Why?

Why am I so incapable of expressing any kind of emotion? Why can’t I talk about how I’m feeling or what’s on my mind with anybody? Why did I get so scared that I ran out of there tonight? Why am I so afraid to open up with people? Why am I so scared right now? And not only that, why can’t I just tell him that I’m scared? What does he even see in me? And why is he so amazing? How does he have every quality that I’ve ever looked for in a guy, but I’m still somehow pushing him away? I don’t want to push him away... that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do, but that’s what I’m doing…why? Why can’t I just admit that I’m crazy about him, and accept the fact that it is possible for someone to like me? But how? What is it that someone like him could ever see in me? Why is this too good to be true? And why am I ruining this for myself?? Why am I so unable of talking about this?! What’s wrong with me?? Why do I keep avoiding every question that someone asks me? I’ve had so many opportunities to just be honest, but I avoid them every time. I just don’t understand what my problem is. Why is it such a big deal? Why can’t I just suck it up and get over myself? Why can’t I just let myself be happy? Why is it that every time someone likes me I push them away? I push them so far away. It’s so stupid. And I know it’s stupid. I know it’s stupid as I’m doing it. So why do I keep doing it? I just don’t know. My head just went crazy tonight. I wasn’t myself the whole night. I’m ruining things. My head went crazy, and all this stuff just started going through my head, and I knew it was dumb, and I knew I should just tell him. But I panicked, and I left. I didn’t even have a reason. I just said, I think I’m going to head back, good night. And I took off. Why? Why would I do that? I’m so mad at myself right now. And I was mad at myself when I was there, because I knew I was going to do it, and I knew I was going to panic, and I knew I was going to leave. But I really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know what else to do. I just wish I could open up, and I wish that I could be honest. And I hope that when I do get over whatever it is I’m going through that it’s not too late. I just really hope it’s not too late. Because this is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted to mess up. I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry…