Entrance into the Ivy League

According to the application, you want to know more about me. Are you sure? You may lose interest in my life after finding out that I don’t come from a privileged family. My father is not a senator, neurosurgeon, or millionaire. Aside from my inferiority complex, and propensity towards complaining in public, I am average. I work at in an office and play with book titles in my mind. I basically do my job in between surfing the internet and dreaming about warm places. Yesterday, I went to Hawaii and back. Last week I vacationed in Aruba. The water was like bathwater and the weather balmy.

Aching for more? I also hate crunchy peanut butter, cry at the movies, hate phony people, cannot wear the color yellow, like to read Dorothy Parker and cannot stand Kerouac, live with my fiancé, think Michael Jackson bears a striking resemblance to Peter Pan, and love to sing in the shower. I am sorry. Am I beginning to lose focus? Is the point of this essay to measure my mental capacity or to gauge my writing ability? Or to kiss ass and say “If you accept me into your fine institution I will be the best asset to your student population, graduate with every single honor so that I can whip out my check book and make sizable donations to the alumni foundation until I retire, have no money to speak of, and then eventually die."

What do I get in return? You say my prize is not only a degree, but also a lifetime membership into the National Society of Pompous Arrogant Pretentious Boring Intellectuals? Please, sign me up.

In closing I understand that going to a good college is my meal ticket. I also understand my responsibility and future. If you accept me, than I must agree to marry an equally successful man, vow never to step foot in the suburbs, breed genius children, and wear lots of tweed. I the applicant understand the contribution I need to make to society upon my acceptance to your prestigious university. I will vow to drive an expensive car, thwart minorities from moving into my gated housing community, vote republican, and hate everyone except myself and others like me.

In closing, thank you for your consideration. Enclosed are my transcripts, resume, and supporting documents for review.