the f.b.i. agent

The F.B.I. Agent

Imagine a world full of crime, robbery, terrorists and rape. Whenever you go, no matter where you are, there’s no telling what will happen. For example, one moment you are shopping and the next thing you know was you’re in dark alley being gang rape by gangsters. All this must be put to a stop and a new crime fighter has come! He’s the one and only…………….Adam Han bin Onn! Wait a minute! Bloody hell! Did you mean that it’s the same guy who enter the Old Folks home and screwed their brains out and was sent to the mental institute!? Ting! Ting! Ting! We got a winner!!!
Now he works as a secret agent for the F.B.I.! Isn’t it great!? Hell no! He can’t read, he can’t tie his shoe laces and for Christ’s sake, his mother has to wipe his ass after he shitted.
Why in the world would someone hired a pathetic, perverted, insane, bloody asshole like Adam Han to be a secret agent. And this is not someone! It’s the F.B.I.! Had they gone mad! This is the beginning of the end!!!! But not to worry! What can a little brat do!? He’s even afraid of the dark!!! And so the story begins.
At about 6.00 a.m. “Adam!.....Oo……Adam! Wake up!!” His mother called him. “No! One more second!” “Hurry up! This is your first day at work!!” “Another minute mum!” He said. “Why you little!@@#$% If you don’t wake up this instance….” “Shut up! Bitch!” shouted Adam. “That’s it now you’re going to get it! ‘WHACK!!!’ “SPLASH!’ (his mother whack Adam with the potty he was using!) “Holy shit! There’s shit all over me! Fine! Fine! I’ll wake up! Happy!?” He shouted. “No!” was the reply. ‘SMACK!’ and his mother ran away. Then he went to the toilet for a shit.
After 15 minutes, “Mom! Mommy!” Adam shouted. “HEY! MOTHER! I’m done can you help me wipe my ass?” “Wipe it yourself! Dumb ass!” was the replied. “But…But….I don’t know how!!!” “That’s your problem isn’t it? Not mine!” His mother said. “Waaaaa……….Waaaaa………….Waaaa…..My…..My........Mother don’t love me anymore cause she don’t want to help me wipe my bottom!” Adam cried miserably. “What a big baby! Fine! But only this time! Next time you’re on your on!” Adam’s mother said. “Yeah! My mother’s wiping my ass! My mother is wiping my ass! My mother wiping my ass and here comes another one! ‘PIAK!’ (He farted and something else came out!) “Holy Crap!” shouted his mother. “You good for nothing shit ass! That’s my new dress!” “Thanks mom!” Adam said happily and went to work.
“O boy! The first day at work! I can’t wait to see my work place!” Adam said while going to the F.B.I’s office. As he was walking, he saw a sign ‘Beware of dogs!” at the gates. “Who cares? It’s not like it’s going to kill me or what!” ignored Adam and walked through. Then suddenly, ‘SLIP!’ ‘SWISH!’ ‘PIANG!’ He steps on a dog and fell! (See toldya! ‘Beware of dog!’) He got up and continued walking.
He arrived at the entrance and it has got some kind off code or something. Suddenly machine spoke, “If you want to enter, press the red button.” And Adam pressed the red button. “Now you have pressed the red button but it is jammed so please kindly press number ‘1’. Thank you for your cooperation.” “Lousy machine!” And Adam pressed ‘1’. “Sorry did I meant ‘1’, I mean it’s ‘6’. Sorry.” And Adam pressed ‘6’. “Now that you had pressed ‘6’, please press the number ‘4’. Thank you for your cooperation.” “Stupid annoying machine.” Adam swear and pressed ‘4’. “Sorry but the number ‘4’ is not working too please press the number ‘5’” “Good for nothing crap!” and again he pressed as he was told. “after pressing the number ‘5’, you must now pressed the number ‘8’. Thank you for your cooperation.” “Shit! What’s with this thing!” “correction! I’m not a thing I’m a machine, tx-600……..moron! Now to say that you are sorry, please press the number ‘9’” “I’ll show you who’s sorry!” ‘WHACK! SMACK!” Adam vandalized the machine. “To destroy me, you should step harder…..der…der..der.er.er.er..r..r..r….System terminated.” “Ha! Now you know who’s boss!” Adam shouted triumphantly.
Then he found out something unbelievable, something unexpected, something unthinkable! He’s at the wrong building! “Good God! This is not the F.B.I.s! it’s the Public Bank!” Screamed Adam. Later then did he found out that it’s opposite the bank and dashed into it! ‘BANG!’ he slammed himself at the glass door! At the surface of the door it says ‘PULL’ “Damn it!” and Adam went in without realizing that his nose was bleeding and being a little dizzy he doesn’t have a single idea where’s he going and suddenly appeared a wall and once again, “BANG!” and he fell through a door.
Meanwhile at the meeting room, “Welcome, the reason I asked you to come here is because I am going to retire and also to name you my successor, he’s to be the answer to our problems, he’s the greatest crime fighter ever live (they are going to be really disappointed!), he’s the one and only………..” The Chief Inspector said before he was interrupted when Adam broke the door and came in. “Holy mackerel! It’s Dracula!” shouted one of the officers. “Adam!?” “Ye….ye….yes?” Adam mumbled. “The Adam that we hired as our new Chief Inspector!?” the ex’ chief Inspector shouted. “Yo..Yo…You got th..th..that right!” Adam replied. “What happen to your nose!?” some one asked. “What!? You don’t like my nosekah! Want to fight!? DieLah you!! I call my mother then you know!” Adam said. “NO!!! It’s bleeding!” the reply. “O come on it can’t be true! You must be joking!” Adam said. “No! honest!” Then Adam touched his nose and looked at the mirror. “AAHHHHHH!!! I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding!! “I’m going to die! “I’m going to die!” He screamed in a high pitched voice like a girl but in a higher frequency and fainted. “So much for the answer to our problems!” an officer said.
Later an ambulance was called to take Adam away. If you asked me, I’ll say that he put on a very bad first impression on his job and this is not any job, it’s as the Chief Inspector of the F.B.I. He can forget about it!
When he got home, “My baby! What happened to you! Did you get a bubu?” Adam’s worried mother asked. “Yes, a very bad one.” “My poor son, let me see it, Damn! What happened to my baby!” His mother shouted. “I broke my nose. Am I going to die? I don’t want to die mum! No! Not now! I don’t want to die! No! No! No!...” and was interrupted by his mother “O shut the hell up! You’re not going to die!” “Okay.”
The next day, as usual “Adam! Adam! Yo! Wake up man!” His mother shouted. “Tamadek! Is this boy alright!?” “Snore….snore……” Adam was still sleeping. ‘Hello! Earth to Adam! Earth to Adam! Do you read me! I’m coming up!” his mother screamed. “why you stupid useless brat!” ‘SMACK!SMACK!” “Okay! Okay! I’m up!” shouted Adam and a few minutes later he went to work.
He arrived at work, his chief said, “Okay, for your first assignment, I’ll need you to go and catch this criminal (and showed him a pictured of him), he was last spotted taking a leak at a park.” “How did you know that?” Adam asked. “Oh, the lady he was peeing to told us.” “Holy crap!” shouted Adam. “Okay… where was I?” “The part when you say he was spotted.” said Adam. “O right, he was last spotted at the park. He’s very dangerous and sly. It’s your duty to catch this crook, Dead or Alive.” The Chief said. “what had he done wrong?” asked Adam. “Grand theft auto.” was the replied. And Adam went to carry out his mission.
He went to the park where the criminal was last sighted. “Okay! How am I going to catch this guy!? I must think like a criminal, act like a criminal, move like a criminal……I must be the criminal.” Just as soon as he finished talking to himself, he saw someone trying to break into a Ferrari (it’s the guy who Adam needs to catch) “Hey! You there!” shouted Adam. “Crap! Someone saw me…” mumbled the crook and he nervously reply, “M..m…..me?” “Yes! You! What are you doing!?” Shouted Adam. “Uh…..Uh…Uh….no…no…nothing…” said the crook. “I know what you’re up to!” “It’s not what you think! I don’t mean It! I had to do this to support me family and………” he was interrupted by Adam, “Lost your keys huh?” “Uhh.uhh…..Yes! I lost my keys!” said the crook while thinking (Phew! That was a close one! Damn he’s really dumb!) “Need a hand!?” asked Adam. “Yes please” the crook replied. “Stand aside!” Adam said and took out his gun,’BANG!BANG!BANG!’ he shot the window and open the door from inside. “There you go, Sorry for the damage.” Adam apologized. “That’s alright!” replied the crook and quickly drove away. “Someone’s in a hurry!” Said Adam to himself. “Anyway, Wow! My first good deed!” said Adam and went home.
The next day while he was having his breakfast, he took the newspaper and read it to see if his name was mentioned for his kind deed yesterday. The headline caught his attention, it reads ‘wanted criminal strikes again……..half million Ferrari stolen!’ “Hmmmmm…this is the guy who I am going to catch.” So he read on. “Yesterday a wanted criminal stole a Ferrari, red in color and it’s plate number is MG 2288 Q. “That number sounds familiar………….Ahhhh! that’s the guy who I help to break into the Ferrari!!! God Damn It!” shouted Adam. All that shouting scared the guts out of his mother that she dropped the all the plates she was carrying. “ADAM! YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!!!!! YOU COME HERE THIS INSTANCE!” Shriek Adam’s mother. “Crap! The monster is coming! Better run before she catches me!.........BYE MUM!” and off he go as quick as lightning.
At work, “Shit the crook has stolen another car!” his chief said. “Wh….Wh….what!?” Adam shouted in amazement as if he doesn’t know what happened. To be honest, he’s the main reason why this crook was able to steal the car. He even opened the door and waved goodbye to the crook while he was driving away! Man! What a jerk! “Never mind!” The Chief said. “A moment ago, we had information that this guy is going to the Ocean Avenue for a date with his girlfriend.” “How in the world did you know that!?” asked Adam. “Well………the girlfriend he was dating is working for us.” Explained the Chief. “Right on it sir!” Adam said and went to the Ocean Avenue.
30 minutes later he arrived. “Okay, no more mistake! Concentrate!” Adam motivated himself. Suddenly a pickpocket snatches his wallet. “Hey you! Give it back!” but do you think that he will stop? No! “Stop! Stop in the name of law!” Shouted Adam. “Fine you! I’m going to catch you and beat you up!” Adam ran and suddenly he saw a bicycle just in front of him. He took this golden opportunity and jump on top of it. As soon as his ass landed on the seat, be became stunned. Why? What happened!? You wondered. It’s because there’s no seat! Only a metal bar with the seat missing. It penetrated Adam’s asshole. “AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!” screamed Adam. It was the most unbearable pain he ever felt and seconds later, he fainted. The people there thought that Adam was just a maniac so they just left him there. (Poor guy!)
For 3 days Adam lie on the middle of the street with a metal bar in his ass. His colleagues got worried and formed a search party. They found him laying sub-conscious and quickly brought him to the hospital. In the hospital, he was rushed to the emergency wad and they cut the metal bar and used pliers to pull it out. Later that day he was released.
When he arrived home, his mother was so worry. He was ashamed of what just happened so he just said, “um…….I was stalking a crook.” “Okay! Next time tell me! I’m worried to death!” his mother said. “Okay! I’ll mum.”
The next day when he arrived at the police station, his Chief gave him a present that is a 2 days 1 night stay in Holiday Inn. Without hesitating he packed his bag and went to Holiday inn. What about his mother? Do you really think that an idiot like Adam would take his mother for a night at a luxurious hotel? Hell no! He can’t even remember her birthday date!
A limo came and brought Adam to the hotel. There he got a massage and took a swim. He had dinner at one of the well-known restaurants. There were crystal chandeliers, candles, a musical band…all those things that were found in a fancy restaurant. All that nice things made Adam stomachache and he went into the toilet. Halfway shitting, he heard a gun shot and quickly went out to see what happened. Outside there’s a huge man in a tuxedo stood on top of a table and took out his shotgun from his pocket. “This is a hold-up! Everybody put your hands up and no one will be hurt!” he shouted. Seeing this, Adam rushed out to his car and when he reached the door, something terrible happened! He couldn’t find his keys! Worse still! He lost his pants!!! How in the world could this happened!? Where would his pants be?! Well, that’s what happens when you are Adam! Okay back to the story, he thought for a moment, “Ah-ha!........I forgot to put my pants on while I was escaping! He went back to the hotel, look inside the window to see whether anyone can see him. When there’s no one there he dash into the toilet and search for his keys.
In the toilet, he found his pants but his keys were gone! He search again and found it! Where? In the toilet bowl among his pile of shit. He covered his nose and reached down to grab his keys. Unfortunately, he steps on something squishy and fell head first towards the pile of shit. “Holy Shit! I’m covered in shit!” he got covered in shit and became nervous. He tried to get up but he fell down again! ‘SPLAT!’ he was covered in shits again. He got so nervous that he pulled the flush ( It was a squat toilet.) and ‘WHOOSH!’ he got flushed into the toilet. This was no ordinary toilet! It has a 600 horse power motor! And he went to a place where no man has gone before or ever will! The magical world of shits.
And so ends the story of Adam, the F.B.I. Agent who chickened out in the time in need and got flushed into the toilet. How about the criminal, his mother, his job ? You say. Well, here’s my reply “ That’s not my problem! Is it not!” Thank you for reading my story, I repeat my story! Not yours, hers or his! It’s mine!

THE END