Back From the Cretaceous

BACK FROM THE CRETACEOUS



December 5, 2004
Shuffling the papers the anchorman turns to the camera, “In a bit of interesting news, another sign of global warming; right after this message from our sponsor.”

I go to the john to take a leak. When I come back a commercial is describing a new product: disposable toilet seat cleaners in handy purse size. Another reminder that we’re surrounded by germs. I wonder what people who buy this product had been using before. But, unhappily, no matter what we do, we’re covered with microscopic creatures. There’s no avoiding them. Fortunately, before I continue this line of thought, the news comes back on.

“Today, palaeontologists have announced that rising temperatures, thinning the ice cover in Antarctica, have revealed a theropod. Reports from researchers, collaborated by these pictures, reveal that this dinosaur had a thick coat of feathers similar to that of penguins.”

The rest of the news doesn’t register. Dinosaurs. I’ve loved them since I was five; even now, snakes and lizards are two of my favorite animals. A two legged meat eating theropod covered in feathers, what a sight that must have been!

January 16, 2005
The anchorwoman looks into the camera with her best smile, “For you dinosaur lovers out there, a special report. Right after these words from our sponsor.”

I rush to the kitchen to hunt some snacks. When I come back I see a commercial; a spray for your bedspreads to keep the microscopic bug feces from becoming airborne when your kids jump on the bed. Happily, the news prevents any further reminder of the unpleasant facts of life.

“Palaeontologists have found that Daniel, the frozen theropod, suffered from an infestation of mites. Tiny eggs have been found among the feathers, and an attempt will be made to hatch them. If they succeed, an organism that became extinct hundreds of millions of years ago will live once again.”

Wow! Dinosaurs had mites. I try to imagine a pack of Velociraptors in the tundra, grooming each other for mites. My imagination fails.

February 7, 2005
Those researchers have done it; they’ve hatched dinosaur mites. Life from the Cretaceous is here once again. Reading on, I learn that after hatching, the creatures feast on dead skin and mature in ten days. The mature female, requiring higher nutrition for eggs, gorges on blood and increases in size tenfold. While feeding the female releases a nerve agent so the victim, a lab rat, feels nothing. After laying its eggs, it dies. Invariably, the feeding tube, inside the skin, causes a very itchy infection in the lab rats.

They seem to fit right in with lab rats. Poor lab rats.

April 4, 2005
The newscaster turns to his partner, “Kubo-san, have you been enjoying the cherry blossoms?”

“Of course, Ogawa-san. I plan a picnic this Saturday.”

“Well, I hope you won’t encounter the white robed members of the Earth’s Shield. More on this new cult after a word from our sponsor.”

The signal for me to answer the call of nature. When I return, I see a commercial of a housewife pouring water into a can on the floor of her living room. Thick white smoke engulfs everything. Mites, hidden in the floor and furniture, are dying in agony. A totally safe and cheap fumigator. I get a little psyched out and start scratching.

“Kubo-san, here is a park the Earth’s Shield visited a few days ago.”

“Oh, my! All the tree trunks are wrapped in white cloth.”

“Yes, this cult believes that the sun’s rays harm living things and only a white cover can offer protection. The police have begun ....”

What next? What will some clever mind come up to attract a following of lonesome worshippers?

April 10, 2005
A news flash appears; radical members of the Earth’s Shield have attacked the laboratory in Nagano where Daniel is kept. The regular program is cut off and the scene shifts.

The leading truck crashes into the gate, flinging it aside. The guards flee as the convoy of white vehicles roar into the grounds and fan out. A white clad mass streams into the laboratories of the research center.

Oh, no! I’ve heard the cult believes all white animals are sacred and condemn the use of animals for research, especially white mice and rats. I hope they aren’t stupid enough to release them.

April 11, 2005
They were stupid enough. The Earth’s Shield successfully raided the laboratory and released all animals.

That night I have nightmares of mites crawling over my body and into my nose and ears while I’m paralysed. I awake in a sweat and immediately take everything off and take a long hot shower.

April 24, 2005
Reports of the Cretaceous mites, christened Dino Mites, infesting livestock have come in from rural parts of the country near the laboratory. I live in the adjoining prefecture, and am expecting more disturbing news in the near future.

May 1, 2005
While tying up my dog, Lupin, after a walk, I see it. A bloated Dino Mite on his right eyelid. I look closer and a tiny male is guarding it. Utterly revolting! Rushing inside, I call the vet. He tells me to take a Q Tip dipped in vinegar and apply it to the bug.

Coming up to Lupin, I grab his head. Growling, he squirms away. I cajole, but he just tilts his head so I go back and bring some bread. Seeing and smelling the bread, his ears perk up. Aaah! He’s much more cooperative now and lets me apply the vinegar.

The male scampers away, but it has no effect on the blood filled female. Then, I remember, it can’t move; it’s anchored by its feeding tube. I gingerly try to pick it off with my thumb and forefinger. Yikes! It’s squishy and Lupin doesn’t like his eyelid being pulled. He snaps at me and I back off.

A shiver runs through me. I’ve got to get it off before it lays eggs, but I can’t touch it again. I decide to get some tweezers and more bread.

Lupin is drooling from the smell of bread, so it takes a few minutes to calm him down sufficiently to attempt the extraction. Taking a deep breath, I manage to grab the bug with the tweezers. Lupin jerks back from the pain and the bug bursts. When I look at Lupin’s eyelid, I see the head of the bug still attached. Shockingly gross!

The tip of the tweezers is covered with blood. I throw it away. Rushing inside, I take off my clothes, put them in the washer, take a shower, and call in sick.

May 21, 2005
I’ve had the vet put Lupin to sleep. He was in constant pain, scratching and biting himself until he was bald and bleeding. I’m ashamed to admit I’m relieved that I won’t have to touch him again; applying the medicine was always an ordeal.

Needless to say, hygiene is on the top of people’s concerns and fumigators are the most popular products.

May 25, 2005
On the train to work, I see a pair of Dino Mites behind the ear of a passenger. I almost say something but I wisely refrain. Causing a panic on a jam packed train travelling at a hundred kilometers an hour isn’t smart. I quietly get off at the next station, and call my boss to say I'm quitting.

May 26, 2005
I’ve decided to leave the country and settle somewhere far away-maybe on some small island in the South Pacific.