Introduction to the Story of My Life

OK before you can read the stories of my life you have to meet the people of my life. Let me introduce you: Sane person, this is my family. Family: Sane person. I'm glad you guys could meet.

I have two sisters and a brother named Dani, Franki, and Zack.

...They’re freaks already. They haven’t even done anything yet, and they’re freaks already.
If you are normal, and need help distinguishing their genders, Franki and Dani are girls, and Zack is the only sibling whose name is appropriately male. He is the youngest (5 yrs), next to Frank (9 yrs). Dan the Man is the third oldest (13), then comes me (16). Dan the Man hates it when I call her that, but oh well. She must live with it, as I must live with her. When life gives you lemons, make amusing nicknames.
We have a fluffy golden retriever puppy named Tex. He likes playing outside in the rain, tackling Zachary, and rolling in dead things. He is the reason I have little or no friends who like to visit my house.
We have two cats, Atticus and Chicken. Their names suit their personality perfectly. Atticus is a huge, gray, fat-cat who thinks he is superior to all mankind. He’s more like a small panther than a cat. I call him Fatticus. God, you should see him try to get through the cat-door. It’s like trying to squeeze jello through a tube. That’s what poor old Fatticus must go though every time he has to take a trip to the litter box. It’s hilarious to watch...his huge, squishy body just squeezing with all the effort he has into this little hole.
...CHICKEN THE CAT, on the other hand, is a bony, mangy creature-monkey that we found somewhere in the woods last year at a Halloween party. We don’t know what it is, whether it’s a boy or girl, so we call it Chicken. I think Chicken’s slowly going insane in our house (that makes two of us), because it zooms frantically around the rooms and down the halls like it’s being chased by the Headless Horseman or something. Or, like a Chicken with it’s head cut off. Ba-dun chiiing.

But, enough about the animals of my house. Let’s meet the parents.
Father’s name is Roy Edward Hall the Third. We call him JR the Jelly Jar. He works very hard at his job (since our whole family depends on his income), and for months at a time he works night shift. So, during the day, he sleeps on the Big Green Comfy Couch in the living room. Oftentimes, I would introduce my visiting friends (the ones who were brave enough to visit, anyway), to a huge, snoring man in a Steelers sweater and sweatpants, sprawled out all over the couch, one pant leg rolled up to the knee, hairy beer gut unpleasantly exposed, head pressed down on the floor, drooling. That’s my dad.
Ma is a stay-at-home mom who plans to stay at home until all of her four children go-to-school. Until then, she amuses herself by keeping an online journal that records all of the events that go on around here. If you care to see her point of view when these ridiculous things happen in our house, go to diaryland.com and her username is mom-on-roof.

Ok, that’s enough introduction for me. I think you’re safe to go on now. So go on, sit back and laugh at my life. Just remember, YOU’RE not the one who has a sibling nagging at you, a crazy chicken-monkey stampeding you, or a large drooling boofus dog barking at you when you’re trying to have fun on the computer!!!