A*Monaing*Faith's (afaith) Reviews

A*Monaing*Faith

Review Requests: OFF

677 Public Reviews Given

678 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest and methodical.

I'm good at...

Short stories; grammar.

Favorite Genres

Fantasy and Action

Least Favorite Genres

Horror and Melodrama

Favorite Item Types

Under 5k words.

Least Favorite Item Types

n/a

I will not review...

n/a

26

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#4209174

Review of Mental Illness

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I think Alder's quote speaks volumes.

Having gone through a break down and coming out the other side a much more self-possessed individual, I feel even more strongly about this particular stigma.

It's all about ego really....

I think everyone suffers from mental 'illness' for the simple fact that we all have brains [supposedly].

It's safe to say everyone will get physically sick/ill at least once in their life. So then why is it not safe to say every living being will experience varying degrees of mental health in a typical lifespan?

Thank you for sharing!

4.5/5 because I like to see headers/bold/some form of topic separation in OpEd pieces.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

27

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#4209095

Review of Spring / Acrostic

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Saw your "Note: Hey! I've got 10 items in my port which I woul..." and decided to come by and see what you had Highlighted in your portfolio.

Pros: Cute, concise.
Cons: Typical, expected.

I can see this next to a vibrant spring mural depicting all of these things. On it's own I recommend playing with the text colors and line placement [for instance, centering the text would bring more life to it].

Not bad, keep it up!

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28

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#4208876

Review of Battling BiPolar

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Favorite lines are the last two!

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago and like everything, I have a similar yet different story to tell.

I was a great pretender for 27 years and then came the meltdown. Not for all, but I think it can be easy to accept the labels doctors have to assign in order to treat you. The meds helped bring me back to a semblance of self-possession and I've learned a TON, but our bodies and minds are so complex and yet so powerful.

Anyway, this is about the beautiful piece of work you've shared with us these past 9 years. Thank you.

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29

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#4207947

Review of Death Bed

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is awesome. Are you also religious/spiritual or just go because of family?

Hits home a little harder because I just lost my Granny this January. She wasn't the titular "good" Christian. She liked to talk about Jesus and call on his name in a pinch but she rarely went to church (like not even twice a year sometimes). I like to think she just hated the 'religion' aspect of rules and people being in your business. Also, she just didn't like to do much on Sundays, including church

5/5 emotional 4/5 structurally

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30

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#4207932

Review of Boys and Girls

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Wow, this being the 2nd piece of your work I've had the pleasure to read, I like how you turn something perceived to be so innocent and then rip that innocence away.

"And when he shot her they promised each other
That neither would ever tell."

Sooo, the Indian's not dead or is their another Cowboy?
What'd he shoot her with, a BB?
For whatever reason rape, (or if they're truly kids than 'heavy petting') or some sort of sexual contact, rose in my mind. For whatever reason I believe the 'Indian' would tell if he hit her, but can see her not telling if it's a fake bullet...dunno why.

Way to make me think

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31

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#4207922

Review of A Vampire's Kiss

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!
Welcome to WDC! Hope you enjoy the site as much as I do!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: Love the ending and the flow is ok.

Dialogue, Atmosphere/Tone: "I'll eat your face." Just cracked me up, in a good way (unless you were going for a super serious tone, which I don't think you were).

What I liked: the shear glibness and comedic horror/danger; this sounds like an evil teen vampire

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

"Nights like this are the reason they invented the night light." could use some work, maybe:

"On nights like this, children cling to their night lights."
or
"All bright is dismissed, you cling to the street light."

A few parting comments...
Keep writing! This was fun.

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

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32

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#4207789

Review of Home

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Interesting, perhaps I'm tired, but I'm not really sure what to think about this. I generally appreciate prose that appears/sounds disjointed but can be made to feel cohesive.

The 'grey grass' threw me off. How does that happen?! And how are dreams dry?

Enjoy the myriad of images 'summer drunk' entails: bathing in the sun in a luscious green garden; alcoholic parent bringing down a summer high with their lushciousness; etc.

Keep writing!

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33

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#4197835

Review of The Treatment Program of Absurdity: 2

for entry "Confrontation on Homophobia"

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: a topic I am always curious/sensitive about

Storyline: typical ignorant gay bashing; intent vs. impact

Characters: sam, matt, dr. gore, and harry

Setting: house group...room?

Atmosphere/Tone: misunderstood, low tolerance, hurt and angry

Dialogue: needs some work, you skip key phrases and just give us some of the conversation

What I liked: the forgiveness and apology at the end

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

When I went on a rant ..., Matt exclaimed, “Harry, ... HOW THE f*** AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT BE PISSED OFF?”
need way more dialogue, Matt: 'You just don't get it. You can't use that word only to fit your needs. You have no idea how that word affects everyone, not just Sam. It's the lowest common denominator.' etc.

Samantha was a “faggot,” after Samantha looked at me in an inappropriate manner
guessing Sam is a boy? this is my fault as I skipped around after reading the title

He gave me an outline of his life, ... I also gave an outline of my life: Sega Genesis; Nintendo 64; Xbox, GameCube, PS2; PS3, Xbox 360 and a Wii.
this was hilarious but didn't make sense given the subject of homophobia; I kind of get that guys define themselves in the sports (or games) they play but was kind of an abrupt turn from Mark being adopted

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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34

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#4197805

Review of The Treatment Program of Absurdity: 1

for entry "Prologue "

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: LOVE The premise? perhaps a bit autobiographical?

Storyline: sounds like a mental retreat of sorts...but may be some physical attributes? is this old money looking to fit in with the 'little people'? why not just go to a hoity toity college?

Characters: just our silver spooned millennial so far

Setting: Utah

Atmosphere/Tone: not resigned but also not excited, just matter of fact

What I liked: the premise and writing isn't terrible

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

fit, 5’10 figure; ... I was forced to acknowledge that if I went to college now, I would get the s*** kicked out of me by every frat boy on campus; and with the advice of my education consultant, I looked at therapeutic transition programs, to help me improve.
this is confusing without further details; the program sounds like a mental one, not physical (as alluded to with the 'frat boys' and 's*** kicking'

but I realized he could still play video games
but I realized I could...

my grandfather and I went to Singapore and then Hong Kong, to celebrate my 18th birthday.
I wanna hear THAT story!

A few parting comments...
would love to know how closely this story relates to your actual adventure therapy experiences!

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

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35

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#4197785

Review of Writing.Com 101

for entry "Edit Points"

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a great idea! Gotta start using this....

36

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#4139279

Review of O Come Away

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Flowed nicely until the end.

Put me in a LOTR frame of mind. I pictured high elves and Asgard and pretty burbling brooks.

O come away ye sleeping child,
O come away ye meek and mild.

Is the kids being lured away? Creepy, I like.

Where demons mourn your torment's end.
Dream away your heart's content,
Dream of nothing relevant.

So there's the warning, 'nothing good awaits you' but that's ok, don't think about it, better yet, don't think about anything. Nice, I'm starting to see the parallel to real life. Smart phone anyone?

And when the rays of morning light,
Kiss your eyelids with day's first light,

This is where the alliteration and flow start to fall apart. It's like listening to a nature cd then all of a sudden it skips and there's white noise. No need for "with" just take it out:

Kiss your eyelids, day's first light,

Assume your reader's creative enough to fill the blank. Even if they're not, they'll think you're cool for doing it.

Any particular rhyme/reason for not ending with a rhyme? It CAN work but in this case I don't think it does....

3.5 stars

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#4120233

Review of My Newbie is Showing

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: after only 3 reads, i really like it

Storyline: random as it goes

Atmosphere/Tone: light and jovial story telling

What I liked: the wit and sparsity

A few parting comments...
keep writing, only 4/5 b/c the blog about 'drowf' was confusing as to how it even came up and their's always room for improvement

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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38

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#4089594

Review of Tears Unseen

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers HEART POWER Raid Review!

Congrats on winning Package #14 from
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#2013036 by Not Available.

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: heartfelt

A few parting comments...
I enjoyed this but since you haven't logged on since 2008 I'm not going to go in-depth, but if you ever come back hit me up yo!

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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39

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#4089591

Review of afraid to fly, a birds eye view

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers HEART POWER Raid Review!

Initial hook: interesting concept

Theme: dialogue with a sparrow that's in danger?

Storyline: not really sure, a bird gets inside a plane?

Setting: Chicago airport!

Atmosphere/Tone: random

Dialogue: soooo, is the pilot/captain talking to the sparrow or another pilot?

A few parting comments...
can't really say what I'd change because I'm not sure I understand the concept, please explain/enlighten

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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#4089541

Review of A Little Boy was Born

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers HEART POWER Raid Review!

Congrats on winning Package #14 from
Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#2013036 by Not Available.

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: great theme/idea but flow is a little stilted

Theme: circle of life, particularly a males

Storyline: boy grows up, boy becomes man, man has boy child and the cycle continues

Atmosphere/Tone: reflective, loving, contemplative

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

God's Angels took his hand
They took him on a journey
Our heavenly father took his hand
repetition is a bit much, especially around the fourth stanza

A few parting comments...
lack of punctuation and constant repetition of "took/held his hand" in various positions (as opposed to always at the end/beginning) really hurt this one, cute/inspired theme though

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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41

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#4089539

Review of Denny

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers HEART POWER Raid Review!

Congrats on winning Package #14 from
Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#2013036 by Not Available.

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: heartwarming tale of love and loss

Theme: marriage until the end, beautiful

Storyline: young couple gets married, has some kids, husband passes away

Atmosphere/Tone: loving, reflective

Dialogue: another love letter

What I liked: the color, the spacing, the flow; You put upon my hand a band of gold
Eighteen and Twenty-three years old

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

Forty-one years had just begun
Now on earth I am just one
i initially thought this was referring to the marriage union like in the first stanza but when realized it meant truly alone thought maybe it should have started another stanza? but it's ok as is.

I laid you down to sleep my love
I laid you down to sleep, my love

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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42

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#4089537

Review of Seagulls Hush

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers HEART POWER Raid Review!

Congrats on winning Package #14 from
Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#2013036 by Not Available.

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: interesting title and visuals

Theme: epic fight; loss

Setting: the beach

Atmosphere/Tone: despondent, melancholy

What I liked: idea of the man being the weepy mess instead of the woman, really makes me wonder just what did he do to make himself feel so bad, or is she the one in 'the wrong'

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

Masking the tears man cries in vain
Masking the tears, man cries in vain

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

43

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#4089536

Review of Whispering Tears

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers HEART POWER Raid Review!

Congrats on winning Package #14 from
Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#2013036 by Not Available.

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: like the concept of a quiet/whispered love

Theme: quiet, unsuspecting love

Atmosphere/Tone: reflective, loving

Dialogue: reads as a love letter

What I liked:Time went like the wind...you and I...just we two; We loved we laughed..years and wind...whispered it all;...My tears and the wind...whisper it all

A few parting comments...
consider spacing the lines out, i personally find it difficult to concentrate on the line I'm reading when the other words are so close

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4089524

Review of Stained Hope

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is a WDC Power Reviewers HEART POWER Raid Review!

Congrats on winning Package #14 from
Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#2013036 by Not Available.

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: I definitely felt the emotion and understand the struggle but lack of punctuation and some word choices interrupted the flow

Theme: change, rejection

Speaker(s)/Flow: pretty good except for the two lines mentioned below in the comments/sugg. section

Atmosphere/Tone/Mood: despondent,

What I liked: the fact you let the reader know this was about unemployment, made it relatable to me and reminds us all that heartbreak isn't always about love for another human

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

I did no harm was they who broke my spirit
I did no harm; was they who broke my spirit

Tonight my gown is red a heart that on this bed
Tonight my gown is red, a heart that on this bed

A few parting comments...

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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45

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#4028167

Review of The Terrible Gift

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hey!

Welcome to WdC Power Reviewer's

Anniversary Raid!

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: Thank you SO much for sharing such a moving and personal journey

Theme: living with breast cancer

Atmosphere/Tone: not depressed, just honest

What I liked: the stream of consciousness and thought processing

A few parting comments...
only thing that confuses me is why do you call it a 'gift'? why not just an 'inheritance'? breast cancer runs on both sides of my family too, I can only imagine what you're going through, but if my grandmother can survive it twice, I know you can too

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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#4011679

Review of Tiredness

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey! Congrats on winning the Writer's Cramp!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: I really relate to this because I currently am battling a new 'demon' of sorts: anxiety and depression

Theme:tiredness/depression/insomnia

Speaker(s)/Flow:flowed well, stream of consciousness

Atmosphere/Tone/Mood:tired, annoyed, spent, dilapidated

What I liked:the deep relation I can feel with the speaker

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

again you're great with imagery
Like a heavy cloak, it clings to me
like a freight train
Leaving me flattened and spent.
pray for peace
For night to come and dreams
To sooth it
find the spark
Of the new day.
And breathe life
Again.

A few parting comments...
4.5, not perfect, but close

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#4011675

Review of Autumn

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey! Congrats on your Solar Package: Gifted by April Desiree-I'm back! !
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This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: this is definitely a muscle stretch, nothing too spectacular but great imagery all the same

Theme:autumn

Speaker(s)/Flow:given the them I think this piece flowed well, I was able to picture a crisp autumn eve

Atmosphere/Tone/Mood:walking around in autumn

What I liked:imagery
Orange peeks behind the greens
the wind...With gleeful pleasure
Night dips down turning the dew

A few comments/suggestions I had:

I dare to you return and rewrite/continue this theme in a more flashy tone; there is not rhyme scheme and the syllabic count doesn't follow a pattern so I assume this is free verse

A few parting comments...
I didn't give this a four because of the mundane quality, again, imagery was great, but without a measured flow of either syllables and/or rhyme scheme, it's more prose-y than poem...y and since you're a yellow case I know you can handle that opinion

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4001172

Review of The secret doors to Zachaia

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!
Welcome to WDC! Hope you enjoy the site as much as I do!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: I love fantasy premises that start like this, then again I'm not positive this is fantasy

Storyline: Stella is captured before she can reach her grandkids

Characters: Stella, Zane and Sam (off camera), some hooded figures and an unknown man assailant

Setting: the woods?

Atmosphere/Tone: hurried, dangerous, resigned (when she's caught)

Dialogue: none, as a prologue it can do without, but still needs a rewrite

What I liked: the idea of this being a good story

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

of her safety when they stepped out in front of her blocking the path.
of her safety when they stepped out in front of her, blocking the path.
or
of her safety when they stepped out and blocked her path.

Seeing them, Stella slowed down and finally stopped.
Seeing them, Stella slowed down and finally stopped.
if they block her path she's sure to see them, maybe: Stella was able to stop just before careening into one of the tall hooded figures.

A few parting comments...
While I enjoy the premise I think you've fallen into the 'storyteller' mode where you don't allow the reader to visualize things for themselves. More descriptions and less "he/she did exactly this" would ease the story's flow. I.E. With the slow movement of his gesturing hand to those behind her, she felt them take her arms. could simply be "He gestured and her arms were grabbed roughly from behind."

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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#3982134

Review of Follow Me

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!
Congrats on being featured in this weeks spiritual newsletter!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: well done for your inaugural poem! that's the great thing about poetry, it can be abstract and not make sense to the average reader but still be a masterpiece

Atmosphere/Tone:

Dialogue:

What I liked: the honesty; "hopeless dreams"

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

Follow me to the land of broken hearts
Where lies are told and secrets unfold

Follow me when real love starts
Where hearts are red and "I Love You's" are said
"when real love starts" sounds odd, maybe "to where real love" or is that purposeful?

Follow me into the darkness
Where everything vanishes and then appears again

Follow me when hopeless dreams come true
Where anything can happen and ambition is renewed
how do things appear again if it's in darkness? maybe "follow...into the lighting darkness"?
love the 2nd stanza, "hopeless dreams" is a good one

A few parting comments...
i'm curious as to WHY you chose this to be your heaven, are you saying your heaven is here on Earth?

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3980819

Review of INVISIBLE

Review by A*Monaing*Faith

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!
Welcome to WDC! Hope you enjoy the site as much as I do!
Congrats on being featured in this weeks fantasy newsletter!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: very nice intro to a compelling personal story of redemption

Storyline: a young man is lucky enough to get a 2nd chance at life

Characters:Daniel-the troubled youngster, Abigail-Dan's saving grace, Alex-Dan's good friend who also heard God speak?

Setting:any town, any where

Atmosphere/Tone: story-telling, parable-like, immediate (I kind of felt like this was currently going on)

Dialogue: unfortunately there was none, a good story HAS to have dialogue, even bible stories were spoken to people and often times interrupted by the crowd for further discussion

What I liked:He felt the sins on his shoulders, he felt the pain of his wrong doings he wished he was dead.

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

Daniel Will's is a 15 year old, who is going through a rough time in life. His parents Danny and Debra are going through an ugly divorce, that is tearing Daniel apart.
Daniel Will's is a 15 year old, who is going through a rough time in life. His parents Danny and Debra are going throughcurrently engaged in an ugly divorce, that is tearing Daniel apart.

He feels like it's his fault as if he caused them to fight and hate each other. Daniel is starting to get involved with drugs and gangs.
He feels like it's his fault; as if he caused them to fight and hate each other. (What makes him feel that way?) Daniel is startsing to get involved with drugs and gangs.

Daniel's friend Abigail Smith, is a very good influence on him. Abigail is a Christian and she is proud of it, she tries to witness to Daniel but, he wont listen.
Daniel's friend Abigail Smith is a very good influence on him. Abigail is a Christian and she is proud of it! She tries to witness to Daniel but, he wont listen.

She has given up on him, because he has started doing drugs.He was walking home with his crew, when all of a sudden he fell head first to the cold hard asphalt .
She has given up on him, because he has started doing drugs. He Daniel was walking home with his crew, when all of a sudden, he fell head first to the cold hard asphalt.

A bag valve mask is an artificial ventilation device.
instead of saying this, introduce it through dialogue, IE: Alex might ask the EMTs what the mask does and they tell him it's an AVD

V-fib( ventricular fibrillation, is a condition in which there is uncoordinated contraction is the ventricles of the heart.)
again, this could be a conversation between the paramedics "Hurry, he's going into v-fib!""What?!" "It means his heart is contracting irregularly. Steve, hand me the paddles!"

God also showed him his 'After Life' which makes prison seem like heaven. Daniel felt the flames burn his skin, there was no air his feet were in a pot of hot coals.
wow, again with the imagery and descriptions, very nice

A few parting comments...
this the start of your memoirs? that would be awesome, married AND a father before 18?, I'm sure you have quite the story to tell

Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .