Crooks and Nannies

ACT I

/* Curtains open to an old, beaten down alley. Trash is strewn about along the ground, and it is night outside. The alley is completely empty. There is movement from the left side of the stage. A half-sized man enters whistling. After a few seconds he notices the audience */

Ignaz: Oh…Pardon me, I was not aware that I had an audience tonight….Oh! Please forgive me for being rude. I am Ignaz Semmelweis, and I will be your guide tonight as you explore the wonders of Caranten. I will do my best to help you fully understand the events that are about to unfold. But for now, I will let you watch and listen. Good Luck.

/* Ignaz walks over to the left corner of the front of the stage. Where he will be for the entirety of the play. A man enters stage right at the same time as Ignaz goes stage left. The man stops center stage and stares in Ignaz’s direction. */

Chaz: What are you doing here?

/* Spotlight on Ignaz, background light fades. Chaz continues making motions as if he was talking to someone */

Ignaz: Don’t worry folks, none of the characters in this play can see or hear me. However, there are other things that I can do to affect their lives—but lets not get into that now.

/* Light dims on Ignaz; rest of the stage is alight. */

Chaz: See, what you said just doesn’t add up….Well if that’s true then why am I here?..No, no, stop skirting the questions. Just tell me what all this is for, why does any of this matter?

/* Lights dim and spotlight on Ignaz, Chaz still motions as if he were talking */

Ignaz: Pardon me again folks, but I thought I would explain what is going on. You have just met Chaz. And right now Chaz is having a hallucination. But not to worry! Hallucinations are very common in Chaz’s life, for he is a schizophrenic. So don’t be alarmed, this is perfectly normal.

/* Light’s return to normal */

Chaz: Oh, so that’s why I’m here then? Wow.

/* Laughter can be heard off stage right. After more laughter three men walk out onto stage. The man in the middle motions to speak to Chaz but the lights dim and spotlight illuminates Ignaz. The other characters continue on as normal, the audience can not hear them */

Ignaz: Okay. Here is a quick biography on these three gentlemen.

/* Ignaz walks over to the character furthest away from the audience */

Ignaz: This young man standing next to me is Winthrop. Medical Science is not advanced enough to know this but Winthrop suffers from something called Bipolar Disorder. I won’t explain the intricacies of the disorder but I will just say he has a small problem dealing with his emotions.

/* Ignaz walks to the person in the middle of the three men. */

Ignaz: This strapping hero is none other than Stillman. He is very charismatic and outgoing. He has no family, and this alley in which we stand is his most humble abode.

/* Ignaz walks over to the third man. */

Ignaz: And last, and very least, is Everett. There is not much to say about Everett.

/* Lights return to normal and Ignaz returns to his post */

Stillman: See I have this theory…

/* Stillman notices all three men listening very intently. Everett whom is always perched at Stillman’s side has stopped his loud breathing in order to hear Stillman speak. */

Stillman: But I won’t trouble you with my theories.

/* The three men don’t protest instead they all slump down in sadness. */

/* No one speaks for a moment. The three characters remain slumped over while Stillman remains smiling up into the sky. */

Stillman: What are we going to do today?

/* The three men perk up at the sound of his voice. */

Winthrop; Well, we could do what we always do.

Chaz: We don’t ever do anything.

Winthrop: True. But this time it will be different.

Chaz: How do you figure?

Winthrop: Because…because…/* Thinking */ Because, Stillman you tell him why it’s going to be different.

/* Stillman, walking over to Chaz, closely followed by Everett. Stillman puts his arm around Chaz’s neck and points out over the heads of the audience. */

Stillman: Because things change my friend, and it’s about time they changed for the better.

Chaz: But…but, why haven’t they changed earlier then?

Stillman: Because God did not will it so.

/* All four men laugh hysterically. */

Stillman: We will just have to sit and wait for this change to occur.

/* Lights dim. Four men are motionless staring off into the sky. Spotlight on Ignaz. */

Ignaz: While they are waiting, I thought I would have a little chat with you pleasant smelling folks. None of these perfectly normal individuals has a clue as to what is going on. They do not have a clue as to my existence, and they especially don’t know that they are being watched. Well, they don’t now.

/* Ignaz starts making his way to the audience. */

Ignaz: See, I have some /* Air quotes */ “powers,” if you will. I am the driving force of their lives, if you will. But it all depends on what I do.

/* Ignaz, now at the front of the audience, asks one of the people to borrow the pamphlet for the play. He takes it from them and returns onto the stage. */

Ignaz: This, for those of you making out in the back, is the pamphlet that all of you received upon entering this auditorium. I am about to have a little fun.

/* Lights return to normal, and the men still have not moved. Ignaz walks over in front o f the characters and drops the pamphlet onto the ground. Giggling loudly, Ignaz skips back to his corner of the stage. */

/* After a second the men notice the pamphlet. Winthrop picks it up, stares at it for a second. */

Winthrop: Uhh…Stillman, you might want to take a look at this.

Stillman: What is it?

Winthrop: I’m not really sure.

/* Winthrop hands Stillman the pamphlet, who proceeds to read through it. His expression becomes very serious and interested. */

Stillman: Hmmm…This has all our names in it, but it also has the names of other people next to them.

/* He reads a few lines from the pamphlet. Everything is silent for a few seconds. *.

Stillman: You know what I think?

/* All three men jumping with enthusiasm. */

Chaz and Winthrop: Please, please tell us!

Stillman: Well, I think we were created for the sole purpose of entertainment. This pamphlet is for a play, the characters of which have the same names as us. I think our lives are the creation of a man, the author of this play. He created us in a sad attempt to make money. Right now we are being watched by a large audience comprised of men, woman and children. We only exist to entertain them; our lives are constantly under scrutiny from their all-seeing eyes. There is nothing we can do to escape their gaze.

/* All four characters slowly turn to face the crowd. They all four look directly at the crowd and act as if they are searching for something. They cannot see the audience but they keep looking as if they will suddenly appear before their eyes. Chaz jumps back yelling because he was startled by something. */

Stillman: What is it? Did you see the audience?

Chaz: Jesus Christ! AAAAAH! Jesus Christ!

/* Chaz is walking backwards afraid yelling and taking the Lord’s name in vain. After he does this many times Jesus stands up in the audience and yells something at Chaz. All four men look at Jesus. Jesus gives Chaz the finger as he storms out of the auditorium. Jesus says something about a baseball bat. All four men watch him leave, they are silent for a good while after he leaves. */

Chaz: Did you see that?

/* The three other men nod in agreement, very exaggerated nods. */

Chaz: Good, then I’m not crazy.

/* Lights dim and spotlight goes onto Ignaz, who walks out into the middle of the stage. And faces the audience. */

Ignaz: End of Act I.

/* CURTAIN *.

ACT II

/* Scene is the alleyway again. Ignaz is not on stage, and singing is coming from of stage left. Lysandra prances onto stage singing a very happy song. She is full of joy and she has a flower in her hand. */

Lysandra: Oh beautiful flower, how you make my heart dance across the atmosphere! I never want to lose your sweet fragrance and your flawless beauty. Oh, I love you so!

/* Lysandra continues to dance back and forth through the alleyway. Ignaz rushes onto the stage from the right. */

Ignaz: Sorry I’m late, the coffee machine wouldn’t work and…well, you know how that goes. /* Majestically points his arm at Lysandra. */ This is Lysandra; her parents are very rich and powerful people in Drogsdale. She lives by herself in an elitist neighborhood in the city. She has no idea what is in store for her.

/* Ignaz walks over to Lysandra, who is standing still smelling her flower. Ignaz grabs the flower and throws it across the stage from her. After a few seconds she begins to weep, still not moving. Stillman, Winthrop and Chaz walk onto stage. Stillman pauses and bends over to retrieve the flower. He walks forward to Lysandra with the flower and hands it to her. Ignaz returns to his post, the two other men are still by the place where the flower was */

Stillman: Here my lady, did you drop this?

Lysandra: /* Still weeping */ Thank you kind sir, I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.

/* Lights dim and spotlight goes on Stillman for a soliloquy. The other characters, minus Ignaz, seem to be frozen. */

Stillman: Oh great and powerful love why hast thou struck my heart so violently? I am truly grateful for the opportunity thou hast bestowed upon me. /* Coughs to clear his throat. */ She is the most beautiful woman to inhabit this forsaken planet. One look at her has stopped my heart, I can only imagine what one…

/* Lysandra interrupts him */

Lysandra: I can hear you. We all can hear you…

/* Stillman stands silent. Rather embarrassed, the lights return to normal, and he turns to look at Lysandra. */

Stillman: All that I have said is true. I am, and will forever be madly in love with you.

Lysandra: I will forever love you too.

/* Chaz and Winthrop rather annoyed at being replaced by a woman walk over to the lovers and make themselves known. They speak to Stillman but he does not break his gaze away from Lysandra. */

Winthrop: Hey, sorry to break this up, but we’re in a hurry. Come on Stillman let’s go.

/* Chaz and Winthrop start to leave but Stillman does not move. They stop in disgust and annoyance. */

Winthrop: /* Intense Anger */ FINE! WE’RE LEAVING!

/* Winthrop storms off stage. Chaz stays for a moment looking at Stillman then he turns and runs to catch up with Winthrop. */

/* Lights dim and spotlight on Ignaz who walks to center stage. */

Ignaz: You have just witnessed the remarkable powers of love. This is true love; right now both of them are playing out their lives together inside of their heads. They imagine getting married, having children, and growing old together—the whole time the person across from them right by their side. As I speak their minds are creating a world that will never stand a chance for this thing called reality. Their minds are setting them up for failure.

/* Lights completely dim. Everyone exists the stage. */

/* Lights return to normal. Chaz and Winthrop are on stage in the alleyway. */

Winthrop: I can’t believe his audaciousness. To replace me…to replace us with a girl. Who does he think we are? We are his best friends, not some girl he just met!

Chaz: Do you have anything to eat I’m pretty hungry?

Winthrop: I mean, you can’t just throw us away like we’re nothing. We have given him support in all his times of need. And now he is just going to throw us away like…like….like

Ignaz: /* As he walks onto the stage from the left. */ Yesterday’s Dinner.

Winthrop: Like yesterday’s dinner! BLARG!

Chaz: Hey, do you have any food? I’m starving.

Winthrop: What? Food? Oh, yeah.

/* Winthrop reaches into his pockets and pulls out a sandwich. Hands it to Chaz who eats it, very quickly. */

Winthrop: So, I bet she has a cute friend.

/* A strange and violent explosion noise occurs off stage. Chaz startled by the noise looks around to see what it was. Winthrop did not hear it. Lights dim and spotlight on Ignaz. */

Ignaz: That sound you heard was the sound of Spontaneous Combustion. Someone somewhere just ignited into a ball of flames. Recent discoveries lead us to believe that this is not so spontaneous after-all. That sound signifies the brutal death of a human. Stop laughing you heartless bastards—you could be next!

/* Chaz still looking around for the noise. */

Winthrop: Let’s go find Stillman.

Chaz: Okay.

/* Lights dim and everyone exits the stage. */

/* Lights are still out. Stillman and Lysandra are on stage talking. */

Stillman: I love you, Lysandra.

Lysandra: I love you too…but there’s something I must tell you.

Stillman: What is it?

Lysandra: I can’t see you anymore.

/* Lights come back on */

Stillman: What are you talking about? You are looking at me right now.

Lysandra: I am leaving, and I won’t be back for a very long time.

Stillman: But, where are you going?

Lysandra: Stillman, I haven’t been quite honest with you. I am sick, very sick in fact. My parents are sending me away to Flagship to get help. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you; I was hoping I wouldn’t have to go at all.

Stillman: I don’t know what to say.

Lysandra: Don’t say anything at all, just hold me.

/* Stillman takes Lysandra into his arms and holds her tightly for a few moments. */

Stillman: What exactly is wrong with you? I never noticed that you seemed sick earlier.

Lysandra: I am inflicted with a rare disease. It affects my mind in a way so that I am unable to view reality as you do. I am insane, Stillman.

/* Winthrop and Chaz, who entered the stage during her speech, gasp loudly. Lysandra breaks away from Stillman’s embrace and both lovers turn quickly to see who gasped. */

Stillman: What are you two doing?

Winthrop: We just…we…uhhh….we just got here.

Stillman: You two are so jealous about my love for Lysandra that you decided to spy on us.

Chaz: You have the wrong idea.

Stillman: Shut up Chaz. I would expect this from Winthrop, but not from you. You both are a disgrace.

Winthrop: /* Getting angry. / You’re right we were jealous. I mean, we were best friends; we have always been there for you when you needed us, and then all of a sudden you ditch us for a girl! /* Yelling */ You’re a lousy, rotten, backstabbing friend!

Stillman: /* Enraged by Winthrop’s insults. */ I’m a lousy friend? If I’m a lousy friend then why did you hang on my every word for so long—why did you follow me everywhere? I’m not a bad friend—you’re just a bad person.

Winthrop: /* Hurt but wildly angry. */ Well, I don’t like you anymore. I was blinded by my ignorance before, but now I see the real you and do you know what I see? I see a little kid in a grown up costume trying to get out. The costume has horrible teeth and is plagued by the two evils of the world: acne and male pattern baldness. I despise you and I despise anyone who listens to a word you say.

Stillman: You can’t take that back! You dirty son-of-a-bitch. You can NEVER take that back!

Winthrop: I don’t plan to. /* Walks off stage. */

/* Chaz not sure what to do, walks off stage as well. Lysandra sneaks off without Stillman noticing. Stillman is all alone on stage. He turns to find Lysandra but she is gone. He sits down and cries into his hands. Ignaz coming onto the stage from the right sees this and stops. After a moment he walks to the middle of the stage and faces the audience. The lights dim with a spotlight illuminating him. */

Ignaz: You just witnessed the mental breakdown of a man. He will never be the same person that he was just moments before this eruption. In the past few moments chemicals have been reacting with great speed and determination inside of his head. These chemicals have triggered a deep emotional depression that will have a deathly tight grip on his soul until the very last moment of his life. There is nothing he can do to escape this most gruesome disaster. In fact, there is nothing anyone can do to save him. Not even I can save him now. His destiny is set in stone. All we can do now is watch as his world comes crashing down on top of him. May God have mercy on his soul. /* Laughs */

/* Lights dim and everyone except Ignaz leaves then stage. Ignaz returns to his post. After a few moments the lights return to normal and Chaz is on stage, he is having another hallucination. */

Chaz: What’s wrong with me?… Besides that. No, I mean why am I not happy? What am I doing wrong? I know you can answer my questions. That’s a lie! I know that, but what am I supposed to be doing with my life? There must be more to it than that, that’s too simple. That’s it? Well, then how do you know all these answers? You just do? Sounds a little sketchy if you ask me. No don’t go! I have so many more questions…Please come back! Please! Please! Come Back!

/* Chaz drops his head because he is sad. Suddenly he lifts his head opposite of where he was looking before and he has another hallucination. */

Chaz: Have you ever seen another lying in a pool of blood? No, I haven’t; but have you? Oh. Well, never mind then….No thanks, I don’t smoke. What, that’s not what you meant? I’m not stupid; you’re the one who is wearing that silly hat. Yes, I just made fun of your hat. No I won’t take it back. Well, I’m rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you. /* Gasp / Don’t talk about my mother! Leave her out of this. No you asshole, I don’t care if you slept with my mother—you’re still a sick freak! I know you are but what am I? Don’t use those childish comebacks with me, I won’t have any of that here. /* Spontaneous Combustion noise, Chaz hears it. / Do you know what you just did! That was an innocent human life that you just took for no reason at all. No, I don’t care if it was my brother. No, I hated him. /* Spontaneous Combustion noise again. / YOU ASSHOLE! You just killed my father! /* Yells loudly and pulls at his hair. */

/* Runs off stage arms flailing and yelling. Lights dim and spotlight on Ignaz who walks to center stage. */

Ignaz: End of Act II.

ACT III

/* Lights turn on. Stillman is on stage—alone. */

Stillman: Everything has changed, in only an instant. My life will never be the same. I will never be able to see my love again for she is locked away in a nut house. Why is life such a bitch? No matter how hard I work to truly understand life I will not be able to fully understand it. There will always be something that I did not take into account, or something that I did not expect. I can dedicate twenty life times towards understanding life and its intricacies, but I will still have many questions unanswered. I am a mathematician trying to solve an endless problem in a very finite amount of time. We are all held captive by this most marvelous of all problems, and we will never be able to solve this problem. There is no solution. This is one problem that must be left unanswered—because God created the world in that way. /* Laughs. */

/* The voices of Winthrop and Chaz appear from off stage. Stillman covers his eyes and moves into the rear of the stage. Winthrop and Chaz enter the stage from the left. They do not see Stillman. */

Winthrop: /* Looking around. */ Do you see Stillman anywhere?

Chaz: /* Looking around. */ Nope, nobody here but us elves.

Winthrop: /* Pauses and looks at Chaz for a moment. And then speaks. /* Well, good. I’m glad that blaspheming sack of donkey mucus is not here. I’d be afraid for his life if he were here.

Chaz: What’d you mean?

Winthrop: I mean I’d like to kill him. I’d like to walk right up to his face and knee him in the intestines. And as he is doubled over in pain I would stab a dagger deep into his back, right below the neck. /* Maniacal Laughter */ Yes, that is exactly what I would do.

Chaz: You seem upset.

Winthrop: What are you talking about? I’m perfectly happy.

Chaz: But you were just talking about how much you hate Stillman.

Winthrop: /* Annoyed at the mention of Stillman’s name */ Man, I would love to get right up in his face and…

Chaz: /* Exasperated */ Yes, I know! You’d knee him and them stab him below the neck.

Winthrop: /* Surprised */ How…How’d you know that?

Chaz: Um…You just told me. Don’t you remember?

Winthrop: Remember what?

Chaz: Oh, never mind.

/* Ignaz walks out onto stage. He looks around for a second and then turns to face the audience. Lights dim and spotlight on Ignaz. */

Ignaz: Forgive me once again, I had a bad case of diah….I got held up. Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering why they can’t see Stillman, right? Well, if you will remember to a time when we were all children. A time when you believed that if you covered your eyes no one could see you. Well, this very simple cloaking device is actually a proven method to achieve invisibility. The military uses it quite often, in fact. This is why they are unable to see Stillman, not as you were thinking because they are crazy.

/* Near the end of the speech Stillman uncovers his eyes, and stands up between Chaz and Winthrop. They both turn and see him. After a second they throw their heads up into the air and run off stage. Responding to the audience’s reaction Ignaz speaks. */

Ignaz: What? /* Turns to see Stillman standing and Winthrop and Chaz gone. */ Oh, yes! Let’s get back to the show.

/* Stillman stands still for a moment, then speaks. */

Stillman: Boy! That was a blast! /* Laughs hysterically as he walks off stage. Lights dim and everyone except for Ignaz leave the stage. */

/* Lights come back on and no one is on stage. Everett walks out onto the stage wearing a trench coat and stops in the middle of the stage. Looks around for a minute. Doesn’t see anything. Exits stage right. Everett comes back onto stage from the right. Stops in the center of the stage and looks around. His eyes settle on the empty seat left by Jesus after a few moments. He walks toward it. Goes to sit down. Then stops. Dusts the seat off and then sits down in the seat. As he sits down Winthrop enters the stage. Looks around and doesn’t see anyone—very paranoid that Stillman is hiding again. Satisfied that he isn’t and then he speaks. */

Winthrop: /* Energetically running all over the stage. Speaking very rapidly / I haven’t seen Stillman in such a long time. Not that I miss him, I despise him actually. I wonder where he could be. Probably visiting that nut case girlfriend of his. Oh, look a squirrel! /* Laughs at the sight of a squirrel. / Chaz is getting on my nerves. He was not supportive of my feelings. He just kept ignoring all my questions—all he was worried about was himself. He didn’t care about what I thought, that asshole. /* Yelling loudly. */ How dare he think he is better than me! I am perfect and nothing can even begin to fathom the divine awesomeness that is prevalent in my every nook and cranny.

/* Chaz runs out onto stage, takes a defensive position and then speaks. */

Chaz: Crooks and Nannies! Where?

Winthrop: Good Lord!

Chaz: Yes, he is a very good Lord.

/* Stillman walks onto stage laughing */

Stillman: You two crack me up. You’ve been so worried about me replacing you that you are about to self-destruct. While I totally forgot about those events and have instead found the meaning to life. I discovered that we are all selfish individuals, and the only way to happiness is to cast away your own love for yourself and bestow it upon those around you. God will not help you do this; it is something you must work out on your own.

/* Chaz gets angry and starts shouting. */

Chaz: NO! That’s not true! I know the truth and the truth neither of you can handle. It would bring about the immediate destruction of your mind and soul if I were to utter one breath of the meaning of life. You two disgust me.

Stillman: I don’t believe that you know anything—it all sounds like an elaborate lie to me.

Chaz: Fine! I’ll tell you. But consider yourselves warned. Here it goes…

/* Ignaz jumps out onto stage just before Chaz begins telling them the truth. */

Ignaz: FREEZE! /* Chaz, Winthrop and Stillman all become rock solid. */ Phew! That was a close one. I can’t allow Chaz to tell them the meaning of life. If he were to do so a brilliantly bloody fight would ensue and all three of these men would lose their lives in the crossfire. I need to think of a way to keep him from talking…hmmm…Oh, I know! One second, I’ll be right back!

/* Ignaz runs off stage. Audience heard someone rummaging through a pile of objects. A minute or so later Ignaz returns with a Bible in his hand. He is laughing. */

Ignaz: This should do the trick! /* Taking in a deep breath he yells. */ THAW! /* Slowly Chaz, Winthrop and Stillman come back to life, Chaz begins to speak again. Ignaz hurls the Bible into the air and it comes crashing down in front of Chaz. Who immediately stops talking. He bends over picks up the Bible and holds it in his hands. He is in shock and he stares straight up into the sky thinking the Bible fell from heaven. Yelling he says */

Chaz: GOD DOES EXIST! AAAAAAAAAH!

/* Chaz runs off stage right. A few seconds later it hits Stillman and Winthrop as to what just happened. They proceed to run off stage right after Chaz, yelling. */

/* Ignaz slowly walks to the center of the stage. */

Ignaz: Well, that went surprisingly well. You can always count on a schizo to freak out at the existence of God. /* Laughs / Somewhat ironic don’t you think? You don’t? Well, I think it’s ironic, and that’s all that matters. /* Screaming can be heard from stage left. It is Chaz yelling. */ Oh, here they come, back to the show.

/* Chaz runs onto stage screaming as Ignaz returns to his post. Chaz stops on the stage trying to catch his breath. A few moments later Winthrop and Stillman run onto the stage screaming. They also stop to catch their breath right behind Chaz. After a few moments Winthrop and Stillman catch their breath but Chaz is still doubled over. *.

Winthrop: You need to work out, Chaz!

Chaz: Why don’t you go eat a donkey di—

/* Suddenly a random person walks onto the stage. This person is wearing blue-jean overalls and a white t-shirt on underneath. They look slightly overweight and slightly inebriated. */

Person: Hey, I just wanted to see if I was on the list.

/* Chaz, Stillman, and Winthrop are shocked and therefore unable to respond. They just stare with bewilderedness at this strange man. */

Person: /* Waiting for the list. */ Fine. I’ll go get it somewhere else.

/* Person starts to leave stage left, where he entered from, but stops for a second. He looks at stage right, and after a moment exits stage right. The characters sit on stage in silence for a few minutes. Staring at the right part of the stage. None of them know what to say. */

Chaz: Where was I? Oh, yes. –ck.

Winthrop: I am sorry I got upset with you. I’ve been upset recently due basically to my fear of death. I decided to go to the war. I leave tomorrow. I’m sorry I let this get in the way of our friendship—please forgive me.

Chaz: You’re leaving me?

Winthrop: Yes, tomorrow.

Chaz: You…you can’t! You have to stay here.

Winthrop: I can’t. The army needs me.

Chaz: But…but…I’m coming with you!

Winthrop: /* Surprised */ What?

Chaz: I’m going to the war with you.

Winthrop: You….You’d do that for me?

Chaz: No doubt in my mind.

/* They hook arms and prance their way off stage. Stillman all alone. */

Stillman: Well, once again I am all alone. No friends and no enemies. Just me and my sanity.

/* Everett stands up from his seat in the audience he speaks from there. */

Everett: You’re not alone. You’ve got me.

Stillman: Everett! Where have you been?

Everett: Plotting.

Stillman: Plotting? Wha…what?

Everett: I’ve been plotting what I would say to you when I finally had the chance.

Stillman: Well, then what are you going to say?

Everett: You are…..you are…cu—

/* As Everett speaks Stillman stumbles backward and trips so that he lands off stage—out of view. Everett finished what he was going to say. */

Everett: You are cute!

/* Spontaneous Combustion noise sounds. Everett sits back down in his seat. At that moment the auditorium doors burst open and Jesus runs through carrying a baseball bat. He runs up onto the stage. He stops, looks around and doesn’t see anyone. He looks around for a minute or so and then he speaks. */

Jesus: Damn. I’m all alone.

/* Jesus sits down on the stage and the lights dim. Spotlight on Ignaz who walks to center stage. */

Ignaz: You have just witnessed the greatest travesty of all time. A man, once powerful and loved, torn away from his throne of power by none other than those who loved and knew him best. He did not see this coming, because he had no control over this. In fact, no one was in control of the events that unraveled before your very eyes on this darkest of all evenings. Not even I was in control, for someone controls me. The cycle never ends just as our thirst for answers is unquenchable. There is no way to reach the end. It is impossible. The only thing to do is float through life while a half-man standing just out of your line of sight chooses your destiny. The only thing to do is to just let God work his magic /* Laughs. / Let God work his magic and your life will turn out just fine. /* Laughs. */

Ignaz: And this my friends is where the curtain closes and we part on our separate ways. Good night.

/* Lights dim one final time and the curtain closes. */