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 |   Exploring the future through the present. One day at a time. |
| The subtitle of this journal is "Discovering God through my son." I wrote it, because only through having a child did I understand how strong and deep love could be. Surely it's close to how God feels about us. Every day I go home for lunch. It's not only cheaper than going out, but I get to play with my son for an hour before I have to return. I don't miss him so much during the day. Today Dave needed to run errands, so I was all alone for lunch. I did ask him to bring Thomas by work when he was done so I could show off how much he's grown since they saw him last. He didn't make it until 2:30. I nearly jumped out of my skin with excitement when Dave drove up. I wonder. Does God rejoice like that when we go to him after little - or even great - absences? |
| It's been an exhausting week, both at work and at home. At work we're working on a large project that consists of a subdivision plat, water, sewer and street plans. We're doing things a bit backward in that we're installing the water, sewer and streets before we have a final plat. Not wise, and my complaint below is an example why. The client keeps changing the plat, and when the plat gets changed, everything else has to change as well. Drives me nuts. Granted they're paying for it, but it's irritating that all the work we've done previous is now useless and wasted. We're talking weeks of man-hours (and not just mine) and thousands of dollars. At one point I thought, "banging my head against a wall is more productive than this." The latest was a change in one area of the plat; we had to move one road ten feet and another 33 feet. The project manager then asks me every day for almost two weeks to get him the final grade points for that area. Each time I told him I couldn't until I made the changes to the plat first and had the client okay them. In the meantime I was on a tight schedule to complete the water, sewer and street plans for another area, so that took precedence. I didn't want to figure points for the survey and construction crew, and then come back a week later with major changes. That's more of a waste of time and again lots of money. Still he bothered me about it, getting more irritated with me each time. I refused to budge. Then comes Friday when the construction company owner said he wouldn't touch that area until he had a set of plans. Finally, the project manager backed off. What pissed me off most is that he ignored my advice, yet took that of the construction company - when it was the same. Grrrrr! I hate being treated as if I don't know beans about my work. After doing this for 15 years, I think I've earned the right to be listened to. I could claim it's because I'm a woman and the construction company is owned by a man, but I don't know that for certain. Besides, his reasons don't mean anything to me. I will be heard, and I cannot be moved if I know I'm right. My gender has nothing to do with it. Only through my actions will the project manager understand that. Eventually, because he'll have no other choice. On the home-front, Tom (my step-dad) is having difficulty adjusting to his new life - such as it is. He still feels in limbo - hating North Dakota, but with all of his family now outside Fort Collins, Colorado is lonesome. He hates being back there almost as much as he hates being here. What made it worse is Maxine, their 12-year-old miniature schnauzer, had a stroke. She was given a 50-50 chance to survive. That was a week ago. She has her good hours and her bad hours. It's a terrible emotional rollercoaster ride for him and my mom, seeing her doing well with eating, drinking and moving around - including running - to an instant change where she loses her balance and can't get up. I think they'll decide in the next few days to put her down. Dave is making a coffin (at Tom's request) for her now. It's difficult to see a parent so heartbroken. Tom's only bright light is Thomas. I wish it were enough, or that he could see everything else he has going for him, which is a lot. He's extremely healthy and after less than two years here he's built up a reputation as an excellent and trustworthy welder. That's difficult to do anywhere, let alone a state full of picky people who don't easily trust people they haven't known for years. But it's the weekend, so I'll take advantage of it by resting and playing with my son. Every time he smiles or laughs, everything in this strange, mixed up world makes sense. |
| Well, do I? Look closely. Notice the changes? No? I gotta spell it out for you? Fine! I began the "Invalid Item"  on a whim. I searched for motivation to write, but seemed out of ideas. This contest was the perfect opportunity. Since I signed up late, I didn't expect to be an official participant. Still, because I wanted to write something I wrote entries based on the challenges anyway.The next day, one of the participants dropped out and earlybird kindly added me to the list for Round 1. I enjoyed the contest, but was also challenged by it. It's sometimes difficult to look deep within myself, but even more to accurately describe what goes on in the mush pit I call a brain that others will understand. Did I expect to do well? Sure. Did I expect to win anything? Nope. I did this for me, to get me back in the groove of writing every day. That made receiving this Merit Badge: ![Merit Badge in Journaling
[Click For More Info]
Congratulations for participating and completing the [Link To Item #1405205] . May this challenge inspires you to write on! -earl-](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/type-Journaling-2180.gif) pretty darned surprising. But the surprising didn't end there. I won first place in the contest and as a prize also received the loverly red ribbon now adorning my blog. I'm almost speechless, because I read many of the entries of the other participants. Theirs were thought-provoking and excellent writing overall. I honestly didn't think my entries were on par with theirs, let alone take first place. But I certainly won't be giving back the prizes  .And now for my acceptance speech: Thank you earlybird for starting the contest. I have indeed been inspired, and you've relit the writing bug within. I also want to thank karabu, because if she hadn't mentioned the contest in her blog, I never would have known about it. And you, Dear Reader. Without you reading and taking the time to comment, I would not be so motivated to continue. Self-patting on the back now done. Good thing, too. I almost dislocated my elbow. |
| "The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one's self." -- Phillip James Bailey Are you hiding in some way from your own inner light? I wouldn't dream of stealing things but I do steal from my own potential. I can be a master at rationalizing, at justifying why it's not the right time to do something challenging. My arguments seem valid but deep down, I know they're excuses. We're all masters at self-deception. I've given good examples from this 7-day writing challenge alone. It began with the first day when I proclaimed my writing of late as shallow. Many of you disagreed. Two days later, I described how I used to think I was ugly, and how it took over 10 years to change my mind. I deceive myself in other ways. For instance, I'm a great writer, and I'm a terrible writer, two thoughts that can occur in the same day if not the same hour. Which is true? Both and neither. I can write great things, from 100-word stories to journal entries to novels. I can also write terrible things from 100-word stories to journal entries to novels. I still have the first drafts to prove it. The problem with self-deception is that it drives us to move forward too quickly (when I submitted a novel after only the second draft and was politely told my writing sucked), or stops us in our tracks (I have many a short story and article collecting virtual dust on my computer). So how do we avoid or rid ourselves of these deceptions? Move forward, even if too quickly. I didn't know my writing needed improvement until someone told me. I also didn't know how good I could write until I allowed others to read my words. My excuse now for not submitting my writing is sheer laziness. Oh, sure, I could claim Busy Mom, but I managed to make time for this 7-day challenge, didn't I? Editing and submitting my work shouldn't take any more effort. Even an hour a day can make a big difference. So what's holding me back? Digging deep, it's due to the comfort of my dream to be published. Dreaming is easy; making it come true is hard. It means having to face both failure and success, two things that scare me in equal measure. No one likes to fail, but writing success means tackling different kinds of work such as promotion, and writing more books that entertain and inspire as much or moreso to keep whatever fan-base I gain consistent and growing. Can you tell writing has been on my mind lately? |
| "I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike." -- Emile Henry Gauvreau I can't say I've ever worked a job I hated. Sure, I've taken a job I didn't necessarily want because I needed the money. That included a housekeeping job in a hotel. Every one I ended up enjoying for various reasons. That's not to say I woke up every day wanting to go to work. Far from it. Even now I wake up some days and long to call in absent (I refuse to call in sick when I'm not; too dishonest). However, I did go through a stage as a teenager where I wanted to impress people (who didn't?), though not people I disliked. If I dislike someone, I don't give a rat's patootie what they think of me. Even as a youngin' I thought that way. I guess being anti-social as I described in a previous entry has its advantages. Having to scrape up money for food from day to day for a while, I also don't buy things I don't need to impress people. Living like that, buying material goods to try to increase the opinions of others doesn't enter the mind for a second. Yes, now I buy things I don't need. I'm a techno-junkie as I've described before. I do it because I like electronic toys, and enjoy learning about how they function, not because I long to brag about what I have to others. That's as shallow a reason I can think of to buy anything. In fact, I tend to hide from others what I have, especially if they don't have as much as I do. Does it stem from guilt? Yes. Sure, I've worked hard enough I can claim I've earned what I have, but at the same time, I don't want others to envy me. So I guess in that way I want to impress people. I want to impress upon them I too know what it's like to struggle to live at times. I want people to see me, not what I own or don't own. I think that's one reason I love to write. People see my words, my heart and mind first, not the physical form God placed my soul inside of. |
| "The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." -- Eden Phillpotts What if you were to pretend that you were healthy, wealthy and wise? What if you were to decide to be happy, no matter what else was happening? Take the power of 'what if...' seriously, and you will grasp the power to create a world of your own design. Everything, EVERYTHING begins in the imagination. Put it to work constructively for you. Writers first and foremost ask the question, "What if?" before we begin any story. That's what spurs us on to write the first word and continue to the last. It tickles the imagination and motivates us to discover. Scientific discovery works much the same way; it's not limited to the make-believe. We ask, "What if the moon is made out of cream cheese? Let's go find out!" "What if there was or is life on Mars?" Again, in order to find out if our suppositions can be proved or disproved, we must go there. I love Romans 1:20: "For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God." God is the ultimate of creation, the ultimate asker of "What if?" Nothing came as a surprise to him as a result of everything he created, but that I'm sure didn't dampen the joy he felt in accomplishing the act: "Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day." (Genesis 1:31). Anything we create, whether be with writing a new story with unique characters and even entire worlds, discovering something in nature (imagine the elation of the scientist who discovered DNA), or painting a picture, we experience that same joy of making something out of nothing. Shakespeare got it right when Hamlet said, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." There is always more to learn, so much more to discover. Whenever we quit asking "What if?" we will find our lives complacent and stagnant. Boring if you will. This life is the only one I will live on this earth. To not seek out all its wonders is to squander my time here. It might even frustrate God some that I don't discover more about all he created, just as I get frustrated when people don't read the words I write. |
| "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." -- Lao Tzu How do you define yourself, to yourself and others? Are you first and foremost a husband/wife? A mother/father? A bus driver, dentist, musician ... ? A Christian, Moslem, Jew ...? A nag, joker, dreamer ...? Be aware that any label puts limits on you. In reading Lau Tzu's quote, the first label I thought of was how ugly I am. While I don't believe that now, as I grew up and as far as into my twenties, I knew I was ugly. When a person is told something often enough, and by different people, it becomes the truth. And growing up, people told me I was ugly. It didn't devastate me; in fact it freed me in many ways. I didn't have to try to keep up my outward beauty, but instead concentrate on what was inside me. I paid close attention to my schoolwork, and tried to be the best person I could be. It taught me humility and empathy. I see how labels can limit a person. Thinking I was ugly prevented me from trying out for beauty contests, going to school dances (after all no one wants to dance with an ugly girl), and even sports and other extra-curricular activities. It hindered any social life to be sure. Because of that, I still have to work on socializing with many people. One on one, and slowly getting to know a person I can do. But going to parties surrounded by people I've never met, and you are looking at one serious wall flower. As for the rest of the quote above, I admit I define myself by what I do. I am a Registered Land Surveyor, wife, and mother. I am also a Christian, a dreamer, a writer, and a few others I'm sure, but my decaffeinated brain can't come up with more at the moment. Will I always remain those things? No. I will not always be a land surveyor. I may get fired, or the company may go out of business, and if no other surveying jobs are available, I'll have to try something new. For many on my list, I hope so, although the order of the list may change now and again. For instance, when I'm at work, I'm a surveyor first. Right now I'm a writer first. When I'm with my husband and son, I am a wife and mother. Yet I always stay a Christian and even a dreamer. Gotta have dreams, for without them, the labels we place on ourselves, or are forced on us by others never change or grow. |
| "Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities -- always see them, for they're always there." -- Dr. Norman Vincent Peale Sometimes I wish thinking positive came natural. How easy life would be then, to always see the possibilities in the midst of the complete black of my life. But how can I see the possibilities when I'm blinded by the dark? When my day starts out the wrong way, whether it be not enough sleep, a bad dream, or darn it, why didn't my husband leave me any hot water for my shower, invariably the rest of the day spirals downward with speeds increasing exponentially as the hours go by. Yet I consider myself lucky - or even blessed. I have a bad day. So what? The next day usually turns out much better. I can almost count on it. Not so for many others. I take advantage of the blessings in my life which include family, friends, and want for no material things. I don't have to worry about where my next meal will come from, or whether or not I have some place to sleep tonight. So really, how can I not see the possibilities, when I've never really been in the dark? I've never been oppressed; no one will stop me from voting for my candidates of choice, I can go to church, attend a Bible study without a word from anyone, if I need something at the store, pfft, no problem. It's but a few blocks away. Why then do people have to write books on the power of positive thinking? How is it the book entitled "The Secret" make hefty waves? Is it because no matter how good our lives are, we're never satisfied? Or is it something else, something we can't gain from the physical world? Humans are spiritual creatures as well as physical ones. If we lack spiritual contentment, no amount of material wealth will make up for it - though we do try, don't we? I think most of you consider me a positive person - that 'vivacious' is a well-chosen handle for me. Truth is I have to work at it sometimes. But I'm motivated, because I know what it's like to despair, to feel as if tomorrow wasn't worth living long enough to see. Having contemplated suicide three times in my life (twice as a teenager, and once in my early twenties), I found also there was always light - however small at first. The light came in different forms: One was a voice telling me I was forgiven of my terrible deed, the second was a friend who leant me a sympathetic ear, and the third was a vision of what killing myself would actually look like, and it scared me straight. Each time I attribute to God watching out for me. In the end, my positive outlook boils down to him and his promise to always give me the strength and wisdom to endure whatever befalls me. I cry, groan and complain during those darker times, but each time I rise above it stronger, wiser, and closer to God. Now if only I'd always remember that as I endure those dark moments, and not after it's all said and done. |
| "Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans: it's lovely to be silly at the right moment." -- Horace With all that's going wrong in this world - fears running rampant that our world is dying, we're dying, our country is dying, the future be bleak (is this an election year, or what?) even our most darkest imaginings can't touch (according to our politicians anyway), it's easy to forget to laugh. Sometimes we even feel guilty for enjoying our lives when so many others suffer. But even those who suffer can make time to laugh, or make others laugh. It's what keeps life worth living regardless of our circumstances. Growing up people described me one way without fail: Weird. I admit to being a strange child. Because of my strangeness with acting out my imaginings - pretending to be someone I could never be, people tended to either avoid me or tease me. As I grew up I tried to suppress that weirdness. It didn't work. People know a fraud when they see one, and is far less attractive than someone who's strange. Because that left me largely alone, I decided to embrace my weirdness - show it off even. I soon discovered people laughed - not at me anymore, but with me. I never thought making people laugh would bring me such joy. Yep, a little silliness can go a long way. A life lived too serious is not one worth living. |
karabu's last entry ("Invalid Entry" ) mentioned a new contest set up by earlybird. It's to encourage the participants to write every day:
It's limited to 10 people, but I asked for a spot anyway. I'm on the list for Round 2 which begins next week. If two people on the original list drop out, then I'll get a spot. I decided although I'm not an official participant, nothing says I can't write entries based on the subject of the day. Lately I've found my entries lacking substance - philosophical substance. Understandable considering my life is full right now. Still I miss writing about deeper issues such as my faith. This sense of discontent is not far from the first writing challenge. I was supposed to have written it yesterday, but I forgot to bring the start of this entry home from work. Perhaps I'll end up writing two entries today. We'll see. Today's (Yesterday's) challenge: "One of the great dangers of transformational work is that the ego attempts to sidestep deep psychological work by leaping into the transcendent too soon. This is because the ego always fancies itself much more 'advanced' than it actually is." -- Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson I like to believe I'm a deep thinker. Life is full of so many wonders, how can I not want to dig deeper, whether it be the way people treat one another, how we think of ourselves as time passes, and the attention to detail God paid in creating a single flower down to its DNA? But I also tend to be lazy. Sometimes I don't want to know more about how a butterfly flies, or why religion and politics can tear apart relationships. I have my opinions, my experiences, and based on those, darn it, I'm right, right, right, and anyone who disagrees is wrong, wrong, wrong (Did I put enough commas in that sentence fer ya?). That's not to say truth is relative. On the contrary. Truth is concrete. The difficulty comes in not knowing enough facts to make a proper conclusion. I believe society has driven many to believe truth is relative, and what's true and right for one person is not true and right for another. How can that be when many of these so-called truths contradict themselves? It's like saying I'm both alive and dead at the same time. While theoretical physics states that can be possible, in the tangible universe where I live, it's not. That's my advanced thinking for today - so says my very proud ego. Given enough time and more digging into the truth of things, I may change my mind. Right now, I'm too lazy. |
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