My Love

Dear Diary,
Why does he still affect me as he always does? And why can't I ever talk to him. Everytime I seee him mearby..my tongue gets all tied up and I feel butterflies in my stomach..my knees go all wobbly. Its been 3 years now since I first set my eyes on him..3 long years and I've never been able to forget about him. What is it about him that intrigues me so much. Yet, he brings me so much pain. Sigh, love is so easy but with him..that theory just flies out the window. I've never been able to talk to. Oh yeah..he's tried plenty of times..trying to talk to me but yet..yet I run away. What is it that I'm scared of? Rejection? Disappointment that he'll never ever love me back? Sigh..it all goes back to that one fateful day in the bookshop...
"Sigh..sheesh. Why do I need to come and buy books all alone for school at night?" I asked myself. You see..I was a Form 1 student at the age of 13 this year..the year 2003. I had to come and buy books for school. School was opening soon and yet, I was still in the holiday mood. I walked into the shop, determined to get out of here as fast as possible. It was already 8.30 at night and I wanted to go home pronto! The shop's name was SBL. I told the nice lady the titles of the books that I needed. She searched and gave them to me. I thanked her politely, the normal ritual and lined up to pay for them. 'Hurry up..damn it! This line is so freaking long!' I thought. I was thinking about that when suddenly..a boy caught my eye. He was about the age of 14 or 15. There was something mysterious about him. He had hazelnut brown eyes which were so, so soulful and it was as if I was staring at his soul through his eyes. He had eyebags but instead of making his eyes tired-looking, it enhanced them. He had full lips and was about half a head taller than me. He had a well-shaped and prominent nose. He was well-built but fell more to the skinny side. He was prastically skin and bones but it was visible that he had pretty big bones. Oh..he was definitely a handsome guy but ever so cool. It was in the way he walked and the way he looked. I knew plenty of guys who would have given anything to have the natural cool look. He didn't even have to pretend. It was in him..in his aura and it reflected in his eyes. He was wearing very casual clothes..3/4 grey pants that reached to his knees and a grey shirt. I loved his hair. People might have thought it was dorky or something. But me? I thought it suited him really, really well. His hair was a beautiful shade of brown almost the same colour as his eyes. No! He didn't colour it or anything of that sort. It was natural and in my eyes, he reminded me of a Greek God..not his body built! But he was so cool like water and air and so very beautiful. 'How would it feel like to fall in love with someone like him?' I thought at that very moment. Unfortunately, he did not notice me. I knew that he was from my school because I had seen him around but never really paying attention to him. I guess sometimes boredom allows you to notice things in a different way when you have time. Other that going through life like it was rush hour or something like that. At that very moment, I honestly could say I was very very attracted to this guy. I couldn't get him off my mind and I stared at him. Wanting him to come and say hi. Wanting him to recognize me as one of the faces in the school crowd. Unfortunately, he caught my eye but I never did catch his. I paid for my books and left the shop without a backward glance at him. His image was already imprinted so very deep in my mind, I did not want it to go even deeper. It scared me so much to feel this! This feeling that I've never ever felt before. This insane attraction which drew me to him. I never ever found out what drew me to him. Oh yes, physically, he was very good-looking and I wondered how many hearts he had left trailing in his past. Yet, it seemed so impossible to imagine him with someone. He was cold, he was ice and he..had a heart of ice. You could feel it, could see it, could smell it in the air.
The next day, I went back to school and saw him. Ever felt that feeling where your heart seems so light and happy? Whereever you step on, it feels soft and bouncy as if you were walking on clouds? Where you just smile for no reason except that feeling of joy imprinted deep in your heart? At that very moment, I realized he was about to play a very, very important, critical, hurtful, painful and crucial role in my secondary life(highschool life) He had already owned an important place in my heart. Things like that do not happen overnight for me. Some people take years just to gain a spot in my heart. Yet, all it took from him was a beautiful smile and I was his. Smack right in the middle..I was his. That realization hit me like a bolt of thunder. How could it be? I do not even know his name, age, class or anything about him as a matter of fact. His smile was dazzling and the most precious thing I'll ever find in this world. I hold it close to my heart, never letting go of it. Sometimes when I feel sad, it gives me strength to carry on. I Love Him! Eventually, he found out about it and rejected me. Oh, he consoled me but it wasn't enough. Could he not see? He was my first and only love...to be continued..