Internal Conflict

Our personal experiences shape and mold who we are. They make us capable of understanding and relating to others who have experienced similar things. They make us stronger and more capable and they make us so diverse!

I am someone who digs much deeper in life than most people. I am a very deep thinker, to the point that I am pretty much always confused and thinking I am crazy for feeling/ thinking the things I do. I am in desperate need of someone who can know and relate to me on my level.

I am frustrated and tired because I feel that I will never find anyone who can understand me. I am also feeling like I am stupid for not being able to help people understand me. What is going on inside me just can’t be put into words. This is very frustrating and annoying. Why can’t I explain to my very committed and very loving companion what I am all about? Why is it so hard for me to express myself lately? How have I gotten into this “I close myself off to stay protected” cycle and how can I break it? I just want to be happy and I know I am in control of my own happiness. I just can’t find the steps to begin fixing my subconscious behaviors. Is there a solution out there? Will I ever find it? What do I need to do to help myself?

Control is an allusion. I am a control freak. I seek to control because I lived a childhood of chaos. I want to take the right path and become better than my parents. I don’t want to make the mistakes they did, I don’t want to fail. I cannot fail! I will not let my circumstances/ the lifestyle I grew up around determine who I am. I must break the cycle and that means controlling the direction I go.

I am so desperately scared of allowing myself to be hurt. I cannot put myself in a situation where I will be abused. I cannot let myself be hurt by others. I portray the exact opposite of what I truly am inside. On the outside I am very straight forward, honest, direct, in control, strong, confident and proud. On the inside I am just running scared. I keep people away with my brash personality so I don’t have to be hurt. I am so confused and so lost inside. Unfortunately my experiences and circumstances have armed me with the ability to hide all my weak and unsettling thoughts/ feelings. Even if I want to open up I can’t. My battle armor is on and I am mindlessly hiding my feelings/ thoughts I am in a constant state of defense because my wellbeing has always be under attack.

I am smart and aware of so much so why can’t I simply over power my defenses? I want to open up to my companion I want to feel love and be understood but I am constantly denying myself the chance to be fulfilled. There is a huge battle raging inside me (open up/ stay protected) I know who I want to win I just feel clueless and unable to find the way to make it happen.