Jim's (jim-d) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

3,492 Public Reviews Given

3,540 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.

I'm good at...

I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).

Favorite Genres

Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense

Least Favorite Genres

Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.

Least Favorite Item Types

I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.

I will not review...

I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.

101

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4829808

Review of Wrong Address

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey ajar627
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3^rd WDC Anniversary!

First Impression  After the first two paragraphs, I wondered where your story would go, it didn't proceed as I thought it would. That's a good thing in many ways.

Story line/Plot  For a story of less than 222 words long, you did a nice job in writing this. It's almost impossible to get a nice plot going, but you managed well with the limits placed on your entry. Well done!

Characters:  I liked Stanley Jones, but he has more patience, and helped the stranger far more than I would have been inclined to help.

General Comments:

21 - I saw nothing that stood out, needing editing, and screamed at me . Where are other 20 comments? I think that strange man in the top hat and cloak took them.

Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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102

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#4829583

Review of The Other Side...

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Robin:TheRhymeMaven

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 17^th WDC Anniversary!

This poem of yours is very good, and oh so true. Your poem discusses what I've said for so many years. Give a person power, they become corrupt. It takes a truly great person to not yield to that. Sadly, almost all do, whether they be Democrat or Republican. This is well written and flows equally well. You use an ABAB rhyme scheme throughout, but there is one small thing you might want to consider should you decide to edit this.

1. In this verse, hate and chant do not rhyme.

They stoke their crowds in seas of hate
as lies sustain their haze.
It sends a chill to hear them chant
with shouts of love and praise.

I really enjoyed your take on 'The Other Side'. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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103

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#4829174

Review of Pillar Of The Community

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey JustinRock

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10^th WDC Anniversary!

I like your story but it does need some editing TLC. Your plot is excellent, why am I not surprised at who the culprit was all along? The flow is a little fast for it. It seems as if you have this whole story in your head and couldn't wait to get it typed up. I've been there, done that too.

It's obvious that Tom and the Mayor do not get along. I saw that in every bit of dialog between the two. In re-reading it, I think I should change that line about little fast to awfully fast. You left me with several questions and general comments.

General Comments:

Place your title, centered, at the top of your story.

It's not clear who is talking at first. It's not until Tom raises his hand (yeah, I realize it's the second line), that the reader knows who is speaking. Instead of jumping right to dialog, provide a little background to inform readers what's going on.

I won't change the rating of this now, I want you to do it. If I do it, it will lock your story at a 13+ rating. You can ask to have it unlocked in a forum, but I forget which forum that is. Hellbent is not an E-rated word. This needs to be rated 13+ at least.

The dialog turns into a shouting match between Tom and the Mayor quickly. Don't be afraid to provide build up here. Why does Tom get angry so fast? It would not be 'right' for the Mayor to start shouting in return. I know it's a small town, but even then the Mayor should show more restraint. He can end up shouting, but not immediately.

Specific Comments:

1. Tom speaks up, "you can’t just make up new rules and expect everyone to obey your wishes, just because you're the mayor.” You should be capitalized.

2. Now moving on to other business.” You need a comma after Now.

3. Tom not one for rules especially when they were coming from the mayor, stepped outside at 7:30 pm it was starting to get dark, but was still light enough to recognize someone if they weren't to faraway. There are a few issues with this line. The easy one is the word to. It should be too. As worded, it is not well written. Tom should have a comma after it. Also, it's a run on sentence. Please allow me to show you an alternate line. Tom was not one for rules, especially when they were coming from the mayor. When he stepped outside at 7:30 pm, it was starting to get dark, though it was still light enough to recognize someone if they weren't to faraway.

4. He started to take another deep breath and that's when he heard a noise. Overall, this line is okay, but if you were to add nearby in front of noise, it would help a bit.

5. Watch the video? What video? Where did it come from? I suspect it's the bank video that may have been running 24/7, but you don't say that. Tell us how Tom knew of the video and where its source. Maybe Tom is a former Bank employee who knew this, but lost his job when the alcohol became more important.

6. Discovering the missing townspeople was too easy if you ask me. Why was that boiler room searched in the first place. If Tom was a former bank employee, he might know that, but why was that boiler room searched? Did the Mayor confess everything that had gone on? If the Mayor had been sequestering the missing townspeople in the boiler room, that should be on the video also. Was no one checking the nightly video? See, you leave a lot out here, so add it in so we know!

Your idea for the story is excellent. You just need to fill in some gaps to make this a much better read. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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104

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14 days may be credited.

#4829055

Review of Birthday Candles

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Horror Scribe

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21^st WDC Anniversary!

This is quite the story you've written. It reminded me of an old Twilight Zone Episode where a young girl could raise all sorts of havoc for those she lived with. In one part, she caused a girl in the house to become part of a cartoon, chased by the characters in it. While it reminded me of it, you did not come close to copying anything from it. No plagiarism at all! Well done!

Somehow I wasn't too surprised that his wishes would only work one way. It just seemed logical to me. The ending was a bit bizarre, but so was the story. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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105

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#4828848

Review of The past two weeks

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey EyeSingOnTheCake

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Reviews page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

Wow, you have put yourself thru the wringer, haven't you. I find people's mental state amazing. I don't think I've ever suffered from severe depression, bi-polar, or anything like that. I feel for those that do, and wonder.... I wonder what causes it, because I'm not doctor, and don't have a clue about things like that.

This is well written, it flows really well. I think maybe a timeline of sorts might help a reader understand better. Examples would be:

1. When did you change your eating habits, and dined or ate only in the evening or at night?

2. When did you go to the hospital?

3. When did your muse leave you?

I do have one very minor comment about your article too.

4. The second paragraph looks like it has a hard return in it. Please see the following:

Food didn't look at me strange because I'm a short haired black girl who likes Foo Fighters and Johhny Depp, but not 50 Cent and Wesley Snipes. Food did't bug me about deadlines, or working late on the weekends with no overtime pay. Food never said I was following Satan by
choosing not to be religious. Food never yelled at me in anger or intoxication.

I highlighted the two words in red to show where the hard return is. I also highlighted the misspelled words Johnny, and didn't.

I found this to be extremely interesting. More should read this. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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106

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#4828679

Review of Resignation Letter from ACS

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey catwoman

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 25^th WDC Anniversary!

Wow, you had a lot of pent up anger at the ACS. I'm glad you sent this to them, corporations like this need to be reminded about why they are who they are, and who works where the rubber meets to road.

I will confess that I am not a fan of any Society that works with Cancer, whether they are scientists or what. Why? Because I don't think we'll ever have a cure for it. Why do I say that? One word. Money. If we were to find a 'cure-all' for Cancer, a lot of people who are currently pretty wealthy would lose a lot of income. Almost all of their income. As a result, I feel that true cures are swept under the rug, so to speak. You've read about them, I've read about them. There are too many (in my humble opinion) around to have all of them be false.

I have add that the ACS, along with any large Corporation, cares nothing at all about the 'average worker'. They care about the Money, their Shareholders. They do not about the average worker like Isaac, you, or me.

But about your article. The one thing I'd like to see added to this, is more about Isaac. You obviously felt strongly about his accomplishments, yet other than saying he really improved The Relay For Life, you told us little about him. I hope you have kept to your word and not supported the ACS. Well written, thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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107

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#4828576

Review of Question

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey mauriceselfloathingfreesince05

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 22^nd WDC Anniversary!

You pose an interesting question here, one that doesn't really have an answer. One could say that you do all this, and lose, or never complete your objective. Then the price is too high. I will add that the world will never be free of Terrorists because There will always be those who want certain things, they feel the only way to do it is through Terrorism. That's just like thinking we can stop drug abuse, bullying, hackers, and so many more. You can't stop any of those things. You can, and should fight it, to minimize its effect on the world population.

This is nicely written, but you offer no alternative actions. If you're going to pose a question like this in any type of forum, you need to provide your solutions. Otherwise you're one who holds up a sign saying "The World's Going To End." The reason I say that is this. Yes, the world is going to end. But.... When? I wouldn't pose a question without having an answer. The answer may not be correct, or in the case of your question, I'll ask you. When is the price too high?

There is one small thing you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. When is the price to high? To should be too.

A nice question posed here, you should provide at least one answer. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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108

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#4828389

Review of Quinn's Dragon

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Danni Murphy

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10^th WDC Anniversary!

It's a good thing you said your daughter told you this story. That really helped put things in perspective for me. This is very cute, you might have a fledgling author on hand there! I won't make any comments for recommended changes, it's too cute as it is. Ah, from the mouth of babes....

Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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109

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#4828155

Review of Removal

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey C. Don

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21^st WDC Anniversary!

This is an interesting piece of Flash Fiction you've written. The biggest problem I see though is that it is 100% telling, 0% showing. Why? It had to be in order to stick to the idea of being Flash Fiction. So it leaves one in a Quandary really. To me, it's an article, not a story. But it's also a story, not an article. Confused yet? I would leave it as is, but put a blank line between each paragraph. It just makes it a little easier to read. Another thing you might do, is enlarge the font. In case you don't know how to do that, here's what you do. When/if you edit this, you'll see 3 S's of slowly enlarging sizes. Sort of like sSS. Click that to open a tool bar. Highlight all your text by pressing Ctrl-A, then select the size you want ( I use font size 4 for about everything on WDC, including this review). Save it.

Another thing I saw is the use of technical terms that require a knowledge of Radios. Terms like VHF, UHF, Yagi, & RG58. Define them for a reader.

VHF - Very High Frequency, typically 30 - 300 Mhz

UHF - Ultra High Frequency 0 typically 300 Mhz to 3 Ghz

Yagi - A type of directional antenna with horizontal elements (when mounted correctly, elements are typically antenna tubing) that slowly decrease in length

RG58 - A type of cable used in RF Communications. You mighty also explain that a TV uses these frequencies, and which ones are used. FCC stuff that you don't need to go into deeply at all.

Overall I really enjoyed this story. I understood things because of my RF Background. Most people would not understand them though, hence my comments above. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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110

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#4827684

Review of Mabel

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

HeyApril Desiree

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16^th WDC Anniversary!

I love this limerick of yours! I love Limericks in general, but rarely write them. This one though, about St. Patrick's Day is great. The flow is good, the rhyme & rhythm meet the Limerick form.

One of the things that make this so good, is that it is 'clean'. You don't use one of those 4-letter words, nor did you include sex in it. A traditional limerick is usually 'dirty' or bawdy. (I won't provide one I've had in memory for ages.)

As much as I love it, I do have a couple of very minor suggestions for you.

Please allow me to copy your Limerick here, and show my suggestions in red.

There once was a lassie named Mabel
Who loved to dance 'round the great Maypole
But She found herself dismayed
At St. Patty's parade
Her clover, she'd left on the table

Just a thought about it, nothing more.

Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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111

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#4827642

Review of The Stranger's Gift

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Lani

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 18^th WDC Anniversary!

What a wonderful story and compliment given to you by a stranger! This is a nice read, one that can lift your spirit if needed. After all, the sun always shines, the sky is always blue. I know it can be difficult growing up with comments like you were receiving. I was there too, as a young boy. I didn't fit in anywhere it seemed, so I can commiserate with you about your feelings.

This has no real dialog to it, I don't think it needs any other than what you have here. I would like to see this longer, that's just wishful thinking on my part. Not a lot longer, but enough so a reader can learn more about you as you were growing up. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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112

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#4827365

Review of Happy Holiday c-Notes

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 18th WDC Anniversary!

This is a nice collection of C-Notes, but you seemed to concentrate on Christmas & Halloween (Why am I not surprised by the number of Halloween C-Notes?) While the C-Notes for other holidays may be in a different folder, I'm surprised you have none for Memorial Day or Independence Day. You do have 1 Easter C-Note, and 1 Thanksgiving C-Note here though. Thinking of other Holidays you could add. Valentines Day? That's more of a Hallmark Holiday than anything. Presidents Day/Martin Luther King Jr. Day? Naah, not in my opinion. Nor Labor Day. We celebrate it, but it's not really a 'Holiday' in many ways. Nothing wrong with not having those other C-Notes here, but your folder is labeled as Happy Holiday C-Notes. Just an observation, nothing more.

Sum1

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113

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#4827247

Review of The Public Library

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Butturbug

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1^st WDC Anniversary!

You've written a pretty interesting Monologue here. I too loved Libraries as a teen. But we didn't have computers then (late 60's), I just checked out books. I do think Libraries are nice, and needed.

Your point about being Batman or Wolverine is excellent. Though I've never figured out why having a Superhero in town makes that Superhero responsible for the lives of an entire city. It's as if you're saying, "We don't have to worry about any violence now, <Superhero name> lives here. That's quite a Crock. if you ask me. That's the same as saying "We have the Police, so we don't have to worry about ourselves with them around." We are always responsible for ourselves. Besides, with some cities recently 'defunding' their Police Force, I have to wonder about Superheroes. Surely they wouldn't work to save the city for free...

Suppose the citizens voted to defund their Superhero? It's not part of your Monologue, nor does it need to be, it's just my mind wandering is all.

Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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114

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#4827072

Review of Google Supports Criminals

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Joey Says...Where's Winter?

,

I credited q review of this and knew I had to read it. It's an excellent editorial/rant of life on the Internet in the modern world.

I think you're very lucky to have a talent like this. Think about the knowledge you have that so many others lack! You know so much more than most others. I think I have decent computer skills, but my skills pale in comparison to many. I love learning a new skill, but frankly being retired now, I'm slowing down, and I hate to say it, losing interest. As much as I enjoyed reading this, I do have some comments about this for you.

Specific Comments:

1. SEO. When this first appeared in you article, like many others I thought to myself, 'SEO?'. I qualified SEO on my submarines, but it's not the same thing of course. When you first type an Acronym such as SEO, you should first type out the full name of it. In this case, you would type Search Engine Optimzer (SEO). This way a reader immediately knows what you mean by SEO, and when they see it again, they will should understand what it means. I know you explained it later, but only have using the Acronym three or four times. What I saw a lot in technical manuals in the past, is that Engineers assume we know something, and don't provide enough information up front.

2. You made good use of italics to identify important thoughts, but this one needs a little editing help. (Google says this is not possible, even when you provide them with hundreds of examples SEO manipulation.) I think you need the word 'of' before SEO manipulation. BTW, based on personal experience, I doubt your information about SEO manipulation was received by an Engineer. I would bet that a notification like this is first screened by someone who is not qualified to answer your complaint.

3. I think your use of the term 'moron', and typing the following is a bit very blunt, and hurtful. I would like to think that any moron could tell that Commission Cash Code is a scam, But I sorry, if you are not savvy enough to spot this scam up front you are not ready to do anything on the internet. The internet is open to the general public, and most of the users are there looking to complete a desired task. They are not as informed as you are about the hazards of the Internet. Calling the general public Moron's though is a wrong (in my eyes). After all, how versed are you in the Science of Rocketry. Do you know most of what is needed to launch a vehicle into space? Do you know what it takes for a Spacecraft such as Voyager I (or II) to communicate with Earth? How about my past life in the Navy. Do you know how to start a Reactor to get underway? Do you understand why it's so important to shim rods slowly? Do you know how to start the Steam Plant once the Reactor is at operating temperature? If you don't, one could call you a Moron. Be aware that a general user on the internet is not that educated in this, but does have the right to access it, even though they are not as knowledgeable as you.

4. You are right that as a Company Google does not care. (Don't get me going about Motorola Solutions, we'll be here forever). I would be willing to bet that if your complaint about fraud managed to be forwarded to the right person, it would still take a bit of time for Google to address it. Testing would need to be done for verification purposes. But I do agree, overall, no corporation cares about things in general at the highest level. They care about company value. Stock Market prices, not to mention politics. Oh that's a deep well to get into, I'm not qualified to discuss things like that, and won't. What I'm saying is that there are people at Google who do care, they're just not very high in the 'food chain'.a

5. You typed A quick click at 'Whois.com' shows that the site does not even belong to Blake Matthews. I think you need to describe how this was done. Once you're at the Whois site, what other clicks are required to see this? Yeah, we're back to the Moron thing again, huh. But think of your readers, their average Computer/Internet skill level, and speak to that level. In essence, 'Dumb it down' for them.

Overall impressions:

This is an excellent article. Unfortunately I think your audiences will not really understand what you mean. That may turn them away, and that's not what we want a writers! Thank you for sharing!

Jim

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

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#4826986

Review of The Little Girl and the Puppy

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey cvwriter - school be crazy

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14^th WDC Anniversary!

This is a nice story. I think it's a good fit for pre-teen children. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good story. I would however, add the genre's of Young Adult, and Family to it and remove the 'Other' category. There are a couple of things you might do should you decide to edit this.

Make the font a little larger. In case you don't know how to do that, highlight the story contents (including the title), click the 3 S's in the edit bar and choose your font size. I use a font size 4 in about everything I post on WDC. It makes the story easier to read.

Center the title of the story on the page. That's a personal preference.

You might consider using the {indent} command in the first line of each paragraph. It just improves the appearance of your story. You can type it as shown here, or again use the edit bar to add the {indent}.

Specific comments about the story are:

1. Patches of grass and moss poked through crevices and along spances between slabs of cement. I think you meant spaces.

2. Shivering near the rear tire a small-starved puppy curled up protectively, its eyes searching the two females that watched it. I think you need a comma after tire.

3. Maybe they would feed her, and bathe her, and cuddle with her during those loud thunder storms that frightened her so much. I think you should delete the word 'and' before bathe.

Again, a nice story for a young adult. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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116

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#4826824

Review of Santa makes me cry

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Daizy May

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 19^th WDC Anniversary!

I love writing about Santa! For me, he is someone special. Not in a religious sense, just someone we can all admire and look up to.

I understand why Santa makes you cry. It's hard to lose someone, especially a sibling. Cancer is a horrible disease, it's as horrible as Dementia or Alzheimer's. I used to think that if you got one of those diseases, it was to punish you for something you've done in this life. Now, I see as a part of life. Nothing you did caused that to happen. Your body allows the disease to flourish instead of fighting it. I use the term 'your body' all the time. I'm of the opinion that we all are individuals, living inside a shell that is our body. Our soul, or essence, our being, is not the body, it's us. So, the body I inhabit is aging, I can't control it, no one can. I'm sorry, I got off on a tangent for a minute there.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. I hope you have managed to move on now, and are happy. But.... Happy WDC Anniversary! Have a great Anniversary Day!

Sum1

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#4826689

Review of Harris The Doorstop

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey L.A.Saxe

,

I recently read a review of this and thought I'd give it a go too. It's a good story, I'm glad you told us that this is an introductory scene for a WIP Story. Otherwise I'd be puzzled about it.

You have me wondering about Harris. I'm more of an Extrovert than Introvert. Much more. However, I do not look for the Limelight in a crowd. Everyone else is welcome to be in it, not me. So I do have Introvert tendencies at times. Still, the story flows well. There is a bit of telling here, adding dialog in some places would help.

I did see a couple of very minor things you may choose to look at should you decide to edit this.

1. Harris was just shy of six feet tall, with sandy-brown hair that seemed to have a mind of its own — a very disorganised mind of its own. Saying he has a mind of his own, then repeating the word mind again in such a short time is redundant. This might be something for you. Harris was just shy of six feet tall, with sandy-brown hair and seemed to have a mind of his own — a very disorganised one at that. The way it's currently written it seems that you're telling us his hair has a mind. I know it's not what you intended, but that's how I read it.

2. Harris excelled as a Doorstop magnificently. Using Excelled and Magnificently here is redundant. I would delete one or the other, and perhaps reword it a little. Maybe something like this. Harris served as a magnificent Doorstop; his was the first name that came up when a particularly remote and boring opportunity came in for the Doorstoppers.

A good story, I find myself wondering where you're going with this character. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4826419

Review of Failed Magic

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey DyrHearte writes

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 24^th WDC Anniversary!

Your story left me a little puzzled until re-read it. When I first read it, I thought Alex, Larry, and Theola all shared a residence in the Assisted Living Facility. Where did I get that crazy idea from?

It's a nice enough story, but it's begging to be lengthened. Your ending leaves the reader hanging. I don't understand the part about Larry & Theola leaving. Where are they going? For that matter, what's going on in your story? Your beginning needs a little work to introduce the reader to what's going on. Combine that with a stronger ending, you'll be fine.

I did see one very minor thing you might want to look at should you decide to edit this.

1. "Al, maybe if you stood over here." Larry, stepped toward Theola. This line is awkwardly worded. Perhaps something like this would work for you. "Al, maybe if you stood over here." Larry said as he stepped toward Theola.

A nice story, thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4826065

Review of How To Get Viewed

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Theday

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 24^th WDC Anniversary!

This is a good list of how someone can get viewed here on WDC. I like it, but you really need to edit this. You last edited this about 8 days before I joined the site, things have really changed in the last 15 years. One example would be the number next to your name. You write: As you can see the little number next to my name is the number of people who have joined Writing.com when looking through my port, also, they're all my Merit Badges added up and 100 reviews = 1 point. This is now equal to Referred Members (18), Qualified Merit Badges (59), Qualified Awardicons (4), Trinket Points (0), Review Recognitions (17, meaning you've sent 1700 Reviews), and Bonus Recognitions (130)(24 Years of Memberships x 5, or 120, +10 for being a Preferred Author). So yeah, a lot has changed since you last edited this.

This is an excellent list, it does need a thorough review and updating as necessary. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4825918

Review of Screaming Kettles

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey RadioShea

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 19^th WDC Anniversary!

It's amazing what teens will do to fit into a group. When I was this age, the 3-4 friends I hung out with did not do things like this. I know I wouldn't have if challenged to, call me Chicken. I'm just sensible. My friends were into drugs a bit, not me though. I refused, and have still, at age 71, not touched a joint. I do take drugs (medications), but they are all prescribed.

This is well written, I expected nothing less from someone who's had a feature screenplay win Best Director at the Boston Int'l Film Fest. Well done. For this to be a true story just tells one how far teens will go to be accepted by others. Crazy. In some ways, this reminds me of "Stand By Me", except there one of the boys was killed.

A good story that should get a lot more exposure. You're allowed to feature 3 items in your port, you haven't featured any, so do that for at least this story! Also, add a biography on the biography page for us! Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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121

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#4825200

Review of Moving On

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey werden

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 20^th WDC Anniversary!

I think we've all been there. We've all been dumped at one time or another. You wrote this well, nice descriptions that kept the reader involved, with very little, if any, telling. Nice job of showing here, I could see the cliff, I could feel the whoosh as Harry jumped!

I have a few comments, and one question. Early on you describe the jump as a 30' jump. Later, when Harry is in the water, George is 50' above him. Which is it? A 30' jump, or a 50' jump? I have other comments listed below.

1. "I know," Harry said, frustrated. It's just Missing closing quotation marks, and perhaps ellipses?

2. Hordes of people milled on the cliff that overlooked the jump point. Missing the word that. I've added it in red to show you.

3. They got in line, shaking of the coming leap, George with excitement, Harry with fear. This is worded awkwardly. As written it does not make sense. Perhaps this might work. They got in line, both of them shaking while thinking of the coming leap. George with excitement, Harry with fear.

This is a good story you've written, one I enjoyed reading. With just a little editing TLC, it will earn ever higher scores. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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122

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#4825003

Review of The John Deere Tractor Blade Fiasco

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey jackson

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5^th WDC Anniversary!

This is a pretty humorous story, more about the phone call you received than anything. I liked it, but it seems that you wrote this in spurts. What I mean is, that's how it reads. There are small breaks in the read, almost as if this was written in spurts. That, or your mind is like mine, about one thousand miles ahead of your typing.

You seem to assume the reader knows things too, as if we can read your mind. An example would be your second line. After that, I drove over to get new brake shoes installed on my car. The sentence is fine as written, in some ways. But where did you drive to? I would assume you drove to a brake shop of some type. But could you have driven to a donut shop? We all know you wouldn't go to a donut shop (Dunkin maybe?) to have brake shoes installed on your car, but still.....

Then you jump to eating dinner and the phone rings. A John Deere tractor blade? That really sounds like someone compromised your credit card. But.... his office receiving it that quickly meant it had been compromised a few days ago. This is what I mean by jumping around, you start a subject and never quite finish it. It's as if you had this idea about writing this story and couldn't wait to get to it. Pure excitement maybe?

In addition to my comment about your second line, I have other minor things to mention.

1. You've done a good job indenting the first line of every paragraph. Except the first line of your opening paragraph, and the ninth paragraph.

2. It didn't seem that you were concerned about someone using your name to order a John Deere Tractor Blade. It seems that one of those would cost a 'pretty penny'. I would think you'd be concerned about how it got ordered in the first place.

3. I have to wonder how your address was lost. Unless this happened back when I was a child (60's and 70's), everything ordered today is entered in a database of some kind. That address would not be lost. Again, it seems like someone else used your card to order it, and you weren't one bit concerned about it.

4. This line has nothing to do with the story, at least nothing to do with it as written. I had, without thinking, left a lot of important papers on the console of the car. I suspect it has everything to do with how that John Deere tractor blade was ordered. The one you weren't concerned about at all.

It's things like comments 3 & 4 that caused me to comment about you 'writing in spurts'. It's a good story, relatively funny, it just needs to be 'tightened up' a little to help the flow of it. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4824678

Review of Romantic Notions

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

I love the the twist at the end! It reminds me of the short story by O'Henry, The Gift Of The Magi. Your ending is similar, she wants to love him, he ends up not loving her. Wow!

The flow of your story, and the dialog between Bryan and Diedre was excellent. You hooked me early on, there no thought of not finishing the story.

As much as I loved it, I did see one small thing you might want to correct, should you decide to edit it.

1. The first few trips I’d gone too, but I quickly saw I was out of my league. Too should be to. Or reword to something like this. The first few trips I’d gone on with him, but I quickly saw I was out of my league.

For me, the story is about an old saying. Be careful what you wish for. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4824380

Review of 640 West 48th Street

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey Charles Lampert

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2^nd WDC Anniversary!

I have to say that I'm really glad you included the genre Fiction for this. Of course another clue was that you wrote this for the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge. Else Id have to wonder about you.

This poor fellow leads a pretty dismal life if you ask me. It's not one I could live, I'd have to find a way to move. Out of NYC, I'm not a big city person. Plus he's too organized for me. I'm decently organized too, but not to this extreme. Yes, I do fold my underwear, lol. My T-shirts are also folded, T-shirts, socks and Undies are in a drawer arranged in a specific order. But, nothing is perfectly folded, if they get messed up, it's fine.

All in all it was an enjoyable read, no errors, minor or major were found. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

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125

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#4824278

Review of I hate to wash my hair!

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hey AliceLvs2Write

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

I really enjoyed this story, and while it didn't make LOL, it was easy to see the humor in it. I have to say, I love your sense of humor!

Look as close as I could, I couldn't find anything that needed an edit, well done there! You even drink Scotch! While I'm more of a Bourbon Fan (along with Tequila), I've enjoyed a bit of Scotch now and then. Oh wait, this is fiction, maybe you don't enjoy Scotch after all!

You have a nice enjoyable story here, thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .