Happily Ever After?

“Happily Ever After?”

“You look wonderful, my dear.”

Cinderella turned from the full-length crystal mirror of her castle dressing room, smoothing down the layers of white sateen that covered her hips. The petticoats underneath her full skirt rustled ever so slightly when she moved. “Do you really think so, Godmother?” she whispered.

Her fairy godmother, hovering in a circle of gold-tinged white light, beamed. “You’re beautiful, my dear. Your father would be overjoyed if he could see you now.”

Cinderella smiled and reached up, arranging her curls. “It’s my wedding day, and to Prince Charming, of all people! That reminds me, where are my stepsisters and stepmother?”

“Working hard in the kitchens.” Cinderella’s fairy godmother’s normally sweet smile turned slightly evil as it morphed into a full-blown smirk. “Your reception hall is going to have the cleanest floor ever, thanks to them. You should have seen them when their new kitchen duties were announced- if their jaws had dropped any lower, they would’ve hit Lucifer in the head!”

Cinderella fingered the think string of pearls and diamonds- a gift from her husband-to-be- around her neck. “I kind of feel bad,” she admitted. “I mean, they are still my sisters, in a way…”

Her fairy godmother indulged in a most un-fairylike snort. “They’re getting what they deserve.”

Cinderella gave her godmother a beseeching look. “I’d like them to come to the wedding.”

Her godmother narrowed her eyes. “Whatever for?”

“To rub it in, of course!” Laughing, Cinderella gave the fairy a high-five and took one final look into the mirror. The train of the white wedding dress she wore swept elegantly over the marble floor. It perfectly accentuated her slender figure, and was trimmed with freshwater pearls and fine openwork lace. Her golden hair had been gathered up to the top of her head in a mass of ringlets, anchored by the royal tiara. She picked up her skirts, and her glass slippers caught the light and twinkled.

“Thank God that husband of yours found that thing,” the fairy groused. “Do you know how much magic it took from my wand, creating glass slippers that don’t break? I had visions of tracking that thing down through rain, snow, sleet, hail…”

“He’s not my husband yet, godmother.” Cinderella smiled and slipped out of the room while her fairy godmother continued to rant. Her thoughts were full of the man she was soon to wed. His charm…his grace…his dark hair…his cobalt-blue, smoky eyes…his royal bearing…his incredible baritone…

She nearly swooned right there in the hallway (because of course, that’s what ladies did back then) and reached for one of the servant’s cloaks hanging on a hook in the hall. She pulled it on over her dress. She had to see Charming before the wedding, even if just to tell him how much she loved him. Hang bad luck! I’m he luckiest girl in the world, she thought.

With this thought in her mind, she began to run.

****************************

“Mirror, mirror, baby!”

The said Prince Charming was also in his quarters, preparing for the wedding. He was standing in front of a large ivory-and-gold framed mirror hanging on his wall. However, the face in the mirror wasn’t his own reflection. It belonged to an eyeless, mythical creature who currently wore an expression of utter disgust.

“Yes, Master?” It replied.

Fully dressed in his tux and tails, the Prince preened before the mirror, raking his hair back and adding another glop of Ye Olde Maximum Hold hair gel to it. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the frikin’ finest of them all?”

“You are,” the mirror replied with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. “Your highness…”

“Yeah, baby!” Pleased at the mirror’s reply, the Prince blew a kiss at its reflection. “I know you think I look better than that old hag you used to belong to.” He turned and lifted his tails, surveying his rear end. “Have you ever seen a better example of a manly, rock-hard bod, and-”

“Spirits above,” the mirror muttered, wondering if it could shake itself loose from the wall and shatter.

“Yup! Let’s face it- the ladies love me, man.” The Prince reached into his coat pocket and produced a
flask of brandy, from which he took a hearty swig. “Best in the kingdom,” he announced before raising the bottle. “To me!” he cheered.

The mirror would have rolled its eyes, had it the ability to do so. “Nervous about the big day?” it asked dryly.

“Nah.” The Prince shrugged. “Cin...what’s her name again?” He flipped the date book in his inner pocket open. “Cinderella, right?” He tucked the book back into his jacket, then bent and flicked an imaginary ball of lint off his tux. “She looks totally boring, nothing like that live wire I got you from.” He nodded in the mirror’s direction with a smirk. “But…she’s pretty. She’ll make a decent queen. And I get to keep up my rep as Mr. Goodwill, since I rescued her from the ashes and all.”

Yeah, sure. This marriage should be interesting to watch… “Well, it’s good that you’re finally settling down,” the mirror said magnanimously.

The Prince laughed until he choked. “Settle down?” he finally managed to gasp between coughs. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all say- dude,” he leaned against the mirror and gave it a conspirator’s grin. “Why d’ya think I let her relocate her sisters to the palace? ‘Cause I needed new maids?”

“You can’t be serious.” The mirror was aghast.

Prince Charming laughed again and straightened up. “Those two practically have ‘easy access’ stamped on their foreheads,” he sniggered. “Did you see how they were throwing themselves at me at the ball?”

“But….”

“Yeah, they’re god-ugly.” The Prince walked over to his vanity and began putting on his cufflinks. “But hey…I assume that they’ve got what all women have! I’ll just keep the lights out.” He laughed at his own wit.

The mirror shuddered inwardly. He couldn’t believe that he’d given up a great position with an evil sorceress to live with this freak. “I wouldn’t be so sure, Sire,” he replied. “Toying with women only brings trouble, and-”

Charming chose to ignore his wisdom. “I’m still young and hot. What law states that I have to settle down with only one woman? Heck, my ancestors had harems. The name’s Prince Charming, not Prince Fidelity- it’s only fair that I spread the love. ”

“Don’t you love Cinderella?”

Charming rolled his eyes. “Please. ‘Love’ is one of those stupid little meaningless words that people toss around…you know, like ‘fatherly,’ or ‘starvation’ or ‘addiction..” He took another swig of brandy. “Gonna have to have the valet refill this thing soon,” he muttered, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

A soft rap was heard on the door, and the Prince jumped. “What the-” irritated at having his speech interrupted, he crossed the floor in a few steps and yanked open the door, scowling.

Cinderella stood on the other side wrapped in a large cloak, a shy smile on her face.

“Cinderella.” The Prince’s expression immediately softened. He bowed and took her hand, then kissed it. “What are you doing here, love? You godmother will have our heads if she catches you in here,” he teased, tweaking one of her curls.

Cinderella laughed and blushed prettily. “I just had to…to see you before the ceremony.” She tucked her hand in the crook of his arm, looking up at him adoringly. The Prince smiled and walked her into the room underneath a thin sheen of sweat, fervently praying that his valet had hidden away all the issues of Wench magazine that he normally had lying around. That might not go over so well. Thankfully, his table was clean. He led her to a divan and sat her down, then settled himself beside her.

“I’m so glad we’re getting married,” Cinderella said shyly. She glanced up at him from underneath lowered lashes.

“As I am, my love,” he said in the same sing-song monotone he’d used on her at the ball. What a shcmuck, he thought disdainfully. Although, she was sporting a pretty nice rack underneath that bodice…he snapped back to attention as she spoke again. What she babbling about now? Does the woman ever shut up?

“It just makes me so happy that a poor orphan can become a queen. It’s so magical.”

“You are the only magical thing I see, my love,” he said automatically, trying to stifle a yawn.

Behind the couple, the mirror groaned.

“I love you, Charming.”

“I love you too, my dear.” This is too, too easy…he leaned forward and gave her a chaste peck on the lips, then pinched her nose lightly. “Ready to get married?”

Cinderella took a deep breath, nodded, and smiled and raised her chin.

She was so happy…

******************

“If any man or woman has ought against this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.” the priest paused and looked around.

Cinderella stood at the front of the castle chapel, smiling beatifically over all the guests. Prince Charming noticed and returned her smile. His eyes were shining with love and devotion. Her stepsisters were sitting in the back alongside her stepmother, looking positively sick with envy. Her godmother, dressed from head-to-toe in silver, was beaming from her position as matron of honor. Cinderella glanced down at the band of diamonds and emeralds on her left hand (“They remind me of your eyes,” the Prince had said to her in a private moment) and blinked away tears of joy. No one even noticed the tall, stately woman draped in gold brocade enter the chapel- that is, until she spoke.

“This marriage cannot go on!”

Everybody present turned around to look, and the lady began to float up the aisle. When Prince Charming saw her, his eyes grew wide with recognition and fear, and he gasped. Cinderella glanced at him in surprise, but he dropped her hand and turned to his guards, looking panicked. “Throw her out!”

The priest shook his head, halting the guards in their tracks. “The Book specifies that they can speak, your highness. Madam, do you have any ought against this marriage?”

“You might say that,” the woman replied snippily. She paused in front of the alter and hovered over Prince Charming, glaring at him. “This man is already married!”

Gasps swept through the church like a wildfire, and Cinderella dropped her flowers. Prince Charming had turned a very interesting shade of gray.

“What? Impossible!” sputtered the priest.

The woman ignored him and turned to Cinderella’s fairy godmother, who looked just as shocked as everyone else. “Don’t you remember me, dear?” she queried.

Cinderella’s fairy godmother’s eyes narrowed; then she blinked. “Of course! The birthday celebration of the Princess Briar-Rose, one-hundred and twenty-two years ago! You were quite a young fairy then, just starting out. Emile, isn’t it?”

She nodded. “Yes. I was assigned to the Princess Briar-Rose not long after that.”

“Ah, yes. The Sleeping Beauty. I remember.” The fairies moved forward and embraced, then began to gush.

“It’s been so long!”

“I know!”

“The centuries just fly, don’t they?”

“They certainly do!”

“You don’t look a millennium older!”

“Thank you, sweetie! Don’t tell anyone, but I have had a bit of work done…you look fabulous, yourself!”

“Thank you, darling!”

“Have you heard from Tinkerbell?”

“Actually, yes! Last I heard, she was with some boy in the Neverland district-”

“Er…ladies,” the priest managed to break in. “I believe that you had something to say…”

“Oh yes!” Emile turned to the priest and assumed the angry expression she had been wearing earlier. “Anyway. You,” she said, shooting a withering look at Cinderella, “cannot marry this man. He is already married to my granddaughter Briar-Rose, more commonly known as the Sleeping Beauty.”

“You fiend!” an unearthly shriek from the back made everyone swivel around again and made Charming’s face pale another full shade.“That’s what you left me for?”

A very tall, very slender young woman around Cinderella’s age made her way to the front of the chapel. She sported thick blonde hair that framed an angular, finely-boned face, with icy blue eyes that were flashing angrily. Her face was a mottled red, and she looked ready to explode.

“Darling!” Emile fluttered around her, trying to calm her down. “I thought I told you to stay in the carriage-”

“Back,” she hissed, pointing to the wall.

They stepped back. All of them.

Sleeping Beauty marched up to the groom, still seething. “So,” she sneered. “Prince Phillip has gotten himself another wifey, huh?” she moved up so that their noses were almost touching.
Charming flinched- he couldn’t help it. “You’re crazy!” he said heatedly.

“His name is Charming, not Phillip,” Cinderella interjected gently, feeling sorry for the girl. Whoever this ‘Phillip’ was, he must have been a terrible person to make a young girl so upset. “You must have him mistaken for someone else, and-”

“Was I talking to you, heifer?” Sleeping Beauty advanced on Cinderella so quickly that she backed straight into a floral arrangement. Satisfied that the ‘wifey’ had been successfully subdued, Sleeping Beauty turned back to Charming. Her fists were clenched. “Charming?” she spat, disgusted. “What kind of a sissy name is that?”

“Er…” Acutely aware that the entire kingdom was viewing this little tableau, the priest took action quickly. “Ladies. Your Highness. Perhaps we should move this to the throne room-”

“Splendid idea.” The prince, who was now profusely sweating under his tux and tails, moved towards the door as fast as he could go. “Cinderella,” he said, drawing her to his side and speaking in an undertone. “Darling. I have no idea why this is happening…we’ll get it all straightened out, I promise.”

Reassured by his tone, she squeezed his hand and nodded.

The trip to the throne room was silent, and when they arrived, Sleeping Beauty and her godmother Emile sat on one side of a large table, with Cinderella, the prince, and her fairy godmother on the other side. The priest sat at the head of the table.

“Now,” he began patiently, addressing Sleeping Beauty. “You say that this man is your husband?” he indicated Charming with one hand.

She smirked. “Is? Was, as if now. And yes, we were married.”

“When and how?”

“This fool came and awoke me from a thousand-year slumber in a castle, by giving me a kiss.” She pursed her lips in disgust. “Hadn’t even brushed his teeth that day, I don’t think.”

The priest harrumphed. “And you were married?”

“Unfortunately, yes. I was too young and stupid to see what a man-ho he really-”

“Madam, please!” the priest cut her off before she could use any more indecorous language. “Pray tell, have you proof of your marriage to Prince…Phillip, as you call him?”

“Of course not!” ‘Phillip’ broke in. “We were never married! This woman is clearly disturbed, and-”

Sleeping Beauty held out her left hand. On her ring finger was a large diamond-and-emerald ring, identical to Cinderella’s.

Silence reigned. The little remaining color in Charming’s face drained right out, and Cinderella’s stomach dropped somewhere around the vicinity of her toes. “Charming?” she asked weakly. She raised her left hand alongside Sleeping Beauty’s and raised accusing eyes to her fiancé.

“That doesn’t prove a thing,” Charming muttered. Beads of sweat were beginning to break out on his face.

“He told it matched my eyes,” Sleeping Beauty mimicked his baritone with biting accuracy. “That shows what he was really looking at, since my eyes are blue. What a load of-”

“Madam, please!” the priest rubbed his eyes. This did, indeed, look quite serious. “I’m afraid that we will have to question you further, young lady, and-”

Someone began banging at the throne room door, startling them all. “Your highness!” the knocker called through the door. His voice was muffled.

“What?!” Prince Charming fairly screamed, his nerves on edge. He ran to the door and threw it open, ignoring the winces of the others in the room as it crashed into the stone wall. “I cannot be disturbed right now!!” he shrieked, still on his adrenaline rush.

The unfortunate guard on the other side of the door bowed hurriedly, shaking like a leaf. “Sire!” he cried when he had regained his composure. “The kingdom is being attacked!”

“What? By whom?”

“Well, sire, the army is being led by seven little men with mine picks, and a woman claiming to be your wife!”

Cinderella’s gasp and the shrill scream of “Another one?” from Sleeping Beauty barely registered in Charming’s brain as the room suddenly seemed much too small. Flanked by his bride and ex-wife number one, he ran out the door and to the roof. Then he looked over the castle walls. Sure enough, the moat had been lowered, and seven particularly angry-looking men were making quick work of the wooden gates with their picks. An extraordinarily beautiful, raven-haired woman with the most perfect skin that Cinderella had ever seen was seated on a horse behind them, her face contorted in rage. She saw Charming on the wall and began to shriek. “You unfaithful, trifling son of a-” her voice was drowned out by the hammering of the dwarves.

Charming cringed.

The woman’s ruby-red lips curled up in disgust. She pointed up at him, signaling the dwarves’ attention. “There he is!”

The seven little men looked up, rammed the gate in one effort, and broke it down completely. They raced into the compound- right past the guards, who were all gaping in astonishment- and were up the wall in seconds.

“You bastard!” The dark-haired woman alighted from the horse and strode towards him, looking ready to kill. Everyone else backed away. “You didn’t think I would find you, did you, you philandering, two-faced little scum! And you had the nerve to steal my mirror when you left! You couldn’t let me know that our marriage was over, but you took my mirror? Huh? What kind of a man are you? Answer me!” Her heavily-lashed green eyes were bugging out, and a vein in her neck jutted out alarmingly.

“I…” Charming sputtered. Suddenly her hand flashed out, and his words were cut of with a resounding crack that echoed through the throne room.
His hand flew to his face.

“You…you slapped me!” he said in disbelief.

“Shut up,” she ordered, narrowing her eyes.

“But you told me to answer you!”

“Shut up!” she was nearly hysterical now.

“Please don’t make her mad,” murmured Cinderella, who had backed away, remembering her earlier run-in with the flower arrangement.

Charming closed his mouth.

“Holy God,” muttered the priest. “Prince Charming, bitch-slapped silent by a woman.” He crossed himself.

The named ‘woman’ was still staring down her ex-husband. “Your life,” she said, through gritted teeth, “will end today.” she reached into her pocket and pulled out…a partially-bitten apple?

Huh? Everyone pretty much had that simultaneous thought.

Charming, however, seemed to recognize the rotting fruit. His face twisted in fright. “Snow White…” he began, shielding his face with his hands.

“You know her, too?” Cinderella had finally found her voice.

Snow White took a step forward. “Oh, he knows me all right, dearie. I’d say he knows me very well. Don’t you, sugar?” She tossed the apple up and caught it, and a now-familiar emerald-and-diamond ring on her left hand caught the light and glittered- a hard, cold glitter. The malice in her smile more than matched that of any dragon that Charming had ever faced. “He left me,” she said, addressing the others in the room, “without a word, or even a note. And he took my magical mirror with him.”

“That’s nothing!” Sleeping Beauty scoffed, apparently not as intimidated by Snow White as Cinderella was. “He was cheating on me with some little Frenchwoman named Belle. Can you imagine?” she shook her golden head. “And you know what his excuse was? He says, ‘Darling, I was doing her a favor. Her husband is a total beast.’”

“That’s terrible!” Snow White dropped her bounty hunter’s expression long enough to shoot Sleeping Beauty a sympathetic look. “I supposed he kissed you awake, too?”

“You bet.” Sleeping Beauty nodded emphatically.
“Couldn’t even come along with an original way to get a wife the second time around, you know? But…you were saying?” She gestured towards Prince Charming, who was not-too-subtly trying to get to the door.

“Oh, yes. Nearly forgot about him! Thank you.” Snow White shot her retreating ex-husband a glare that froze him in his tracks. “You,” she stated calmly, “are going to eat this apple- every bite. And then you will die. And I will watch you die. Happily. And you will go to hell.”

Prince Charming was in quite a quandary. Move back, and he’d go over the wall; move forward, and he’d become the new demolition project of a gang of four-foot-fivers. There was only one thing to do in a situation like this…

Use flattery. Lots of it.

“Snowie,” he began, still rubbing his stinging cheek, “Baby. You know you were always my favorite…”

“What?” Sleeping Beauty shrieked, taking a step forward, her hand raised. She looked ready to take care of the other side of his face. “No wonder! I was wondering why you called out her name instead of mine, the last time that we-”

“Better me than someone you actually knew,” Snow White interrupted. “With me, it was my sorceress stepmother!”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I wish I was!”

Charming gulped and looked around at the crowd that encircled him, loosening his tie and ignoring the sweat running down his face. The fairy godmothers had taken to the air and were glowering down at him, their wands wielded high above their heads. Their auras were glowing brightly. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White looked ready to vaporize him. The priest was crossing himself and mumbling a prayer- and he could guess that it probably wasn’t in his favor. The dwarves were clearly ready to attack, their little faces darkened in fury. Lastly, he looked at Cinderella. Her eyes were wide, disbelieving, and angry. Yes, angry.

The tallest of the dwarves stepped forward and slammed his little fist against the bottom of the pick.

“Happy not happy,” he groused, deadpan.

Charming swallowed again, finding it increasingly hard to breathe, and glanced over the castle wall and onto the path below. What he saw made his heart leap into his throat. A young woman was storming down the path, her floor-length hair streaming out behind her…

Charming did the only thing left for him to do- he leaped off the wall. Maybe I’ll get lucky and land on some grass, he thought. Things most certainly couldn’t get any worse. He watched as the ground rushed up to meet him. Or maybe not. Man that was a dumb thing to do…

The occupants of the roof all leaned over and watched as he fell screaming, landed in a boysenberry bush, bounced out, hit the bridge, fell into the moat, and was promptly gobbled up by a crocodile. The fairy godmothers and the priest raced below to get front-row seats to the action, but the three women didn’t move. Cinderella stood frozen in shock.

“Well,” said Sleeping Beauty.

“Well,” said Snow White.

“Well?” A voice from behind them made them all turn around. A woman was standing in the middle of the roof, breathing hard. “My name is Rapunzel,” she explained, and strode over to where they were standing. She tossed her heavy locks over one shoulder and looked over the wall in time to see the crocodile burp and spit out Charming’s crown. “Ew. I saw him falling on my way up. Too bad I wasn’t here to push him off.” The now-familiar emerald-and-diamond ring glittered on her left hand.

“Let me guess,” Sleeping Beauty said dryly. “You’re his wife, and you heard he was getting married today.”

“You got it.” Rapunzel didn’t even seem surprised.
Cinderella couldn’t take it anymore. She took one look around at the three women, then down at her wedding dress- and burst into tears.

“Aw, honey,” Sleeping Beauty looked kindly at her. “The girl didn’t have a clue,” she confided to Rapunzel and Snow White. They also gave her sympathetic looks, patting her on the shoulders and back. “Tell me one thing, dear,” Sleeping Beauty continued. “Were you actually married before we burst in on the scene? I don’t remember.”

“No,” sniffed Cinderella. “We were just about to exchange vows when you came in.”

“Oh.” The three women exchanged glances. “As his widows, we have rights to everything, but I guess that excludes you.”

“But…but I’m heartbroken!” sobbed Cinderella.
Snow White shrugged. “Tough. We actually had to sleep with the guy. Consider yourself lucky.”

“Oh yes. Plus, he smokes cigars in bed.” Rapunzel added.

“He farts, too.” Sleeping Beauty was quick to contribute.

“Not to mention calling out the names of other women at the most inappropriate times…” Rapunzel wrinkled her nose at the memory. “May he rest in peace. Anyway, back to business. I’ll take the stables and the gardens-”

“I’ll take the summer beach palace and the treasury,” Snow White said.

“That leaves me the castle and the menagerie.” Sleeping Beauty looked satisfied. “Good thing the fool was too stupid to make us sign pre-nups.”

“Right you are...” Rapunzel re-adjusted her heavy braids so that they dragged behind her. “Nice meeting you, ladies- I have to go.”

“Yeah, so do I,” Snow White added. “Pack it up, guys!” she called to the dwarves.

“Me, too.” Sleeping Beauty took a moment to shake each of their hands. “You’re good people, for husband-stealing skank hoes.”

“Likewise,” replied Rapunzel with a smile.

“Ditto,” said Snow White, and looked down at Cinderella, who had sunk to the floor, overcome by her tears. “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” she said, impatiently. “Here.” She handed her the ring on her left hand. “Pawn it. That should get you something. He may have been a total player, but he wasn’t cheap.”

“Here, you can have mine too.” Rapunzel pulled hers off and dropped it in Cinderella’s lap. “It makes my skin crawl.”

“Got no use for mine, either,” Sleeping Beauty said casually, and gave Cinderella her ring as well. “Good luck, hon. God, I need a cigarette…”

The three women went their separate ways and Cinderella remained sitting on the floor, clutching the rings in her hand and sobbing uncontrollably. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder.

She looked up- and gasped.

Her stepmother and stepsisters were standing there. All three of them were smiling.

They know everything, Cinderella thought in horror. And they know I have no place to go…after I banished them to the…oh, NO!

“Sent us to the kitchen, eh?” her stepmother hissed, still smiling. She reached out and jerked Cinderella to her feet.

“Stepmother-”

“Oh, hush.” Her stepmother rolled her eyes and pointed. “Get moving, guttersnipe! You have plenty to do at home.”


FINIS