The Angel and The Vampire

The vampire licked the last drop of blood from his fangs. "Mmmm," he said to his latest victim, who was drained of all blood and couldn't possibly hear him, "I'm glad I didn't go to that rave party. I think your blood is sweet enough to last me the whole night." The vampire patted the minister's head sweetly, and put his jacket back on.

Before he could leave however, an angel appeared, no doubt to guide the minister to heaven. The vampire shrugged. He didn't care what happened to his meal once he was done with it, but it was rare that he saw an angel coming for a minister.

" What did he do that was so good?" asked the vampire of the angel. The angel looked up from dragging the minister’s soul away from his body, and narrowed her eyes.

"Why do you have to be such an ass?" She asked the vampire as she tugged at the minister's soul. "All you have to do is rob a blood bank, and you won't have to worry about innocent people getting killed!"

The vampire took a seat in the minister's office and put his hands behind his head. "Who says I worry about killing people? I don't. I enjoy it. Without it, eating would be a bore. And I have so few hours to entertain myself in every day."

The angel gave the soul a final tug, and it popped out. The soul gave a low moan and hid itself behind the angel. "It's alright." the angel soothed. "You're going to heaven now."

"So he can be bored out of his mind right?" chuckled the vampire. "You know damn well there's nothing to do in heaven but sit on your ass all day. You can't even have sex."

The angel snickered. "You can't even have sex now, Feras. You're overweight even by human standards."

Feras looked down at his 300 lb. body and shrugged. " A blowjob is good enough. I don't mind being as large as I am. What's wrong with it?"

The angel shuddered. "It's disgusting, that's what it is. All it is is a flaunting of excess, gluttony...and one of the many things wrong with the world today! It sickens me!"

Feras stopped smiling. "I don't care what sickens you. Why don't you get off that air current you've been riding on since you've been created, and face the facts. Your job has got to be the most pointless there is. You'll probably be doing this 'til the end of time, and what will you get? Nothing."

The angel shook her head sadly. "Serving God is satisfaction enough. Only someone with a mature spirituality would understand that."

The vampire laughed, flashing his fangs. "Awww! Da poor widdle angel is speaking philosophy! Serving God my blood-filled ass! Your telling me the only enjoyment you get out of doing what God tells you to do is...doing what God tells you to do?"

The angel nodded. "And? So what?"

Feras broke down laughing. "You are such a pawn!" he said when he recovered. " You know nothing of self-satisfaction! Shit, you're just like some immortal kid, who never grows up! I'm glad my mother was an angel who rebelled! At least she had common sense to take what she needed!"

" Your mother was very good, " remarked the angel. " If only Satan hadn't convinced her to rebel..."

" She would have ended up a footrest just like you? Not my mom! She was too tough! She had a mind of her own!" bragged Feras.

" That is what led to her downfall." said the angel.

Feras shook his large head. " This conversation is leading us nowhere. Why don't you take your soul and go away? All this talking is making me hungry again."

The angel took the soul by the hand and told it not to cringe away from the vampire. "He can't harm you any more. Judgment Day will come soon enough for him!"

The vampire rolled his eyes at her. " You've been saying that to humans for what? The past five millenniums? Oh please! That line might have been scary 2 or 3 thousand years ago, but now it's really old. It's amazing how one little lie can keep humans shaking for so long, but what can I say? They didn't exactly get the brains in our great big family did they?"

The angel paused for a second, disturbed by his words. Why did he have to stay around this time? Couldn't he have gone on about his business without involving her in a blasphemous conversation? The angel flew up in the sky, still holding the soul tightly by the hand so she wouldn't lose it, and vanished.

Feras the vampire got up and left the office, hungry again. He should have never started that conversation. He had forgotten how much energy it took to talk. Oh well, he could always go to that blood rave. They always had food there, even if he couldn't kill it. Feras turned up the collar of his jacket to guard against the night chill, and left the church.