*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: ON
3,159 Public Reviews Given
3,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
51
51
Review of Grandpa's Bell  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Nanapockets,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 18th WDC Anniversary!

         I'm a sap for stories like this. I have come to firmly believe that everyone I've met is nice, for the most part. I've traveled around the world a bit, been in countries that you'd swear were not a good place to be. Algeria is an example. You know the stories we've seen posted on the good ol' internet. Believers in Islam are all bad, they want to rule the world, and kill those who are not believers. Sadly, I don't think Christians are much better. Anyway, everywhere I've been, I've found good people, people full of love. This story reminds me of that.

         WDC has made me a bit of a critic, no matter what I read, I look at it with a critical eye. Despite liking this story overall, it does need a little editing. Very little, but still.... My comments on it are below.


1. "Are you save you want to hear this?" He asked. Save should be sure.

2. "Sho couldn't speak English and I could not Japanese. You are missing the word speak before Japanese. I know it seems obvious, but it should be there.

3. Your description makes it sound like Sho and Grandpa are enemies. They are not, their countries are, or might be, but the people in this story are not enemies. My comment above about the world fits here. I've come to believe that people do not necessarily hate other countries and their people. Governments do. Those in control do. Place a person in a position of power, and they change. Power corrupts.

         This is a nice short story, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Tenebris,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice ghost story of sorts, but it could really use a bit of editing. The story itself is spooky enough, but you seemed to rush through writing it, as if you were afraid it would happen all over again as you wrote it. If I may, I have a few suggestions for you about it.

1. This is all 'tell', no show. What I mean, is for you to describe exactly how seeing this 'ghost' sitting on your grandparents bed shook you to the core. Were you so scared that you almost pee'd your pants? After all, you were on the way to the bathroom. If so, tell us, describe what you did to keep from wetting yourself. Even if it's not true, adding it to the story would improve it. Perhaps a line that resembles the following: What I saw shook me to the core. I already had to use the bathroom, seeing this apparition on my grandparents bed made my blood run cold. The urge to urinate (or pee if you want to use that word) was overwhelming. I found myself almost dancing in the hallway as I stared at the scene before me.

2. If you edit this, break it into short paragraphs. First, you playing video games. Second, seeing the apparition. Third, leaving the bathroom and looking back. Fourth, not using the bathroom the rest of the night.

3. Your first line is a bit of a run-on sentence, and mixed up as far as words go. It would be better worded as follows: One night I was home alone playing video games when I had the urge to use the bathroom.

4. Don't be afraid to talk to the reader as the story progresses. Something like this. You know how you get the feeling you shouldn't do something, but do it anyway? Well, As I headed down the hall, I got the feeling that I should not look in my grandparents room and just like in every horror movie, I ignored the feeling and looked.

         These small edits would improve your story and draw your reader deeper into the story. Remember, you want them to be involved, to be a part of it almost. The more detail you can provide, the more realistic you can make it, the more the reader will be involved.

         This is a nice start to a horror story, but it could be full of more tension and buildup. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey James,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st WDC Anniversary!

         I believe that sometimes, or often, when you write, you have to have fun. It sure seems like you had fun writing this, because it was fun to read it.

         In the story you tell here, I think someone will be paying, and that will probably be your husband. At least that's what you say in the last verse. Been there, done that, but not anymore, Thank God. This is a very entertaining poem though, as I said, a fun read. I have no suggestions, other than maybe centering it on the page. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1


*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Maryann,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st WDC Anniversary! Well, actually, being the Featured Author this month, you know I knew it's your Anniversary....

         Your story was fun to read in many ways. I think you should add the genre Young Adult to it. The reason I mention that is because to me, it reads like a story a young adult would enjoy.

         The biggest reason I say Young Adult genre is that you leave a lot of details out. Things I wanted to see in the story, but not necessary in one written for younger people. I had the impression this was intentional on your part too. What do I mean? In the third paragraph, your descriptions of humans was excellent. But if they came from Saturn, how did they know what legs and feet are? In school of course! You go on to describe how our legs support our bodies, our feet allow us to walk and stand in one place, easily balanced. Things like this don't need an explanation for younger people, they accept it as written. That's my opinion at least.

         I enjoyed reading about their excursion to have ice cream. That was really cute, and quite well done. The descriptions of the wind, sand, and road were also good. The only other thing I thought was a little off, was how easily she used common terms like Jeep. Of course she learned this in school, but still, her use of the names just seemed off without further explanation.

         Despite my comments and such, I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review of Swingers  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Sox,
         I love stories about inanimate objects. Well, yours isn't exactly inanimate, still...

         This is pretty good if you ask me. Just my feelings here, but I'd love to have seen this be a little longer. Yeah I know, I didn't write it, you did. But that's my opinion, worth absolutely nothing. I wrote something similar to this a long while ago, "What I Saw" , I chose to keep the identity of the object a secret until close to the end.

         I think it would have been very difficult to hide the identity of this object throughout your short story. At first glance, I thought this was you talking, and I wondered why you live in a park? Then it hit me, and I smiled. Well done! I have no suggestions to offer. The wording is good, the storyline carries it well.

         Your ending was good and unexpected. I think back to my past, the playgrounds I frequented as a child, and long for days like that. In my eyes, 'progress' isn't really progress. Safety? Nah, just go play, and be careful in what you do. You can't go through this life sheltered from all forms of harm or danger. If you do, there are so many things you miss out on. Thank you for bringing back memories.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
for entry "~ The Agreement ~" 
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey ruwth,
         Thank you for requesting a review of this by me. I will do my best to provide you with comments that will help improve your story if needed.

         From the beginning, I could tell you wrote this in a bit of a rush, and may not have submitted it yet. I also know you can edit this, and hope you devote the time necessary to do so, because it does need a bit of editing TLC. Let's jump right into it, shall we?

1. First and foremost, every bit of dialog in missing opening and closing quotation marks. Since those weren't used, it difficult to discover when the dialog stopped, and the non-dialog portion began.

2. Aaron will be five years old next month and he has spent most of his life with Brian and Laura. I think it would be good to add something like the following here. Brian and Laura are the only parent figures Aaron's known.

3. The most important thing is to have a relationship with him, isn't it.

Ashley and I will just have another kid and get away from all of you so that we can raise it ourselves. If I read (and understand) this correctly, this is Michael speaking. If so, they should be one line. If you want them separate, add a little non-dialog here to describe Michaels's actions. Maybe he paces the room, stops and turns around, and says the second sentence. You need more descriptive text, you do more telling that showing in this story.

4. She and his dad had helped Michael and Ashley fight for visitation with Aaron.

5. It had been supervised visitation for years but that had been okay because it meant Michael's dad got to be on Aaron's life, too. In this line, on Aaron's life should be 'a part of Aaron's life. Also, the time period is three years. I would remove the years part and just say Michael's visits were closely supervised, or something to that effect.


         Despite those comments, I do like this story. Like I said, it seems you wrote this in a rush to get it submitted in time. There's more telling than showing here, which is uncommon for you. Once the dialog stopped, that's when the true telling started. I know you can do better, editing this today or tomorrow is your choice. I know how you feel though, because that's how I felt about my entry last month. Good luck in everything you do my friend!



Jim

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
for entry "Shamrocks " 
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Carly,

         I think everyone loves the spring, this poem relates this feeling well. You created several images in my mind as I read this. The warm sun in the sky, a light breeze that caresses your face, making you smile, snow covering the scene, yet melting away as the weather changes. Love those images!

         I'm not much of a fan of free verse poems anymore, but this one fits the bill of one well. I really like the word you created for the Neology contest, Springish. Well done! My only comment is not about the poem, but about your post. Yor signature is in the post twice, something I do too, all too often. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
58
58
Review of A Letter to God  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Rakitan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This is good, but it seems far too short. Your kiss with the person you call God seems more like kissing a lover, which I know could be God. That's a new idea though, one I'm sure the general public is not ready to address. At least not yet. I don't take offense to it one bit. It does seem a little odd though, and brings a couple of questions to my mind.

1. Would God kiss someone? I don't see why not, but like I said, it's a new thought, at least to me.

2. You describe the kiss as a kiss from a lover, which I don't think God would ever be. You took your time aligning your mouth to mine, making each kiss count. That was the part that was strange to me. If God kissed you, why didn't he kiss your coworker also? After all, God loves us all. 'He' (God could be a woman too after all) may be yours, he could be yours. If he was only yours, he would not appear to your coworker. Using your logic of God being yours only, if he did appear to her, it would be as a different God-like figure. Therefore, she could never have talked to him. Yeah, I know, my thoughts, my opinion, I know what each is worth.

         An interesting story with a different concept about God. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey AmyJo,
         I posted in "Twenty-three in Eleven "  immediately after you, so I have the honor of reviewing your poem.

         I find the Monotetra form to be very similar to a Kyrielle, a form I love. Your lovely poem is a prime example of a well written Monotetra poem. You created many images in my mind as I read this. The colors of spring, flowers budding then blooming, trees become green, not barren. I really enjoy Spring, but really love all the seasons. I have a reason, it's not important here.

         My only comment about your poem is just that, a comment. It's not a deficiency. I would love to have seen this with a couple more verses that describe spring. An example would be seeing neighbors outside once again, and if in a small enough community, children playing in yards, or even the street.

         This is an excellent poem, worth a read from anyone! Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Bikerider,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Well of course I know it's your Anniversary month! Especially since you are my Featured Author for March!

         I love this short story! I love the way you introduced us to your friends Pen, and Paper. You did an excellent job in showing us how they help you remember special events in your life. I think my favorite was the fourth paragraph where you describe how your friends help you show your world to those who cannot see it.

         I do have a suggestion, and it's a very picky one.

1. But when Pen speaks, it is in a whisper, as her soft lead leaves its mark on Paper. As you know, a pen does not use lead to write on paper. If you changed Pen's name to Pencil, you're done. Or, if you change lead to ink (or a similar word), you're done again.

         This is an excellent short story, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Jatog,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is very cute, I enjoyed reading it. The rhythm and rhyme in it are excellent, both which contributed to a fun read!

         I have a poem like this in my port also, about losing my mind. I don't reveal what I have lost until the last verse of the poem. This might be one reason I liked this so much, but I don't think so. For me, it's just one of those things you read that make you smile the whole time. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
62
62
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Spiritual Dawning,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I like this poem, it calls to me with names of friends I've lost, both here on WDC and elsewhere. People I haven't been able to be there for when their time was nigh. The wind whispers their names daily, I think of them and wonder about the after-life, if there is one. Names like Kathleen (Suser:yellowroses}, Brian Zimmerman (husband of a friend of ours), Paul Labue (A close friend from my first submarine), and many more. that's sort of what I was hoping to read here, names of people you've lost over the years.

         The flow of this is a bit choppy, mainly due to the syllable count line to line. An example would be:

Watch the birds feed from your garden and sit upon the fence (14 Syllables)
Think of flowers and the beauty of all life, as I make your sorrow mine. (18 Syllables)

         Of course that syllable count might be a bit different in the Queen's English. Another factor for the flow though, is the rhyme scheme. It seems you used ABAB in each verse. Again, that didn't work for me as I read it, maybe in Queen's English it does. The first verse is an example of the end rhymes (ABAB) not quite rhyming as are the last two verses. If only we all spoke the same language, with the same accent! *Smile*

         If I graded on the thought of the poem, what you intended to say (and successfully did say), I'd give it five stars. However, I also look at rhyme and rhythm, so I can't give it that five star rating.

{indent]Again, I love the content, it's beautiful. I feel it just needs a little bit of editing TLC. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Octavius,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         This is an interesting story you've written. I liked the plot, the flow of it, and the ending. I was thinking that the girl would end up being an 'ax murderer', and dispose of him in some way. Maybe the woods dwellers would eat any lasting evidence and hide it all.

         However, as much as I enjoyed the story, there are some parts that didn't jive (for lack of a better word) for me. These are very minor, but it makes the flow of the story seem non-realistic.

         In the early paragraphs of the story, David is walking through the forest. It doesn't make sense to me that a man on his way to work with a nine-o'clock clock-in time would detour through a forest like this. At the end of the story, he's fired for being late. That's a bit odd, very odd. Unless he's a poor performer, or habitually late, being late this one day would not cause him to be fired.

         If David is hanging upside down, suspended in the air so-to-speak, how did he spin around when the girl first spoke? It's wording such as this that detracted from the story overall. Again, these are very minor, I'm pointing out details here. There are a few other areas you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.


         1. Well, that’s Life I guess. Life should be lower case


         2. I’ll never hear the end of it.
Weak, dizzy and helpless, David did the one thing he knew would help him in this situation. The hard carriage return here should be a soft one.


         3. “OH no, I’m going to be late!” He says, running his hand through his well-groomed bush. “I’m going to get fired if I don’t contact them. This is your fault!” This is not indented like the other paragraphs. Plus, using the word bush here doesn't sound quite right. Maybe something like 'well groomed mop of hair?'


         This is a nice story, it flows well, but doesn't make sense in some areas. I loved the ending, I found it to be appropriate, and was a nice touch. It's a good read, well worth anyone's time. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
about
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Brenpoet,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st WDC Anniversary! WOW!

         I really enjoyed your poem, and find myself wondering a couple of things. First, I was wishing it was a little longer. I'm not sure what you would use in your verses to make it longer, but still. The other thing is, I find myself what tune did you have in mind as you wrote this? With a repeated refrain written the way it is, you must have written it as
lyrics. I know you wrote it for your son-in-law and his wife, who both lost their mates, but did you have a tune in mind to use?

         I do have one small, minor suggestion for this too. It's in your very first line.

1. We have both suffered heartbreak and sorrow and pain, To me, it reads much better, and smoother without the first usage of 'and'. We have both suffered heartbreak, sorrow and pain, Just a small thought is all.

         This is a lovely, romantic poem. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
Review of Minions  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Sue,
         I posted in "Twenty-three in Eleven "  after you, thus I have the pleasure of reviewing your story.

         I had the ending pretty well pegged early on, but hoped I was wrong. I have to say that you left the reader hanging a bit though. After placing his killer Minions outside his parents door, he sleeps the night away. On waking up in the morning, he goes to their room and finds it empty, and a bloodstained bed. You left us there, just hanging out waiting for more. My mind was asking several questions.

1. What was Pete's reaction? It seems that people in today's world become numb to violence thanks to the news, regular TV programming, and video games. Was he expecting them to be killed? Was he happy? I just wonder is all.

2. Where were his Minions? Surely they were somewhere in the room?

3. What about his older brother you mention briefly? Did he live at home, or was he grown and on his own? If he was still at home, would he have heard something? Could he have helped in some way? Maybe save his parents?

4. If Pete's Minon's attacked and killed his parents, why didn't they attack Pete also when they were on the shelf in his room? Was it because Pete put them on the floor at their door? Could they not get down off the shelf to attack him? If that's the case, then how did the Minion's climb on the bed to attack his parents?


         I know, I know. This is your story, and you did have a bit of a word count limit. And my mind goes on these tangents when I read something. My biggest comment is that Pete found the bloodstained bed, and the story ended there. There was no mention of his reaction, shock, or whatever. What happened after too? The police must have been called, what happened then? *Smile*

         Overall, this is a very good story, but the ending needs to be expanded some to provide a little explanation at least! Thank you for sharing.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey Angelica,
         This is a cute story, but I'm not sure it meets the Steampunk genre. Then again, I've never written in the Steampunk genre, I could be way off with that statement. What I really mean though, is I didn't read anything in your story that caused me to equate it to the Steampunk genre. In the Steampunk genre, the devices or equipment mentioned in the story run on steam. Think of the movie "Wild, Wild West" starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline.

         In my humble opinion, the biggest issue with your story is a lack of cohesiveness. What I mean by that is that there doesn't seem to be almost any sort of flow to it. First you have Lily who has made Clockwork Minions. Then a pixie flies near and she grabs it. After getting some pixie dust from the pixie, she takes them all outside and a Husky appears from nowhere. What I'm saying is, you quickly jump from one scene to the next. I realize this needs to be short since it's Flash Fiction, but you have too much going on in a short story such as this to carry it. What I got out of it was that this is a jumble of scenes that you tried to tie together in a very short span. I hate to say it, but I don't think you were successful.

         I do have a few comments for you that I hope will help you improve your story.

1. You use the word 'and' several times, sometimes in the wrong place and time. Here is one example. But I wish to do good and so this will be my first mission. Remove the word and, substitute a comma in its place. The line will read much smoother and flow better.

2. If I may, another example of and used when a comma would work better. The pixie appeared to think for a moment and then dressed up as a two eyed minion. There's an old saying about poetry, that being "Sometimes, less if more."

3. Here's a line where you misused a word. As they reached the kitchen Lily heard her mom gasped and smiled. Gasped should be gasp.


         In the contest, your clockwork minions were to have been created and used for good or evil. True, an egg was found near the Chicken coop, but the pixie found it, not the minions. The biggest question in my mind about that is, how is that good? Or how is that evil? To have something called a Steampunk Space Dragon hatch from it? That is a HUGE leap, a huge leap of faith. I don't mean to sound rude, but have you read what the genre Steampunk is really about?


         You have a nice start to a story here, but it jumps around a lot. It is in great need of some major editing TLC. It's short enough that the reader doesn't get lost in the jumps, at the same time though, with the amount of jumping from scene to scene in the story, there's no cohesive plot or storyline.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Phyllis,
         I saw your suitcase in the Anniversary Review forum and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, so I didn't have to find your Suitcase in the forum, being the Featured Author this month, I knew it's your Anniversary Month! Happy Anniversary.

         This is an excellent poem that how you feel being held in God's hands. The flow is good, coupled by a rhyme scheme that makes reading it a pleasure. I love the numerous forms of poetry, but don't think I've read many Rondeau poems, nor written one. The format and rhyme scheme really carry the poem.

         If I were to suggest anything at all, it would be to center the poem on the page. Also, in the second verse, first line, it seems the letter a is needed before the word bird. That's a very minor detail, almost not worth mentioning it, but I 'had' to.

         Overall, this is a beautiful poem that should be read by many people. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Maria,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         I think this is well written, but something a little formatting TLC could help. I could sense a bit of humor in this by your writing style. Well done there!

         Formatting TLC? What could I mean by that? Well, first and foremost, read this as someone who's seeing your port for the first time. Ask yourself "What is it about this item/essay that makes me want to stay and read it? Yes, it's well written. But how does it look to a new eye? So formatting is needed to allow this to appeal to that new eye.

         You have double spaces between your paragraphs, that's a nice first step. But, in these paragraphs you have a hard return. That makes it a new paragraph, but uh oh,,, where's that double space? Something that's not a formatting issue, but is something I use all the time, is the {indent} command on the first line of each paragraph. Why would I do that? Formatting. Appealing to that new eye. The first way people will judge your writing, is when they see it. You only have one chance, so put your best foot forward! I say all this while not being a published author myself, nor am I a professional in any type or writing field. When I format something, I do it to please me. In doing so, I can only hope that others find it pleasing too.

         There are a couple of other things I do, one I'm not doing here in this review. Font size, I'm not changing the font size. I do change it for a lot of things though. Does the item flow well, does it flow from idea to idea, never bouncing around like pool balls on a table? So proof reading is a necessity. Last but not least, preview it. Look at it critically as if you're seeing it for the first time. Then, post it.

         You say this is unpolished. I thought it was pretty good for being unpolished. The things I've mentioned here are very minor. Remember, you only have one chance to impress a reader. Give it your best shot! And thank you for sharing...



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
Review of Quotable Quotes  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Grum!
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you have quite the collection of quotes here! I did not read them all, but the ones I did get to were great! I have a book you'd probably love too. It's titled "Great Quotes By Great Leaders". Of all things, it's published by my current employer, Motorola. Some of the leaders quoted in it are Winston Churchill, Confucius, Helen Keller, Thomas Edison, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and many others. Wouldn't you know it, right now I can't find, but I haven't really looked hard either.

         The most extensive collection of quotes is from some person named 'Anon'. I would like to meet him/her! *Laugh* Seriously, these are excellent! About the only suggestion I have would be to make this a book or blog if your account level supports it, use maybe 5-10 per entry. Yeah, it would make seeing them all hard, and it would be a labor intensive effort too.

         A great collection of quotes! A lot of these form good advice that many people (Myself included) should follow. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
Review of Old Barn  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Jenn,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 17th WDC Anniversary!

         I love the images you create in my mind as I read this. I've seen a lot of old barns in the fields of Illinois, nd probably had a photo or two of them. That's neither here nor there. Your words describe a beautiful scene. Too many times we pass by a structure like this without a thought as to what this thing might have seen in it's time.

         The layout of the verses are a bit like a waterfall, or maybe a stream running over rocks worn smooth by the rushing water. Or maybe a Barn that has seen better days, it's sides bowing to the weight of the roof, the wood decayed from internal rot, braces failing for the same reason. A beautiful poem, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Ufology  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Ken!
         Being our Featured Author this month, you know I had to drop by at least once to send you an Anniversary Review! Happy 14th WDC Anniversary!


         Please correct me if I'm wrong here (I'm sure you will *Smile*), but it seems like the small planet Rod's crew crashed on is Earth after all. They didn't know this since their navigation system was destroyed by the solar storm. The question I was left with though, was why didn't they run a test of the planet's atmosphere, or were those instruments destroyed in the crash landing? If it was me, I would have opted to at least try to breathe the planet's atmosphere. If I was going to die anyway, why not die with my face and head exposed?

         I really like the idea of this. It's a bit like Planet Of The Apes, minus the Apes and the time shift. Still, mankind thinks we are so advanced, but we've only taken a couple of baby steps in actuality. Hell, we can't even get along with each other, often due to different views of one kind or another. How can we possibly think we'll be able to get along with an Alien race? No chance if you ask me.

         I did see one small thing in this that you might want to change, should you decide to edit this.

         Lying in the crumpled wreckage, he realized that all this had done was sped up their demise. You can see that sped should be speed.


         An enjoyable short story, I just wish you could have fleshed this out some (Word Count stopped you I know), and provided a bit more detail. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Richard,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, so I didn't see your port in the Anniversary Reviews Forum, and with you being our featured author this month, it's hard to miss you. Plus, you tagged me in the excellent essay which made me read it, and now review.

         I love this essay! It answers a lot of questions from over 50 years ago, things I'd forgotten over that span of time. Once I entered Junior High School I started playing the double horn, but I never knew there were different types. Since my parents couldn't afford to buy a Horn for me, we rented one from the school each year. I do want to say that my Trombone buddy (Danny Sanchez) was not errant at all. *Smile* He and I were the Band Drum Majors in my senior year, though he was a year behind me.

         You explained many things here about the Horn and Trombone. I never had all these facts about the two instruments, we rented a horn when I was in the fifth grade, I learned to play it, but nothing of it's history or connection with the Trombone as far as pitch goes. Believe me, there are times where I wish I'd gone to college to play the Horn there, and really learn the instrument. Instead, the Navy called. I enlisted, I wasn't drafted.

         In playing the Double Horn, I never played the F Horn, I kept the thumb valve engaged and played the B-Flat(?) horn instead. (I think it was B-Flat). I think the thing I enjoyed most about your essay though, is the explanation of the Horn/Trombone similarities, how they are used, and how a composer would write music to complement the instruments. Thank you for the information!

         This is very well written, very informative for anyone, but more so for someone who has played either instrument. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
73
73
Review of The Veteran  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Harlow,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st (WOW!) WDC Anniversary!

         First, I have to say that I'm no fisherman. Despite that, I didn't read this story, I lived in it!

         You provided a lot of images with your choice of words. I could see the stream, how Burger, Hill, and Hoover were dressed, as well as their body type and build. The best part was the description of the stream. I grew up in Albuquerque New Mexico, and for the most part we lived in the south valley. There was a stream, I mean a ditch along the road we lived on. Your descriptions of the stream brought back memories of that ditch. No, it wasn't near deep enough to fish in. We caught crawdads, and once in a while, a small minnow. Nothing else.

         You described life as a gangly teen almost perfectly. I could relate to each character (despite the fishing), and felt I was Hill. I never approached a girl out of my league though, I was too shy. After I had retired from the Navy, I confessed to a good friend of mine, a female at that, that I'd had a crush on her all through school. But I felt she was out of my league, being a cheerleader and all. Despite our obvious differences at school, we were good friends. Her response to my surprise confession? She said that we were 'buds', and that she would have gone out with me anytime. I think I walked on air for a week or so. Your story and description of Hill trying to ask that girl out brought back that memory too.

         This is a well written story, a very enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
for entry "Reputation" 
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Jeff,
         I posted immediately after you in "I Write: Enter the Second Decade" , and have the pleasure of reviewing your essay. *Smile*

         This is a bit shorter than I thought it would be. That just shows you what I get for thinking it would be shorter.

         Despite being a little short, you made your point quickly using just a few words. I completely agree with your conclusions too, especially the part about being more concerned about your reputation than spreading the gospel. That label fits almost every televangelist on the 'tube'. I know am probably wrong in saying this, but it seems to me that most, if not all of them, are there for the money, nothing else. This doesn't mean they don't know the word of God, that they don't speak well and such. It's just that they seem, emphasis on seem, to be more concerned about themselves, their reputation, than anything else. In a nutshell, they seem false. Of course, I could be looking for reasons to dislike them too. You never know.

         This is well written Jeff, I love that you made your point and didn't dwell on things. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
75
75
Review of That Chair There  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Axton,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This has a Dr. Suess kind of feel to it. It flows well, the rhyme schemed fits, and though the sentences are a little long, it wouldn't be a Suess-type poem if they were shorter.

         There is one line that just doesn't fit though. The wording is off, and frankly it doesn't make sense. The person it was who was warning me. My humble opinion here, but I would replace The person, with Whoever. It's the same syllable count so it won't affect the flow, and it makes sense.

         Another opinion here. I would center the poem on the page. In case you don't know how to do that, highlight the entire poem, then click the center button on the toolbar above your poem. OR, type this, exactly as it appears here before the first word. {center}. After the last word, type {/center}. That centers all the text between the bracketed words.

         A very cute poem, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1,247 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 50 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3