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 |   Exploring the future through the present. One day at a time. |
| I hate when I have something to say, but every time I write something down, it's so terrible I have to delete it. It's a thought I can't put into the proper words to be understood. Darn it. I will instead keep it simple, down to a sentence or two. I'll try anyway. Let's see if I'll succeed, shall we? With regard to my last entry, susanL  was absolutely correct that I need to take time for myself. I'm no good to Thomas (or anyone else for that matter) being frustrated and stressed.It's almost as if mothers (and fathers, too, I suspect) are hardwired to think we'll never do well enough for our children. Dave and I discussed this and determined it's a survival mechanism to make sure our children - so helpless for a time - grow up and thrive long after they leave and raise families of their own. We shouldn't then be surprised when guilt follows close behind the need to be a constant presence to our children. The guilt we can control, which I'm attempting to do on a daily and even hourly basis sometimes. I told a friend the other day I'm glad Thomas won't remember my initial ineptitude as a parent - well the first 18 months or so of it anyway. After that, I'm hoping to have learned a few things, and he won't hate me and think me a complete idiot until he's at least 18 and out of the house  .Well, that's more than a sentence or two, but this time I'm happy with the results. Happy Hump Day - what's left of it. |
| I suppose I should get used to this: I'm not much of a housekeeper. In short, I'm a slob. Mommyhood hasn't helped clean my house any. To my surprise, though, I vacuumed the living room yesterday! My dog is in shed mode, so I pretty much had to. My pants, and everything else was getting nearly as hairy as my dog. If you come to my house, do not wear black! Still, even with my house in disarray, I don't lose things very often. There is one exception of late. I bought four of these things, because they're so handy. Plus, I figured they were small enough I'd misplace one once in a while, and at least have one back up in an emergency. So why do I keep losing all four Nukies (aka pacifiers) in a day? After much searching (as a baby is screaming in my ear), I manage to find one or two, but rarely all at once. They end up in the strangest places: the dryer, my coat pocket, in between the couch cushions, or sitting by the kitchen sink. It's a mystery, these disappearing and reappearing Nukies. I know what you parents are thinking: Just wait until the little one gets to crawling and walking. I'll be consistently surprised where he'll hide whatever he can get his slobbery fingers on. |
| I've stated before I'm a natural optimist. I like to see the bright side of things, even when life isn't going the way I plan or hope. For instance, I received an email this morning from the agent I sent my manuscript to. He didn't reject my manuscript. Instead he sent a form letter stating he will no longer be an agent. Oddly enough, I didn't take it as bad news per se. I have a proposal done; all I need to do is tweak it a little depending upon what other agents are looking for. I already have another agent in mind who will honestly be a better fit for me and my book. I had sent a query to him about two years ago. He liked my story, but said the writing wasn’t up to par. I discussed the letter in my publication journal I haven’t touched in almost a year: ("Rejection #4"  ).From what I’ve read, I can re-query an agent if enough time has passed. Not only has over two years gone by, but the title of my book has changed, and I’ve revamped much of the story - especially the first few chapters - I doubt if he’ll remember me or my story. Besides, my writing has improved enough, he may give my book a closer look. He was also an editor for many years before becoming an agent, so like last time, he may give me some suggestions on how to improve my writing further. I will still search for other agencies while I’m at it, though. I’ve been paying for http://www.writersmarket.com for the last three years, I might as well get my money’s worth out of it again. I buy a yearly subscription instead of the book (they’re the same price), because it’s updated almost daily. With the book, you never know if an editor has changed, someone went out of business or was discovered not to be above-board. |
| PlannerDan talked about a loss of passion - the inability to complete any writing, including blog entries in "Invalid Entry" . I know exactly how he feels, having endured a similar loss of passion for the last six months or so. I could use having a baby as an excuse, and it could be a valid one. Still, I missed not having the desire or energy to write. It's kept this woman's sanity held in one piece since her teens. It's as much a part of me as my right pinky toe. It's normal, these hibernation periods, though that knowledge doesn't end the frustration. When the desire - or passion - kicks in once again, at least for me, the dry spell doesn't seem wasted surprisingly. In fact I feel rested, as though I returned from a relaxing vacation. Writing can be a lot of work, so just like needing time away from our day job, we need time away from writing. In fact, I believe writing is more exhausting than anything else we do. It's one thing we place our very heart and soul on display for others to see. That takes a lot of energy, and not a little courage. Two incidences have relit my passion: 1. Submitting my manuscript. It's one thing weighing on my mind for over five months, getting rid of it has released a burden. I now feel free to tackle other projects. 2. Diving once again into a Christian writer's Bible study called "Write His Answer" by Marlene Bagnull. Last night I finished Lesson 14 entitled “Me – A Servant?” It discussed how to be a good servant, both in our everyday life as well as with our writing. At the end it asked to read the parables listed in Matthew 24:45-51 and Matthew 25:14-30, and to answer the question, “What is [Jesus] saying to you about your calling as a servant of the word?" I won’t add what I came up with at the time (at 2am, I wasn’t as coherant as I am now). It occurred to me after I wrote down my thoughts, by not using the blessings, talents and gifts to God’s purpose, I am violating his trust. Have I violated his trust with this lull in desire? No. As I said previous, these lulls can have a larger purpose. In my case, to concentrate on the baby. Thomas is another trust God has given me that I cannot violate, either. I can do both. I want to do both. Oh, I’m considering self-publishing my novella entitled “A Reason to Hope”. It’s in my port, but I made it private since I’ll be making many changes to it. Plus, if I do publish it, I’d rather you purchased a copy instead of reading it for free. Yes, I’m also in this for the money. I know no traditional publisher will touch it because it’s a novella (25k words), and it’s Christian science fiction with homosexual characters. That fact is not the central theme, though. It’s actually based on Ecclesiastes; how life is pointless without God, and how God loves us and wants us as we are. The changes always come after we give our lives to him, not before. But if you want to know more, you’ll have to read the book. Once I publish it, that is. Maybe. If I can afford it. To help pay for publication, I’m selling most of my books both on eBay and Amazon. So far no luck, but it hasn’t been a week yet. As far as eBay goes, people usually don’t bid until it nears the end, because invariably someone outbids them. If’n your interested in what I have so far (I have many, many more to add yet), check out the following links: http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZandram http://www.amazon.com/gp/shops/index.html?ie=UTF8&sellerID=A2VT961WE758LH |
| I've heard (and even lamented myself a few times) many note and complain how much this place has changed, to the point some have left or will be leaving once their memberships expire. Such is the way of life - change. We best get used to it. We have some measure of control, though. We can always ignore the things we dislike about a place, especially one as large as this one. There is still much good to be had. That's what I like to concentrate on anyway. Change is like a pendulum. It goes in one direction for a while, then swings back. It seemed for the last year or so, the Pendulum of Change swung to the icky side, and kept on going. I have now an example that the Pendulum as reached its apex and is now swinging to the brighter side. What's my proof? Quite easy. A blogger I had come to love as a brother has now returned after a six month hiatus, and I couldn't be happier about it. If you haven't already, wish partyof5 a warm Welcome Back:
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| Has it really been 18 days since I updated my blog? Wow, does time fly. I don't suppose that should be a surprise. All my days have mushed together; I have to look at the calendar on my computer to see what day it is. First I want to share with you an email I received today. It perfectly describes how taking care of Thomas has changed me: Prettiest Mom Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom. I've accomplished a little more than watching my little guy grow (he's growing into his skin enough he no longer looks like a Sharpai). I don't have a scale, but I bet he's near 10 lbs now. He's also losing some of his birth hair, and it's now a medium brown instead of black. His eyes are more of a dark gray instead of a super-dark blue. Can you tell I enjoy watching all the little changes? He also smiles a great deal. Some would say it's not out of joy, and more likely gas. The conventional wisdom is babies don't smile out of happiness until the third month or so. If that's the case, then why does he smile almost without fail when he sees me or Dave, and when I play with his tongue? Even if it is gas, it's still an adorable smile, and I can't get enough of seeing it. Sorry, I have yet to capture it in a picture - it's too fleeting. When I do, though, I'll post it. Oh, back to what I've accomplished . . . Sorry, got a little sidetracked there. I finally sent off my proposal to Winsun Literary Agency. I don't expect to hear from him for at least two months. He normally takes about three - after I remind him. Considering it took me five months to send it off, I will not bug him for a while yet. I've also been working a few hours a day at home. It's nearing our busy time, and there are a few things my bosses want only me to work on. Fine by me since my vacation is running out, and the money Aflac sent me for maternity leave will barely cover any expenses for the next two months. But Thomas is waking up, which means he'll be hungry and likely needs a change. Hope all is well with you. Later! |
| Many years ago – 16 to be exact, during college I tutored other students in math. One lady – who at the time was about 15 years my senior (me being 22 at the time) – actually had a natural aptitude for math, but unfortunately grew up in an era when the conventional wisdom was that girls and math didn’t make a good combination. Nothing I said or did could convince her she was good at math. But that’s a bit off subject. We ended up discussing other things besides math. She asked me once if I had children. After I responded in the negative, along with my plans to never have kids she said, “That’s too bad. You don’t know love until you have children of your own.” I honestly took offense at that. I took it as if I’m incapable of loving someone deeply because I had no children. I tried to argue, but to no avail. She was convinced I would never know a deep and even perfect love while I remained childless. Yet what she said that day remained with me. As I grew older – and I hope a little wiser – I thought more about what she said. Still convinced I would have no children, I instead watched those who did. What astonished me was how the parent’s countenance changed when they spent time with or talked about their children. Many talk about the glow of a pregnant woman, but I saw that same glow with proud and loving parents – the physical manifestation of the unfathomable depths of love. I learned my student was right. I didn’t know that kind of love. I also discovered something else. Parents have a greater understanding of God and his love for us than I did. God gave his life through Jesus for his children, just as most parents would do for theirs – no hesitation or regrets. Can I claim to know love now? Do I understand God better than I did before? Perhaps. What I know for certain how protective I am of Thomas, keeping an ever watchful eye when others hold and play with him, how I can’t get enough of holding him, watching him, just gazing at that perfect face, when he’s sleeping, gazing back at me, his face scrunched up when he has gas, or wailing when he’s hungry. I also know going back to work will be one of the toughest things I’ll ever do. I can’t go to the grocery store for an hour without missing him. It doesn’t amaze me that a tiny person would inspire such depths of love as to defy description. Instead, it’s the most natural response in the world, much like breathing. I’ve always had that capacity, as do most people. It merely waited for expression. It merely waited for Thomas. |
| I’m gonna keep this short, because I’m feeling kinda crappy. It’s a good crappy, though, because how I’m feeling is typical of the end of the line. At my doctor’s appointment last Thursday, I showed 3cm dilation and 75% effacement (if you want to know what that means, you can look it up yerself. I ain’t got the wherewithal to describe it). What it basically means is I could pop this baby out any day now. My doctor did say I could schedule an induction if I’m either too uncomfortable, if I have family in town awaiting the little one’s arrival, or some other reason. I said I’d wait until the actual due date; I'd rather let nature take its course. However, if nothing happens before my next appointment this Thursday - which puts me one day past my due date - then I’ll have them induce me. I know I’m getting closer – and not only because of the calendar – but because the frequency of contractions have increased (though still erratic), and today I’m nauseated. Who’d have thought feeling crappy would make me happy, and that I would actually look forward to pain. I admit my impatience, but who wouldn’t be when it comes to meeting their child for the first time? |
| Life is about learning - a day to day adventure to discover something heretofore unknown. For instance, at 1:18 am this morning as I took one of my many trips to the bathroom, my bladder can still hold more than I expect. Unfortunately (depending upon your point of view), I thought something else other than my bladder had burst so early in the morning. I awoke Dave and said, "I think my water may have broke." Twenty minutes later we were out the door. I didn't leak any, so I was fairly confident my water didn't break, and Thomas was merely trying to make more room for himself. Then again, I also wanted to make certain. I don't like to second-guess and worry if I don't have to. We had called ahead, so they had a room already prepared. I undressed, put on a gown, and the nurse placed the baby heartbeat monitor and another one to measure any contractions. The nurse then performed the swab, and we waited about 45 minutes for the results. It turned out negative, so no bursted balloons here! Still, I enjoyed listening to Thomas' heartbeat, as well as watch the graph jump when I had a contraction. I had three strong ones - still erratic in time and intensity, so no chance I was in imminent labor. We had to wait almost another hour for the doctor on call to check me out and discharge me. She wasn't available, so she had the nurse measure me (at 3 cm; still not much happening in that area). The nurse couldn't feel the baby's head, so the doctor (over the phone) ordered an ultrasound to determine if the baby's head was down. My has Thomas grown! For a second I thought, "My body will be able to expel that?! No wonder giving birth is so painful!" Upon determining Thomas' head was indeed down (something I didn't doubt. He's been head-down since almost the beginning) they released me, and Dave and I fell back into bed at 4am. I could say I'm embarrassed for overreacting, but I'm not. I figure where the baby is concerned, I shouldn't be guessing if I'm unsure about something. Besides, for a first pregnancy, it's quite common for a woman to go in thinking her water broke, when in reality her bladder spasmed. I done learned something today. That always makes for a good day - or at least one not wasted. Mostly though, I wanted to share a cartoon with you I found in "Chicken Soup for the New Mom's Soul." I'm thinking Thomas has a new nickname:  |
| Hi all! I noticed the little calendar to the left of my screen is all black, so I thought I'd add a blue spot to break things up a bit. How's 2008 shaping up for you so far? For me, no change. I still have a squirmy basketball in my belly. I'm feeling good overall, albeit more tired as the days go by. I've been experiencing more contractions at night, but they're still erratic, darn it. I get about 20-40 minutes of contractions 3-7 minutes apart, then nothing for an hour or two. The next day, and the next night even, hardly anything. Darn it. I've apparently been sleeping hard enough not to feel Thomas dancing. Dave told me a few times as I snored away, Thomas jumped around a lot. Perhaps my snoring bothered him, and he kept kicking me to get me to stop? I go in to the doctor's on Thursday. The last two appointments showed 2 cm dilation, which is good, but not great. With the increase of contractions as well as a feeling of downward pressure the last few days, I'm hoping for more by now. I understand now why some women beg their doctors to induce labor at this point. The waiting - especially this close to the due date - is near tortuous. Part of it is due to longing to finally meet the little guy, but also knowing each day that passes, the more the baby grows. The more he grows, the more difficult delivery could be. I know I don't have a choice, but having a 10 lb baby is an experience I can live without. Birthing a 7 lb baby sounds by far more appealing! I wish I had a more interesting subject to toss at you, but my brain can focus on this one thing only. Darn it. |
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