Life and a Clear Liquid

(A collection of the WEAKER moments in the annals of my life)

If you came here looking for snow white explanations of life, think again. This author thinks outside the box and believes all experiences teach us something. The following are my more...drunken experiences and IF I choose, their inevitable lessons! I don't apologize for my life but I do, on occasion, apologize for the wrongs I do to individuals or in some cases, farm animals. (Just kidding) I believe we do things for a reason and in my case, I drink sometimes to unwind. I don't ever get violent (well, hardly ever) but I have been known to speak my mind which on occasion DOES seem to get me in trouble! In any case, they are a part of me.

My family owned three bars at different times, so growing up was often seen from the floor looking up at glasses being passed from one individual to another. These were commonly after work bars so at an early age I began to hear why as an adult, I would become so antisocial towards my bosses and managers at jobs thru out my life! My first experience was a full bottle of wine and a leap from my dresser to the bed in my room, where I quickly passed out listening to my indignant step dad's explanations of how I wouldn't amount to anything! Little did I know he was psychic.

The earliest memorable experience I remember was about the time I turned 18. Lets call it:

The Keystone Cops Incident

I was 18 and soon to enter the army. Actually, I already had but was awaiting orders for basic. I had a job at a small arcade known as "The Hole In The Wall". It had pool tables, Foosball and several pin ball machines! But more importantly, it sold beer and had many teachers in the fine art of drinking it.

I was off work that night and some friends stopped by to entice me out of my dismal existence which means getting over my last love affair. Ah love. It has been one of the best excuses I've had to pop the top of numerous bottles and cans! In any case, we left for the arcade with the promise of a new tomorrow in our eyes and about three valium's in our lips! That's called Head Start! It was customary in those days to spike ones night and since I was going away soon, my friends had planned an exceptional night!

Upon arriving, we bought a pitcher of beer, then another and perhaps another before we drank the next seven or eight. We toasted my demise in the army, my last girlfriend who all agreed I was better off without and the numerous other toasts one uses to rationalize the next beer!

It was about that time, she showed up. Now had she NOT shown up, I'm sure I would have remained inside crying in my beer! In any case, I left the bar, in a completely drunken/Valiumed state for the solitude of the front wall of the building. I had told my buddies, I was going to the bathroom who had not noticed her entering to save face. So there I was: Supporting the front wall of the building as if it would have fallen my way without the support I furnished it.

This bar/arcade was located in a square of sorts with several other bars and places of business and since it was quite often visited by the young, walking police escorts patrolled the area! I, of course, was minding my own business when they approached! That basically means I was watching the girls go by but other than that, I was offering no hindrance to traffic or anything of the sorts! In fact I was probably most entertaining and I'm sure the girls that passed by hearing my cat calls and other lurid comments left feeling a sense of debauchery! Actually I wasn't that bad. My only recollection was supporting the wall.

About that time, two cops approached me asking for ID. I quickly passed them my driver's license and they began asking me all sorts of questions! 'What's your name' was the one that hit me wrong! I mean after all, the guy had my license in his hand. Was it a trick question I mused? Perhaps in my state, multiple choice would have been in order. I quickly responded but it seems I answered the question wrong. "Look at my license, dumb ass" was not the proper answer they sought! (Ok so I have a short temper when it comes to authority) The cops both looked at me dumb founded. Maybe I should have given them multiple answers to digest. In any case, I saw one reaching for his cuffs and the other making threatening moves towards me. I remember thinking I shouldn't have said that and cursed the last beer but I was perfectly willing to go to jail quietly and suffer for my transgressions. Everything moved so much in slow motion about that time that I can still recall the next time frame piece by piece as if it were a stop action/ slo mo from a super bowl game! I offered them my left hand and was getting ready to go to the jail house when someone else stepped in. Over my right shoulder I saw a fist moving in frames towards the policeman on my right. My eyes followed the hand up the arm and I suddenly noticed this hand was attached to my right shoulder and acting independently on its own. I was shocked and I glanced back down in reverse direction to my hand to watch it slowly miss the cop. I looked at his face and as if it were all on tape at a lower speed, he replied "Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" in a long drawn out sequence. I watched in horror as the two clubs emerged from the holsters on their hips and began moving in quick time glancing off my skull several times. I really don't think I felt a damn thing! They then wrestled me to the ground and placed me in their nifty little cuffs. A crowd had gathered and while they were yanking me to my feet, the owner of the club I worked at appeared.

His name was Bear or as much as I knew of it. In any case he explained my dilemma. I had to hear the whole sordid sad details of my lost love again and how I was leaving for the Army soon, perhaps to Vietnam. It was in its waining moments but I think that made them soften a little. In any case they released me to his care whereby he dragged me back inside, placed me with my friends who took care of me the rest of the night! That mostly involved telling me to forget about her and frequent car stops near trees in parks!

Some how I made it home and lived. They say the good lord looks after fools and drunks! I was doubly covered. Now as for the moral of this story.

If I had to put one on it, Its "think before you answer"! I didn't learn a damn thing about drinking but I did learn to take my time and answer more slowly when I'm drinking. First impressions aren't always the best things to utter in a drunken stupor!