR* Congrats! You have won an Honorable Mention for this entry. Your GP prize is attached to this review. *Bigsmile*


Tone & Mood *Right* 1.0
Plot & Characters *Right* 1.0
Technical Aspects *Right* 1.0
Use of Prompt *Right* 1.0
*Blush* Blush Factor *Blush* *Right* 0.5
Total Rating *Right* 4.5


~A.J. Lyle~ Author Icon

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, keikei-love critical reviews! Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Oh, goodness. I can already feel the emotional strain and it's only chapter one. I'm sure it will only become more and more intense as the story continues.

Your introduction on this first chapter was very intriguing, and I was interested in the story right away. At the mention of her having the kind of beauty that would make men sin, I felt a wave of fear for her. Within the first few paragraphs, I knew I was in for a hard read.

I love how deeply you've delved into Zaharra's mind. Not only does the reader get a feel for what she's goes through at her cousin's hand, but the reader gets to feel her as a young girl. To see the way she loves her father, how much she helps her father by taking care of the house and meals, shows that she is a responsible young woman. You allow the reader to see her hopes for the future, and though she is dwelling on them in a negative light as being unattainable, the reader gets to see a lot about the world she lives in and how society views things.

Not only is Zaharra suffering through a hard time at the present, but there's also hints about the past not being that good, either. I have many questions about why she wasn't a virgin when her cousin raped her, whether she was a victim once already, or whether it was her choice. With the basis of her religious views, I tend to think she was somehow lured into it. Not too sure, but I know that I want to find out.

As I read this, I felt a heaviness settle in my stomach, and that tells me two things. First, I'm scared of what will happen next, and second, no matter what happens, I feel a need to know. Strange how that happens sometimes. Good, but strange. *Wink*

The chapter flows very well from beginning to end, and besides final editing, I have just one suggestion for you about the flow. At the end, the chapter seemed to fizzle out instead of leave off with a hook. Instead of revealing that the person to be stoned is a woman and then having Zaharra wonder why, perhaps end it on a suspenseful note by revealing that it's a woman in a way that shows Zaharra's surprise, but doesn't give any other details. Then the reader will feel compelled to keep reading.

Regardless, I would keep reading, but anything we can do to make the writing more active is good.

All in all, a very enticing and emotional first chapter. I can't wait to get to know this girl better, and hopefully, see her happy eventually. Keep up the amazing work.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Round 38
Prompt: Let's get hot and heavy in a hotel.



Hiya, Purple Catching Up Author Icon!

I am more than happy to read and review your work. Any suggestions I provide are my opinion. Always feel free to disagree.

My Thoughts

A very satisfying encounter, I must say. You used a clever mix of vivid descriptions and active narrative to pull the reader into the story to not only watch them, but to be able to feel the heat between them, the passion and need that they shared. His dominant attitude was done perfectly to be sexy instead of controlling or overbearing. It was just enough to add a little spice. Nicely done.

I enjoyed the smooth arc of the story as it progressed and the sexual tension increased. I found it easy to lose myself in their desire. The ending made me grin and wonder what she had in mind for him. My imagination provided several rather interesting scenarios. *Wink*

You did a good job on these two characters, as well. I could sense that they were comfortable with each other, and the way Taylor perked up when he saw her in her outfit made me like him right away because it showed just how much he wanted her. Knowing that they were both so eager amped up the intensity.


Suggestions

*Bullet*A smile remained on her face as she entered the room and quickly changed . . .
When I see the word remained, I think of it as a reminder of something that happened previously. I think you might try using this to introduce her smile and create some imagery for the reader. What kind of smile was it? Perhaps something like, A sinful smile stretched her lips as she entered the room . . . I'm not sure that works either, but it pops out at me as a great place to begin showing the level of her arousal.

*Bullet*She lingered at the closed door concentrating on slowing her erratic heartbeat before strutting into room.
To ensure that the phrase concentrating on slowing her erratic breathing is modifying She from earlier in the sentence, consider a comma after door. That way the reader doesn't get confused and think that the door is the one concentrating. *Wink*

*Bullet*until those dark eyes sparkled and landed on her.
In this sentence, you are indicating that his eyes sparkled before his gaze landed on her. I think it would work better if he saw her, and seeing her made his eyes sparkle. What do you think?

*Bullet*and catching her breathe.
I think the word breathe should be breath. The e on the end makes the ea give a hard vowel sound, and the absence of the e creates the soft vowel sound.

*Bullet*Gasping for breath she broke the kiss, spreading her legs granting him full access as her body caught fire, . . .
Consider adding the word and between legs and granting in order to further increase the smooth flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*One quick thrust and Taylor filled her and then set the pace. Long, slow thrusts followed by short and quick, . . .
I think you could increase the flow of this section by rewording just a little bit. For me, the added on and then set the pace took away from the sensual act of her being filled. Consider something like, One quick thrust and Taylor filled her. He set the pace with long, slow thrusts, followed by short and quick, . . . In my opinion, using the pacing to start the next sentence feels a bit smoother. See what you think.

*Bullet*he reached around cupping both
Consider he reached around and cupped both in order to avoid repetition with the ing words.

*Bullet*I noticed that you tend to use the word as often in order to show two things happening at the same time. While it's very useful, it tends to get repetitious fast. Consider substituting some of them with words that mean the same such as when and while.


In Conclusion

A satisfying and intense encounter that uses the character's personalities, emotions, and reactions to tantalize the reader. I enjoyed it very much. *Smile*

Just in case you feel the urge to expand this story, you might consider the upcoming round of "Sensual Moments, Vol. 9" Open in new Window.. The prompt being posted tomorrow will be very similar to this one. Just sayin' . . . *Wink*


Tone & Mood *Right* 1.0
Plot & Characters *Right* 1.0
Technical Aspects *Right* 0.5
Use of Prompt *Right* 1.0
*Blush* Blush Factor *Blush* *Right* 1.0
Total Rating *Right* 4.5


~A.J. Lyle~ Author Icon

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya, lorrielee kelley Author Icon!

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. ! The Lightning Package has been ordered for you from: Itchy Water~fictionandverse Author Icon and includes the reviews of three fiction stories! This is review 3 of 3. Enjoy! *Fire*


My Thoughts

I really liked this story. The basis of it really appealed to me as I was reading, and the narrative voice that told the story was emotional and factual at the same time, granting the reader a chance to feel emotion while hearing about the people in an indirect way. I liked that because it did more than just relate this one family's experiences, it gave the reader a look at the 'bigger picture', and that will cause people to really think about the lesson to learned by this family. Great work on that.

I think the heading of 'Two tortured souls...' that you used was effective in its repetition. It also made it even more powerful when it became, 'One tortured soul...'. Very nice.

The structure of the piece was great. Each paragraph took the character farther ahead in time, revealing details about this couple. Right from the beginning, the reader knows it doesn't turn out well by the last sentence, "Two souls already in turmoil." and I would normally say that keeping the reader in suspense would be best, but because of the overall scope you get with it the way it is, for once I am saying that I think it worked very well to give that information up front. *Thumbsup*

The only thing I suggest for this is to do some editing to give the reader the full effect of the piece by creating a smoother read. I really believe you have a great, emotional story here, and I am glad that I got a chance to read and review it. *Bigsmile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Moved far away from everything they knew, bringing their daughter in tow, they moved to a great place that...
Consider rephrasing just a little bit here. The 'bring their daughter in tow' doesn't quite flow. Also, the word 'that' is out of place. Consider something like, 'Moved far away from everything they knew, their daughter in tow, to a great place with ...'

*Bullet*Moving broke her heart, the little girl was now well on her way to also became a tortured soul.
Consider separating these two sentences with a full stop. Since they are independent sentences, the comma is a comma splice. Or, you could add an 'and' after the comma to create a proper coordinating conjunction between the two clauses.

*Bullet*always holding the others vice over each others heads,...
Consider apostrophe's in 'other's' to show possession.

*Bullet*The daughter got married, more then once...
The word 'then' should be 'than'.

*Bullet*was more then she could handle.
The word 'then' should be 'than'.

*Bullet*This isn’t what she wanted
The word 'isn't' should be 'wasn't' in order to maintain the tense.

*Bullet*The only visitor he had in long hospital stay...
Consider 'during the' instead of 'in' to grant a smoother flow.

*Bullet*Then the cancer went into remission and went back to work.
Who went back to work?

*Bullet*His long, laborious, unhappy life over.
Consider, 'His long, laborious life--over.' for more impact.

*Bullet*His tortured soul gently lifted out and brought to the place where all things are made new again.
The word 'brought' doesn't fit in this sentence unless something 'brought' him. Consider, 'went' instead.

*Bullet*...was the worse torture imaginable.
The word 'worse' should be 'worst.'

*Bullet* that went on much longer then anyone expected.
The word 'then' should be 'than'.

*Bullet*Kissing her she left the room, and couldn’t look back.
The comma in this sentence isn't quite right. Consider: Kissing her, she left the room and couldn't look back.

*Bullet*In the second last paragraph, the voice changes from one relating events, to talking directly to the author. Consider placing the lesson in the daughter's perspective so that it doesn't pull the reader out of the story. Consider something like, 'The lesson she learned from all of this?'


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A compelling read with an original and effective approach to telling a story. I really enjoyed it. If you decide to edit, please let me know. I'd love to come back and re-rate it accordingly. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!



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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Princess Zelda Author Icon!

This is the first of two reviews that you won in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you so much for your generous support! *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

Ah, now this is one of those poems that can mean something different to every person who reads it. I love that! You use the rain to show the breaking of the storm after a long period of drought/pain. It rejuvenated and fed the land, as well as the person standing below it. I love how the person and the earth are shown in the same light. This person felt dried up, like there was nothing left inside to give, but the rain helped to cleanse those negative emotions and grant hope. A great theme. I really enjoyed reading this. *Smile*


Tone & Mood

You used tone with great effect in this piece. The use of tiny steps hurrying gave me a sense of anticipation as I was reading, waiting for the rain to grant the release that was so desperately needed for continuation and hope. The last stanza left me with a great sense of hope.


Emotional Impact

This poem affected me on an emotional level because I could relate to it. I've been in situations in my life where I felt the drought of hopelessness, when negative emotion ruled me, and I love how this poem shows that pain, but then also shows the release from that pain. Very encouraging for the reader.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

I didn't notice any rhyme or syllable count in this piece, so I am assuming it's freestyle. For the most part, it flows well, though I did notice a couple of lines that I think could be shortened for a smoother flow and greater impact. I have provided a few suggestions below for your consideration. *Smile*


Suggestions

*Bullet*I could hear the approaching steps
The word 'could' here doesn't mesh with the tense in the rest of the poem. Consider deleting it for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*of rain drops kissing the awaiting parched earth.
This line threw my rhythm when I was reading it out loud. Consider shortening it by removing 'awaiting' or perhaps even splitting it into two lines. Since the ending stanza has four lines, it would seem natural for the first to have four as well. See what you think.

*Bullet*One thing I noticed is that you used the word 'parched' twice. In a piece this short, it felt slightly repetitive. Consider replacing the word with a synonym at one spot or the other. If you were to change the 'parched' associated with the earth, I would suggest fallow as an alternative.

*Bullet*the shower descends deep into my soul,
The word 'into' caused me to stumble here. Consider using just 'in'.


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I love pieces that can be interpreted differently depending on who is reading them. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. If you don't agree with my suggestions, don't worry! They are my opinion, and it doesn't hurt my feelings if you don't agree. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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Review of The Glimpse  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Drake Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I really enjoyed reading this short story. The first paragraph drew me in, and the second one hooked me through the reference to 'The Glimpse'. I found it very intriguing how she had been warned about what was to come, and I found myself needing to know 'what was to come'. Nice work.

The tone started out casual with a hint of anticipation. Her thoughts regarding The Glimpse and then the following hints like, 'after today', worked really well to increase the anticipation as the reader moves through the story.

The descriptions were just enough to allow me to see the area without overtaking or stalling the story, and in fact, the descriptions of the event were the story near the end as the different races emerged.

I was curious at the end about how she used her marketing experience to get the people ready, but in a short story, it's not so important. I'm just a curious George. *Wink*

One thing I would have liked to experience in more detail was her conversation with Bronson in the restaurant. I think adding in some of their dialogue and his immediate reactions would enhance the suspense for the reader by showing them what was at stake. Something for you to consider. *Wink*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have included some suggestions for your consideration. *Smile*

*Bullet*This first suggestion has nothing to do with grammar, but I think it would help the reader. Your first sentence is 'New Orleans, 2030.' Consider using that as a sort of header by placing it above the first sentence of the story and separating it by white space. Also, it would be easier for the reader if there were lines of white space in between each paragraph. It reduces the chance of it 'melding together' on the screen. Something for you to think about, if nothing else. *Smile*

*Bullet*It had to be early because as she cracked her eyelids open she saw that dark purple hue the early morning was so known for.
Consider a comma after 'open' to show that 'as she cracked her eyelids open' is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*Of course she could also say that this was the deep purple of the late night but that was not true.
Consider: 'but she knew that was not true' to bring the perspective in closer to the character.

*Bullet*this would be the day to see if she was the indeed the one who should have been trusted with the knowledge that there were more sentient beings on earth than just humans.
Consider replacing 'to see' with something like 'she would discover'. Also, the flow over this part: 'if she was the indeed the one' is a touch off. I think the first 'the' is out of place.

*Bullet*She showered then put on her business suit.
Consider adding a comma and an 'and' before 'then' to give the sentence a smoother flow. For example: She showered, and then put on her business suit.

*Bullet* She kissed her boyfriends cheek
The word 'boyfriend's' should have an apostrophe to show possession.

*Bullet*before she head out into the early
I think 'head' was meant to be 'headed'.

*Bullet*as far as marketing goes.
Consider using 'went' instead of 'goes' in order to maintain the past tense.

*Bullet*She order two beignets and a coffee.
I think 'order' was meant to be 'ordered'.

*Bullet* the man could’ve been a quarter black, but he could also be part Brazilian, no telling these days.
You slip into present tense here, and the ending part of the sentence could be offset with a semicolon. Consider: but he could have also been part Brazilian; there was just no telling these days.

*Bullet*Here she scrutinizes the racial background of these people when it will all be irrelevant after today.
The words 'scrutinizes' and 'will' are present tense. Consider: There she sat, scrutinizing the racing background of these people when it would all become irrelevant today.

*Bullet*“Yeah Bronson, it is.
Consider a comma before 'Bronson' to show that it is a direct address.

*Bullet* 3:32PM
The PM should be separated from the time by a space. You could also use lower case letters with periods: p.m.

*Bullet*and watched the street become filled with people.
Consider using more active language. For example: 'the street filled with people' can show it happening, rather than just talking about it happening.

*Bullet*It wasn’t carnival but the streets
Consider 'a' before 'carnival'.

*Bullet*She watched her bosses eyes glaze
The word 'bosses' indicates two of them. I think it should be 'boss's'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An intriguing, enjoyable, and intense short story. With a bit of editing, it will go from good to great by increasing the ease of the read. You have a great concept and talent for writing believable fantasy. Keep it up! If you decide to edit, please let me know. I'd be more than happy to come back and re-rate it appropriately. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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42
42
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, aralls!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I really enjoyed reading this short story. The first paragraph caught my attention and pulled me in for the read. I was intrigued right away by the clues that were given about her personality. I wanted to know why she was angry, and then, with the last sentence, I knew I had to know what happened to the one person who didn't get the hint to stay away. A great opening hook.

The tone you used in the narrative was casual and personal. I fell into the rhythm of Jenny's perspective with ease, and I really enjoyed how her personality came through her inner thoughts, as well as the narrative itself. I could see what she saw, feel what she felt, and understand her reactions as the scene progressed. I think she acted very realistically for someone who lived the life she had, and who struggled to be able to understand and define themselves.

The dialogue flowed well, and I had no trouble following it throughout. The word choices felt natural for the characters. Nice work.

The theme of this story was a strong one. Jenny lived a life of struggle, right from an early age. As a teenager, she struggled to find herself, to understand who she was and what she wanted. The assignment she is given from her English teacher forces her to view her life in a different way, and it ends up teaching her something very important about herself. Very nicely done. The ending left me feeling satisfied and hopeful.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*“It’s fine. I’m goin’ to Peaks and chill in my room.”
This sentence sounds off to me. I think it's the 'and'. For me, it would sound right to say, "I'm gonna go to Peaks and chill in my room" or "I'm goin' to Peaks to chill in my room." See what you think.

*Bullet*Technically, it’s a weed, not flower.
Consider adding an 'a' before 'flower' in order to smooth the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*Life’s not kind when you’re mother’s a crack whore.
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very enjoyable short story about a young girl trying to find herself. Compelling, thought provoking, and emotional. I would recommend it in a second. *Smile* Keep up the amazing work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, keikei-love critical reviews! Author Icon!

I am more than happy to stop by with a review for "Sins of a Woman Introduction" Open in new Window.. I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile*


My Initial Reaction

First off, excellent introductory sentence. I was immediately interested in reading on. In my experience, it's that very beginning of the first chapter that the reader sees that decides whether or not the reader wants to keep reading. If I had picked this up in a book store and read that, I would have kept reading for sure.

I have to tell you, I love the idea behind this story. Taking the reader from the mind of a child suffering abuse to the mind of a woman who has had enough was a very good way to emotionally connect the reader to the character. At the end, when her identity is revealed, it makes it even more intriguing because it's an original concept to write the story of this unknown woman's walk with God. I look forward to reading it.


Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone you used in this was serious and emotional. I think it did a great job of helping to set up the intense mood as the reader learns about how deep the scarring of this woman goes. *Thumbsup*

As far as I could tell, the tense and point of view were both consistent, and I think they were also both effective. I'm not sure if the book will follow in first person, but I'm thinking it would work out well. First person is often hard to keep consistent, but you made it look easy.


Plot/Theme

Like I said in my reaction above, I really like the idea for this story. I think it's very original, and I can't wait to see how you go about it. From the reference to a tunic, rather than a shirt, and the Bible, I'm hoping that this will be set in times past. We'll see as I get going on the next chapter, I guess. *Wink*


Characterization

The characterization of this woman was set up well in this prologue. You tell the reader, through her thoughts, about her abusive and melancholy past, and then lead up to her shift in attitude as she gives up on God and His plans for her. It's a realistic change, considering all the hardships she's been through, and it makes for an intense base in which to build her character in detail later on. Nice work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*A still small voice travelled on the wind and the earth stirred in response to the gentleness of its commanding authority, when the word of the Lord came to me concerning my future.
I stumbled just slightly on this sentence. Consider a comma after 'still' to show that 'still' and 'small' are two separate adjectives being used to describe 'voice.' Also, consider a comma before 'and' because both, 'A still, small voice travelled on the wind' and 'the earth stirred in response to the gentleness of its commanding authority' are independent clauses, so the 'and' is working as a coordinating conjunction to combine them. One last thing. I'm not sure that you need the comma before 'when.' As far as I know, it could be left out to grant a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I know the plans I have for you. I heard Him say to me.
Since 'I heard Him say to me' is acting as a thought tag, it should be a part of the sentence with the thought. For example: I know the plans I have for you, I heard Him say to me.

*Bullet*You shall seek and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart.
Consider eliminating the second 'shall' for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*Plans of peace and not to harm me you say?
Consider a comma before 'you say' because it is an added question to the main sentence.

*Bullet* As the years droned on, there’s only so much evil one could withstand and I no longer wanted to know the Almighty One's plans.
Consider, 'As the years droned on, there was only so much evil I could withstand, and I no longer wanted to know the Almighty One's plans. For me, it flows easier. See what you think.


In Conclusion

A well-written, compelling, intense, and intriguing prologue. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, CeruleanSon Author Icon!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower! *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

Oh, my. I loved this poem! Your use of colloquial speech was great. I could hear it well as I read it out loud, and I had to laugh at the end. That last line couldn't have been done any better. *Laugh*


Tone & Mood

The tone in this was light and conversational, and it worked well to help set the humorous mood created throughout by the content. I think it was suitable and effective. *Smile*


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

The rhyme scheme in this was ABAB. All of the words chosen for the rhymes felt natural and unforced. The syllable count was almost perfect throughout at 8-6-8-6. I found one spot where the count was seven, and I think I may have found an alternative for you.

*Bullet*But thinkin' of a wink or two
With a sigh, I close me eyes.
The second line here has 7 syllables. Since this is first person, you could say, 'I sigh and close me eyes' and it would keep the syllable count uniform throughout. See what you think.

The flow was very good throughout, and I especially enjoyed this piece when I read it out loud. In fact, my sister and my husband enjoyed it too! *Wink*

One of the things I liked best about this poem was how you used figurative language and personal comments from the Irishman to enhance the humor. The following excerpt was my favorite:

'Round and around me tree they fly
Words o' pow'r, loud and clear.
I watch the Banshee Queen draw nigh,
Me fingers in me ears.

Once I got to the end and figured out who the 'Banshee Queen' was, I couldn't stop giggling. Very nice!


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A very effective, entertaining, and humorous poem. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you so much for posting it and allowing me to read and comment on it. *Smile* Keep up the great work!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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Review of Aches & Pains  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, ~ Santa Sisco ~ Author IconMail Icon!

This is the second of two reviews that you won in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you again for your outstanding support!


My Personal Impression

I have to admit, I loved the message in this poem. So many people suffer from aches and pains of various kinds, whether they are physical, mental, or emotional, and I love how you show that though there can be much pain in life, there are those who can and will help us to get through them and continue on to experience life to the fullest. A very strong and important message, for sure.


Tone & Mood

The tone in this was emotional and conversational, and I really commend you for being able to keep it consistent throughout the entire piece. The mood was uplifting and encouraging, and when I finished reading it, I found myself feeling optimistic and strengthened by the faith shown. Nice work. *Thumbsup*


Emotional Impact

I believe the emotional impact in this piece is great. For me, someone who struggles with depression on a daily basis, it hit home in a very real way.
You describe some of life's aches and pains, showing that you have experienced them and found a way to get past them, to continue on and have a fulfilling life. You take the time to indicate that those around us can help us, if only we allow them to. These are all very good aspects that when put together, grant hope and faith in the reader.

I think that even those who don't suffer from clinical depression have experienced turmoil in their life, and I really believe that any one who reads this will be touched by the message contained within it.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

The rhyme scheme you use is AABB, and I feel it was smooth and unforced. Your word choices felt natural, and I think you did an excellent job at choosing words that expressed what you wanted them to.

There were a few times where I stumbled just slightly as I read it out loud, but on the whole, I feel it flowed smoothly. I loved that you didn't force a specific syllable count. I often find that in emotional pieces such as this, a perfect count tends to make it feel superfluous, and that the impact is often damaged as a result.


Suggestions

*Bullet*We pick ourselves up, get back into the race.
Until the next hurdle we have to face.
These two lines are the only ones that tripped me up when I was reading out loud. I think you could smooth them out by changing 'into' to 'in' and adding a few syllables to the last line. Perhaps something like: Until the next hurdle we are forced to face. Or something like that. I think it would give it that much more punch as the ending line. See what you think.


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I loved this poem from beginning to end. The message is strong and clear, and so very important for the entire world to hear. Keep up the amazing work! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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Review of Throw aways  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Homeless but not hopeless Author IconMail Icon!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I chose this item because a friend recommended it to me. *Smile*


My Thoughts

While short, this essay is very intense and compelling. The tone was casual, and it made me feel like I was inside your head, or even hearing you talk over a cup of coffee. It worked really well to pull me in on an emotional level quite quickly.

I have to say, I think the way you expressed your thoughts about being a disposable person came across really well. I could sense the uncertainty and fear laced through, and the use of questions enhanced that mood nicely. It gave the impression of confusion, but not hopelessness. The mood I felt at the end was uplifting and determined. It made me feel powerful, like no matter what happens in a person's life, it's up to them to view it in a light that will help them have the inner strength to use it to their advantage.

I commend you for writing about this topic. Not many people do for some reason, but it's a very real part of life for many people. I've never been homeless, but I have lived through some very difficult times where food was scarce and money was rare. Regardless, I believe that even those who have never done without will be touched by this piece in a way that sticks with them long after they finish reading.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* While this piece is short, consider using a bit of white space so that it doesn't show up as a 'block' of writing. Many people find it hard to follow the lines on a computer screen when they are all lumped together. Just add an extra line in between each paragraph to grant a smoother read.

*Bullet*One main thing I noticed was that you didn't use apostrophes in contractions such as 'can't, won't, didn't' and so on. Consider adding those in. This piece is so full of emotional impact that I think cleaning up the inconsistencies would allow that impact to be the main focus, as it should be.

*Bullet* There were a few spelling errors that would be easy enough to find if you use the spell checker provided by WDC. After you save your item in your portfolio, go to it and click on the word Spell on the top right of the screen, just under where the rating of the piece is displayed. It will show you any errors. *Smile*


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

An intense, emotional, and compelling essay about how homeless people feel. The continual question, "Am I just a throwaway?" was very effective in making the reader think about the topic, and it will resound with them long after reading. If you decide to edit this, please let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate it appropriately. Keep up the great work. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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Review of A Soldiers Story  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Fletch Author IconMail Icon!

I found you highlighted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" Open in new Window. and thought I would stop in for a read. *Smile*


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I chose this item from your port because I really enjoy emotional pieces, and the description of this, as well as the title, pointed toward something more than the average story.


My Thoughts

I love the basis for this piece. A soldier remembers his time on the battlefield, his lost friends, and how lucky he is that he received a second chance to live life, unlike many of his brothers-in-arms. This has the potential to be a really emotional, tear jerker, and I would love to give you a few suggestions to mull over and see if you think they would help you spice the story up a bit.

For me, this came across as a telling of what happened. I could see what emotions you were trying to invoke in the reader, and don't get me wrong, all of the needed story elements are there in order to do so. I don't know if you've come across the "Show, Don't Tell" issue yet, but in my years of writing, I've discovered that showing through actions, dialogue, and reactions can take a piece of writing to the next level by allowing the reader to see, hear, feel, and taste the scene, rather than just hear about it. It's like the difference between reading a summary of a book, and reading the book itself.

When I say, show, don't tell, what I'm saying is to slow down the scene a little bit and give the reader a glimpse of what is going on. Try this out for an example:

He felt the bullet enter and felt the ground suddenly come up to meet his backside.

In this section you use the word 'felt.' It is one of the words that 'tell' instead of show because it glosses over what the character feels. Instead, consider describing to the reader what that felt like. Here is a rewrite to give you an idea of what I mean, but it in no way is what I think you should write. It's just an example.

A sharp, searing pain flashed through his abdomen and in a second of confusion, the ground rose up to meet him. He stumbled and landed hard on his backside, pain blooming and spreading throughout him.

Like I said, it's probably nothing like what you would write, and I'm sure you can do better, but it gives the reader an idea of what the pain felt like to him, as well as the fact that he became confused and fell to the ground.

One of my favorite learning tools for discovering how to 'show' is Show, Don't Tell  Open in new Window. It helped me to understand the difference between the two, as well as branched me out to some other sites that help writers find a balance between active and passive voice that works for them.

The only other suggestion I have is to watch for repetitious words. The word 'suddenly,' while very useful, can be overused without even realizing it. If you use a word too often, readers can become agitated by being constantly told something. Just something for you to keep in mind.


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

I think this story has a lot of potential, and from the fluid sentence structure and your command of weaving words, I know that you will be able to bring it to life for your readers. Like I said above, all of the necessary elements are there to make this an emotive read, and I think that with a little bit more showing of these elements, you will find a balance that allows your reader to feel what the soldier feels. If you decide to edit, please let me know. I'd love to see this piece evolve, and I'd be more than happy to reread and re-rate it accordingly. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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48
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Sapphire!

Wow. What a wonderful review. I decided to read the review before reading the piece, and I have to tell you, I really wanted to read it by the time I'd finished going over the review. You were so very encouraging, and I just loved how you shared the reasons why you enjoyed this story so much. By doing that, you have enabled the author to see what the reader sees, and in so doing, gives him/her an invaluable tool for future writing.

Your review was thorough without droning on. Your friendly tone made it a joy to read through. Keep up the excellent work.

~Joy

Oh! Try to remember to put your assignments on "Review Only."
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Farooq Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

An intense and compelling read, for sure! I really enjoyed reading this. I found myself pulled along with very little effort on my part. You did a great job of creating intrigue and suspense in this.


My Thoughts

The flow of the story was really well done from beginning to end. I found the sentence structure was smooth and complimented the casual but tense tone of the narrative. The first paragraph set the mood as dark and ominous, and the stop at the petrol station lightened it up just enough to make it seem like nothing at all was wrong.

I jumped when he first saw Neel's eyes in the backseat, but as they began to converse, I relaxed a bit. Nicely done. They talked of unimportant things for a little bit, and the foreshadowing of Raven's thoughts about the scar on Neel's face was just enough to keep the tension building without giving anything away.

Loved the ending. Excellent, excellent work on that.

I have a few suggestions for you to take into consideration below.


General Suggestions

*Bullet* A pair of oval eyes were staring at him.
When I first read this sentence, I thought it was eyes looking back at him through his own reflection. Instead, it was someone in the backseat. Perhaps add that in to make sure the reader knows what's coming. For example: A pair of oval eyes stared at him from the backseat.


My Favorite Parts

I can't put my favorite part here without giving away the best part of the story, so I'll just say that it was just after Sonal broke up with him over the phone. Ah, I didn't see it coming. Nice work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*it deceived the eyes, making colors seem what they are not.
The word are should be were in order to maintain tense.

*Bullet*could charm anyone into doing his biding.
I think biding should be bidding.

*Bullet*There should be a comma before any words used as a direct address such as names and endearments like 'honey, dumpling', etc.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An intense, compelling, intriguing, and satisfying read from beginning to end. Very nice work on this. Keep up the great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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50
50
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya, Farooq Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

Ah, now this was a sweet story. I love reading stories like this that can leave me feeling happy, like love really can conquer all for some people. For Aarush, it seemed that Mayana's love gave him the bit of oomph, or confidence, he needed in order to take matters into his own hands with the backstabbing Paneel. Nice work.


My Thoughts About the Story

This story was well written and flowed well from beginning to end. At first, I felt that the beginning was a bit slow, but after the revelation in his boss's office, it took off and didn't slow back down. I was going to suggest that you might want to start it off with a bit more tension, but after reading the whole thing, I don't think you need to. The beginning part becomes quite important as the story progresses in order for the reader to connect to Aarush and understand his motivations for what he does and doesn't do.

I have to admit, I loved the scene with Mayana in the restaurant. They were both so sweet, and the nervous glances and small talk created a very intense atmosphere for the revelation that comes about while they are there. Their dialogue felt natural for the most part, and it worked well to pull the story along.

The ending was plain wonderful. I could have clapped a round of applause for what Aarush did before he left. Not only because it will make Paneel's life a living hell, but because Aarush had the nerve to do it. A very nice arc of character growth.

There were only a couple of things that I think you could work on to increase the effect this story has on the reader. First, there were some places where the speech in the narrative felt a bit too formal. For the most part, the tone is very casual, but certain phrasings created a formal tone that contradicted the casual atmosphere. The main part where I found this was when Aarush was speaking to Paneel. Paneel's speech was much more formal than Aarush's. The other thing I think you could look at is some corrections that I listed below. There were some sentences that I wasn't quite sure what you were getting at, and when that happens, the reader is taken out of the story to try and figure it out. As writers, we want to keep the reader glued to the words, not wondering about their meanings.

I have offered some suggestions below in an effort to help you smooth this story out a bit more. It is already a very good read, but I think with a little work, it could be a spectacular love story.


General Suggestions

*Bullet*“Just because he brown noses you doesn’t mean you will listen to his crap,”
The word will indicates a demand. I don't think that's what you want here. Consider using the word should instead.

*Bullet*he gets up and stares me in the face.
This sentence seems a bit awkward to me. Consider something like, 'he stares me down'.

*Bullet*“My girlfriend didn’t like spicy food but I just freak out.”
I'm not sure what this sentence means. Does he freak out as in he gets mad at his girlfriend? Or does he freak out as in he loves spicy food? You may want to rephrase to reduce confusion.

*Bullet*In a couple places you have the same speaker continuing to speak but you place the dialogue in separate paragraphs. When it is the same speaker, it can all go in one paragraph.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Today is my last day at office.
Consider adding the before office.

*Bullet*"Leaving today, Aarush?" she smiles affably.
The word she should be capitalized because it's an action, not a dialogue tag. Whenever an action precedes or follows dialogue, it should be its own sentence. When a dialogue tag follows dialogue to describe how something was said, then it is considered a part of the dialogue.

*Bullet*I hug and slap him on his back, “Man, last night simply rocked.
The comma after back should be a period because the narrative is an action.

*Bullet*“Ah Mr. Aarush, come in.”
Consider a comma before Mr. Aarush because it's a direct address.

*Bullet*“Hmm…,” he says looking through me.
The comma after the ellipses isn't needed. The ellipses itself is enough. Also, consider a comma after says in order to separate the two verbs. There are several places where the comma after the ellipses isn't needed.

*Bullet*I look at him as if he were a bug that needs to be squashed.
The word were is past tense. In order to maintain the present tense, consider using the word is.

*Bullet*“Praneel is relieved today”, he says.
The comma should be in front of the quote mark.

*Bullet* A fascinating visual of her eating while driving pops and I grin.
Consider adding up after pops. Then it will read as though the idea popped up for him to see rather than popped as in exploded.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I very much enjoyed reading this story. Aarush was presented as a well-rounded character and I grew to like him easily. His emotions came across well through the narrative and his actions, and I cared about what he did. That's one of the hardest and most important things in a love story, and you did it marvelously. Keep on writing, Farooq. You have a flare for romance, that's for sure! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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