Broken Bonds

Broken Bonds

The room was empty, except for the recliner in the far corner. The chair had certainly seen better days, with its foam peeking out through various tears in the black vinyl. Marie looked around, taking in her bleak surroundings. "Even the hospital treats us as the shame of the community," she thought grimly. The walls were that detached sanitary white that hospitals were so popular for. The linoleum floor was so cold Marie felt it through her hospital slippers when she put her feet on it. The stitches from the episiotomy were very bothersome, as the nurse assisted her in transferring from the wheelchair to the recliner. “Thank you Nurse Ferguson”, Marie muttered under her breath; she wanted to call her Nurse Hatchet because she was so cold and detached.

Marie Bastible was in a special ward at The Baptist Memorial Hospital in San Antonio, Texas. There were several maternity homes in San Antonio; the majority of them used this hospital, and this wing was set up exclusively for their use. Marie had spent the last five months at The Buckner Baptist Benevolence Home preparing for the birth and ultimate relinquishment of her child.

At two o’clock yesterday morning her waters had broken, and she had been brought to the hospital. She was 20 years old, and she was frightened for she had been in labor for 12 hours. Marie recalled waking up intermittently throughout the labor. She could remember asking the nurse not to give her more drugs – she had wanted to be awake and she was afraid the drugs would hurt the baby. The nurse had only patted her on the arm, while giving her another shot of Demerol cocktail. "It’s for the best dear, the less you remember…” she said. Marie hadn't heard the rest because she was out again.

The next time Marie woke up she had given birth and the baby was crying, she fought to raise her head only to see the doctor, Dr. Garrett, hand her child to a nurse and say “It’s a girl” to anyone in general, but not to Marie. She tried to reach for the baby only to find that she was strapped down. Marie tried desperately to shout “let me hold my child” but the words got all tangled up in her mouth and she managed to only make a grunting sound. A nurse had heard the noise and patted Marie on the head with a “shush, it’s all over now”. Marie couldn’t understand why no one could hear her words. She told Dr. Garrett before the birth she wanted to hold her child.

Marie thought the doctor had understood her request, though she hadn’t spoken to him at length. He was very unapproachable. He made no effort to get to know the girls, in-fact he seemed to go out of his way to convey his detachment. He believed that the mother should be as detached as possible. He was already upset with how Marie had insisted on handling her pregnancy. She had rubbed her ever growing tummy and spoke to her baby constantly. Reading aloud and singing. He was concerned she was bonding with the baby.

Dr. Garrett was somewhere in his mid 50’s with pure white hair, which made him look more like mid-60. He carried an extra 75 pounds and most of it was around his middle, but with his six foot frame he carried it well. The best Marie could gather Dr. Garrett had been with the maternity home and placement agency for about 25 years. He came in the home once a month to meet the new girls and have an “open session” with all the residents.

At each meeting he regurgitated the same philosophy. He would tell the girls how soon they would be able to forget this time and return to their lives. Each time Marie would be troubled for days thinking “Did he truly expect women to forget that they had given birth? … forget we had carried a life within our beings, sharing every moment, for nine months? Forget that as our dreams are shattered we fulfill someone else’s?”

He also would reiterate his belief that “the birthmother should not partake in any of the decision making or have any contact with the child at all. This only serves to complicate the separation when it is time to relinquish the child and makes healing for the mother so much harder.” But Marie thought that his detachment was more damaging to the situation than involvement in the pregnancy. She believed a lot of personality was developed in the womb. If the child was unwanted or unloved they felt it their entire life and would struggle with self esteem. In the same respect if the child was loved in the womb they would be confident and feel it all their life too.

Nurse Lewis entered the room with the glass basinet on a special rolling cart. Marie started to rise only to find that her stitches pulled. As Nurse Lewis, reached in the bassinet for the baby she told Marie to sit back down before she tore her stitches. She cooed at the baby as she lifted her out of the bassinet and as she handed her to Marie she spoke directly to her, “I will give you as much time as possible. So you try to fit a lifetime into this one visit. I’ll try to keep nurse Hatchet busy” they both broke out laughing. Then she continued “I want to let you know I admire you, what you are doing takes a lot of strength.” with a smile she took her leave.

Marie was now alone with a pink little bundle in her arms. At first all she could do was stare at her. She was surprised at the instinctive desire to count fingers and toes. Marie slowly started to unwrap the baby, discovering that her skin was so soft and she had the longest fingers and toes. “I want to memorize every inch of you, Elizabeth Dian, this is the name I will know you by in my heart, I name you after two special women, who have shared their faith and their strength when I had none” she said as she raised the footrest on the recliner to give her better balance.

Marie looked around the room. There isn’t much to look at she thought and she took note that the floor obviously had not been waxed for awhile all the sheen was worn off, and the lighting was dim because four of the six fluorescent ceiling lights were out. “I’m sorry Elizabeth that we have to meet in a place like this, where we obviously are a shame to society, I promise you if we ever meet again it will be in beautiful surroundings.” Marie blinked back a threatening tear; her heart was beating so hard it seemed like a jungle dance in her chest. “Now, let’s have our little visit”
“I don’t know how long we’ll have; it depends how long Nurse Lewis can keep Nurse ‘Hatchet’ distracted”

Marie sighed as she started to reach into her heart to tell this precious bundle how much she loved her. The baby was now sitting in her lap with her head supported in Marie’s small hands; with mother and child looking directly into each others eyes. “There is so much I want to say to you, but mostly I want you to know I love you. There are many different reasons women do this and rarely are they selfish. I hope that your new mom and dad teach you that. I will pray for you every day of my life. I will pray that you will be safe and protected. That your new mom and dad have the wisdom they need to raise and guide you. I pray that you will always feel their love. You’re a Bastible and I hope and pray that you have inherited our strength, stubbornness and independence. It’s the only thing I can give you.”

Looking at the seemingly perfect child Marie found it difficult to imagine letting someone else take this child home. “For nine months I have shared space with this being we shared my very breathe. I carried her in my womb I will now forever carry her in my heart. How can something so precious and so innocent reap such pain and such joy in the same breath? You are so small, so innocent, beautifully unformed – a piece of clay waiting to be molded. What an awesome responsibility. What an amazing task. But I must trust others to do this. To love you, guide you and protect you.”

Her pain was becoming heavy. Not the physical pain that comes naturally with childbirth but the grief that comes when you lose a part of yourself. The anguish that threatens to steal one’s very soul. The pain that Marie knew would torment her for the remainder of her life. Marie cradled Elizabeth close and spoke with a weariness of one that has just survived a natural disaster. “There is so much I want to tell you, but what I feel deep in my heart there are no words in which to express. I have so little time, how do I say I love you when words just are not adequate? How do I give you a lifetime of advice in a few minutes?

A part of me wants you to come looking for me when you come of age, but I’m not sure how much longer your momma’s gonna be in this world. I wish I could keep you and I hope that someday you understand how selfish it would be of me to do so.

Being with me right now wouldn’t be safe. I think I’ve gotten away from your father, but he has caught up with me before. I don’t know how much longer I want to hang around. My life is a dangerous place to be right now and I am not the most stable of persons. I hope my struggles have not been passed on to you. It’s real tough to fight for your own freedom when you have a battle within too.”

Marie was usually a very articulate person but she was having difficulty finding the right words. She felt as if her entire being was about to implode and there was nothing she could do to stop it. “I feel such a loneliness with you no longer under my breast. The bond may have been broken on the physical level but not in my heart. At the same time I feel joy looking upon your face.

Marie’s hormones were flying and she felt the ecstasy of motherhood. She held her child in her arms, pulling her close to her bosom and humming; allowing the future to disappear momentarily, as she drank from the joy and enchantment. As she spoke she spoke with the soft sweetness that only a mother can speak. “I want to thank you little one. Before you were ever born you were touching lives. You see the day I found out I was pregnant with you I had planned to kill myself. But, you gave me something good. Something to work towards. You may be the only good thing I leave behind when I leave this world, but I’ve finally done something good.”

Marie began to cry, she held the baby up to her face and kissed her and rubbed her tears all over her. Marie knew she had a real struggle on her hands. She had fought many battles with depression in the past few years and she always feared that one day she would lose. She had grown up in a suicidal home and didn’t want to raise a child in one. She also knew that getting away from her father was a much harder battle and it too was going to be for a lifetime.

Marie’s father had money and he had friends. The longest she had been able to hide before he caught up with her was seven months. Marie couldn’t imagine raising a child and moving every 3-6 months. Eventually she was going to get tired and either let him kill her or she’ll kill him. She hated her father more than ever now. He had made her life miserable. But the mental anguish, the agony of turmoil she felt right now was far worse than any physical pain he had ever inflicted on her, and she won’t forget it. The feeling of powerless, vulnerability, the crack in her very soul would forever be written in her memory.

Marie turned her attention back to the bundle in her arms. Speaking very softly she said “this is the only time I’ll ever see you, unless my life seriously changes directions. You have given me a new strength so I actually believe it just might be possible. I hope you always appreciate your family. Not every child is so fortunate to have two loving parents. I requested that you have a big brother, I had one once, and they’re a great thing to have. I understand you’ll have one. He was adopted four years ago.”

Her brother, Jerry, although he was nearly two years older, 22 months to be exact, he had been her completer. He was always there for her. He was one of those rare big brothers. He adored Marie and her, him. Rarely would you see one without the other. He helped her with her homework; she went to his scrimmages and all his games; he attended all her rehearsals and plays; he picked her up after school; they did their chores together; they had even run away together a few times. He had been a handsome young man. His dark curly hair was so black it was almost blue. He never could keep it in place. There was always this one curl that wanted to fall across his forehead. He was a linebacker on the football team with his 6’4” frame and 200 pounds he was a force to be reckoned with. The football scholarship he had been awarded was to be his opportunity for escape. Marie missed her brother, and blamed her father for his absence in her life.

Marie tried to focus on Elizabeth but could only say “I love you little one. This breaks my heart” She couldn’t help thinking what an understatement that is, but how do you describe your heart is being ripped out right through your soul. I’ll never regret it because this is the right thing to do. I won’t make this my deep dark secret either there will come a day I’ll be able to tell my story. I can’t shout it from the rooftops just yet, because this little one would not be safe. The law allows him to make a claim for custody. Who’d figure?

In a very broken tone Marie whispered “I’m going to miss teething, chicken pox, report cards and your prom. I’ll miss school plays, boyfriends, and slumber parties; I’ll miss you. I didn’t get to pick out a crib or paint the nursery. Mother’s day will always be a day of hollowness; I’ll never hear you say mommy. The joy of watching you develop and discover the world and yourself is not mine. I hope your mother (that’s a tough word) takes you regularly to the park, I hope she instills lots of tradition in your life as I miss Easter, Christmas, New Years and birthdays.” Marie sighed ever so slightly as the reality hit her that she will never know this child.

She’ll never know what her favorite color is or watch as she changes her mind a dozen times throughout childhood what she wants to be when she grows up; she won’t know if she is warm and shy or outgoing and energetic; will she have a friendship with her mother and will she worship the ground her father walks on? Will she be studious and excel in math or history or perhaps she’ll be athletic like Jerry or she might choose to be creative and artistic? Will she be passive and loving or independent and outgoing?

In an attempt to break her own train of thought and the silence Marie spoke confidently “Be sure to study diligently my grandfather always says ‘knowledge is the one thing they can’t take away.’ He is a good man you would like him. He also always told me if a person takes more from your life than they contribute – you don’t need them in your life. Probably the best two pieces of advice I have ever received. I hope that you have someone in your life with as much wisdom and compassion as he has.

It’s through his encouragement that I have escaped our father. Yes, I mean our father. I’ve escaped him several times and he keeps catching up with me. But grandfather always helps me. I’ve never told him anything. He seems to have instinctively known. I’m not sure what he knows just that Bob, that’s our fathers’ name, is a dangerous man and I need to stay away from him.
I have to put you down now my heart aches so much I’m afraid I’ll drop you. Besides the drugs they gave me yesterday are still “buzzing” in my head. Wait. No, I can hold you a little longer – this chair reclines almost flat.”

Marie no longer cared if she spoke out loud she was so weary she only wanted this moment to last forever and be over soon. “I hope your parents hearts are as full of joy as mine is pain. Their arms as full as mine are empty. How anyone can call giving a child up an act of selfishness beats me. Selfishness would not tolerate this pain. I want so desperately to wrap you up and sneak you out of this hospital. I have to look ahead. I must. What happens to you if I have another bad episode of depression, as long as I have to stay on the run I’ll have them. What happens when Bob catches up with me? You would be in so much danger. You are safe as long as he doesn’t know about you.”

Marie remembered the last time she had seen Bob. She still didn’t know how he had found her. But worst yet she didn’t know how he had gotten into her apartment. Marie worked a lot of hours and would go for days with no sleep. This was a regular routine for her, she didn’t like to sleep, if she wasn’t exhausted enough to not dream she dreamed of his touch. When she would finally wake-up she would shake for hours. This time she had been three nights without sleep and still she was only sleeping because she had taken some sleeping pills to help her. She had gotten into the habit of taking sleeping pills because it was the only way, if she took enough, she could shut out the nightmares that had begun when she was five. She also slept with a ball bat cradled in her bosom, the only way she could feel safe.

It was his smell that had woke her, the combination of Old Spice, the pungent odor of heated metal and corn husk lotion. She thought she had been dreaming and fought the drugs to wake up. Her dreams were always too real. She opened her eyes to find him standing over her. It took her too long to become conscious and recognize that she was no longer dreaming. He overpowered her before she even had a chance to swing her bat. But she still fought him with everything she had. She kicked, scratched, and bit, she even gave him a few good right hooks.

She escaped him and the bed covers only to have him catch her just before she reached her bedroom door. He called her a tigress, and taunted her that he loved the fact she had finally found some fight it made things more interesting. But she was determined not to let him win. Marie had found an inner fight that gave her a physical strength that seemed to surprise them both. She would grasp at anything she could reach and hit him with it. One of her moments of freedom she had flung a glass vase at him, it shattered as it hit his forehead making several huge gashes just above his right eye. They had broken several pieces of furniture in the struggle.

She had her neighbors to thank for being alive. They called the police when they heard her screams and the noise from her apartment. When the police took too long to arrive several of the neighbors started trying to knock in the door. But she had still lost the battle. She was naked, bloody and barely conscious when they had finally broken the door in. Her neighbors were so shocked at her appearance and the apartment that Bob had a few moments lead on them when some of them finally took chase. This time she was in the hospital for six weeks. It was the longest stay she had ever had.

Bob escaped that night, and Marie didn’t even bother, she played the amnesia game with the police, and set out to find a new life. Once again leaving behind everything she had built. He had escaped justice before; she wasn’t going to risk her life by hanging around for a trial. it’s a miracle I survived that last attack how this baby came through is what is truly amazing.

“Because of you I’m going to try again to make a go of it. While in this home I’ve earned my GED you should have seen us on test day. It was two days ago. Talk about timing. The test took five hours, it felt like a week. I couldn’t fit in the desks I had to sit sideways with my tummy protruding into the isle and I was having some decent contractions too. But they weren’t regular.

The tester he kept worrying about me. He brought me a glass of water and refilled it every time it was empty. Without my requesting it, almost instinctively, he arranged for an escort so I could go to the restroom. And he let me walk around the room a lot as long as I kept my distance from the other participants, so no one could accuse me of cheating. I never asked for any of this he insisted. He asked me twice if I wanted to come again another day. I told him I had to have this before the baby was born. My baby wasn’t going to have a dummy for her mother. Thank you for letting me finish the test. I tried hard to take advantage of the opportunities the home made available to me as well as to create some of my own. In an effort to keep myself busy I read and studied a lot. What else was I going to do for five months, sit around and be depressed?”

Marie’s eyes grew dull, and almost immediately she closed them. Putting her head down she rested for a few minutes. Although her face showed that she had seen the harder side of life it didn’t make her look older. It was a strong face. It spoke of self-confidence and dignity. It was one of those faces that made you believe she could do anything. But in that exact moment and only for a moment she looked very defeated. Her face had a little plumpness in it for the first time in her life, she was wearing the bridge the home had obtained for her to replace the missing two front teeth. She had been like a kid at Christmas when they told her they were going to take care of her teeth. When she had come to the home she was four months pregnant and just 92 pounds. The skin on her face had been drawn so tight you could see the breaks in her nose and the scars on her face, though they were highly conspicuous then, they are barely noticeable now.

After a few moments Marie opened her green eyes. She looked at the bundle she was holding and weakly turned in the chair that was now in an almost horizontal position. The mother and child were snuggled in a very natural position. With Elizabeth pulled close to her bosom, Marie could look directly into her face while she played with the tuft of soft blond hair on her head.

Marie allowed the twinkle to return to her eyes and continued speaking to her child as though she understood every word she spoke. “When I leave the home I’m going to Michigan. Jim and Liz, they had put me up for awhile, right after my brother died, they said I can stay with them while I get back on my feet. “He” doesn’t know where they live now. Last he knew of them they were in Colorado. I guarantee they will take care of me.

They’ll probably take me to a doctor before I finish unpacking. In fact they’ll probably take me to two doctors. One for a physical to make sure everything is okay and the other for medicine to keep me from getting depressed. And well you’ve given me reason to continue fighting. I certainly can’t have you searching for me in 20-30 years only to find that I lost the battle with depression or worst lost to our father. This broken spirit of mine and I must find a way to go on.

You are precious and innocent. You have yet to be molded. I hope you have the family I only know in my dreams. I pray that you have a gifted and privileged life.” Marie started to blubber again her heart was so heavy. She didn’t know there was pain this great and she didn’t know if she would live through it. She couldn’t breath, she felt as if every breathe she took could very well be her last. Her soul felt like it had been ripped out of her. Never had she experienced such pain; not even when her brother, her soul mate, her protector had been killed. That pain had lessened over time but this pain; well, she knew she would carry until her last dying day.

It would be so much easier if she had Jerry to help her through. He had been so strong; He had always been her guardian; defending her and lending her his strength. He had had so much faith in her. She wondered what he would think now. In his last breath he had thought of her. That made Bob mad. Why did he have to be my hero that day? Bob was a steel worker. Although Jerry was big and strong Bob was stronger. Jerry knew it.

Marie had been renting a small house on a farm. The farmer had built it for his mother who had passed a few years before. Now he rented it. Jerry had driven more than three hours to see her. He was to leave for Illinois University in the morning. It would be the last time they would see each other for awhile. She had fixed him his favorite dinner of Lasagna and Garlic Bread that started with a spring salad. As they ate they talked excitedly of him going to school. He still hadn’t decided on a major but he was tending toward architecture. When it was time to clean up they moved the food to the counter and only put the dishes to soak. Marie said she would rather spend time and she would finish the clean up after he left.

After they sat back at the table, Jerry with his coffee and Marie with soda, Jerry brought it up. She’d been living in this place for three months and it was probably time for her to move. She still had a little limp from the last time Bob had caught up with her. She agreed and wanted to move to St Louis to be near him. He thought it was a bad idea because that’s what Bob would expect her to do. He said she should move to another state like Wisconsin or Oregon. They finally agreed on Pennsylvania. They looked on a map and found a little town called Easton. Jerry pointed out that it was college town and they tend to cater to the younger crowd.

They agreed to not have contact for a while but devised a plan for communication. Jerry also suggested they change her name. After working out all the little details they decided that she would leave with him in the morning. They would pick up her new identity from a friend on their way and with all she owned packed into a suitcase and a military duffle bag he would take her with him. They decided that he would go off route by way of Iowa where she would take a train for the rest of her trip. She knew the routine as far as what to take but this was the first time she wouldn’t be near Jerry, and the first time they would go as far as changing her name. Jerry hung around for about another hour and helped her pack.

After Jerry’s visit he left but he had made a wrong turn. That’s when he had recognized Bob’s truck. He came back and found Marie’s door wide open and the dining chairs over turned. Marie was backed into a corner in her kitchen with a knife in her hands. Jerry walked in just in time to see Bob get the knife from her hands and threaten her with it. Without hesitation Jerry had jumped Bob. Marie will never get this image out of her head. Bob turned on Jerry so fast and the knife went through his arm like it was butter. Then all hell broke loose; in slow motion. Marie would forever hear every bone crack as Bob showed his supremacy and Jerry fought for his life and hers. Marie found herself thrown across the room as she attempted to come to the aid of her brother against their father. Finally it was nearly over and both men were barely conscious.

Jerry fought the darkness of unconsciousness and breathlessly he spoke to Marie. “Promise me you will survive. Run now and don't look back – not even for me. Run where he can’t find you. Don’t write me. Don’t call me. Just run and don’t look back. Oh, something else:keep joy in your heart. Don’t get bitter or hateful. If you do, he wins. He mustn’t win."

Marie promised and she did just that. She didn’t return for Jerry’s funeral or for Bob’s trial. He was found “not guilty by reason of self-defense.” Bob had used his power to portray Jerry as a troubled young man. This was four years ago, Marie has been running since.

Bringing her mind back to the present Marie didn’t want to feel pain right now and desperately tried to compose herself. She didn’t want this child to ever know this pain and she knew of no other way to protect her, “days earlier,” she thought “she lived within the safety of my womb… this is too much to bear.” She tried to concentrate on the awesomeness of this child she held in her arms. “She is so perfect” she thought “and I brought her into this world. I’m a mother! But soon I’ll be a mother with a pair of empty arms”.

Marie continued to just let her heart fill up with love and her mind fill with portraits of this little girl. She tried to imagine her eating her first cone and laughed at the image formed in her mind of ice cream everywhere. She tried to visualize her in pigtails and riding a bicycle, then an image of her sitting at a desk in school snuck into her mind. Marie smiled. “I don’t really believe in fairy tales but, in case there are a few I hope this baby is the princess…

Marie allowed her imagination to run a little wild, while she took great delight in watching this baby squirm and listen to her coo. Realizing this would be the last time she could call the baby hers she held her a little closer. She had to ask herself one last time. “Am I doing the right thing?”

“Some days I don’t think so” she thought “there are days I think I should just kill him and then I could live a good life. Oh man, why do I let Him interrupt every thought? This is the right thing for my baby. I can’t change my circumstances. I have to give up all rights to this child. I can’t come back and get her if my circumstances change. I can’t look her up or watch her grow. I can’t be a part of her life in any way. I wish I could separate my feelings. I would bring only love into this room”

Pulling the baby yet closer to her Marie closed her eyes. She somehow had believed this would be easier. She knew she was strong, she wouldn’t have made it this far. She knew she was strong enough to do this. Somehow though, because this was her decision, a decision she alone had made, she felt it would be easier. Never mind what the circumstances were that put her here, or the fact there was truly only two options available to her.

She suddenly felt that maybe she had reached her limit and perhaps stretched beyond it some. She knew she had the strength to walk away from this child, she had to, but did she have the strength to go beyond that. Nothing else mattered anymore. This was the single thing that mattered in her life. The only thing that had ever mattered. This was a piece of herself that she wasn’t sure she could live without. She couldn’t get a handle on the pain. The pain that grew stronger with every beat of her heart. Pulsating throughout her entire being.

She tried so hard to shut herself off but, she wanted to love on her baby. Marie couldn’t figure out how to shut out the pain without shutting out the love. She felt an unbearable emptiness unlike anything she had ever experienced before.

She was thinking to herself “how will I go on, I need to make a promise, I always keep my promise. Do I want to make a promise? This really is a good place to stop. You know what they say girl about leaving on a good note. I certainly won’t ever be able to top this. It’s not like I’m going to be doctor or anything else that will put me in a position to make a substantial contribution to society or life in general. This is probably not only the greatest but the only real contribution that I will ever make with my life.

Some days I just want to close my eyes and not wake up. If I did that now, then when this child comes looking for me she might think it is her fault. I can’t do that. I will make one promise…Marie thought.

Then more to herself than to the baby she said. “I promise, because you have saved my life and there are many doors open for me right now. I will give it everything I have for the next… I don’t know, a year would make it too close to your birthday…anything less isn’t long enough for an honest effort…eighteen months!” she said decisively. “Eighteen months. I promise to give it everything I have and even if I fail miserably and end up in some awful environment I will not and I mean I will not hurt myself for eighteen months.”

Marie did not want to over commit herself, because if she ended up back in the same pit she was in before she would not live an entire life that way. Eighteen months would be a long time if her father caught up with her tomorrow. But she made a promise, and Marie always kept her promises. “Besides” she thought to herself, “I really do have a lot in my favor right now, a lot of people cheering for me.” Yet in her heart she knew that this terrible hollow longing would stay with her no matter how long she lived.

Marie looked at the door. She began to calculate how much energy it would take to slip out the back door. Of course she would have to find some clothes on the way there but that wouldn’t be a problem. She thought “if Jerry were here he’d make sure I could keep my baby. But, Jerry is in my heart; I draw strength from his memory every day. I am strong and I’m smart, I could do this, all I have to do is walk out that door. I’m tired of leaving behind pieces of myself. I left my brother behind, my friends, my family and my home. I don’t want to leave my baby – oh Jerry what should I do? I had this all figured out. Why can’t I still go through with my plans but have Elizabeth with me?

I know love won’t buy food, toys or medical care. It won’t buy clothing or bicycles and it won’t pay rent. But there are ways I’ve discovered to make it. It could get a little rough, but I’ve managed to take care of myself, surely a baby won’t be that much more.

Women do it all the time. I’ve met a lot of mothers that make it work. I could make it work. I’ve learned a lot of skills over the years. It wouldn’t be hard to get a job. Jim and Liz say they already have one lined up for me. Grandfather would be willing to help me from time to time too. Maybe we’d get a place near him…”

Marie has put the chair back into the erect position and as her thoughts continue in this direction she begins to wrap Elizabeth. She is now shaking with anticipation. She is filled with new energy and hope. She begins to count how many people she could count on to assist them. She has developed relationships all across the country and could stay on the move indefinitely and always stay at the least one step ahead of –

As Marie’s thoughts came to an abrupt stop she held Elizabeth close and sat back down in the chair, she continued to love on her baby until the nurse arrived. As Marie handed Elizabeth to the nurse that had come to retrieve her, she thought of the irony of how Elizabeth would bring new life to a family and she would begin life anew.