Highside

No tim
e to be w
asting alw
ays time to g
et wasted

***

It had been some drive but sure as fuck we’re here. Now this place holds some fond memory’s for me, an seein as am the only one that has been here before it made sense that ah new where to go an the likes, which to a certain extent a did. But the last time ah was here was a few years back see, an things over time change. Fact-o-life.
So am positive where to go ‘cos last time ah remember seein it just over there, its no there now but it`ll be back – no doubt a tell them.
Them consists of Manni and Tadge. Now Manni aint fat but he’s no thin an Tadge aint thin but he’s no fat, if you catch ma drift. Mannis the driver, a fuckin top one too, it might look like a blind stagger on the way to the motor but once in behind that wheel the worlds your oyster with that man drivin. Tadge and me, we’re the professional passengers, keeping everythin in order if you will.

*****

Now am fuckin positive its over there but to be on the safe side we check it out. On our way we got hassled by some south-fuckin-African fuckwitt boring us with his tales of misfortune an askin for help, soft fuckin touches us lot an so we ask this cunt for directions and feed him some penny’s or whatever the currency is over there for his help. His instructions were easy enough, an with that we head off.

*****

We arrive and think, fuckin hell we’ve been done by some limpin motherfuckin S.A cunt, but na, we should of worded the question more clearly cos there they are, loads o them but the one we’re after is a wee bitty bigger than any o these things.
So accepting that my credibility in giving directions is slippin away from me we head to a TOURIST INFORMATION DESK.
Now these things are hard to miss an a definitely saw it over the back there when a was last here, fuckin sure as day, 30,000 tones o steel floatin on the water, aye the ferry ports just over there, sure as. Am arguein and a know am right, a remember seein the big thing sittin in the dock, though I could only see the bow, it was still unmistakably the ferry. Sure as, sure as fuck am sayin.

*****
This fuckwitt workin for the tourist board is getting quizzed by Tadge’s super quick-but you don’t realize it at the time- Scottish accent and she aint got a fuckin clue. Fair play to Tadge though, he knocks it down a gear and then she gets the jist, WHERE DOSE THE NEW-CAS-LE FERRY DE-PART FROM??? Fuckin dosey bitch, probably see her later on up the red light district earnin a wee bit extra on the side. About twenty miles west was the answer, talk about time changing things eh?

*****

So with that Manni-The-Man In Am-Ster-Dam drives us to the ferry port, I’ve often wondered why the moved it.
There it is, a recognize it now – the ferry is sittin there lookin just like it did when a seen it last time in the other port.
So out with the passports and its then a realize that a cant afford the ticket, Tadge though, top lad saves ma bacon and lends me the spare cash, no room on this ferry we’re told but we can get on the one tomorrow, now 24 hours in Amsterdam aint a bad prospect so we book it. Not got two coins to rub together but the lads see me right for a few euros, cant be in Amsterdam an have no money, know what a mean???

*****

The plan was a simple one, head into the Dam, ditch the motor and enjoy the local offerings. We’re in the city centre and headin for some light refreshments, the Grasshopper I think the pub was called, one of them dope pubs where you can sit an get stone henged if it takes your fancy. Not me though, fuck that, a few pints for now keeps me a happy man, a mean fuck smoking that shit man, turns you into a vegetable but each to there own an all that. Manni's much the same but Tadge here, he likes a toke, a mean this is tokers heaven intit. So it would be silly for him no to indulge, but he handles the shit well, aint no vegetable is Tadge.
Wantin to see a bit of this place, after a few pints we ‘re walkin up by the canal and crossin over a bridge, we had talked about it earlier that we would try, a say try but this is Amsterdam so you don’t have to exactly try, to get a hold of some Slazenger’s. With that in mind, as we’re crossin this bridge this Negro walks up an asks if we’re after any Charlie or pills. Fuckin bingo. Now in a situation like this a like a wee bit o haggling, makin ma voice heard an all that but before a could get a word in, the chief negotiator, Manni, is in charge of the situation. Now this Negro punk quotes Manni a price for 6 or so tokens and no joke within three seconds, Manni has his price down to a quarter of the original. Three seconds, good work. Job done. Walkin down by the canal with that buzz you get after makin an illegal deal. They’re already burnin a hole in our pockets.
THUMP THUMP THUMP, wots this then, a nice wee pub with some crackin tunes on that’s what. In we go, three beers please and were knockin back one o these tokens each. Fuckin right on.

*****

Firstly the fingers tappin away with the beat on the table and then your foot, no, leg joins in and then its no lookin back, the sky’s the limit. Off we go.
This pubs good an were havin a good crack, its beginnin to get dark outside an you know what that means, OH YEAH. A few more beers an we’re on the move, prowling the alleys for prey. No need for a financial advisor to tell us, its obvious the only one that can afford a ride is Tadge, fair fuckin play to him a say. Bringin some group politics into thing we agree that we all have to agree on the prossie Tadge rides. You see that’s E’s for you, helpin you come up with some sound ideas.

Walkin up these alleys an it’s all Tap tap tidily Tap, the prossies tappin on there windows tryin to get your attention, an we we’re milkin it, pretendin that we we’re gonna shag them an makin them convince us that they’re the best, fuckin idiots, a couldn’t ride you darling if a wanted to and some of them a surely did want to, some real fine fuckers standin under there red light, curtains open enough so you can see into there pleasure room – your pleasure room if you’ve got the readys. You don’t get fuck all for free in this life though, that’s for sure. So a bit o sexy patter was the best the skint crew could manage, usually ended when the prossie figures out in her dirty little fuckin brain that you aint got fuck all money an telling you, not so sexily anymore to fuck off

While we’re on the subject, a prossies a fairly non fussy person, a mean you cant be a prossie and be fussy, they gotta leave there principles out with the rubbish in there line o work. Havin said that, me an Tadge nearly died of a heart attack form laughing, while on some serious MDMA remember, when Manni asked a prossie how much for a suck an fuck and was subsequently told to FUCK OFF. A prossie telling a potential customer to fuck off??? Every man has his Achilles heel and that is Manni's, one for the best man speech I think.
An in between askin for a suck an a fuck, we’re checkin out the numerous sex shops that litter this part of town, these places will open your eyes to a few new things sure as fuck. No joke, a open this porno an there’s this lonely housewife with a fuckin TABLE LEG up her chuff, no fuckin kiddin, an this was a wide table leg, a get the impression it took a few years o practice to get to that level, head first an you still wouldnae touch the sides, un-fuckin-real. But good though, don’t get me wrong, good for a second look alright. Any extreme you want, shittin in each other’s mouth, bondage, blood you fuckin name it an they’ll have it. Sure as fuck. And no cunts embarrassed about it over here, that’s the thing, SUPERB.

*****

Well well well, wot have we here, it seems all tree of us agree this is the one, the lucky one picked out from hundreds of slag’s, this is the one that will suffer at the might of Tadge. Fuckin well nice too, blond hair, Britney spears body – the full shaggin package. The full ITS OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT PACKAGE if your no careful. With that Tadge disappears to do the business.
Me an Manni linger about out side, takin in the goins on around us and thinking about that lucky bastard in there striking fuckin gold wi that gorgeous ride. Go on the Tadge you cunt.

*****

Charlie, Charlie this Negro’s sayin and Manni, is again, negotiating with this fucker. This guys sellin coke and we’re interested alright. But before you buy coke, have a wee tester if you can and we certainly can in this situation, out comes one of those things you keep a camera spool in, lid off and its full of marchin powder an we’re invited for a taste.
Manni and then me, rubbin it on my gum and the hits instantaneous, a ticket to another planet. Manni’s a few seconds in front of me and reassures me that this is good shit. Fuckin right it is, no mistakin this shit, fuckin pontoon eyes here. Every penny we had was out on offer, the guy had a nice pile turned out on a wrap but took some back ‘cos our money aint enough, fuck that so I suggest swapin ma passport for some more but Manni advises me that aint a good idea.

Tadge is still bangin away, credit to him, an Manni rakes up three lines, nice good ones too. Manni’s dose the dissapearin trick on his, then me on mine, fuckin hell man – a have to sit down ‘cos this is one UNFUCKINREAL rush that am on, leveling out at 30,000 feet captain Mango. Recovered an back on ma feet Tadge, with a smile so wide that you could park a truck in it, comes out and tucks into his line… we’re off…………………………

*****

Next we’re sittin next to the canal havin a toke, a know a was slaggin it off earlier but this is different see. The three of us in a triangle discussin Tadge's ride and world politics in equal measure. This joints stopping ma brain from burnin out big time. Top coke, top coke.

Just up the path there’s a lad just came stumbelin out a wank booth lookin a bit confused, poor fucker must no of had enough for a ride, but fair play to the guy. Fair play.

*****

Now this really is a blind stagger, but we find the motor and all credit to him, though the journeys a blank to me, Manni finds a nice quite place to park the motor and have a kip. This empty car park is well out the way and deserted as fuck. Perfect.
Wake up un-fuckin-happy to all this racket, fuckin hell this is only an industrial estate we’re on. The bastards. So we’re on the move sharpish and laughin about last night, what a fuckin night, no points for memory loss in this game.

A Heineken carry out and Amsterdam is again at our mercy, the sex museum was a laugh, some fucked up pictures mind you, well fucked up but good viewin none the less. These Amsterdam cunts have got the right idea so they have. Prossies an drugs = a happy community indeed, fuckin right on. Don’t know if a could live here mind, too much of a good thing. Know what a mean???

We’re getting on the ferry, adios Amsterdam – its been good alright, one to remember….