HOW TO SURVIVE A BLIND DATE

Since I am a single woman in my twenties, people are constantly trying to set me up with their “cute” friend, “hot” cousin, or “gorgeous hunk” of a co-worker. “I am perfectly happy being single!” I tell them. They just don’t get it. They treat me like I have a disease and they are the ones with the cure. They beg me to go and meet so-and-so. “Hell no!”I yell. I know they mean well, but I’m just not into blind dates. They act insulted when I turn down their offer, and I, being the nice person I am, end up feeling like a bitch. So, I half-heartedly accept a date with David, Matt, or whoever it is they desperately want me to meet. I have been on enough blind dates to know that they usually end up with me wanting to shoot myself in order to end the misery. However, hopeless romantic that I am, as much as I despise these dates, part of me holds a glimmer of hope that the next man I meet will be “the one.” Through the last few years, I have become a professional on how to survive a blind date.


RULE #1: HAVE THE GUY CALL YOU BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY MEET.

“Stacey, before I tell you this, you have to promise that you will not get mad,” my best friend Jamie says to me. I know the moment I hear this that she has once again done something that in one way or another will seriously piss me off. I prepare myself by sitting down on my bed.
“I have heard that before, Jamie, and its not ever good! Just tell me whatever it is…”
“You have to promise first though,” Jamie’s eyes are getting wide and I want to shake the information out of her.
“Yeah, yeah, I promise I won’t get mad!” I tell her, not entirely sure I believe myself.
“Well, you know Jason right?” she asks.
“Jason? Well, no. I don’t believe I know any Jasons.”
“Jason, you know the guy I have talked about a hundred times. He has such a great sense of humor. I swear, when we are at work, he is always making me laugh.”
“Okay, what about this guy?” I ask, becoming increasingly suspicious of her intentions.
“Well, I told him about you.” Jamie looks at me, and flashes me a wide grin. I want to punch her in the teeth.
“Jamie, no.” I say, knowing the inevitable question that is about to come out of her mouth.
“He said you sounded hot!”
“I don’t care how hot he thinks I sound,” I feel my anger coming to a boiling point.
“He is such a nice guy, Stacie. If you meet him I just know you two will hit it off,” Jamie says to me as if her life depends on me meeting Jason. At that moment I decide to throw caution to the wind- after all it is just one date.
“Okay,” I say hoping I won’t have to regret my decision.
“Okay, so you’ll meet him?” Jamie asks. Her smile is getting bigger by the second.
“Yes. I guess that’s the least I can do,” I tell her.
“Good, cause I kind of already told him you’d go out with him this Friday.”
“You kind of told him?” I ask, throwing up my hands in the air to make sure she knows I am pissed off. “How could you do that without asking me first?”
“I figured, you know, being single and all that you could use a date to break the monotony you’ve been in lately.”
“How did you know I would even agree?” By this point I think I am about to start foaming at the mouth.
“Oh come on now, don’t be mad…..Oh, I know! Lets go look in your closet and find a hot little outfit for your date,” Jamie says as she walks to my closet and begins to pull out several tops that leave little to the imagination.
“So, do you happen to have Jason’s number?” I ask as I get up and go to my overflowing shoe rack.
“No, but I will be seeing him later tonight at work, “she tells me. “You want me to get his number for you?”
“No.” By now my anger has gone down to room temperature. Jamie’s gives me a clear look of disappointment.
“I think it would be better if he calls me, I don’t like being the forward one. That’s the guy’s job, I like to be pursued.”
Jamie immediately perks up and starts to giggle with schoolgirl excitement. “You are so old-fashioned, not wanting to call him!” she laughs.
“Its not that I’m old-fashioned. Its just that I want a guy that has the balls to call me first. If he doesn’t, it means he’s still a little boy. You know how sick I am of dating little boys!” I tell her, trying to make a point. “Besides, this will give me a chance to get to know him and if we go out, it’s go more smoothly.”
“True,” Jamie agrees.
“Yeah and if he’s hot, I will actually go through with the date.” I say to her while picking up a pair of bright red stilettos and putting them back down in exchange for black ones.
“What do you mean ‘if he’s hot?’” Jamie’s smile fades and it is replaced with a look of confusion.
“Honey, when you’ve been on enough blind dates as I have, you learn a few tricks.” I tell her.
“And what tricks might those be?” Jamie asks, curiosity filling her eyes.
“If he sounds sexy on the phone, he is more than likely not.” I explain to her.
“How do you figure that?” Jamie asks as she raises her eyebrows.
“It’s God’s way of making up for his less than mediocre looks. This way I know to be prepared when I meet him face to face and not be too disappointed when I see that he is not Brad Pitt’s long lost twin.”
“Well,” Jamie says, “I can tell you right now for sure that Jason is definitely not Brad Pitt’s twin, but if he was I would already be dating him!”
I laugh, despite knowing that Jason can’t be too hot if Stacey hasn’t already hit on him.
“Stacey, not to be mean or anything, but isn’t that kind of shallow?” Jamie asks.

“Shallow? Hell no it’s not shallow! Not when you’ve been on a million and one blind dates and you can’t stand one more nerdy looking guy.” I explain to her, trying to arise some sympathy for my situation.
“Point taken,” Jamie says nodding in agreement. “So, what if he doesn’t sound cute?”
I smile; Jamie seems to be catching on. “Then I can almost be certain without a doubt that he will be a total hottie….And if that’s the case, I will ask him a lot of questions. But then, if he can’t stop talking about himself and doesn’t ask me questions, it a big hint that he will be entirely too conceited. Like, remember that guy that was absolutely gorgeous but he just had a really big head?
“Yeah, I do. What about him?” Jamie asks.
“He couldn’t shut up about the one time someone mistook him for Orlando Bloom.” I tell her.
“Interesting concept you have going there.” Jamie says.


Unfortunately, the date with Jason never ends up happening. But before I even have the chance to breath a sigh of relief, I am set up on yet another blind date.
RULE #2: ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN B.
Shawn picks me up at my place and when I open the door, I’m delighted to see he is adorable. He is dressed casually but not sloppy in a pair of nice jeans; I’m just excited that they aren’t hanging off his hips and all torn up. His button up shirt is green and it brings out the color of his amazing eyes. And, it’s tucked in! Something I didn’t realize guys knew how to do. I myself am looking pretty hot in a revealing black shirt with a plunging neckline- and I notice that Shawn already seems to appreciate it. I opted against wearing the mini skirt I was going to wear and instead chose a trendy pair of hip hugger jeans. I make a mental note to be careful when sitting down- I don’t want to flash anyone butt cleavage, nobody wants to see that.
“So,” Shawn says, not making a point to be subtle as he stares at my cleavage, “Are you, uh ready to go?”
“Ready if you are,” I say, “Oh, and by the way, my eyes are up here, and not here.” I tell him, pointing to my chest.
“I’m sorry, its just that..I couldn’t help but notice.” Shawn says, sounding embarrassed. Like I wouldn’t notice he was staring at my boobs.
“You don’t have to be apologetic, just look at my eyes, and not my chest when you’re speaking to me.” At this point I am starting to think this date is a mistake.
“What are you hungry for?” Shawn asks. I am not sure what I’m hungry for, but I sure know what he wants.
“Whatever sounds good to you,” I say to him, “Nothing too fancy, somewhere casual and fun?”
“Sounds great to me.” Shawn grabs my hand and leads me out the door.
I automatically perk up when I see that he drives a Ford Lightning. There’s nothing hotter than a hot guy who drives a hot truck. Inside, I sink into its plush suede seats; I run my hands on it and take in the smell of it.
“It’s new, isn’t it?” I say with a smile.
“Yeah, I just got it two weeks ago. Pretty cool huh?” Shawn says.
Cool? Not so much, I want to say to him. More like a freakin’ turn on. I contemplate pulling him into a kiss.
“Yeah, it’s pretty nice.” I say, trying not too sound too impressed.
We decide to go to Chile’s for burgers. As we walk inside, he holds me close to him with his arm around my waist. I am starting to think that this date isn’t going too bad after all. The hostess leads us to a booth and as we sit there waiting on the server, he does it again, only this time he doesn’t glare at my breasts, he tries to make it less obvious by sneaking in little peeks. There’s nothing worse than a boob guy; the type that treat your breasts as if they were living pieces of art, ogling them and unable to control their urge to touch them. I remember reading in Glamour that men’s obsession with our chest stems from the fact that the bigger they are, the more nurture they provide. What a bunch of bull shit! The real truth is that the bigger they are, the more guys want to stare at them; simply put, men are just pigs.
The waitress arrives with menus and apparently Shawn’s obsession with breasts isn’t contained with just mine.
“Hi, my name is Mandi and I will be your server tonight,” she says in the most high pitched voice I have ever heard in my life. Her hair is platinum blonde and pulled back in a messy bun. She is wearing so much makeup, she looks like a hooker. Apparently though, Shawn seems to like hookers because he can’t stop staring at her with fascination. Perhaps I should have piled on the makeup? Maybe that would have gotten his attention, more so than my skimpy top.
“Can I start you off with a drink?” Hooker asks, keeping her heavily lined eyes on Shawn and avoiding eye contact with me.
“Yeah, I’ll take a beer.” Shawn tells her.
“And what kind of beer would you like, honey?” Hooker asks.
“Whatever you think tastes the best.” Shawn answers. By now, I feel completely invisible and want nothing more than to slap Hooker and tell her to go away. But really, I am more upset with Shawn than anyone. Why can’t he take his eyes of her? I can feel my slut radar going into overdrive.
“I’ll give you the best we’ve got.” Hooker replies. Ha! I am sure she wants to give him the best she’s got. “And you m’am ?” she asks. There is nothing I hate more than being called m’am. It makes me feel like my mother.
“Uh, I will have what he’s having.” I tell her.
“Alight then, two beers coming right up. Can I start you guys of with an appetizer?” asks Hooker.
“Would you like an appetizer, Stacie?” Shawn looks at me for the first time since Hooker showed up. I’m surprised he remembers my name.
“No, I’m really not that hungry.” I say.
“Nope, no appetizer, Mandi.” Shawn says to Hooker. He looks directly into her eyes this time.
“I will be right back with your beers.” Hooker says while flashing Shawn her pearly whites. As she walks away from our booth, I notice him staring at her ass. I’m not at all shocked by his behavior; why is it always the gorgeous ones that act this way? I decide that this date needs to end and the quicker the better.
“I’ll be right back, got to go to the ladies room.” I say. As soon as I am inside the bathroom, I whip out my cell.
“Jamie, it’s me. I need you to do me a favor.”
As soon as I finish explaining to Jamie what an asshole Shawn has been, I tell her to meet me outside the restaurant in ten minutes. I walk over to the mirror and stare at my reflection. My makeup looks perfectly applied, my lips a lovely shade of pink, and my hair has never looked better. Yet, Shawn would rather look at a hooker than me. I run the water and splash some on my face, letting the mascara run a little down my face. I go inside a stall and sit. I put my face in my hands and wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t even keep a guy’s attention. After several minutes of contemplating this, I decide to go back to Shawn before he wonders if I have fallen into the toilet. As I walk out, I start to clutch my stomach, and get ready for an Oscar winning performance.
“Stacey, are you okay! You look…”
“Terrible? Oh, I know. It just hit me all of a sudden.” I tell him and I manage to squeeze out a few tears.
“Is there anything I can do? I can take you home.” Shawn asks with the hint of annoyance in his voice.
“No, no…I must have that stupid stomach flu my mom had. I had to take care of her for three days, she was so sick going back and forth from the bathroom with the worst case of diarrhea.” I say, knowing very well this is not conjuring up a pretty picture in his mind. “I already called a cab and it should be here any minute, I don’t want to get you sick.”
“Okay, well I can walk you out at least,” Shawn offers. He can’t sound any less sincere.
“No, really. It’s best you stay away. Sorry for ruining our date, maybe you can go out with Mandi instead.” The second the words came out of my mouth, I jolt before I could even get a reaction from him. As usual, Jamie is nice enough to rescue me.
“So,” Jamie says, “He was being an ass, huh?”
“You have no idea.” I say as I climb into the car.

RULE #3: MAKE IT A GROUP DATE

I would think that by now I could do a blind date without getting nervous, but this time my stomach is in knots and I am not even sure why. Miguel sounded like a pretty interesting guy over the phone and we actually have a lot in common; which is probably why I’m feeling like a ball of nerves. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking about “the one.” And maybe, just maybe, the next guy that comes along will be the one who sweeps me off my feet.
I decide to call Jamie; she always knows just the thing to say to make me feel better.
“Hello,” Jamie answers in a sleepy voice.
“Jamie, you have to help me! Did I wake you? What are you doing asleep in the middle of the day anyway?” I ask.
“I was taking a little nap.”
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.” I apologize.
“It’s all good. What’s up though? Whatcha need help with?”
“I don’t think I can go through with this date, for the first time in a long time I might be too nervous to handle it,” I explain.
“You? Nervous?”
“Yeah, yeah. I know, it’s rare but it does happen.”
“What are you and Miguel doing for your date anyways?” Jamie asks.
“We are planning to go to the Bricktown Canal. He heard its pretty fun and he said it would be romantic. I don’t know if I can do romantic, Jamie. I mean, it’s our first date and we haven’t even met yet! What am I going to do?” I ask.
“The first thing you can do is calm down,” she says, “it’s going to be just fine.”
“But I’m scared, what if we meet and aren’t attracted to each other? Then we will just sit in the canal and stare at each other wishing we had never agreed to go on a stupid date.”
Jamie lets out a throaty laugh. “It’s not funny, help!” I plead.
“I have an idea. Tell me is this sounds good. Okay, you two can go downtown and wait at the canal and I will just so happen to be there with some friends, then I ask if you two want to join us and you will say yes and problem solved.”
“Jamie?” I ask.
“Yup?”
“What would I do without you?”
“Oh, I don’t know. You would be a nervous wreck.” Jamie says.
“Ain’t that the truth!” I say, relieved to know that once again Jamie will be there to rescue me.
I am downtown with Miguel and he has hardly said two words to me. I start to think he may not be attracted to me at all, which actually wouldn’t be such a bad thing because he is cute, but not that cute and he is definitely not much of a conversationalist.
“So,” I say to him, “Are you having fun?”
“Yeah, its okay.” Miguel answers and he doesn’t bother making eye contact with me. I begin to wonder if I have a booger hanging out of my nose. I’m not sure exactly where Jamie is yet but I pray to God she shows up quickly and saves me once again. Not any sooner as I think that, she shows up. I thank God silently for answering my prayers promptly. I guess even God knows an emergency when he sees one.
“Jamie!” I say, trying to sound like I wasn’t expecting to run into her.
“Hey what up!” Jamie says, she has about three of our friends with her. They all give me sympathetic looks. I guess Jamie filled them in on my predicament.
“Girls,” I say, “This is Miguel.” He smiles and gives a small wave, not even bothering to say hi.
“Why don’t you two join us?” Jamie asks.
“Sure.” I answer, perhaps a little too anxiously. Miguel doesn’t seem too mind too much. “What do you all want to do?”
“Why don’t we go see a movie or something?” Jamie asks.
“Is that okay with you?” I turn and ask Miguel, who by now has said maybe a total of ten words total all evening.
“Fine with me.” He answers.
“Lets take a bathroom break first though, okay girls?” I ask. “Miguel, stay right here and we will be right back.”
As soon as we are about fifty yards from Miguel I turn to the girls, “Lets ditch him. I can’t take it anymore!”
“Sounds like a plan,” Jamie says with a smirk.

RULE #4: HAVE HIM MEET YOU IN A PUBLIC PLACE BEFORE YOU START THE DATE.
Another week, another date. I think to myself as I am getting ready. A co-worker set me up on this one and if it goes bad at all, she will hear about it. I decide to wear something casual. It’s rainy and cool outside despite it being spring, so I put on a simple button up shirt in my favorite color- pink. I pair it with faded blue jeans and black boots that scream party girl. My makeup is understated. I am done with impressing guys. If they like me, they are going to like me for me and not what I look like on the outside.
I wanted to meet Shane before our date, that way I can get a good look at him and decide if he is even date worthy. I told him to meet me outside of Wal-Mart. I wanted it to be in a very public place and you can’t get any more public than a Wal-Mart. Also, it is near a lot of restaurants and a move theatre.
I drive into the parking lot and wait. He is supposed to text message me when he gets here. I look at my watch, I’m ten minutes late and he hasn’t even texted me yet. This is not a good sign. What if he changed his mind? Beep, yes! I finally get text message.
It reads: I am here. Do you see me? I see you and you are beautiful! OH GEEZ. How corny. I see him in the distance; in his puke green truck I can’t miss him. I hop out of my car, and begin to walk to his truck. The closer I get, the more I see why he was so desperate to go out with me- or anyone for that matter. It’s not that he is ugly necessarily. Just kind of drab looking. Not to mention it looks like he still hasn’t outgrown the acne stage most guys his age have already long overcome. His hair is a dull light brown color; his beady eyes make him look somewhat like a criminal. He gets out of his truck and extends his hand out.
“Well, uh. I’m Shane and it’s such a wonderful pleasure to finally meet you,” he says. Out of politeness, I shake his hand and I can’t but notice that he has a rather large wart on it.
“Nice to meet you too?” I say, not meaning it to come out sounding more like a question. I know right there at that moment, I can’t possibly go on an actual date with him; if I did it could mean death by blind date
“Let’s go grab a bite to eat, shall we?” Shane asks.
“Sure.” I say to him not sounding at all enthusiastic. “I know, why don’t we go to Henry Hudson’s?”
“That sounds good. I don’t know where it is so you’ll have to tell me.”
“No prob,” I say. “Just follow me.” I head back to my car, grateful that I drive a sports car. It’s the only thing that will save me from having to go on this date.
I start to drive like I have a bad case of road rage, swerving in and out of traffic, knowing that no way in hell Shane will be able to keep up with me. My phone rings and it’s him. Probably wondering what on earth I am on. Of course I don’t answer it. If that’s not a big hint for him, I don’t know what is. I continue to drive like a maniac for several more minutes until I am certain without a doubt that I have gotten away from Shane. As an extra precaution, I go to Jamie’s house. If there is any chance Shane has kept up with me, I definitely don’t want him to know where I live. If that’s the case, he would surely send me hate mail.
RULE #5: ALCOHOL. ENOUGH SAID.
I vow to make this my last blind date ever. There comes a point when enough is enough. My friend’s so-called “hot” cousin is meeting me at Bennigan’s. I don’t plan on putting much thought into what I’m wearing; actually, I couldn’t care less. I don’t bother straightening my hair like normally I do before a date. Instead- I let it do the crazy, curly, frizz thing it does and pull it back in a ponytail. Makeup? Forget it, its just lip-gloss from here on out. I throw on jeans and an old t-shirt I’ve had since my freshman year of high school, slip into flip-flops I only wear to wash my car and I’m out the door in less than five minutes.
When I arrive at the restaurant, Jared is waiting outside for me. He is dressed in a suit complete with a bow-tie, holding in his hand single long stemmed rose. I suddenly feel underdressed. I can’t believe I am going to be stuck with this guy for an entire evening. I consider telling him immediately that I am sick, but since this is possibly the last blind date I will ever go on, I decide to tough it out instead.
“You must be Stacey, my cousin has told me a lot about you. She’s right, you are a beauty.” He hands me the rose and I give him a polite smile.
“Nice to meet you.” I say, silently hoping the earth below me would open up and swallow me whole.
I suggest a table in the back of the restaurant to the hostess, I don’t want anyone I know seeing me with this guy, especially when he’s dressed in such cheesy attire.
As soon as we sit down, Jared starts in a ridiculous story that I’m sure he thinks sounds intriguing.
“Check this out, it’s the last day of band camp and all of our parents are there for our farewell concert. We are supposed to play Mozart’s Piano Concerto No.27 and instead we start rapping to oh wait till you hear this…M.C. Hammer’s Can’t Touch This.” He bursts out is laughter, but it sounds more like snorting. “You should have seen the instructor’s face! He sure was mortified, not to mention embarrassed.”
I manage to let out a fake sounding laugh. I suddenly realize that if I have any hope of surviving this, I must get alcohol in my system. Maybe it will help make his ramblings about band camp more interesting. I get the waiter’s attention.
“Can I get you something?” Waiter guy asks.
“Yes, a margarita and make it strong. Oh, and keep them coming.” I tell him.
He nods and before I know it I have a margarita in my hand.
“And another time we put worms in our counselor’s bed. Boy was he smoking…we found out he screams like a girl though, so it was worth it….”
I poke at my salad, it’s more interesting than his story. The margarita slowly enters my bloodstream, and as it does Jared’s never ending story begins to sound somewhat funny.
“They made the grossest chili dogs I have ever had in my life…Boy, I blew chunks for hours…”
I start in on my second margarita and by now I’m feeling pretty damn good. I look up at Jared, and he is till talking about camp. I read in Cosmopolitan that alcohol causes what’s known as the Beer Goggle Effect- making people 20% more attractive. I hurriedly finish my second margarita, hoping that this information is true.
I’m done with my second margarita and my third one is on the way. Unfortunately, I still don’t find Jared at all attractive but his stories are no where near as annoying as they were before I started drinking. Either way, I’m too inebriated to care at this point.


I awaken to the sun shining in through my window. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach hits me like a ton of bricks. Slowly I recollect the sequence of events that brought me to this misery. Jared. The margaritas. Being too damn drunk to walk out of the restaurant unattended, let alone drive home. I barely make it to the bathroom before I get sick.
Afterwards, I climb back into bed and bury my face in the pillow, pulling the down comforter up over my head. The phone rings and I can’t think of a time it’s ever sounded so freakin’ loud. I answer it, wanting to kill the person on the other side of the of the line- or at least hurt them badly.
“Stacey? Are you okay?” Jamie asks in a voice that sounds a hundred times louder than normal. I let out what sounds like a whimper.
“You are okay, right?” she asks, sounding concerned.
“Yes,” I manage to blurt out.
“Good, I was so worried about you, I’ve never seen you so smashed.
“Yeah, I was trying to make Jared more entertaining,” I admit.
“Did it work?” Jamie asks.
“I don’t exactly remember,” I say. Jamie apparently finds humor in this.
“I guess you’ll never know then” Jamie manages to say through her giggles.
“I do know one thing though.” I tell her.
“Yeah, what’s that?” Jamie asks.
“No more blinds.”